Hayati Ayad

I am not a perfectly good person. But I'm trying to be good.

For as long as I can remember in Tumblr, in my 2 years experience in this app, I've been into some questionable and kinda disturbing shit, I think somewhere around 2025 or close.

While I am ashamed of some moments from my past, I want to acknowledge these actions of mine to give you an idea how 'problematic' I was before. (Again. I'm srs not proud of this.)

I used to give violent / disturbing responses to people being hateful to me and those I'm close with (friends). Going as far as sending d34th threats to someone back then. Though I can't confirm if it was an actual child, that specific user goes by the name 'Violet', who traced others and my art and also has tell other people to 'k¡ll themselves'.

At that moment, I was fighting fire with fire. Which eventually resulted to not so good effects. I remembered some people 'glorifying' how I said those nasty words to "protect my (former) friend", and it made me realize how messed up my actions were because I honestly, personally, absolutely do NOT want others to go saying d34th threats "because Hayati did it so it's fine". I remembered giving my apology, though it took me a long while to recover back to my 'normal' self. I remembered deleting my LMK blog because of how terrible I felt.

Though that was not my very first 'controversy' since I was even more problematic back in 2022 during my GachaToker era (Again, I am not proud of this era, just stating it), that 'Violet' incident definitely gave me a realization that I want to change and be better.

Idk what other 'drama' I was pulled where I was part of the problem, ig there was that 'Kai' incident (gacha h34t fan?), and then the 'Apricot' incident (the one that sent 18+ pictures)? But for those two, I just stayed away from it or blocked them rather than repeat my mistakes.

Then recently (July, I think), I once again snapped, and gave a violent response to an anon user, something related to an oc of mine, Zain, related to 'Arab culture' and such.

This one, I think is what has been bugging me since even if I did gave my apology, I can't help but think it's still not enough. I don't want to think all those months from that Violet incident in 2025 until this 2026, those months of learning how to be kinder, better and a decent person, would all go to waste because I snapped at the wrong user (anon).

Yes, I was angry. I had irl issues, and it was all bottled up (i know, it doesn't excuse my behaviour). I went to Tumblr, posted a DarkMoon content for my comfort, and when that anon gave that ask, the rage burst at the worst timing possible. I remembered even switching up to my own country's language, cursing at them (anon) in tagalog— because that's how infuriated I was.

I was angry at anon, yes. But did they deserve that much extreme violent response I gave? Absolutely not. Honestly, right now— I think I'm doing smh better, and if I could go back to that anon and give a decent response, I'd probably just say that "Zain calling Hayati 'habibi' is an inside joke between them where Hayati acts more like the man between them." and that's it. I'd feel mad, yes, but I wouldn't feel that much violent and aggressive to the ask because, to be fair, it was also calling me out because they thought I don't do research. Or that's what I think because they said "pls educate yourself"

I guess I read that specific line in a bad, disrespectful tone. Like in a "pls educate yourself 🙄😐" way, rather than a "pls educate yourself 🥹" way. And that's when I snapped.

So I want to say again— I apologize that people had to see me 'relapse'. I hate that part of myself that I'm desperately trying to take accountability by trying to act more responsible and better.

And I want to add that there actually is one more anon that mentioned "I thought you were a nice girl, but you're js immature" or something like that. I want to say, again, sorry you had to see that part of me. But understand this. I am trying to be good. I am trying to take accountability. I am trying to change not just for my audience, but for myself because I can't solve my issues if I keep having these unhealthy coping and defense mechanisms. But even if I try, also understand I have a limit.

For someone to tell me I'm "immature" because of that response without understanding my side, I mean- I can't blame them if that's what they thought, but still. It made me feel like all my efforts for almost a year just went down the drain? Like in a "I'm trying to be nice to people, and someone will think I'm decent. Then once I snap, someone will think I'm immature and that me being nice never existed."

So there's that. Before I leave, I do not want to be remembered as someone who was problematic. I know I can't control or change how people will view of me, and that's fine. But I just don't want to be remembered as someone who didn't took accountability, because I did. I apologized, I tried to be better, and most importantly, I learned from my mistakes. It may not be a perfect, emotional, with-tears apology video, but I tried my best.

I'm gonna say it again, to those that saw those terrible moments of me and got hurt & disappointed, I'm genuinely sorry. And know that I'm still, right now, trying to be better. Even when I'm off tumblr, I am still trying.

I can't say to myself if I've really did changed for the better— that's entirely up to the people to say whether there's an improvement to my behaviour or barely.

And before I go away, I'm kinda getting a sense of courage to turn on anon asks again— still VERY skeptical, but I mean, I should learn to trust that not all anons are bad-