Hella Hookah

"My drink is strong, my hookah sweet"

If you're going to go out with friends for some good ole hookah, make sure you pick a spot that's has everything you want in an awesome hookah lounge. These are just a few of the things I look for:

Quality:

You don't know how many times I've been to a hookah bar where the hookah tasted like burn't ass. The quality and cleanliness of the hookah can make a huge difference on how smooth the hookah is. Not only does the hookah have to be good, but the way the bowl was packed can affect the taste as well. The tobacco has to be packed well and the coals have to be completely lit for a top notch smoking session.

Wait Time:

If you have to wait more than 15 min to get a table at a hookah lounge, somethings wrong. Many hookah bars are understaffed, which means more waiting for you. After your seated, a good lounge will give you your hookah within 15 min of ordering. The overall service has to be good too. The time it takes for the coals to be changed is probably the most important thing for me. If I'm waiting for new coals for a while when theres a hookah to be smoked right in front of me, I'm pissed.

Vibe:

I like my hookah lounges to have a chill environment with relaxing music, comfy seating, dim lighting, and maybe even some belly dancers. You want to find a place that's easy on the eyes. If you walk into a hookah bar and you're greeted by a fat shady looking guy that says " what you want? hookah?", my advice would be to turn around and take your business elsewhere.  

Variety:

When people are doing hookah in their privacy in their homes, chances are there will be a drunk guy or chick running around that is one step from knocking over the hookah. Here are some steps to keep the place from burning on fire:

1. Avoid smoking indoors if its an option. The more room around the hookah, the less chance of a disaster occurring. Even if the hookah gets knocked over, since you're outside its an easy clean up. 

2. Buy a cheap floor mat to place under the hookah. A rubber based mat will be less likely to catch on fire and will prevent any burns in the floor or carpet.

3. Proper Hose placement.  Make sure there is ample distance between the path of the hose and obstacles such as drinks, bottles, food, etc.  Also make sure that the hose is located in a place that people will not be crossing through.  Minimizing the potential for hose tangling will lessen the chances of a disastrous hookah fire.

4. Have an extra set of tongs. If some douchebag does knock over the hookah, you still have time to salvage the hookah coals and your carpet.

Me : "The neighbors at the end have a bong in their window."

Mom : "A bong?"

Me : "Yeah."

Mom : "Like... a water pipe?"

Me : "Yeah."

Mom : "No, that doesn't sound right, its probably one of those things, the uh... hooplah."

Me : "..."

Mom : "You can buy those legally and smoke tobacco."

Me : "No I'm pretty sure it's a bong."

We've all experienced this before.  After a night out with your friends and smoking hookah, you get this massive headache that feels like a hangover you'd have after a night out in Vegas.  You're thinking to yourself, "What the hell, I didn't even drink that much alcohol tonight!"  Well, your headache isn't caused by alcohol, but by too much hookah.

In the same way we can get a headache from drinking too much, we can get a "Hookah Hangover" as I like to call it.

Symptoms are of  course, a bad headache, nausea, and dizziness.

These symptoms are caused by an overload of nicotine in your body.  Your brain's nicotine receptors just can't handle the overload, and go crazy.  What you feel is a horrible headache.

You know what really grinds my gears?  Hookah Hogs.  You know who I'm talking about... that guy that just won't pass the hookah hose for what seems like DAYS.  There really needs to be some ground rules for how long one can hold the hose for.  Like the popular Pitbull song says, "Puff puff pass with your pussy ass."  True words of wisdom ... even Pitbull is fed up with hookah hogs.

The worst type of hookah hog is the guy that isn't even smoking the damn hookah, and rambling on, telling some stupid story no one cares about.  No one cares about your life story man, pass the damn hookah and shut up.

Another classification of a hookah hog that I hate is the guy that spends about 20 minutes trying to blow O's and fails.  "Wait up wait up one more hit, I wanna blow O's!"  No one wants to see you fail at blowing O's for 20 minutes straight, pass the damn hookah and shut up.

If anyone has seen this scene in the movie "Half Baked", then they know what other type of hookah hog exists.  The guy that joins in on the hookah session late, doesn't throw down on the hookah, and cashes the entire bowl by himself without even passing the hose once.  This type of hookah hog makes me want to throw burning hookah coals in the guy's face.