THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT

Lately, I’ve been talking to people about connections and how it is to click with someone. The last time I felt any sort of connection was short-lived, but it was this year. Before that, maybe four years ago. Before that? Another four years, I think. I don’t know if it matters. I don’t think it does.

I don’t really connect with people, but I also don’t give things much of a chance. Over time, I think I made avoiding connections an unconscious habit. The obvious reason being it’s just easier, but also because I felt like protecting people from.. me? Historically speaking, I can be a fiery ball of cringe.

I think about the stupid shit I’ve said and done and I want to tear my brain out so I can never think again. At the same time, those things I said and did were from a good place. I was definitely stupid and weird whenever I felt too much about someone -- that’s just the truth. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies or read to many books and have grandiose ideas of interpersonal relationships. There’s a fine line between a romantic gesture and doing something an insane person would do that I haven’t found. That, or the line isn’t so fine and you’re supposed to sway between the two while you tread it. I’m getting off track.

Despite calling my past actions a fiery ball of cringe, I don’t think I’d do anything different. I definitely could have had some more tact, I guess. The problem I face is if I am connecting with someone, I like to be honest and open. I feel like this should be a normal thing, but it isn’t. People don’t want that level of honesty; or maybe they do, but not at my pace. I see an opening and I hit the gas, which is fine until I speed through one too many red lights and am alone again. I wonder if that makes sense or if it’s just 3 am.

The only reason I’m talking about any of this is because now, years later, I’m still having dreams about someone. I don’t think about them at all anymore, but that experience does bother me a lot. They didn’t do anything wrong. I was wrong. I was really wrong and that’s my problem. I don’t know if I’ve changed and am afraid to find out. I mean, if I haven’t changed by now, I don’t know if I can. Do I need to? I don’t know. I don’t want to be a fucking weird psycho all my life, that’s for sure. I wonder if it’s too late. Like god damn, I just really fucking blew it in the past. I’m the biggest dumbass in the world. Fuck.