( beautiful pain. )

hey gang. so as we all know our beautiful admins have decided to close down malum. i am understandably upset, but i’m in NO WAY angry or resentful towards these people who have helped me through possibly the most difficult periods mentally and for that i am so, so grateful.                                       prepare urself for a whole lotta cheddar cheese :’)

as writers ( or at least for me ) we know that the characters we play or portray whether that be in books or in roleplay hold a little piece of us inside them --- either what we want to be, hope to be, used to be, could have been, or perhaps even fear to be. under the cut i sorted my babies into these categories because i just really want to express how much these characters mean to me<3 and without malum and the amazing work of laura, mar jane and joce, this wouldn’t have been possible. also if you scroll past my character ranting to the bottom, there’s a lil message aimed to all you beautiful people<3                           also i’m sorry i’m so extra i just have ?? a lotta ?? feelings ??

“Oi, mate, I would’ve gotten you some but you didn’t even propose to me this year so…” He laughed before growing serious in a heartbeat. “Don’t fuck with me Alex oh my god don’t play are you serious?”

     “sorry, mate, i lost the ring,” he responded dryly, hiding his grin behind a very good attempt at deadpan. alex snorted at his friend’s response, scrunching up his nose ( something he had always done whenever he laughed ). “no i’m not serious, merlin’s sake.” he grinned cheekily, playfully rocking on his heels. “although you are getting wrinkly and slow. i bet i could finally beat you in a race.”

“Not even for you?” Valentines’ was her favorite holiday, and she couldn’t help but want everyone to celebrate. Including the Healer-in-Training with shit taste in Quidditch teams. “Here… I got this for you.” Rooting around in her book back, she finally emerges with a bright pink Holyhead Harpies scarf. “Happy Valentines!” She said cheekily.

     alex rolled his eyes, though more playfully than exasperated as he took the scarf from her. “thank you. i’ve almost run out of wood for the fireplace in my room so this should do nicely.”

“Oh, that’s a relief. I’d hate to have to take these all the way to your offices.” She teased, relinquishing the gifts gladly; though she normally didn’t observe most holidays like this, she thought the other professors could use some cheering up this year. “I should say not,” she muttered, eyeing the student sternly. As her attention turned back to Alex, she nodded with a sigh, rubbing her forehead. “It’s that time of year, isn’t it? I should just brew my own, I suppose, but that takes effort that I don’t want to expend. I’m glad you have some left.”

     “just trying to be a gentleman, i don’t get to be that very often,” he teased in return, opening up the cabinet and searching through the rows of vials. “no, that’s understandable,” he continued, “especially since pepper up involves mandrake roots and i don’t know anyone who’s fond of those things -- albeit sprout, perhaps. although i did overhear her call them ‘nasty buggers’ the other day.” alex withdrew his hand revealing a small bottle of fiery liquid. holding the neck up between his thumb and index finger, alex lifted the potion up for her to take. “here you go. let me know if you get steam coming out of your ears.”

Eilidh nodded and handed him a card. “It’s actually complete shit, but…figured all staff and other aurors could use a little pick me up…if the students are having their kicks from it, why can’t us Adults?” Eilidh thought about it for a moment and nodded. “Yeah…let’s hope she’s in a good mood.”

     “awh, don’t say that,” he grinned playfully, taking the card from her hands, glancing briefly at the envelope before tucking it in his pocket. “i’ll take a look at it later. i don’t want poppy to think i’m slacking.” he clicked his fingers at her next comment. “exactly. it’s very thoughtful of you though, and i’m feeling a little guilty because i have nothing to give in return. rain check? next time you want to buy a butterbeer come and find me and i’ll buy it for you or something.”

        “though not what poppy thinks you’re here for,” doe wrinkles her nose and nods slightly, giggling with a quiet smile. “hey! i’m allowed, i know about all the stereotypes and which ones we fit and which ones don’t.” she held her hands up, half surrendering, using it as a sign of mock guilt. “you see, you can’t even deny it. well, yeah, ‘course we are, pretty much everything that goes well is considered a special occasion that needs us to drink and have a party about. hey, what can i say? we like being the loudest.” we’re making sure we’re heard, she thinks to herself, as she glances up at him and chortles, in the slightest, as he talks about parties in ravenclaw tower. she can almost tell, when he loses himself in his memories and forgets where he is, forgets that he isn’t a teenager, at least. she can feel the smile rising before she stops it. “oh, is that so? i’ll have to bag myself an invite next time there is one.” she didn’t know whether it was true, but, she could see that he believed it, with every fibre of his being. she glances up to poppy, who was glaring at alex because he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to. “most things are, if you eat or drink too much of it.”

