Another Hamilton Imagine Blog!

You loved Alexander, there was no question there. But Lafayette was your best friend. He was the one who helped you navigate your feelings for Alexander. He was the one you confided in with everything. He was the first one to know you were pregnant. He knew everything and now he was leaving.

You watched the boat sail off with hot tears slipping down your cheeks. "Come on, Y/N. Let's go home." Alexander suggested. You nodded, not wanting to be at the docks any longer.

—

Lafayette wrote as promised but it was long stretches in between letters. But you enjoyed every one you got. Alexander got a position at Washington's side and was always busy. He gave you as much time as he could but he was often working. You had a son and named him James.

You were a perfect little family. Alexander was busy but was still there for you and involved in James' life. And you still loved him so much.

You flipped through the letters you got from the mailbox. You smiled as you saw you got one from Lafayette. You set all the other letters down on the kitchen table to read Lafayette's. Your grin widened and you raced to Alexander's study. "We have to go to Virginia." You said as you burst in.

"Why? You know I don't necessarily care for that state."

"Because, Lafayette is coming to the United States and that's where he's docking." You said while you held up the letter.

"I'm sure he'll come here and visit us." Alexander said with a smile. "Especially you." He tacked on the end.

"Me too, but who knows how short his stay is. And imagine how surprised he'd be if we met him there." You tried.

"He'd be thrilled." Alexander agreed. "But I just can't. This plan, I have to finish it."

Your smile fell. "Oh, that's right." You mumbled.

"You know, you could take James and go to Virginia." Alexander suggested.

"Really? You don't mind?"

"No. You're right, Laf would love to have us meet him there. And he hasn't met James either. And you really want to spend as much time as possible with him. So go. I'll be here and working. Then when Lafayette comes to visit, you accompany him back here." Alexander planned.

You beamed. "Thank you, Alexander!" You leaned forward and kissed him soundly.

"Anything for you, the best of wives and best of women."

—

You were thrilled the day you came to the dock and saw a large boat coming in to shore. James ran around the dock playing while you waited. You spied someone you knew, though not well. "Mr. Jefferson." You greeted pleasantly.

"Ah, Mrs. Hamilton." He was kind to you. You had spoken to him before. He said his feud was with your husband and not you. He also claimed to have heard great things about you prior to meeting you. That was a mystery you had yet to figure out. "What brings you to Virginia?" He asked.

"That boat," you pointed to it. "Has a very good friend aboard and I'm here to greet him."

"The Marquis." Jefferson said.

"You know Lafayette?" You asked.

"Who do you suppose I worked with to draft a declaration for France? Who do you suppose had only positive things to say about you?" Then it all clicked. It made perfect sense that Lafayette would know Jefferson and why he would dock here and not New York.

"Of course." You said with a smile.

"Is Alexander with you?" Thomas asked.

"No. He's working on his debt plan." You told Thomas with a pointed look. He knew what the look meant but could also tell you weren't really all the angry about it. That wasn't your fight. Thomas merely shrugged.

"Well I just can't imagine he left your side, someone as lovely as you. And he claims to be so smart." Thomas quipped.

"Thank you for caring so much about my marriage Thomas. But things are fine." You told him. Thomas raised his hands in surrender.

You shared light conversation with Thomas until the boat docked and people started to come off. Thomas must've spotted Lafayette before you did because he raised his hand above his head to catch someone's attention. Both men were much taller than you though, so you weren’t that surprised.

Lafayette appeared behind a few people. His eyes were trained on Thomas, he was approaching to shake his friend's hand. Then his gaze flicked over. He did a double take when he saw you. You smiled and waved. It was as if he forgot about Thomas completely and ran forward to wrap you in a hug. "Mon amie! I missed you so much!" He said as he held you. He pulled back. "I thought I wouldn't see you until I came to New York."

"I thought I'd surprise you."

Lafayette glanced around. "Where is Monsieur Hamilton?" He asked.

"He's home. He was too busy to come today." Some emotion other than joy flicked across Lafayette's face for just a second. "It's just me and..." You waved James over. "James. Lafayette, it's my pleasure to introduce you to James Hamilton. James, this is Lafayette, me and your father have told you about him before."

"Oh yeah!" James said in recognition. "You helped my dad get a battalion." James held out a hand.

Lafayette smiled. "Oui. And he led it well." Lafayette looked back to you. "He's a good kid."

"Yes he is."

"Hate to break up this reunion." Thomas suddenly said. "But I'm feeling rather invisible."

"Of course. Monsieur Jefferson." Lafayette finally greeted his friend.

Lafayette wanted to visit the Washington's while he was here. And you and Thomas accompanied him. You actually accompanied Lafayette everywhere he went. He was extremely understanding. He knew you went out of your way to surprise him. And he was equally excited to spend time with you as well. Lafayette also took it upon himself to teach James some French. He was becoming quite fluent in the language.

One day, you and him were getting lunch. You left James with a family you knew for a few hours to catch up with Lafayette. "I'm glad you came early mon amie. I wish Alexander was with you though."

"Yes, well Washington's cabinet has kept him fairly busy." You tried not to sound too upset about it.

