You're losing me
John Tucker x Maxwell!Reader (Part One)
Synopsis: Nursing school has been taking every piece of you, but with the end slowly coming into sight, you finally feel as though you're walking the correct path in life. It isn't until tragedy strikes that you realize how fragile those paths can be. And how much the most unexpected people will come to mean to you.
Warnings: Depictions of car accidents, injury, trauma. Not really a warning but Dean and Beau call reader Bub/Bubs. I know it's cringe. It's supposed to be.
Also, a little note, I went through a tiny amount of nursing school but I never made it to clinicals so I'm not 100% sure how they work but we're just rocking with it lmao.
I'm getting tired even for a phoenix
"Twenty year old male, trauma to the head and chest."
Drip.
Rain drums steadily against the hospital's roof as you scrub your hands.
"Shock advised. Stand clear of patient."
Drip.
He had only been a couple years younger than you. The thought makes you scrub your hands harder, angrier.
"Clear!"
The faucet shuts off, but you don't remove your hands from beneath it. The water dribbles down the edges of your fingers, landing with soft plops into the sink.
Drop.
"Time of death: Nine fifty eight."
No one said that nursing clinicals would be easy. Quite the opposite, actually. Many people had advised you that it was going to take everything out of you, that the hours would be long and hard. But no one could have prepared you for this.
No one could have prepped you for how working in the field would give you the perspective that maybe life was much more fickle than you could've ever imagined.
How in one moment you could be breathing, laughing, loving. And in the next, your life could be ripped away from you without hesitation.
On the way out of the hospital, the head nurse stops you, gives you the kind of smile that says, 'I know, kid. I've been there.' She doesn't say much, though. She tells you that you did good, that often being a nurse means being there for people in the scariest and hardest moments of their life. That it'll all pay off in the end.
But in that moment, you couldn't help but wonder if it was really worth it. If it was worth the hours, the lack of sleep, if you could stomach seeing people at their most vulnerable.
Not wanting to be alone for the night, you head to the hockey house. Beau said he'd be there, and now more than ever, you feel it in your bones that you need your older brother.
Beau was the kind of person that was there for you no matter what. Rain or shine, happy or sad, he was always there. Right in your corner. He had picked you up on endless occasions, never letting you be down for too long. If you were afraid of the future or afraid of failure, he knew all the right things to say to make you feel better.
And you needed that tonight.
"Hey, bubs!" The voice that picks up the call isn't your brother, but he might as well be with how much he's around.
You can't help the smile that tugs at your face. "Hey, Dean. Where's Beau?"
There's a moment of silence, and then a loud crash in the background. Shouting ensues, and you pull the phone away from your ear as the noise ricochets against the silence in the parking lot.
Through laughter, Dean says, "He just knocked an entire tray of cupcakes off the counter."
Typical behavior from Beau. You love your brother more than anything, but sometimes he does things without thinking. You joked sometimes that it was his Achilles Heel. If not for that one little flaw, he would probably be the perfect person.
"What am I going to give her now?!"
Tucker, you think.
"Give who what?" You ask, unable to help that nosy little part of you. You hoped that her meant Allie, Hannah, or Grace. Then again, you didn't think that Tucker was seeing anyone. He was one of your best friends, and you were pretty certain he would've told you if there was a girl in his life.
Dean coughs awkwardly, then mumbles something.
"What was that?"
"Oh wow, look at the time. I need to go now. Bye bye bubs, see you in a bit!"
Dean clicks off the call quickly.
You shake your head, and throw your phone into your backpack. Thankfully, tonight was the last night of this rotation of clinicals. You could kiss the emergency room goodbye, and say hello to med surge. Christmas break was a beacon of light in your future, and you genuinely couldn't wait to step into that light.
---
Always risin' from the ashes
The hockey house is surprisingly dark when you pull up.
From the sound of it, you had thought that when you arrived that there would've been a party happening. But there are only the usual cars in the driveway and on the street. Not that you minded. Not really, anyway. A quiet night was exactly what you needed after your 12 hour shift.
The foyer is so dark it's nearly impossible to see as the door creaks open. Worry roils through your stomach.
Did something happen? Was there someone waiting for you in the dark?
Every horror movie ever flashes through your mind.
Just as you're about to back out of the house, all of the lights flick on, and Beau jumps out from behind the couch.
A startled scream tears from your throat as he shouts, "Surprise, Bubs!"
A relieved breath releases from your lungs. Beneath your palm, your heart hammers painfully against your chest.
