a matter of time.
It is just so deep — already drowned by it.
It’s probably a matter of time. A matter of unexpected circumstances that may either make or break you. I have been longing for serenity — the infinite one. A presence that will reassure me that everything is changing. Five or ten years, it will never matter.
I think people in general will never understand the idea of depth of pain and known fear. I recently lost my grandpa from my father’s side — the last grandparent among four. But even before hearing this, I have been feeling alone and lonely which is the last thing I would want to actually feel. I mean I don’t mind being alone because I am pretty much used to my daily routine, but this time it just hits different.
You wake every morning wanting to let go all the past traumatic experiences you had. It should be easy for some people, but I hope it’s the same thing for me. It’s ironic how I would take a bottle of wine every night trying to convince myself that it’s going to be okay, but at the same time, every phase I go through seems to be in denial of acceptance. I am a lot — a lot to handle, a lot to feel, a lot of overthinking, a lot of emotions. I’m pretty much sure it’s unhealthy but I guess the only way to at least feel better is to be on your own side.
Things have been in a fast paced lately. Most of my closest friends are getting married sooner or later and yet here I am letting my dog Bella find her partner too, Oreo, to have puppies with. Now I’m patiently waiting till she gives birth. I started to feel the idea of taking care of more dogs is more tolerating than humans. Dogs are so genuine they would never want to hurt you. They feel more than you do. And it’s reassuring.
It’s only first week of January and the only thin g I want to do is survive. I need to because I believe my parents — especially my dad still needs me. I wish whenever I would tell them I want to disappear — it’s the fact that I only want to escape never ending cycle of struggles in life. I didn’t even want it. I guess it just wants me more.
I hope I still find the strength from the people who still believe in what I can offer them — pure love and affection. I hope I won’t get tired of hoping.





