Lafayette studied you. "Mademoiselle are things going ok?" He asked. You had forgotten how well Lafayette could read you.

You smiled at his thoughtfulness. "Things are fine, Laf." You reassured him. "You know how Alexander can be, desperate to rise. He's getting his chance. Of course he's going to work toward it."

"His station shouldn't matter if he has you." Lafayette said. You flushed red at the compliment. "He should be more concerned with making you happy than rising in his station."

"He does make me happy, Lafayette. Me and James mean the world to him. I know that." You told him.

"Ok, only if you're sure mon amie." Lafayette said. "Because you are my favorite." He said, smiling at the old joke. "So I will put your happiness over my friendship with Alexander."

"Luckily, I don't think you have to do that."

A few weeks later, you were home once more. Lafayette and Alexander slid right back into their former friendship. Unbeknownst to you, however, Lafayette did have a heated conversation with Alexander about his treatment of you. You weren't sure if it was that conversation or his guilt that made him be much more attentive of you for the next few years.

—

Lafayette could forgive a lot. He could. He was understanding. People screw up a lot. He had his fair share of screw ups. But this. This was one thing he wouldn't forgive. The news even made it to France.

The Reynolds Pamphlet.

—

You only mentioned it once. “I need to know, did you tell me to go to Virginia just so you could have this affair?” You had to know.

Alexander’s eyes widened. “No! Absolutely not! I didn’t plant this. But while you were in Virginia she just showed up and-” You held up a hand to stop him.

“I don’t want to know all the details, Alexander. I think I’m better off without them.”

Things between you and Alexander were tense. You knew there was gossip floating all around you. Lafayette still wrote to you. You noticed his letters to Alexander stopped. He kept you sane. He talked about other things. He didn't bring up the shame and embarrassment that was the only thing your family was currently known for. He knew of course. But he never mentioned it.

Divorce was an option. But was that any better? James' family would be split. People would still talk. Gossip would only be worse. For your son's sake mostly, you stayed. The gossip was lessened when people saw the Hamilton family was still together. But that was in public. In private, life was very different.

You and Alexander ate meals at different times. Alexander practically lived in a guest room now. You barely spoke to each other. Friends knew some of what life had become like. Lafayette knew everything.

By the time the scandal became public, James was a young man. You couldn't shelter him from it. He knew exactly as you did. He never mentioned it either. However, he knew as a Hamilton that he should stand up for his family. He always had the same pride as his father, if not more.

Which is what led to you sobbing against your son's motionless chest. Alexander was breaking down beside you. He put a hand on your shoulder and you roughly shook it off. You didn't want his comfort and he didn't deserve any from you. You glared at him as tears ran down your cheeks. "This is your fault." You growled. A low blow certainly. But there was truth to it. "He was defending you. The man who cheated on his mother and declared the affair to the world. And he still defended you."

Life at home got even worse. The house seemed darker without your son. You weren't sure if Alexander was actively avoiding you or not, but you practically never saw him anymore. It was isolating and lonely. During this time, you sent your shortest letter ever to Lafayette.

“James was killed in a duel.”

You didn't add details or anything. You weren't sure you could dwell on the information right now. You were sure Lafayette had questions, he had to. He was probably upset as well. James began writing to Lafayette when he returned to France, referred to him as an uncle. A title that Lafayette wore with more pride than Marquis. But all the same, you received the shortest letter you ever got from Lafayette.

“Come visit, mon amie.”

Alexander noticed the suitcases in the living room. He knocked on the door. "I'm uh...I'm just wondering about the uh suitcases." He mumbled.

"I'm going to France for a while."

"Gonna go run to Lafayette?" He accused. "God, the two of you were always too close."

You dropped the dress you were folding and marched right up to him. You stated him down. "At least I never slept with him." You snarled. Alexander said nothing more and left you to pack. He didn't even tell you goodbye as you left.

—

The long boat ride wasn't bad. It wasn't anymore lonely than your home right now. And as soon as your feet were back on dry land, you were wrapped in Lafayette's arms. You started feeling tears form. "Lafayette, could we perhaps go back to your home so I don't have an emotional break down here in front of everyone."

"Of course mon amie." He said. He carried the two large bags you brought despite your protests. Lafayette showed you to his house, a large and impressive home. He put your bags in the guest room. He gave you one look and you ran to him, held him close, and sobbed against him. Weeks, months, and years of hurt being poured out. You had no one to comfort you since Alexander made his affair public. And it seemed Lafayette knew that.

He ran his fingers through your hair. He whispered reassurance and comfort in two languages. "I'm so sorry for everything you've been through ma cherie." He said. My darling. You knew what it meant. And you didn't say anything about it. You had gotten more affection from Lafayette's letters in the past few years than your own husband.

You found yourself in Lafayette's parlor and a strong drink in your hands as you sat next to Lafayette on a couch. He had a fire going in a fireplace in front of you. You just stared at the fire wondering how your life and gone up in smoke the same way.

"Ma cherie, I was wondering something?" Lafayette was anxiously fiddling with his drink.

"What?" You asked before taking a sip of your drink.

"Why are you and Hamilton still married? Divorce is an option." He said.

