Death??
"Oh, crap! I'm late. Oh, well...I probably have one of the only jobs where people prefer that I'm late. Actually, to be completely honest, most wish that i would never show up at all. Not everybody. But most." I open the door. "Hello. Let me check my chart...Ah, here it is. Mr. Campbell. Hey! You wouldn't, by chance, be related to the Bruce Campbell, would you? Ya, know...famed 'B' actor. Guy with the chin? 'This is my Boom Stick'." Campbell stared at him blankly. Frank pitched his voice, "Give me some sugar, Baby." Nothing. "Um, no. Why?" Incredulously, he exclaimed, "I love that guy! His movies are awesome! So funny! Hahaha...so funny! Check him out, totally worth it. Seriously." "Who are you?", Mr. Campbell asks. "I'm sorry. How rude of me! My name is Frank, but most people know me by my other name- Grim Reaper. Ya know, the hooded one, the angel of death. But I like Frank better. It's a less "shit-your-pants" kinda name. "So I'm dead?" "Well, yes and no. You're currently in a coma, but it's your time." Stunned, Mr. Campbell stutters, "If I'm in a coma, then how am I talking to you?" "Cuz I'm dead, dude. You're thinking of the laws of the living. I go beyound that. Take a look around, man! All your family is here but no one can see us. And for the love of god... You're standing up! You've been, like, paralized, a vegetable, for 5 years! That should be a big give away right there." Frank felt kinda sorry for him, but he deals with this crap all the time and had a job to do, so he continued. "So, as you may know by my rep, I'm here to escort you to your final judgment. But since it's Friday and because I kinda feel like slacking off a bit, if you want, you can tag along with me today. Hangout." He looks around at Campbell's family- women sobbing, men shuffling from one foot to another, obviously uncomfortable and no doubt wishing they were anywhere but here. "This job can be boring. It would be kinda nice to have some company. So, what do you say, man? You game?" Death's enthusiasm was apparent. "That is, unless your'e that excited to see where you'll be spending eternity." Hahaha! "I mean, I dont know how you lived your life so I'm not really sure if you'll be heading north or south, but it's your call." Campbell stared at him vacantly. "Please hangout with me!" Frank blurted out. "I'll put a good word in for you." Campbell snapped to. "You can do that?" he asked. "Well, shit yeah, I can!" Then, half-under his breath, Frank murmurred, "If they listen to me, that is. But hey! It can't hurt, right? Ok then, Mr. Campbell. Wait, that's so formal. If you don't mind, what's your first name?" "Rob." "Rob. No shit? You took me as a Mark." "So, Mr. Death." "Hey! That's my father. Like I said, call me Frank." "Ok, then, Frank. Why "Frank" and why do you look like a normal man instead of a skull in a hood? I thought you'd be, like, different." "Death or any of my other names are just...scary. The 'Reaper-look' is just so, ya know, eighteen hundreds. I mean, shit, your dead and this tall hooded skull holding a huge scythe just appears, standing over you...That's some scary-ass shit! You humans are already dealing with the whole 'being dead' thing, and then that thing walks through the door! Fuck me side ways! That's some cruel shit. Don't get me wrong, though. There are still some of us who like that look but not all of us are into that shit." "What do you mean by 'all of us'?", Rob asks. "Well, you see, Rob, there are, like, 150,000 deaths a day so that would be impossibale for one dude to reap them all. Plus, I like my weekends off. Shit, who the hell wants to work that much? So, anyway, there are a lot of us. And since everything has to be so P.C. these days, there's a Reaper for every religion. Like I said, most of us try to make this as easy as possible for you, but not all of us. Like Gary, for instance. That dude is a dick! Scares the shit out of every single soul he reaps. So fucked up! But he's been doing this for a super long time." Frank chuckles to himself, as if a funny image just popped into his head. He sobers, shakes the thought away and looks back at his charge. "So Rob, what do you say? Wanna hang for a little while or shall I take you straight to your judgment? Da-da-da DUM!" Rob thought a second, then replies, "Sure, I guess. Just as long as it doesn't effect my judgment." "Nah, man. No worries. It really all depends on how you lived your life. Once your dead, it's all good. Ok? Sweet. Then, follow me. We have an agenda to follow. So, first, we have to go to a union meeting. I know, I know. Boring shit, right? You wouldn't believe some of the stuff they make us do. Like, before we got the Union, we had to work all animal deaths. You wouldn't believe how many more deaths that adds to our schedule! Man, those days were crazy! Dog really is man's best friend. Those stubburn S.O.B.'s would never want to come with us. They'd just want to hang around waiting for their masters. It was so bad we had to start carrying dog treats with us! And leashes! Shit was unreal. But ever since we got the Union, they sanctioned a whole other Grim department to take care of pet deaths. Helps out alot. "Oh, and also to answer your previous question, we Reapers can look anyway we want." To emphasize his point, Frank suddenly appeared as a large-breasted, scantily clad blonde woman, then quickly shifted back to his old self. "Remember me talking about Gary? Yeah, don't let him scare you. He can't hurt you in any way so if he starts anything, just ignore him. "Alright, we're here. Let's find a seat. Don't worry, man, these meetings don't usually last long...unless one of those dick holes starts asking stupid questions. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about." They both take a seat near the back. "Wwwwhat the hell is that?", Rob asks, shuddering. "Oh, now see, that's what i was talking about- that's Gary. Man, he is such a dick! Why he want's to scare the souls he takes is such a dick move. HEY GARY!!!" Frank waves, trying to get Gary's attention. "Yeah, Frank." Gary waves the finger at him. "Eat a bag of dicks." "Screw you, Frank." Gary shakes his head in total annoyance. "Haha! I love fucking with him. You see, Rob? You're lucky you got me. You could've had him or one of these other boring pricks. Ugh, they're so lame. It's like 'Hi...I'm Death, here to take you to your judgment...follow me, please'. BOOOORRINNG! So lame! Told ya, you're a lucky guy...well, except for the whole 'dying' thing." Frank shifts awkwardly in his seat. "Right, then...it's starting. Pay attention. You might find some answers to a few questions you had in life." The Grim on the mic clears his throat. "Uh-Hem! Excuse me, sorry about that. Alright. I'd like to thank you all for showing up and sharing you support for Team 013. I guess I'll get right down business- I know you guys have alot to do. Okay, first on the dockit. If everyone could do their best at getting the spirits to come with you, that would be great. I know they have free will, but try to remember that they don't know they have free will. Basically, don't give up so easily if they give you problems. It's too much paperwork, anyway. And now we're being threatened with quotas! I know none of us want that. So, please, folks, let's all work together on this." The Team Leader shuffles a few papers, then runs his long, boney finger down the page. "What's he talking about, Frank?", Rob asks in befuddlement. "Well, you see, even though your dead, you still have free will. Technicall, you don't have to go with us. We have always made it seem like you have no choice, but that's really just to make it easier on us." Frank muffles a laugh. "And to make the boss men happy. But, some souls put up a fight, and that's where your 'ghost' comes in." Rob's face glazes over. Frank continued, "Alright...so, for some people, it's really hard for them to leave their loved ones. Or maybe they have some sort of unfinished business so they refuse to come with us. Instead, they end of wandering the world as a detached entity, or rather, a ghost. Eventually, most end up calling on us after they feel that their loved ones are fine, or that unfinished business they were so concerned about finally gets taken care of. For instance, there are the ones that have been killed at the hands of their fellow man. Once their murderer is caught or killed, they usually seem to be able to rest in peace and take their judgment. Unfortunately, though, there are some that don't. They stay on Earth, eventually becoming evil. They start getting jeolous of the living and become violent. They'll try to possess people." Frank shakes his head, a little in disgust but mostly with sadness. "You see, there are demons and angels, but known of them are allowed on Earth. Only us-the Grims- and the Almighty Big Cheese himself. That's it. So really, that demon-possession stuff is really just a pissed off spirt that's refused to be judged and is trying to find a way back to the living. It's fucked up, right?! Man, your kind will do anything to stay on Earth. Oh, shit!" Frank exclaimes. "We've missed, like, half of the meeting! We better start paying attention." The speaker raises his voice a little. "And for the love of that man right over there..." Frank glances over in the direction of the speaker's gesture. "Is that God? Holy shit! It is!! He never comes to these things Check this- I'll see if we can talk to him after the meeting...ya know, throw a good word in for ya." The Grim throws Campbell a wink. Speaker- "Ok, ok...calm down, folks." God clicks his cheeks and points his finger to th crowled. The crowd starts hooting again. God bows his head slightly, a sly smile on his lips and says, "What can I say? I'm the shit." The speaker sighs, waits for the cheers to subside. "Ok, then, back to business, Boys. As I was saying, I know all of you are overloaded as it is, but please, do your best to get the spirits before they die or at the least, right at the time of death." "Why is that so important?" Rob asks. "If we are too late the spirit doesn't really know they're dead, which brings us back to the ghost thing. Have you heard of the different kinds of hauntings?" "Yeah, I have. I was kinda into that sort of stuff." "Oh, cool. Then you know what a residual haunting is, right?" "Yeah." Rob was actually starting to perk up, finally. "It's where the ghost does the same thing at the same time, over and over. Like, every day." "Yep, you got it, buddy. So these poor bastards...if we don't get to 'em in time, they get stuck and end up repeating the last moment that they remember. Like, what they were thinking right before they died or whatever and get stuck there. And they don't become mean because they don't know they're dead. They're the hardest ones to get to cross over. So hard, even, that once they get stuck in that loop, we have a special Grim that gets appointed the case. "And that concludes our meeting for Union 013. Thank you, Gentlemen, for coming." Frank nudges Rob, "Let's go talk to the Big Guy." Rob follows the Grim over to where God was sitting behind the podium. "Hey, you old son-of-a-gun! Or should i say 'Gaylord Olda Dern'? Hahaha!" "You can stop right there, Frank." God says, holding up his hand in mock-protest. "Haha! I love messing with this guy! Ok, Rob, like, we call him God 'cuz those are his initials and he hates his real name. That's why people also call him 'Lord'. It's just the abbreviation of Gaylord." Rob is still just staring at God, mouth slightly gaped. "So, where's that bastard son of your's ?" Frank says, giving God a slight jab in the arm. "Let me guess...back on Earth just hanging around." Hahaha! God roles his eyes and gives a slight huff. "Man, don't get me started with that kid! I have no clue where he is most of the time! You know how he likes doing that disappearing act of his. Get's all kinds of attention when he's a kid and then poof! Becomes antisocial for thirty years, resurfaces and is all like- "Look at me! Look what I can do!"