In your peripheral, Tucker inches away from the kitchen island, and toward you with a single cupcake in his hands. The cupcake is a little lopsided, the frosting smeared across the paper. Tucker smiles sheepishly as you look from the cupcake to him. "Your brother may or may not have knocked every single cupcake off the table earlier. I managed to catch this one before it landed, though. Sorry it doesn't look so nice anymore."
There's a little sugar candy shaped stethoscope precariously placed on top of the frosting. The sight of it makes your chin wobble as tears prick at your eyes.
"You don't like it?" Beau asks quietly. He places a palm against your shoulder, dipping his head so that he can see into your eyes.
"It's not that," you pull the front of your hoodie up to your eyes and wipe across them with the fabric. "It was just a bad night. This younger guy was in a car accident that wasn't his fault and he died. It made me feel like a failure, you know? I couldn't even do anything to help him."
Mendin' all her gashes
Allie steps out of Dean's hold, her arms crossed over her chest. In the light, her features are severe, but you know that she isn't anything but. "Babe, you are not a failure."
"Feels like it," you say quietly.
"What did you tell me about nursing when we first met?" Tucker asks.
You think back to that version of you, back during the fall semester of your freshman year, when you shared statistics class with Tucker. You bite the inside of your cheek to keep more tears from spilling over. "That I wanted to be a nurse so I could help people? But I don't feel like I am-"
"Bub, you are seriously like everyone's little ray of sunshine," Dean interrupts. "Yeah, maybe you and your team weren't able to save his life in the physical sense. But I'm sure your presence brought so much comfort to him. Don't let this knock you down, okay? You have come so far. And we are all proud of you."
Beau smiles at you encouragingly. "I couldn't have said it better. I love you, kid. We're gonna get through this together."
Life could be scary, and you questioned yourself more than you liked to admit, but with your brother and the help of your friends, you knew that you could do anything you set your mind to.
---
The night ends on a cozy note.
A blue glow from the TV casts a dim light over the living room. You shift beneath your blanket, your fuzzy sock clad feet nudging against Tucker's legs as you move. "Sorry," you say quietly.
A small smile graces his features, but he doesn't look away from the TV. From the angle you're looking at him from, you realize how sharp his jaw is. Your eyes follow the ridge of his nose down to his lips, and you find yourself wondering what it would be like to kiss him.
It's not completely new. You'd always liked Tucker. He was kind, and had the sort of quiet strength that you had always been drawn to. But sitting beside him, you realize how badly you want to be able to curl up into his side without the barrier of friendship being there.
You say nothing about it, though, as you do just that. He smells like bergamot and pine as you lean into him, your head resting against his broad shoulder.
Everyone else is asleep, curled up in various places around the living room.
On screen, Edward shoves Bella out of the way, just as the car almost hits her.
"Man, this movie sucks. But I love it so bad," Tucker shifts, wrapping an arm around you. His fingers draw slow circles against your bicep. "It's so bad I'm drawn to it, you know?"
Beau always had an obsession with Twilight. It started when you were kids, and it truly had never faded. You get where Tucker is coming from, though. The books weren't awful, and you supposed the movies weren't necessarily awful either. But they also weren't good. They were comfort in a movie.
Tucker's other hand rests over the blanket on his lap, stained blue from the frosting. The sight tugs at your heart strings. He went through so much trouble for you, and you probably hadn't even seemed grateful for it.
"Thank you, Johnny," you murmur, voice muffled by the fabric of his sweatshirt.
He shifts again, "What for?"
Ever the humble guy. "The cupcakes. I'm sorry if I didn't seem happy about them. I just..I don't know, I think I'm finding out that I have a hard time dealing with certain things."
He makes a low noise that rumbles through his chest. "You have nothing to apologize for. What you're doing isn't easy. But we're here for you. Every step of the way, you hear me?"
"I hear you, Tuck."
He squeezes your upper arm affectionately. "Good. Hey, you're going home for Christmas in the morning, right?"
Honestly, you'd sort of forgotten that was tomorrow. "Yeah, actually. Why do you ask?"
Tucker sits up straight, "Could you look at me?"
Your heart kickstarts a little, beating a little more rapidly than it had been before. You sit up, the blanket falling around your waist. You're thankful for the oversized hoodie you stole from Beau, because right now, with the way that Tucker is looking at you, it makes you feel naked. "What's up, Tuck?"
He swallows hard, his jaw working as he flicks his eyes from you to the floor and back. His tongue darts out, wetting his bottom lip. "Well, I-"
The front door swings open, slamming against the wall. You and Tucker both jump hard as Grace unceremoniously stumbles into the house. "Babe!"
Logan follows close behind, his face set in a grimace as he grabs his girlfriend. "Shit, I'm so sorry, guys. She might've had one too many drinks. Oh, shit, here..no...throw up in the trash, baby."