You sighed and glanced at the ring. You took another sip. "Everyone deserves a second chance, Laf. Even assholes I guess."

Lafayette was silent for a moment before he roughly slammed his glass down on the end table beside the couch. Luckily it didn't shatter. But it did pull your gaze to him immediately. "How many second chances does he get?" He asked. "Working rather than being with you for one. And his infidelity should be unforgivable enough. But when it leads to the death of-" A harsh sob stopped his sentence. He took a deep breath. His voice still wavered when he said, "Mon amie, he is out of second chances. Please, put your happiness first. Don't let him hurt you again."

"I don't even know where to start with all of that. And he was a lawyer. He'll have everything and I'll have nothing when this is over." You said.

"I'll help you through it ma cherie. And you won't have nothing. You'll have me. You are welcome to stay with me for as long as you need. You shouldn't have to stay with him." Lafayette said. "I can't stand to see you hurt again. You've been through enough."

—

A divorce that was happening across two countries was long. It boiled down to splitting things. Lafayette told you to ask only for things like clothing, family heirlooms, and anything that was obviously yours. Everything else, he could replace for you. You didn't need the house, you were staying in France indefinitely. You didn't have children to worry about. Not anymore. And Alexander agreed to the terms. Now you were waiting for finalizing papers and your things to get shipped to France.

While you were technically still married, you and Lafayette fell right back into your usual closeness. If not more than before. He used more pet names that just 'mon amie' now. And you liked hearing them so you never stopped them. You would accompany Lafayette to political functions, almost as a date. But you always said friends since you were still married. Though you avoided your tainted married name as much as possible. Lafayette seemed to take every chance to wrap you in a hug and you equally sought out years worth of comfort and affection from him.

One night, Lafayette returned from a dinner you couldn't attend. It happened on occasion. He was past tipsy and entering drunk. It had been a long time since he had gotten this drunk, but you remembered the days well and remembered them fondly. "Ok, let's get you to bed." You said almost as soon as he entered his house.

"I want to stay up with you ma belle." He said.

"Nope. Bed." You ordered, ignoring the drunk compliment.

You helped Lafayette get ready for bed. You were tucking the covers of his bed over him when he grabbed your wrist and looked at you seriously. "I have the best amie ever." He said.

You smiled. "Oh yeah?"

"Oui. Not only that but she is so jolie." Pretty. Was he talking about you? He was talking as if it a person not present. He released your wrist and made himself comfortable in the bed. "We've been friends for a looong time." He drug out the "o" sound. "I write letters to her a lot. But she's usually triste about something." Sad. So he was talking about you. "Her husband is a trou de cul." Your eyes widened. Lafayette rarely cursed in front of you. Said it wasn't proper to do so. But he just called Alexander an asshole. Which wasn't wrong. "I just want her to be happy. I hope I make her happy."

You smiled at that. Deciding to indulge him you said, "Trust me Laf, you make her really happy."

He beamed. "Really?" You nodded. "Do you think she could have loved me?” He asked innocently.

Love? You said the first thing that came into your mind, surprised that it was the truth. "I don't know."

"I hope so. J'aime Y/N." He mumbled before seeming to fall asleep. Apparently the two of you needed to have an important talk.

—

When you heard faint noises from Lafayette's room the next morning, you made two steaming cups of tea. You sat at the table, sipping yours. Lafayette trudged from his room looking very disheveled. He spied the steaming cup and gave you a thankful smile. And the adoration in that smile warmed your heart. He sat down and started drinking it.

"How do you feel?" You asked.

He groaned. "I haven't drank that much since before America's revolution." He said. "I feel terrible."

"You were pretty drunk." You commented.

Lafayette cringed, prepared for the worst. "How bad was I?"

You smiled a little. "You started telling me about your best friend. Me." You told him.

He chuckled. "Well you are my meilleur ami." He said. "What did I say about you? Hopefully nothing bad."

"Not really. You said I was pretty." Lafayette nodded like that was an obvious fact. “You said we were friends for a long time. You write me a lot. And that I'm usually sad about something, which is unfortunately pretty true." Lafayette reached out and grabbed your hand. "You said my husband is an asshole." You told him with a smirk knowing that might be the worst one.

His eyes widened. "Mom amie, je suis désolé." He said quickly.

You squeezed his hand to get him to stop before he started rambling. "Again, that is unfortunately pretty true." Lafayette brushed his thumb over the backs of your knuckles, a soothing motion. "You said that you hope you make me happy. And I reassured you that you do." Lafayette beamed once more at hearing it a second time. "And, Laf..." You paused. He looked at you expectantly. "You asked if I love you." His grip on your hand went slack and fell from your grip as his eyes widened and he slowly leaned back away from you. "Because you said you love me."

"Merde." He grumbled and stood and started to pace. "Je suis désolé, Y/N." He said.

"That's all you have to say?" You asked.

He looked at you a shrugged hopelessly. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know." You mumbled.

He sighed and dropped beside you. "I'm sure you want to move out now."

"And go where?" You asked. "I mean, I'll leave if you want me to but I think I want to stay here."

"You do? Even knowing...that?" He asked.