     “yeah, well,” he began quietly, waving a dismissive hand ( though keeping a cautious eye out for his mentor is case her supersonic hearing somehow reached him ). “i think all the houses are great drinkers, with slytherin perhaps a bit more low-key about it. i’ve heard hufflepuff’s are sloppy, or at least that’s what my brothers told me.” alex grinned, his fingers tapping against the side of his leg within the pockets of his uniform. he was always a better listener than a talker, which he had been informed was a very RAVENCLAW trait. he was always trying to learn and gather new information whether that was something he did consciously or not. “that’s very true, although it’s very hard to do harm by drinking too much water.”

There was, of course, a variety of lies that Narcissa could choose from. Madame Pomfrey scares me. Reasonable, believable, unlikely to be believed however due to her lack of presence in the wing. She doesn’t like me, nobody does since my father’s arrest. Only partially true, definitely not believable based on Narcissa’s few interactions with the woman who was far more caring than anyone Narcissa knew. Finally she chose her angle. Pitiful, mostly truthful, Alex did know her well enough to tell if she was lying so she shrugged. “Well I… I was hoping to keep it somewhat hush, you see… my mother doesn’t want me to learn a specific discipline and if she knows… if she finds out I’ll get in trouble, like a lot of trouble. And she knows everyone so if I asked Madame Pomfrey I’m just so afraid that she’ll find out.” She set her teacup down and stepped towards the door. “It’s okay, I don’t want you to feel obliged. I suppose I just wanted to feel successful as something other than a wife, but it’s fine, I’ll leave if you’d like. Is the tea okay though?”

     the amusement began to fade into guilt as she started to explain herself. he knew the blacks, not well, but enough to know about their wealth and status. as well as that, he was aware of their, frankly, medieval social structure they were all forced to follow. it wasn’t a surprise to him when she mentioned her dilemma -- he suspected it probably wasn’t an unusual one for a female member of the pureblood hierarchy to have. “hey, wait,” alex stepped forward a little as she made her way towards the door, his arm held out as if he were prepared to take the girl’s hand and physically guide her back to safety -- whatever that was. “the tea’s great, but i’m also willing to help you, okay? just on one condition.”

“Can’t believe Valentine’s Day came and went and I only ate seven boxes of chocolate. Last year it was ten.”

      “still more than what i got. we’re getting old, that’s why. in fact,” alex began, grinning and squinting at the other’s hair. “if i do this i can see a few flecks of grey. . .”

“Even if the valentines are for silent, and simple and for you?” Eilidh asked with a smirk and a raised dark eyebrow. “Surely Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t mind too much.”

     “for me? really?” alex looked slightly taken aback. he hadn’t received a valentines gift since 1975. “i mean, i wouldn’t hold your breath. it depends what mood she’s in.”

“What if the gifts and positive emotions are for her, and you?” Gemma asked, holding up two parcels. “I can drop them off in your offices if she’d rather but since I’m here …” She shrugged with a grin. “I also wanted to see if you have any pepper-up potion? I’m developing a sniffle.”

     “oh . . . well, then that’s fine,” he replied with a meek attempt at a laugh, his voice a little quieter now as a light sense of guilt settled on his chest. “no, it’s alright i’ll take them.” alex took the two wrapped gifts from her and flashed a smile. “thanks, that’s very kind of you.” he took out his wand and non-verbally levitated the presents towards the office. “don’t even think about it, jordan, those aren’t for you!” he called out to a fourth year eyeing up the gifts as they floated past him. “pepper-up potion, huh? sure, come with me.” he gestured to her to follow his as he turned away from her and began striding towards the potions cabinet. “there’s definitely something going ‘round . . . you’re the sixth person this morning asking for some pepper-up. luckily for you we’ve got some left, we’re very low on stock at the moment.”

maybe she had wanted to hear that she was overreacting, that nothing was wrong and that this was just stress. wendy was confused by the things she felt as alex spoke; he was only confirming her feelings, after all, and while this should be a good thing, all wendy wished to do was run. get away from whatever this conversation was supposed to be, because she must’ve been joking when she told herself this would help. because why else would her stomach be in knots and her head feel like it was spinning as she was working towards a solution? “still. must’ve sucked,” she said. “oh, like that. yeah, i’m not that good at falling asleep; got a busy mind with loads of ideas and thoughts. sometimes it takes me a few hours, even.” and while wendy wished to run & get out of there, she was glad that out of all the adults she knew she was having this conversation with alexander.

at the idea of sleeping draughts, wendy bit her lip but nodded. “alright, yeah. and what d’you mean? like… exercises or somethin’?”

