small girl with big feels & big dreams

I love you so much. I am so proud of you. Through all the darkest moments and heaviest days, you pushed through it and tried your hardest not to self abandon in the process. With every highs and lows came with a lot of perseverance and gentleness and patience. I know these did not come easy, even the battles that forced you to come out of your comfort cycles to rip the bandage off.

I love you for your strength, your courage, your compassionate heart and your sweet soul. Your vibrancy shines through remarkably bright through the greyest of fogs.

Something that I have not dealt with for a long time.

I see its silhouette wherever i go, almost everyday.

In my friends’ happiness that i couldn’t help but compare, in familiar places & memories, in thoughts of him, in this festive season.

The discomfort makes me want to do everything but sit still, and i am trying to be honest and true to myself with this old stranger.

Maybe i thought i had outgrown this feeling, so it has felt uncomfortable to have to reconcile with it again.

I feel happier

I feel much lighter

I feel like i can breathe again

I feel more and more comfortable being in my own zone and space again

I feel like i’m coming back home to myself again

Maybe this time with a renewed sense of self

I just feel…. More centered perhaps.

Life after you is starting to feel so much better.

Not having to put myself through such a chaotic and confusing and painful space unknowingly.

I feel like i can celebrate myself again

And embrace every aspect of me as much as i could.

I feel i can be me again

Of fresh new beginnings ;

New space, new lifestyle, new mindset, new experiences & new energies.

A rebranding of a new me.

Forgiving myself for not knowing what I wanted, for not knowing what to look out for and for not knowing better.

Forgiving myself in showing up in ways that i felt was right at that point in time, for choosing things that I felt was right.

It did felt right, and that was why the pain of those memories are felt right now.

Because it meant something, but the values no longer align to my reality today.

It was not for nothing, it was for something; as short-lived and devastating as it had been, it had fulfilled a part of my soul and my heart at that point in time.

And now that I no longer need it, it does feel gut wrenching feeling like everything is breaking apart, maybe it is meant to be broken down.

Just as I am grieving lost memories, I am also grieving the old me.

And that is okay, changes are meant to be uncomfortable.

But at the end of the day, I chose to open my heart out again, I chose to want to experience again, after locking myself up for years. I chose to want to try again, as daunting & scary as that has been.

Maybe i am becoming disillusioned, but all i see is hurt and sadness and pain whenever i think about him. It feels like there is nothing alive anymore, everything is dying out. And perhaps, my feelings too, are slowly turning dead and gone.

I’m trying to sit with this profound sadness that I hold everyday, maybe this is what letting go is; sadness & liberation. Or maybe I have finally allowed myself to feel completely, and it fucking hurts.

And maybe, I have allowed myself to feel the full, raw emotional wounds and i no longer feel the need to feel like that again.

Sadness comes in gentle, almost still streams.

Mourning a beautiful place attached to painful emotions.

Grieving the pain that was ruthlessly dealt upon.

The photos may probably hurt still, so I don’t want to hurt any more.

Waking up feels easier without the weight of the ghost of you sleeping beside crashing down on me, and I hope to keep it up.

Every night I try to go to sleep thinking and dreaming of my better future instead, one where I truly feel happier & much more fulfilled.

I allowed myself to remove traces of you in messages & music for now, because I deserve to live a life full of me and less and less of you right now.

Liberated from any more stress, anxiety, hurt, sadness, confusion, anger.

Liberated from his inconsistencies, his negativity & selfishness.

Liberated from suppressing how i really am and feel.

My truth has released me.

Though it still feels bleak, lonely, and dark, i hope i could feel that i am in a much better place now than where i was.

I hope i see beauty again, in the world and in myself.

I hope i could go out and celebrate my life just as how i set out to do this entire year.