You grabbed his hand again. "Yes. Especially knowing that. Last night, when you asked me I told you I didn't know. But Lafayette, I think I might love you too."

"Might?" He asked.

You looked down at your hand, where a gold band still sat. "Yeah, things are confusing right now. But the one thing I know, is that you are the most important person in my life and I don't know what I would do without you."

Lafayette leaned over and kissed you. You sighed into it. You clutched his coat and tried pulling him closer. It had been so damn long and you wanted this. The way his hands so gently moved to the back of your head and the small of your back was full of adoration and affection. He was savoring every moment and so were you.

Then you snapped back to reality and pulled away quick. You were still married.

Lafayette was panting and staring at you. You were breathing deeply as well. "What's wrong ma cherie?" He asked and approached you.

"Lafayette, I'm still technically married." You said.

"Oh mademoiselle, it'll will be void soon."

"No." You said. "I'm not going to be as bad as Alexander. He can be as unfaithful as he likes. I will be a loyal wife while I'm married. Well, if you don't count that amazing make out session." You mumbled.

Lafayette smirked. "Amazing?" He asked. He pulled you into a hug, and you allowed it. That was safe.

"Yes, amazing. And I think waiting will make it even better next time." You said.

Lafayette groaned. "I hope so. It better be worth it." Then he kissed the top of your head. A little more dangerous but he used to do that when you were friends. "But you are always worth it.”

—

A few weeks passed. You and Lafayette waited, wanting to cross that line again but refraining from it. Then you got a letter from Alexander. Formalized divorce papers. Inside was a short note from Alexander.

“I’m sorry.”

You scoffed. He was sorry? You doubted he knew the meaning of the word. But you were single now. You slid the ring off your finger and into an envelope. She added a note of your own too.

“So am I.”

You sent the envelope off and let that be the end of your connection to Alexander. In truth, you would never need to see him again. He was in the United States, you were in France. You wanted no connection to him. Once you received your possession, which John Laurens had been kind enough to agree to send you (he agreed Alexander pulled a dick move with the affair), you would be done with Alexander.

How early was it to start dating someone new? Then again, how many people in France actually knew about your life in the Untied States considering you rarely told anyone your married name. You were constantly seen with Lafayette anyway when you were out in town. And, maybe not in an official sense, how long had your marriage with Alexander been over? Living in the same house didn’t mean you were married. The two of you shared a home, a child, and a last name. That was it.

What did you and Lafayette share? A long held affection for each other. Possibly love. A friendship that was impossible to sever, even when he was an ocean away. A desire to protect and care for one another. Even before your marriage with Alexander ended, you had practically started a new one with Lafayette.

When Lafayette got home, as soon as he closed the front door you pushed him against it and pressed your lips to his. His eyes widened for a moment before his arms came around you and pulled you even closer. He hummed against your lips. Without breaking from his lips, you pulled his hair free of his ponytail so you could bury your hands in his curls.

You eventually pulled away to gasp in a few breaths. Lafayette let his head thump back against the door, panting heavily as well. “Ma cherie, not that I’m ever going to complain about that but…Monsieur Hamilton?” He asked. You held your left hand and wiggled your fingers. No gold band rested on your ring finger.

“I got the paperwork today. I’m officially single.” You told him.

He scoffed and wrapped arm around your waist to pull you closer. “You aren’t single if I have anything to say about it.”

“Lafayette, are you asking to court me?” You asked and titled your head with feigned confusion.

“You know full well ma cherie, that is exactly what I’m doing.” He said and kissed your forehead. “Y/N, I can’t replace everything you’ve lost.” He said. “But I will do everything I can to make you as happy as possible from here on out.”

You smiled at him. “Lafayette, long before my marriage fell apart I think you were the only thing in my life, besides James, that made me happy. And once I lost him, you were the only thing I had left. So when you offered to let me stay with you, I had to accept. Because I knew you were the only thing that would keep me sane and happy after everything I went through.”

Lafayette ran his fingers slowly through your hair. He pressed a soft kiss to your lips. “I wasn’t lying, when I said je t'aime Y/N.”

“I know Lafayette. I’m not sure if I’m ready to say I love you. I did literally just get divorced. But I do know that you are the most important person to me. I care about you so much and I need you to be in my life.”

“Uh, so a bunch of us are going to get drinks. You wanna come?” He asked. You pondered it for only a moment. It wasn’t like you had anything else planned for the day. And tomorrow was a rare day off, you didn’t need to worry about being into work after a night drinking. So you nodded. Lin’s grin grew. “Great, we can walk over as soon as you’re ready.” So you packed your bag and got ready to leave before finding Lin and Chris. “Ready?” Lin asked.

“Yep.” So you walked to get drinks with the two men. One thing you really liked about this cast was the bond that nearly instantly formed. You were walking with two men who you knew were good friends. However, you were able to easily contribute to their conversation instead of feeling like merely an outside observer. You figured it was probably due to becoming friends with Lin rather quickly and Chris being a friendly person. But it made for an enjoyable walk to the bar.

