Breathe

It is just so deep — already drowned by it.

It’s probably a matter of time. A matter of unexpected circumstances that may either make or break you. I have been longing for serenity — the infinite one. A presence that will reassure me that everything is changing. Five or ten years, it will never matter.

I think people in general will never understand the idea of depth of pain and known fear. I recently lost my grandpa from my father’s side — the last grandparent among four. But even before hearing this, I have been feeling alone and lonely which is the last thing I would want to actually feel. I mean I don’t mind being alone because I am pretty much used to my daily routine, but this time it just hits different.

You wake every morning wanting to let go all the past traumatic experiences you had. It should be easy for some people, but I hope it’s the same thing for me. It’s ironic how I would take a bottle of wine every night trying to convince myself that it’s going to be okay, but at the same time, every phase I go through seems to be in denial of acceptance. I am a lot — a lot to handle, a lot to feel, a lot of overthinking, a lot of emotions. I’m pretty much sure it’s unhealthy but I guess the only way to at least feel better is to be on your own side.

Things have been in a fast paced lately. Most of my closest friends are getting married sooner or later and yet here I am letting my dog Bella find her partner too, Oreo, to have puppies with. Now I’m patiently waiting till she gives birth. I started to feel the idea of taking care of more dogs is more tolerating than humans. Dogs are so genuine they would never want to hurt you. They feel more than you do. And it’s reassuring.

It’s only first week of January and the only thin g I want to do is survive. I need to because I believe my parents — especially my dad still needs me. I wish whenever I would tell them I want to disappear — it’s the fact that I only want to escape never ending cycle of struggles in life. I didn’t even want it. I guess it just wants me more.

You place yourself in a room full of people coming from different background – and yet you surprisingly feel safe. This is how it feels to be like with a team that aims one goal – to learn. I have yet to know more about the stories of the people I have been working with over the past few years but it seems easy. It is light – in a sense that somehow we all share passion being in service for people.

I have been in awe of doing production and events in general since I was in college. Endless call time, revision of scripts, patience and grace under heavy work—some of the most important things that I really value until now. It had drawn so much fulfillment to me in my career growth. I think when you get to meet different types of people in each and every event, you realize you learn through their stories and experiences. It’s as if you’re watching a movie, having that cathartic feeling of being in a realm of another world. Or maybe like putting a character in a play – a role that pleases and entertains people and at the end of the day – you go back to your old self.

Nine hours away from Manila – Isabela Province is where I was born and raised. It has a very slow paced of living, it is much simpler and less chaotic. Locals almost know each other, which is pretty interesting and annoying to be in. Nonetheless, I would say I am blessed enough to meet exciting people of their own stories. Maybe this is why team Blueprint happened. It may be technical for both engineering and architectural perspective, Blueprint has made an impact in my life. Not just mine, but for the team that we have created, which consists of talented, goal-oriented, and skillful young adults. Blueprint was planned to be a plan and to make plans.

Events could be the most unforgettable moment people could cherish. I believe we were made to be part of others’ experiences. Team Blueprint has organized more than a hundred of events – weddings, birthdays, gender reveal, corporates, and volunteering activities… you name it. And it was definitely not easy. We show up early in the morning, we work with a lot of people, we cater their needs, and most importantly, we thrive for these events to be successful. Of course we have our own shares of ups and downs, which I believe it’s pretty normal when you try to conform in an environment you’re not used to. But at the end of the day, I think the inner core of our hearts should always matter. It feels nice to be around people who only not think of themselves but also for their families. And that’s what I admire about Team Blueprint. It’s the relationship and trust we all have entrusted towards each other. It’s the commitment that gives the full service of fun and happiness.

Our team, Blueprint, will always try our very best to work on whatever it is we can do for ourselves and for other people. We will continue to plan and organize to the best of our abilities. We will embrace and adapt the changes, and most importantly, to love.

Tuesday, 9:30pm

Echoes from the past, unwanted thoughts, uncontrollable emotions, it just wouldn’t stop.

2017 was the last therapy session I had – because I thought I needed already. There were lots of changes since then, somehow I was able to cope with different environment around my town. I was complacent enough to know that I was making it to the peak of utopian feeling – that everything is just okay.

Maybe it’s not enough to think that I’m okay. Maybe in the same process of listening to another psychiatrist, I hope I can take away some words that could help me survive. I am always adept at juggling personalities towards people I meet or work with, can easily go along with the vibe especially when outdoor activities, but surprisingly, over the past months of isolating myself, I find the comfort of being alone. This has been hard for me -- to the extent of having conscious dilemma between trying so hard and just letting it all go.

When I’m at my best version of myself, there’s this complete notion that I can surpass things beyond my expectations. I think it’s what I’m used to. I lead, perform, and affiliate myself in different kinds of events in which I think I can contribute. You name it. But for some reason – I’m losing it again. And this has been my fear. This is the worst case scenario to be in. I’ve worked so hard with my past struggles to get into where I am right now. But why does it need to happen again?

29th of January, 2023, Sunday afternoon, I forced myself to get out of my room. Familiar faces from the church, typical lunch routine, chitchats and coffee talks – everything was completely fine. I even went out with my parents and their friends, and visited this very calming farm. The house was literally in the middle of rice fields, had to walk at least 10 minutes from the highway in which you can hear the sound of streamed river. The weather was cold and so it was also nice to stay a little bit longer for dinner. And then I met this young boy, 10 years old I think, surprised me with our conversation. He shared his interests with buildings and architecture, how he prefers to have more girl friends over boys. But what hit me was when he said he enjoys being more alone but not lonely. He just knew he’s way smarter than his classmates, but he wishes to be more accepted and could fit in.

Maybe we were once like him, enjoying things on our own and yet there will always be people out there who will never be in line with you. And that is okay. The reality of this world is not how it seems to be but hope is all we try to acquire and manifest. And this is also why I am choosing myself. Not that it may sound or look selfish, but I just have to. I’m choosing myself because at the end of the day, she’s that person I can genuinely express myself with.

Tomorrow at 5pm, I will be meeting my new therapist. This entire feeling of being unknown on what could happen, or to even acknowledge the root of pain fears me. All I ever wanted is peace of mind --- clarity. I just want it to go away. I genuinely want to let go at my own pace. I don’t want anyone to rush or dictate my process in healing. This is where I will have to start all over again.

I just hope and pray my parents won’t get tired of me. It’s not even what I want in my head and body.  I couldn’t even control it. It overwhelms me.