so much pain

I truly thought you loved me. Don’t say you did cause the way you portrayed it all and all your words, you wouldn’t have walked away. And fuck me for letting myself love you cause I knew better. Maybe you would’ve stayed if I held back but that’s not me. Fuck you for not accepting my love. I hope it was worth it…taking my already fragile heart, loving it back to life then ripping it apart. BUT. The twist. You still didn’t give it back, you still have my heart. And you like to play around with it, hurting me every day. I’m left so confused. Hurt.

Our lives were always crossing paths, though we never were face to face until this year. I hope later in life that can happen again, cause our lives crossed, but then we both went our separate ways. I hope the lines will cross again, and I’ll get to see you for a moment. A moment where we can love each other like no time has passed, just like before.

Never hold your breath for someone that only watch you suffocate.

I’m still wishing for you to come back to me

I’ve been having trouble giving my friends advice about boys, about their insecurities. So I ask them, “what would you tell me?” See yourself as a friend. Treat yourself like you treat your dearest friends. Love yourself like you love your dearest friends. Be able to walk away as easily as it is to tell your friends to walk away from things that aren’t serving them well anymore. Tell yourself you’re beautiful, and pump yourself up the way you pump up and drool over your friends. Make yourself smile, while you’re alone, doing things that you would with your friends; cause you’re your own friend, as well. Remember that.

I’m looking at you, seeing a future. You’re looking at me, as another person who’s going to leave; I guess that’s what you’re used to, but I’m staying, and it feels like you’re trying to run away from that; us; me. I’m seeing you getting revved up over small things; insignificant to me; wishing that kind of passion could be invested in me. Though I don’t think you’re ever going to love me. Almost like you’re incapable of it at this point in life. It crushes my heart, knowing this is, and will always be one sided. I wish I could say I’ll wait but that’s unfair to myself to wait around for something that may just never happen. I hate that I had to ask; though I don’t think I’m asking for much. Act like you fucking care. If you even do. If not, please stop wasting my time; giving me hope for a fiery love that isn’t even a lasting flame; a spark that was blown away in the wind.

I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.