You walked in and easily found your friends. They were all sitting around drinking and talking. Daveed, Oak, Anthony, Pippa, Thayne, Renee, Jon. That was just a few you noticed right away. You approached the table and were only slightly startled when Lin pulled out your chair for you. You chuckled at his chivalrous nature while you sat. Ever the gentleman it would seem. Lin sat beside you.

Drinks flowed as the night progressed. It wasn’t anything unusual. But Lin’s intake was a bit strange. He was drinking more than usual it seemed. “Hey, Lin.” You said softly at one point, drawing him into a small private moment between the two of you. “Maybe you should slow down with the drinks.”

He shrugged, his movements very slow and obviously drunken. But they were also very fluid, his limbs and muscles very loose. “I’m fine.” But the way his words slurred together conveyed otherwise. You gave him a small smile, clearly unconvinced. You turned back to the group and Lin did as well.

“Chris?” You called to the other side of the table. He looked at you and you tilted your head to the left, silently asking for him to stand and join you separate from the group. He nodded and you both stood.

“Hey, where are you going?” Lin asked.

“I’m just going to talk to Chris for a minute.” You patted his arm gently and walked off toward Chris.

“What’s up?” Chris asked.

You sighed and glanced back at Lin. “Lin’s getting pretty drunk. I tried to ask him to slow down but he didn’t listen to me. Do you think you could convince him to stop?”

Chris glanced behind you at your drunk friend. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna cut him off completely and get him home.” He headed over to Lin and mumbled, it seemed mostly to himself, “Before he makes a fool of himself.”

You walked back to the table in time to hear Lin whine, “But I wanna stay.” He sounded like a pouting child.

“I know, but you’ve drunk a lot and you should call it a night.” Chris suggested.

“Fine.” Lin conceded. You waved to the men as they walked off. Chris gave you a small wave while Lin waved happily. You smiled at him and his slightly amusing drunken nature. You already made the decision to check on him tomorrow.

So the next day, you found yourself outside on Lin’s place. You debated actually going in though. Lin knew how to take care of himself. He didn’t need you worrying over him. But he was pretty drunk last night. You could at least stop in and if he was fine tell him you were just passing through and wanted to stop by. He wouldn’t mind, he would probably even find it thoughtful. So you knocked on the door.

And no one answered.

So you knocked again, a little louder. This time a very tried looking Lin answered the door. He also looked slightly annoyed. “You’re loud.” He commented.

“You’re hungover.” You observed. He nodded and stepped aside to allow you into his home.

“How much did I drink?” He asked. You shrugged.

“I wasn’t keeping count. But it was more than usual. Chris brought you back here eventually. I figured I’d come check on you.”

Lin rubbed his head. “I don’t even remember Chris getting me home.”

“I’m not surprised.” You gave him a sympathetic smile. “Do you need anything?”

“Well I wanted some breakfast. I can cook it myself. Do you want any?”

“I came to check on you, and now you’re offering me breakfast.” You commented with an amused smile. Lin just smiled back. “Sure, I’ll have some breakfast.” So you and Lin talked. At some point he asked you to get him some medicine for his hangover from his medicine cabinet. He made you a great breakfast and you sat on his couch while you ate. And you enjoyed every minute of it. But eventually you had to leave and actually do things, and you told Lin just that.

“Oh right. Well, thanks for checking in on me.” He told you.

“Well thank you for breakfast. It was good.” You went to leave but paused in the door. “See you at rehearsal.” He smiled and nodded.

—

You stared at your costumes. A white “narrator” dress, a yellow “Peggy” dress, and the red “Maria” dress. All dresses. All wide. All inconvenient for dancing in. You knew Lin had a plethora of coats but they at least had pants. For today, you had to wear the red dress. You needed help getting laced into it. you walked out of your dressing room and played with your skirt. You heard a whistle. You looked to the source to find Lin standing there, in an olive green suit.

You raised your brow at his costume. He held his arms out and spun, showing off his whole attire. In response, you spun quickly, making your skirt flare wider for a second. “Well, we look good.” Lin said. “Though you look much better than me.”

“Thanks, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to dance in this.” You said and played with the wide skirt again.

“You’ll figure it out. You’re a talented dancer.” Lin said simply. You hoped he was right. And as you danced, you did figure it out. As you and Lin perfected the scene, the first kiss in the scene got longer and more passionate. At least the two of you acted like it was. But, as scripted, Lin had to pull away quickly and hastily as if he regretted the kiss. And you were sure Alexander Hamilton did regret the kiss. But you hated Lin pulling away from you like that. Even if everything is an act.

And as you pleaded with Lin, reassuring him you were unaware of the letter, he had to pull away and act practically disgusted with you. You understood why, but the act of it still hurts a little. Then he has to back away from you saying, “I don’t want you.”

However, as you went to sit on Lin’s lap, you nearly missed his legs entirely. Your wide skirt made it hard to tell where you needed to stop. Thankfully, Lin reached out and placed a hand on your waist and helped guide you down. You finished your scene at the end of the song and Tommy Kail called cut. “Thanks for helping me.” You told Lin, coming back onto the stage from the right.

“Well I couldn’t just let you fell. Maybe try gathering the dress and moving it out of the way in the future.” He suggested. You told him you would try that. You rushed to your dressing room. You put far too much thought into your performance and interaction with Lin tonight. There was a knocking on your dressing room door. “Drinks tonight?” Lin asked from the other side.