     “a few hours,” alex repeated with a small nod. sounds about right. how can one grant themselves with a restful sleep when there’s a vortex of constrasting thoughts swirling continuously in your head? no-ones thoughts are the same however. for alex, it was his parents untimely passing, the self-blame, the WHAT IF, the overwhelming need to make them proud, to get the best grades. more importantly, to get into healing and assure that he would never fail to care for a sick person again. alex didn’t need to know what kept her awake, only that it had the same hallowing effect, that suffocating feeling, the knotting in the stomach, the head spinning. 

“yeah, exercises.” alex smiled a little, not because it was FUNNY ( it really wasn’t ) but he couldn’t stop the memories of him and kingsley taking the forefront of his mind, sitting cross-legged in the common room in their pajamas, practising the same exercises he would now show her. “you take a long, slow inhale through your nose until your lungs are completely filled with air, then you hold your breath for three seconds, before exhaling through your mouth while relaxing all the muscles in your face. you can do this before you go to bed, like meditation.”

          poppy stared at alex, open mouthed, before langing a hard blow against his right arm. “i beg your PARDON? i don’t disagree with the sounds of positive emotions.”

    “so yeah, sorry folks i -- ouch!” alex yelled, stepping back and cradling the spot where she landed her small yet surprisingly strong fist. “what the heck, pomfrey! for one thing, it was a joke," sort of, "and second of all, i have an audience!” he exclaimed, gesturing dramatically to the students he had been talking to previous THE ATTACK. “you’re all witnesses to this abuse,” alex said loudly to the crowd of third and fourth years, who all looked moderately unsurprised at poppy’s response and had already began filtering out of the wing. “i’ll see you all in court!”

  “thanks for the support.” dorcas wrinkled her nose, shaking her head. “you do know i live in a dorm of gryffindors, where people being drunk is like, nearly a requirement?” she raised an eyebrow, a smile pressed across her lips as she teased. “i always try to pace myself. doesn’t mean i succeed. sometimes i just lose my patience.”

    “it’s what i’m here for,” alex began with a gentle nod and an admittedly smug smile. “and hey, stereotyping,” he called out playfully, pointing at her with an accusatory index finger. “okay, fair enough, i get your point. gryffindors are known for their alcoholic tendencies. but the only reason you guys have this reputation is because you’re loud about it.” an almost mischievous glint appeared in his eyes at his counterpoint. “trust me, you haven’t LIVED until you’ve been to a party in the ravenclaw tower.” it was true, or at least in alex’s point of view. he remembered setting up for a rave with kingsley, spending hours on mixing different alcoholic drinks together in an attempt to make the strongest cocktail possible. of course this meant that they were pretty pissed by the time the party actually started but C’EST LA VIE. before alex could say anything else however, the glare of pomfrey caught his eye from across the room and he immediately began to backtrack. “i mean,” he started, tearing his gaze away from poppy to look at dorcas. “don’t drink alcohol. it’s bad for your liver and kidneys.”

“Like you don’t deal with people faking illness all the time. Poppy thinks I don’t spend enough time in the infirmary. Accused me of purposefully missing appointments,” he feigned shock, despite her claims being accurate. “Or instead of wasting time on costumes we could think about what we’re actually going to say,” he suggested, hoping to deflect Alex’s attention from his lack of formal attire.

     “in all seriousness, remus, we do care about you and want to do the best for you,” alex began, letting a small smile grace his features so not to appear so stern ( that was poppy’s job ). “also it’s great seeing you in the wing. you’re great company, man.” he grinned, nudging the boy affectionately on the arm. “alright, alright . . . scrap the suits. i don’t have one anyway and i don’t this i have enough money to hire one either,” he sniffed, looking momentarily thoughtful before his expression transitioned back to its usual playful self. “at least you’ve got uniform, i don’t think mine would fit me anymore. but yes, sorry, let’s plan this out.” he took out his wand from the deepest pocket of his white-coat and non-verbally summoned the navy blue notebook on his desk as he began to lower himself onto the ground. “come ‘ere, sit on the floor with me.”