ACactusInTheCity

Digging through the deep freeze and finding strawberry rhubarb spread we made two years ago. I catch myself exploring deep into my memory and clinging to them like this frozen jar of jam in my warm hand.

I eat the entire 4 and a half cups, spoon by spoon hoping it will give me back a piece of you.

At the kitchen table the silver ladle clinking against the bottom of the jar, as if more of it might be conjured from some unseen part. If pieces of us are left in things we make, I know this is where the stashed bits of your happiness are. I just eat and eat hoping it will bring you back to me.

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But now I’m just feeling sick with a sore stomach and aching heart. So desperate to find you in anything, even a freezer burnt jam filled mason jar.

I am not a sponge for you… anymore. I will not absorb your insecurities and metabolize them into my short comings. The mirror hanging in my washroom replaced with an audience of eyes. All my ambitions taken my hands and moulded like putty to fit a narrative. Starting my morning with a hot cup of self doubt, side of sugar. I now skip the trip to your messages.

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I am someone new, no thanks to you.

And, lest, the remnants of my dreams have been washed and prepared on a platter like another summer salad. I am remembering what they tasted like before they were chopped up.

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Stepping in others footsteps has only left me unable to find my own shoes. It’s about time I found my footing

Melted frost-

The smell of minty frost at the first snow, caught in your nose.

Large fluffy snow flakes like powdered sugar dancing in the air.

My soft hands wrapped in hand knit mittens the colour of toasted orange peels.

Flushed cheeks, his green eyes spritely cutting through in comparison to the vast cold sheet of white upon the world.

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An aspen tree caving under the weight of the marshmallow fluff. A bright red cardinal watching me with curiosity as I push my feet through the snow. The airy cotton bits flying into the air with my movement. Crunch, crunch, crunch to the backyard.

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