“Sure.” You said happily. You needed it. You found Lin outside your dressing room, ready to go. You looked around. “No Chris?”

“Nah, he had to get home to his wife and kids. I think one of his kids has a school function tonight.” Lin answered. So the two of you walked into the bar, side-by-side. Like before, Lin pulled out your chair for you. Often during the evening, you and Lin were having your own conversations. You sat with the crew from the show still, but the two of you got caught up in private conversations between the two of you.

However, you noticed Lin getting a large number of drinks once more. Chris wasn’t here this time to cut him off. So you’d have to be the one to do it. “Hey, Lin. Let’s get going.” You softly suggested. This time he made no protest and followed you from the bar. You easily flagged down a cab, not wanting to walk back to Lin’s apartment with him as drunk as he was now. You let Lin get in first and you climbed in after him. The driver started heading in the direction of the address you gave him.

Lin let out a sigh and leaned against you. You looked over at him as well as you could with him using you as a human pillow. “You ok, Lin?” You asked softly.

“Mm-hmm.” He mumbled and nodded with his face still leaning against your arm. “Just a little sleepy.” All of his words were slurring together and you chuckled at him. You let him stay leaning against you for the whole ride. When the taxi slowed to a stop and you paid the driver, you started to get out. Lin whined. “No…” He said, dragging out the word.

“Lin, we’re at your house. Trust me, you’ll feel better once you’re in bed.” You urged. He seemed unhappy but allowed you to pull him out of the taxi. He was stumbling, but seemed mostly able to walk by himself. However, he reached over and grabbed your hand with his left. You gave him a slightly curious glance but decided not to question it. You were friends so this wasn’t the weirdest thing, and perhaps he was more unstable than he looked. “Where’s your key?” You asked when you stood at his door.

He refused to let go of your hand, even though his key was in his left pocket and he had to awkwardly reach across his torso and fumble in his left pocket with his right hand. You immediately grabbed it from him, not wanting him to have to fumble with it and the lock. You pushed the door open and brought Lin inside.

You lead him to his room and pushed him onto his bed. His eyes almost immediately closed. You rolled your eyes and started to take his shoes off for him. You grabbed his comforter and tossed it over him. You went to leave but Lin grabbed your wrist and pulled you down onto the bed on top of him. He immediately wrapped his arms around you, holding you in place. “Lin, what are you doing?” You asked.

“Stay…” He whined drawing out the word.

“Lin come on, let go.” You tried. This was not a position you really wanted to be in. You could sit on his lap, even kiss Lin deeply, for a show. But you refused to deal with whatever was happening now. Especially when Lin was too drunk to even know what he was doing.

“Fine.” He relented. Even drunk he would respect your boundaries. “But I don’t wanna.” He complained. You chucked and sat on the bed next to him.

“Well I appreciate you letting me go.” You commented. You reached over and began playing with Lin’s hair. It was a bit tangled but you gently worked your fingers through until it was mostly smooth. You enjoyed his long hair.

“Y/N?” Lin voiced softly. His voice was practically a whisper at this point. You abandoned toying with his hair and laid down facing him. His eyes were still closed but he was apparently still awake.

“Yeah?” You whispered in response.

“I love you.” You absolutely froze. “It took me a while to figure it out. We were always dancing so close ya know. Then there’s the kiss too. But it’s weird cause that’s acting so I never knew how you felt. But I love our one song. I get to hold you close and kiss you. I get everything I ever wanted…just no way of knowing if your feelings are genuine. That’s why I swore to myself I’d never tell you how I felt.”

You actually smirked at that last part. He was drunk. He wouldn’t remember this in the morning. And you wouldn’t remind him. He startled you when he opened his eyes slightly. A small smile appeared on his face. Then he leaned closer and ever kissed you. Gently and softly and perfectly. You pulled away as soon as you could bear to break the contact. “Goodnight, Lin.” You said and quickly stood.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” You slept on the couch, just in case. But you woke up when you heard Lin moving around in his room. You left the apartment before Lin even emerged from his bedroom. You don’t know if he even knew you were there.

—

You messed with the mass of red fabric around your waist. You didn’t want to do this. Not today anyway. Not after last night. You had been actively avoiding Lin, and you were sure he noticed. There was a knocking at the door. “Y-Yeah?” You stuttered out, expecting Lin.

“Can I come in?” Instead Chris was on the other side of the door. You raised a brow. You didn’t expect that.

“Sure.” You replied. He opened the door and gave you a small smile, which you returned. You were a bit confused when he shut the door behind him.

“So…” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Lin said you’re avoiding him.” You stayed silent, staring resolutely at your skirt as it blocked your shoes. Your silence was all the confirmation Chris needed. “Why?”

“Why weren’t you out for drinks with us?” You snapped instead feeling defensive. To Chris’s credit, he didn’t get angry. You sighed. “Sorry, I know you had to be with your family. It’s just…without you there, I was the one who had to take a drunk Lin home.” Chris’s eyes widened as he started to piece together what happened. “He said some strange things when he was drunk. And he most likely doesn’t remember a single thing.”