You stand quickly, mind in autopilot as you grab the nearest trashcan and rush toward Grace. Afterward, you get her settled with a bottle of water before making your way back to your spot beside Tucker.
"Sorry," you say. "What was it you were gonna tell me before that?"
Tucker shakes his head, shrugging it off. "Oh, yeah, it was nothing important. It can wait until you get back."
He says it like he means it, but honestly? You've never been so sure in your life that he was lying.
---
Wisconsin is cold, clearly in the hold of Jack Frost.
Moonlight sparkles off the snow, making it look like a winter wonderland. From your spot by the fireplace, you watch Beau and your grandmother interact. She laughs loudly at something he says, her head tipped back to the sky. He grins in response, clearly pleased with himself.
All night, your stomach had been in knots. You couldn't quite place the reason for it, just that you felt like something was wrong. Maybe it was because you'd left Briar on an open ending. Tucker had acted a little weird the morning you left, clearly feeling nervous about something.
hey, you type.
The little typing bubble pops up within seconds of your text sending. It disappears a few times before he finally sends something.
Hey :P doing okay? You can't help but grin at Tucker's text. For whatever reason, he had been boycotting genuine emojis for his own version.
feelin kinda anxious rn. idk why tho.
Can I do something to help you? Tucker responds.
"You about ready to leave, kiddo?" Your dad calls from the hallway, shrugging his big puffer over his shoulders.
No! Your gut screams.
You choose to ignore it. You were tired, and out of your typical routine. Of course you felt weird. "Yep, just need to grab my purse and say bye to nana."
Nana is a sweet old thing, her fingers worn from years of knitting and sewing. She smiles wide as you approach. "Bye bye my darling girl, I love you, I love you, I love you!"
She smells like home as you lean down to wrap her in a warm hug. "I love you, Nana. Take care until I see you next, okay?"
You move out of the way so that Beau can say goodbye. For whatever reason, it makes you want to cry.
Were you okay? Maybe your period was coming sooner than you thought. Yeah, that had to be it.
You nearly fall on the way out to the car as you race Beau to the car. Some things never change, and that was one of them. No matter how old you got, you'd probably always fight him over who got to sit in the front seat. The cool metal of the handle touches your palm first, and you stick your tongue out triumphantly.
The roads are slick, but your dad drives slowly. In the backseat, Beau sings quietly to the song on the radio. You glance up at the road before sending another text to Tucker.
the roads low-key suck rn. & idk, i think i'm just tired tbh
The bubble pops up again.
"Oh, shit!" Beau shouts from the back seat.
You might just have dealt the final blow.
A deer darts out into the road, and time slows as you see the way that your dad instinctively turns the steering wheel in the opposite direction.
No.
You want to rewind time and say, no, don't do that. You never swerve for an animal. Especially not on ice.
The car hits a patch of ice and goes skidding across the road, time seemingly suspended in space as the car loses control.
"Fuck," your dad growls, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
You see the tree before you feel it.
In that moment, you had a horrifying feeling that once you hit the tree, that you weren't going to be okay. You weren't going to walk away from this.
Stop.
"Beau, Dad, I love you guys so much," you say, voice muffled as your ears ring from panic.
"Bubs," Beau says desperately, "I love you."
Your inches, or maybe miles from the tree, you can't be sure, when you hear the unmistakable click of a seatbelt unlatching.
You're losin' me.
Beau launches himself forward, his arms encircling you as the car slams into the tree. "I've got you. I've got you. I love you."
There's a moment of quiet.
A moment where you think, am I dead right now?
And then you realize, no. There's the taste of metal in your mouth, and pain rippling up the side of your leg when you look down to see that a shard of glass has lodged itself into your thigh.
But then the quiet becomes unbearably loud.
Because Beau stopped repeating that he had you. Stopped repeating that he loved you.
"...Beau?"
Beside you, something like a horrified wail or cry rips from your dad's throat. "My boy."
That tether you had to Beau snaps, and you find yourself afloat in the universe as your fingers find his wrist, desperate to find a pulse there.
Stop. You're losing me.
No pulse.
You don't know when you start screaming, only that it doesn't end until the paramedics arrive.
Even through the pain, you'd attempted to do CPR, tears spilling down your cheeks as you did chest compressions on your brother.
But it didn't work.
He was dead. Beau was dead.
I can't find a pulse. My heart won't start anymore.
And somewhere in the wreckage, your phone lays with an unopened message from Tucker. Tell your dad to drive safe!! Please text me when you get back to your dad's house. I'm gonna head to bed. I hope you sleep good tonight <3
