ok.

the hard pill i swallowed when i ws 14, 16 , 19. i have to save myself. maybe that's why i've started to become so preachy, so passionate about healing. it's so simple, really. i don't want to suffer anymore, misery has comforted me most when no one has, but it's overstayed it's welcome, so i started to pull away from it.

i started simple, prioritizing my wants, my needs, my comforts. but after years of doing that, i've found myself burnt out.

no one is going to save me. i know that. and yet i feel 7, 9, 13 all over again. helplessly waiting for someone, anyone, to notice my pain, to reach out. i'm exhausted. i can't do this anymore. my loneliness feels immeasurable, and i found myself drowning in it once more.

now my passion has become the very thing that mocks me. it was supposed to be easy, so why am i repeating the same cycle?

i need help, but everyone's exhausted and tired, they need help too. i'm not special, the only one who can help me is me.

but i can't anymore.

please someone hear me, please someone see me.

please, anyone, free me from this pain.

love , or misery ?

sad to say , but your misery won't just leave the moment you find love , and when you find that someone who cares , will your love for them surpass the love of hating yourself ?

what is it that you truly want ?

"But Xil , that's the point , being happy came easier then .. "