“What exactly did he say?” Chris asked cautiously, clearly worried how deeply his friend dug himself.

“We need all necessary actors to stage.” A voice called over the speaker, cutting your conversation with Chris short.

You started to walk past him but paused. “Well, let’s just say I have to go perform a very intimate dance with a man that I know, for sure, loves me.” You heard Chris swear under his breath as you left the room.

Say No to This was a struggle today. Lin tried to give you his bright, welcoming smile when he saw you. You could only give him a tight one on return. A smile he noticed. You cut the kiss short, very short. It left you and Lin a few beats off, but you quickly recovered. You paused for a moment before sitting on Lin’s lap, again getting you off beat of the song. It was one of the worst run throughs of the song in a long time. Lin’s touch practically made you jump out of your skin.

“Alright, we made it through…somehow. Look, guys you had this song down great. What’s wrong?” Tommy asked.

“Beats me.” Lin said, you noticed he also sent an accusatory glance your way.

“My bad.” You said sheepishly. “I’ll fix it. Can I just…can I have a quick break?”

Tommy looked a little annoyed, considering you just started, but allowed it. You stalked off to your dressing room. You paced your room. You didn’t need these problems. You were a professional, damn it! But you knew how Lin felt now. He loved you. It shouldn’t be a problem. You and him cared about each other. You supposed you could tell him how you felt. But what did that mean for you? That unknown worried you. You knew you had feelings but were they on the same level as Lin? Or maybe they only stemmed from the scene with Lin that was extremely passionate?

Lin suddenly barged in the room. “Ok, what’s up?” He demanded to know.

“Do you remember anything about last night when we went out for drinks?” You asked. Lin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“No. I know I got wasted because I woke up with a massive hangover.”

“I know you got wasted to because I was the one who ushered you into a cab. I was the one who got you in your bed and took your shoes off. I was taking care of you and you told me you loved me.” You told him angrily.

Lin’s gaze snapped up to you. “I what?”

“You said you loved me. You had for a while. You were confused because of everything that happens in our song. And you swore you’d never tell me.”

Lin sighed. “I guess that explains why you acted the way you did. You have to kiss me and sit on my lap and a whole lot of other things. And you don’t feel the same.” You could hear the detection in his voice.

“Lin…” You began.

“It’s fine. And I’m sorry I was such an ass. I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk I couldn’t control myself.” He interrupted. “We can still perform, right?”

You crossed your arms and sighed. He deserved to know that you at least felt something. “No. I can’t. At least not yet.” Lin looked up at you in confusion. You took a step closer. He didn’t move. His stare went from curious to hopeful. Another small step and you were so close. You leaned in but Lin leaned back. You almost fell forward against him.

“I want this, so badly. But I need you to tell me it’s not because I stupidly admitted something.”

You paused and thought. “Honestly? I know I feel something.  I don’t quite know what it is. Because you’re right. We have very intimate moments on that stage and it makes this messy and confusing. But if just once, when we’re not acting and you’re not drunk, we can try this then maybe I’ll know. Because I want to know, and I’m very hopeful.”

Lin studied you for a moment then he leaned forward to close the space between the two of you. His lips pressed gently against yours. He didn’t pull away after a scripted time. He just stayed there, putting all the truth he could into the kiss. This wasn’t like his drunken confession. His confession when he was drunk was empty and meant nothing. But this meant everything. You knew in that instant that he meant everything he said. This was just a much better way of putting it.

And in that instant, you knew exactly how you felt. You grabbed the edges of his stupid, green suit coat and pulled him as close as you could. He hummed happily against your lips. When you finally pulled apart, he rested his forehead against yours with his eyes closed and a dazed smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I was drunk and told you that I loved you. But I need to tell you now, completely sober, that I do love you. I wish I could tell you how long I have been or what it was that made me fall in love, but I can’t. I just realized it out of the blue.”

“Was it when we were kissing on stage or another part of the song we perform?” You asked jokingly with a small smile.

“It wasn’t.” You pulled back to study him curiously. “You were just talking to Anthony and Thayne one day. You weren’t doing anything special but that’s when I realized how completely I had fallen.” He shrugged slightly. “I don’t know how long I loved you before then.”

You gave Lin another quick kiss. “Let’s go. We have a song to perform after all.” The two of you executed a perfect run-through of Say No to This and a few other scenes before you were no longer required for rehearsal, there were no other scenes required for you. So you settled in the first few row of seats in the audience and watched your friends perform. At some point, Chris settled in a seat behind you. He leaned forward and leaned against the seat next to you with his forearms.

“So? Did you and Lin figure things out?” He asked.

“Yeah, we’re fine.” You told him. Better than fine, you thought to yourself as you watched Lin. But Chris, or anyone in the cast, didn’t need to know that yet. Considering you and Lin just figured it out, they could wait.

“Good. Lin was pretty upset that you were ignoring him. So he’ll be glad to get it figured out.”

After rehearsal, a group of cast members met up at a pizza parlor. You sat next to Lin, as usual. What wasn’t usual, was how close your seats were. Or the fact that Lin kept eating the pizza toppings you had removed from your pizza. Or when you wanted another breadstick and Lin gave you his, and you immediately tore it in half so you could share it. The two of you slid so easily into this new relationship.

