Online dating can be a wonderful thing. Many people use dating apps or social media to look for love, and have honest and good intentions. Especially for a queer person, the internet can be a convenient way to meet someone - or even the only way to do so. But it is important to be aware that it's easy to fake good intentions online. So, let's talk about romance scams.
"Romance scam" describes a situation in which someone creates a fake online profile and pretends to be romantically interested in someone to trick them (into giving them money or into revealing personal information they can use in malicious ways). Everyone can become a victim of a romance scam but vulnerable groups can be a "easy target". Some scammers specifically target queer people as they are aware we may have a harder time meeting people offline.
Here are some red flags you should look out for. Not all of these will ring true for every romance scam, just one is enough to be cautious:
Someone falls for you very quickly
This can actually be a red flag for a scammer or for an abusive person. Obviously, people can fall hard and fast for someone. I have certainly done so before! But a real person (who is not out to manipulate you and isn't emotionally immature) will still want to get to know you before getting into a relationship with you. They will want to make sure that you are a real person with good intentions as well, they will wait until they are sure you two truly get along well and can trust each other before they commit to anything.
Please be careful if someone tries to get into a committed relationship or makes heavy promises (you are their one true love, they trust you blindly, they want to move to your country/city to be closer to you, they will love you forever etc.) very quickly. They may try to move so fast because they hope it (metaphorically) makes you dizzy and blind to their red flags.
They are in a bad situation and you are the only one who can save them
This often ties in with the fast pace I mentioned above: they quickly tell you dark secrets. They are a victim of some unlucky circumstances that are out of their control and you are the only one they trust enough to talk to about it. You are special, you are the only one they feel safe with, you are the only one who knows how to comfort them... This, again, may be them trying to quickly establish an intimate level of trust to blind you to red flags.
They dodge attempts of verifying their identity
They promise a video call or a date in person... but then keep postponing it (for various reasons that are out of their control). These stories are often elaborate and emotional, they make you pity them.
If you point out that their refusal is suspicious, they may make you feel guilty or convince you you are just being paranoid.
Oftentimes, they say they need the money to see you in person (either for travel expenses or to fix an unexpected emergency that prevents them from seeing you). But they may also promise to send you a gift and then there is suddenly an unexpected customs fee that the receiver (you) needs to pay. Or they have a medical emergency and need help paying the hospital fee. Or they have debt and need help to pay it off to start a new life with you... There are a lot of possible stories and scammers are skilled at making them sound believable!
Regardless of how convincing (or heartbreaking) the story may be, and even if they promise to pay you back: If someone you never met in person asks you for money (or gift cards or info that could be used to access your banking account), there is always something wrong. Of course real people can also have financial emergencies but a trustworthy person isn't going to ask someone they never met for money! Even if they are not a scammer, this would be a red flag that they are, at the very least, an irresponsible person.
They are a celebrity or millionaire (and you are not)
Most scammers pretend to be your everyday Joe, so don't think someone can't be fake just because they don't lead a glamorous life - but there are also celebrity romance scams. Yes, the fantasy of a celebrity falling in love with a fan is enticing - but it is an immediate red flag if a celebrity messages you out of the blue and shows romantic interest in you! The chance of that actually happening is basically zero (think of it this way: even if your favorite star saw your profile in their Instagram comments and thought you were cute, they could put themselves in a bad situation, PR-wise, by actually messaging you. They won't risk that). Keep in mind that pictures of and info on celebrities are widely available, so it's easy for some random person to pretend to be them and take advantage of your pre-existing parasocial relationship with them.
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