Bienvenue, stranger

DO

celebrate other people’s good news (tell them that what happened was great, they earned/deserve it, you’re happy for them, elaborate on how it’s a good thing and why they deserve to be happy about it)

sympathize with other people’s troubles (tell them what they’re going through sucks, they did their best, point out that not all is lost (use examples of what they still have going for them) but it can still fucking suck)

react and ask questions related to what people say to you (ask for elaborations or explanations, ask about future plans, ask how things went before, relate the things they’ve said now to things they’ve said in the past, use their name sometimes, add your own (positive or neutral) perspective on the events, share related experiences)

if someone is instigating a fight or pissing you off, just walk away – or, if it’s all online, block them (it’ll make you look better, i promise)

ask about their day/state and pay attention to what they say, and apply the first three as needed

snark or make jokes/puns, if you have them, and be willing to laugh at other people’s jokes/snark/puns

share good events, interesting things, and the things that make you happy/excited (try not to ‘qualify’ these, i.e. add on reasons why you should be sad about the news, or why the news wasn’t actually that great – it’s not the end of the world if you do, but it does defeat the purpose a bit)

share bad events or things you’re unhappy about (it’s important to open up, and it’s unreasonable to expect yourself to be happy all the time; just make sure it’s balanced out by the positives as well)

remember that nobody does things that are senseless, and the sooner you can figure out why someone is doing what they’re doing, the easier it’ll be to deal with and negotiate (common reasons for baffling or harmful actions are: distress, self-interest, misguided altruism, unquestioned biases, peer pressure, thoughtlessness)

keep in mind that everyone (including you) is doing their best at any given time, and sometimes that ‘best’ just isn’t that good

TRY NOT TO

be harsh about or insult yourself (keeping in mind that that is taking side swipes at other people who have those traits, regardless of how you mean it)

point out why people should feel bad about the things they’re happy about

ignore all the specifics of what the person you’re speaking with is saying

spend a significant amount of time mocking other people (we all need to vent and we all have our moments; the operative word here is significant – don’t make it your personality)

put down to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity (don’t assume someone is being cruel when they could just as well be doing it because they’re dumb/oblivious)

dismiss or belittle other people’s distress (it’s not a competition, and their distress is real regardless)

dismiss or belittle other people’s happiness or interest (it’s not a competition, and their happiness is something you want in order to Not Be Mean)

(this is both non-exhaustive and not ironclad, simply a list of general things to aim for and skills to practice)

or say a dog whose sex I don’t know is a Very Good Girl