The only one who seemed to take any notice was Chris. He studied the pair of you, very closely. Eventually, he grabbed Lin by the arm and pulled him off. You glanced over at the friends. You knew their posture pretty well at this point. Chris was asking him questions, lots of questions. Lin was responding with lots of hand gestures but he shoved his hands in his pockets after each response. A sure sign he was lying.

Chris crossed his arms and stared at Lin. You decided to just spare him. He was trying not to even look in your direction and hint to Chris that you were a couple. Lin wasn’t sure how you felt about people knowing yet. But you didn’t care if Chris knew. He wouldn’t run around telling people until you and Lin were ok with it.

You walked over and leaned your head on Lin’s shoulder. “What’s up?” You asked, injecting yourself into the conversation. Chris looked between the two of you accusingly. “What’s wrong, Chris?”

“Lin says nothing major happened between the two of you earlier today.” His tone said that he didn’t believe you at all.

You leaned away from Lin and shrugged. “I guess it didn’t seem that major, I mean it was bound to happen eventually. Right, Lin?” You leaned in and pressed a quick, soft kiss to his cheek. Lin froze.

“That’s something major!” Chris accused.

“You don’t care that he knows?” Lin asked you. You shook your head. “Ok. You know I drunkenly confessed and then Y/N told me she felt the same way. So completely sober and off-stage, we kissed. We’re dating now.”

Chris smiled. “You two are idiots if it took you this long.” Then the walked back to the table. Lin left the restaurant completely sober but you two still went to his house together.

—

The next drinks night was when the cast figured out. Lin wasn’t intentionally getting drunk this time. It was getting closer and closer to the premier of Hamilton. He was getting anxious. So cast member were buying hims drinks to ease his nerves or to congratulate the approaching premier. It wasn’t long before he slipped into his calm state with slurred speech.

“Lin, I think it’s time to stop drinking.” You told him.

“That’s probably a good idea.” He commented. “Last time I drank too much, I accidentally told Y/N that I loved her.” You started laughing at him. “But it’s ok because she loves me too.” He was smiling so happily.

“Yes she does.” You agreed in a whisper. Lin leaned over and let his head rest on your shoulder. The cast wasn’t suspicious yet. This was actually normal for the two of you. Lin managed to snake his arms around your waist and cling to you. “Lin, you realize you’re clinging to me, right?” You were still whispering to not alert the cast.

“Of course I’m clinging to you. I love you.” He said. He said it loud.

“What did Lin just say?” Anthony said, immediately leaning close to the two of you.

“Nothing.” You said quickly and evasively.

Anthony started to smirk, a shit eating grin. “Nah, I totally heard the L-word get said over here.”

“No you didn’t, Ramos. Drop it.” You warned.

“Oh, that was me.” Lin piped up cheerily.

“Shut up.” you begged.

“No.” he whined. “I wanna tell Anthony how much I love you.”

“Lin, stop.” You tried again.

“Do go on, Lin.” Anthony urged. “I want to hear all about it.” But then Anthony paused and looked at you. “Why aren’t you freaking out over what he’s saying? You should either be super excited or pushing him away. Unless…” You groaned as Anthony realized the extent of you and Lin’s relationship. “Holy shit, you two are together!”

“Did you need to shout it?” You grumbled as the whole table looked over at the two of you.

“What?” Renee asked with a smile.

“Knew it.” Groff grinned. And various other comments from the cast. You were able to detach yourself from Lin at one point. The two of you left the bar together, with whistles and suggestive remarks from your cast-mates. You got a cab and ushered Lin inside. He leaned his head against your shoulder and wrapped his arms around your waist. You played with his hair.

You got to his house and like before, got Lin in the bed. You grabbed some medicine for him when he woke up. But this time you pulled open the bottom drawer of his dresser and grabbed a pair of pajamas. You changed in climbed in the bed next to Lin. You felt his arm drape over you and pull you close. Your back was against his chest and he was holding you tightly there.

—

You woke up to someone toying with your hair. You rolled onto your back and found Lin propped up on his elbow, slightly leaning over you. He pressed a quick, soft kiss to your lips. “Good morning. Thanks for taking care of my drunken ass again.”

“What exactly do you remember?” You asked.

He sighed and dropped back onto the mattress. He flung an arm across your waist. “Honestly, not much.”

“I’m setting you a drink limit when we go out.”

“Fine. I wouldn’t mind waking up and remembering the night before.” Lin said. “So what did I do to embarrass myself this time?”

“Well you were super clingy, Lin.” He grinned sheepishly and shrugged a little bit. “But you didn’t only embarrass yourself. Lin, the whole cast knows we’re together now because you just had to talk about how much you love me.” You told him with an accusatory look.

He paled and his eyes widened. “I did what?”

“You told everyone.” You mumbled.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” He pulled you even closer and kissed your cheek. “How’d they take it?”

You shrugged. “Jonathan said he knew.”

Lin chuckled. “Of course Groff does. Everyone else?”

“They gave us shit for it, but they seem happy and ok with it.” You told him.