Felt a spike of hopelessness recently at the thought of my future, and had a split second suicidal thought. Then realised its been a long long time since ive seriously been suicidal.. its not so bad

Im crashing again. Its always the same. I blame my circumstances but i know very well its my own fault. Yes online class sucks yes its hard to work without structure and routine but thats not an excuse for the mess ive been lately. Sleeping entire afternoons, missing appointments, getting times wrong, procrastinating assignments, just never going outside at all... Shit sucks

I use every defense mechanism available to cover up the fact that im selfish and self centered and unempethatic and non considerate and probably just generally unlikeable

Despite all the negative shit i havent rlly been depressed or suicidal recently

Also been focussing a lot on my disconnect from everyone and everything. Feeling particularly alien and wrong

Been having some really negative hopeless thoughts about myself and the culmination of my upbringing and my personality

Oh yeah update im doing well lol

Found out you can get on the roof of our building.. Part of me wants to find out exactly how

Its baaack

The fact that i havent used this blog in ages is reassuring

Oof im feeling anxiety well up in me! Great good! You know when everything falls apart and youre not sure what you couldve done better to prevent this but tere mustve been something so youre just sitting around with the guilt of failure on your shoukders? Anyway i have to contact multiple people in a very short amount of time to finish sonthimg ive ebeen putting off for a yeat and tmight no t even work out and all my efforrs this year wouldve been for nothing and its all so overwhelming and im paralized with anxiety but i dont have time for it and i want to do something to feel better but idk what and i also know everyrhing im doing thats not what im supposed to be doing is just procrastination so ill feel bad for anything im doing and i hate feeling like this