welcome to my blurry mind

so, I listened to the whole discography of NF today. Again. The lyrics are just wow! the words are put so brutally and beautifully together. How can someone I’ve never met describe so precisely how I feel? I’m glad I’m not alone in this, but what do you mean I am not special at how I feel? Sadly I can’t be unique “inside”. I already have the same set of body. Can my mind at least be an individual?

I'm not in a good place of my mind right now.

I don't want to share with anyone how I feel or actually I can't make myself do it. Why? Because I do not have any reason to feel this way. I can't even describe it to myself let alone trying to explain it to somebody else. First of all, my life is not that bad to feel depressed. I'm not sure if I can call it depression, but it feels like it. Secondly, the weather have been so nice lately but my mind decided to wreck it all and instead of being happy to see the sun I'm sitting home alone on the verge of tears without any particular reason. I may continue the list, but what's the point after all? I am trying to distract myself by doing some small things like drawing a little, but it helps only for 10 minutes or so and then it comes back. So, I am just going from corner to corner in the apartment and doing nothing. How to get rid of this? I was thinking about going out but once I thought about all the errands I would need to do outside I felt overwhelmed and just cut off the idea.

Being a fan of something is not a bad thing, however, sometimes the border of being an admirer and a crazy fan is so thin. I had my share of craziness during my teenage years. It was easier to say who wasn't a bit crazy about Tokio Hotel in 2007 than who was. And I'm not ashamed of it at all. It taught me a lot of things, brought good people in my life, and even helped me despite the fact I cried a lot of times because of stupid stuff at that time. I was a 120% super fan on the scale from 0 to 100.

Now I understand that most of what I did was lame and I don't call myself a fan of anything anymore. I may admire someone or what they do, but I do not become that 15 year old crazy fan. Just to clarify: not all 15 year olds or fans are crazy.

But I do believe that sometimes my obsession with music and music bands affects my life not in a good way. It may take bigger part of my everyday life and I forget that something else exists.

it's not because I'm such a part of any fandom. Actually I'm not in any fandom. I am simply a bit more passionate about some certain (usually) band/singer or (not so often) actor/actress. And fanfiction is a good way to read something unique with already known characters in unknown circumstances. You do not have to sell bestsellers in every possible bookshop to have a talent!!!

I've read a lot of different works with various possible genres, except may be with a warning "major character death". I just can't handle the thought that the main character is going to die in the end and nothing can change it. I have my own not-happy-ends, so I want the story I read to end well.

The last one I've read (to be honest I'm in the end of the last chapter saving the moment of finishing it because I really like it) is dedicated to one popular topic "soulmates". I read several works involving this theme and almost all of them were different. Exactly this one made me think about how actually great would be to live in a world where each person has a soulmate and you may find yours with some sign (tattoo, first touch, so on). This would be so much easier to breath knowing there's a person for you and ONLY for you, and you would meet them anyway. Super perfect, I know, but let me dream a bit. There's nothing better to expect from a person reading fanfiction:)

I just wanted to share my thoughts on this topic. Thank you, Tumblr, for listening. And also a HUGE thanks to the authors!

I don't know if this is a normal thing, but I hope I am not alone in this.

"Who am I?" - this is a real question I ask myself and other people ask it from time to time, because my face doesn't reflect my nationality from the first glance. Even from the second, I'm telling you. People always come up with different nationalities when they try to guess. However, it doesn't look like my ancestors had such a diversity in a family tree to make people believe they have several options to choose when they look at me. I did make a research. Actually it was my brother, but that's not the point. The point is that I cannot define myself as a patriot of my home country or even person who has one certain nationality. And I do not know how to feel about it. That's why I am adding national identity crisis to my professional identity crisis and just try to deal with both in every possible way. So, it means it is just me sitting in confusion:

I hate my birthdays, 'cause it doesn't matter how hard I try,

I wait for this day like I wait for the blue sky in dark days to feel alive.

But the day's the same

Like three hundred sixty four other days

Except one thing

I suddenly feel something:

People remember that I am still here,

That I exist, and there's no more fear

Of spending this "special" day alone.

Do I actually have friends? Do I have a place to go?

But in the end the day is over

I have an hierarchy of my social network profiles according to the things I share on the scale of 1 to 4 (where 1 is not personal at all):

1. VK. I don't share anything at all, some articles (blog stuff) once in two-three months. I mostly use this for communication as WhatsApp, and change my profile picture just to show people how I look right now (I change my hairstyles a lot sometimes).

2. Instagram. Nothing super personal, just some thoughts, everyday life photos, big moments (concerts, meetings, beautiful places, so on).

3. Twitter. Here I post some thoughts, lyrics I like and something I do not share in 2 previous ones.

4. Tumblr. This is the place where (almost) no one knows me in real life. Here I may share really personal stuff I don't want others to read, but I need to let it out loud. This is the perfect place.

I do this to avoid odd questions from people I may meet in real life. I don't want to discuss my life with people I don't want to do it with. I think we all have some thoughts which are not shareable with the big audience.

I had a crush on my friend for a long time. I got the feeling when we met for the first time. Is it even possible? I guess I am still a bit attracted to that person, but that was never going to happen and now I don't even talk to or see that person. It is not my fault, btw, we just stopped communicating, although we were spending every day together before that.

I have something on my mind.

I have it all day long, all night, all week.

I can't take it out of my head, I am weak,

Because there are no words I can find

To express why I think about it and how I feel.

I believe it will kill me or I'll go insane

If I never let this find a way

I don't have any exact answer, but I may tell when I feel comfortable and peaceful:

✅when I'm at home;

✅when I have something to eat (it is stressful for me when I know that I need to spend a couple of hours of my day off cooking);

✅ when I have enough money (adult world is cruel sometimes);

✅ when I don't need to worry about my work;

✅ when my family and friends are fine;

✅ when my cat has food and is fine;

✅ when I sleep well;

✅ when I wake up feeling fresh, and don't rise from dead;

✅ when I have time to do what I like;

I definitely like my previous post. May be this is the reason why I haven't been on Tumblr so much time the last three months. However, I cannot say I am not satisfied with my life anymore, I just want to avoid the stress I get every day right now. In the moments like these I feel like it will always be here, the stress, the fear, the anxiety.

I want my life to be a routine a little, so I may find time to do the things I need to do and I like, because what I actually have to do stresses me out af. I even reached the point again when I don't want to do anything at all.

I want to bring my mood back, to feel this enormous power that I can do anything! But in reality I can't get out of bed in the day off even when the weather is amazing.

I know myself well enough to understand my weaknesses. That's great, right? The thing is I don't know how to overcome these disadvantages so to make myself better.

Such a messy post. I can't collect thoughts in one small monolouge, because that's how they are in my head. I even have a headache because of all this chaos in my mind.

Anyway the outcome of this story is that sometimes after a failure it is hard to think positive again. Especially when you need it asap. And no "you can do this" helps. So, at the same time I think that I need a distraction and rest, but also I need to focus more. What to do first when you have limited time?

This moment when everything seems fine in your life and you do not write in your Tumblr, because you have nothing to complain about.

I'm going to break this stereotype (reality) that my Tumblr is only about negativity and write here that I ENJOY MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! ✨

People, share your positive thoughts as well, especially in social media, because we all have things to cry about in our lives, we don't need to look at such things here too.

Every day I try to fight this constant feeling in my head that I cannot handle it, that I am not good enough, because if I am going to continue telling it to myself, I'll believe it so much, I won't be able to do anything at all.