All Things Ink

In honor of my upcoming excision surgery I've been working on a little uterus doodle. There's a lot of emotions around what's coming, what will change after. Where I'm going and where I've been. All of it makes me want to cry. I've lost everything to this disease but I've gained a perspective I would hate to live without. Despite the pain, the grief, the anger and the fear, I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't lived through the writhing pain. The lesions, the webbing, the bone deep exhaustion, the PCOS, the endometrioma, and watching the world move on without me while I waited in bed for something to make it better.

I haven't lived any of my life without this condition, my earliest memories of this pain go back to my childhood. The conditions that come with endometriosis have had their claws in me for as long as I can remember. I'm so familiar with clutching a heating pad, curled on the floor or in bed, crying and waiting--begging really, for the pain to stop. Doubting it ever will. Being proven right about that often.

I've lived my life in pain and exhaustion. Who will I be once it's gone? What if it doesn't go away? What if things get worse? What if the pain gets better but I don't? Lots of questions and no real answers until I get there.

To quote Rachel Bochner "I'm happy you happened, I'm happier you're gone", or at least you're going to be gone. I hope. With the surgical nature of the condition many people have several surgeries in search of relief. This could be the start of a longer surgical journey, or the end of the suffering and start of a new life. It could be both, it likely will be somewhere in between.