#1 character dynamics lover

december 10th, 2026. i only remember because my best friend pleaded with me to not do anything stupid. sorry, nics lol

you were screaming. dad was telling me to do something. and i'd mulled over this thought for weeks. maybe months. maybe even years. i don't know. all i know is that i just wanted you to listen. it's probably a bad thing that i thought you'd only listen if i asked you to kill me with a knife pointed towards myself

that big knife in our kitchen always caught my eye. never did anything with it until that day. one of you hid it in one of the drawers. i don't know if it was because you didn't want me to use it or if you couldn't bear looking at it.

my eyes are still drawn to it sometimes. i never pick it up. i just play with the idea in my head. then i get reminded of that day and my stomach folds into itself.

i won't forget what you said that day, though. how the first question out of your mouth was "why didn't you kill yourself on your own?" followed by "why don't you just kill your father and i instead and then yourself?". i know what you were trying to say. i don't care. i don't want to know what made you think that was a good thing to say. i don't know what made me think that was a good thing to do.

every now and then i'll get reminded of that day. i'll feel nauseous and suddenly remember it, or i'll get that one specific stomachache that makes me reflect on all my sins for whatever reason. i'm not proud of what i did. i'm not proud of how you responded, either. i don't think i can ever let it go. aren't i your daughter? shouldn't you have asked what brought me to that edge? shouldn't you have tried to comfort me? aren't i your daughter? aren't i your daughter?

i don't even know why i'm writing this. at first i wanted people to see i'm not doing well but that's such an attention seeking thing to do. and maybe i Am seeking attention. is that wrong? yeah, probably. and yet the moment someone asks if i'm okay i want to hide away and never come out. it's odd. i'd do anything for even a modicum of comfort but i hate when people see me. see the ugly parts of me. i don't want people to be upset over me. i don't want them to ask what's wrong. maybe i think it should be obvious. or maybe i just want a hug and for someone to tell me i'll get out of this damn hole soon

i don't know what my future will be. i can't see it being pretty. i like to imagine a nice future, one where i'm happy, but i doubt it'll ever actually come true. i dream and dream and dream and i don't ever want to wake up. not here. not again. never again.

A redraw of this post I made a couple months after Bloodmoon had first died lol

A redraw of this post I made a couple months after Bloodmoon had first died lol