- That boy, I swear!" God's clearly exasperated. Frank turns to Rob. "So, I'm sure you know about Mary and the virgin birth, right? Well, that wasn't really what God, here, intended it to be." Frank lowers his head and starts chuckling. He continues, "Oh man, this shit is funny! Ok, ok...so God goes down to Earth and starts spitting game to Mary, right? He's all like, 'I'm the Almighty being, the creator of the stars and the universe...' Hehehe." Frank puts his hand to his mouth and whispers, "If you couldn't tell by the Bible, He kinda has an ego and shit." Rob just looks at him. Frank nods over at God, "So anyway, He and Mary start talking all dirty. She's all naked, rolling in the hay, talking some nasty perv shit back to God, and he's all like, 'damn, girl' because she's a virgin. So, He's gettin' all hot and bothered. Starts priming his piece from across the room just from the way she's been talking to Him. Then, all of the sudden there's a big BANG! And it goes off prematurely. A hole in one from across the room, like some Arnold Palmer shit! Frank's doubled-over in laughter at this point. Through snorts, he says, "God gets so damn embarrased that he's like, 'Oh, hey, yeah, sorry about that. So.....I gotta go. Peter just sent me a message...Morning Star is starting some shit, so I gotta split.' Um, so I'll, like, set a bush on fire or something to get ahold of you.' And poof! He disappeared! Whatdaya know...nine months later and here's Jesus! Oh, man! That was so great! I love telling that story. God just shakes his head at Frank, who asks, "So, what's that son of your's going by these days? If I can remember correctly, it's been Krisha, Mithra, Jeshua...that boy could never make up his mind. Haha." Frank shakes God's hand, says, "Alright, Gaylord. We gotta get back to work...Unlike some of us." He grins and gives a little ahem. "I'll talk at you later, my Dude. Oh and do me a solid, would ya? Take it easy on Rob, here, when I bring him up. He's a pretty cool dude." He gives Rob a nudge. God smiles at Rob. "Yeah, I'd say...if he's had to hang around you all day, listening to all your shit, Frank!" Hahaha. "Good one, God...go eat a bag of dicks. Ok Rob, let's hit the bricks, Bud. "So dude, I'm going to go in here and do my thing. You wait out here. Hopefully, it won't take long." Thirty minutes later, Grim walks out. "Sorry man. Took a little longer than I thought. But anyway, Rob, this is Doris. She's going to tag along with us, too. I only have a few more stops to go. "Oh, shit. This next dude is a bad fucker. Um, if you here screaming and shit, pay it know mind." Grim opens the door and walks in. All of a sudden, Rob and Doris hear screaming and begging, then, a really loud roar-like growl. More screaming. Finally, silence. Grim opens the door again. "He was a bad dude. He had to pay. I took him straight to judgement, but not before I had my fun. Fucking child molestor-piece of shit. "Ok, I'm going to pick up a few more souls. Man, Peter hates when I bring a group to him." He chuckled. "When this is all you do every day for hundreds of years, you gotta have fun with your co workers, right? I know it's kinda dick, what I'm about to do, but hey! It's funny to me!", he busts out laughing. Regaining composer, "Ok. Let me do a head count here. Fifteen. Ok, cool. Didn't lose anyone." Pointing a finger upwards, he says, "It's time to head up to them Pearly Gates for all of you to receive your judgements, and, of course, for you guys to meet the biggest Peter of them all!" Frank snickers and lets out a snort. "If you could just head through that door over there and take a seat, please. Thanks." "Hey." Grim says as Rob slowly walks past him towards the door. "I had a blast with you today. I really hope you get some good news. Come on...I'll walk in with you." "God damn it, Frank!", exclaims Peter. "What have I told you about collecting so many? One at a time, you dick. It's Friday and almost time for me to get off. I have a date for the movies with Shiva. Oh, man...all those arms! Can you imagine?" "Chill, man. You know I have to fuck with ya, Petey-boy." "I hate you, Frank." "Oh, but I love you!" Grim puts a hand on Rob's shoulder. "Well, Rob, take it easy, my dude." He turns to Peter and says, "Take it easy on my boy here, Peter." "Shit, if he's had to deal with you all day, then that should be a gold pass straight through!" Peter chuckles. "Whatever, Dick nose." Then the Grim shakes his head and says, "Damn! That's twice today I've been told that." He lets out a laugh and turns to Rob. "Hopefully for your sake they mean it. "Ok, my dude." He shakes Rob's hand. "I better see some wings on you and not horns." All of a sudden there's a loud voice behind the door. Frank turns his head. "Oh, shit!" He walks out the door. As it shuts behind him, Rob hears Frank exclaim, "What's up, Dick nose?!"
