Who?

If fireflies didn’t exist on earth and we visited an alien planet to see huge groups of tiny, flying, light up animals it would blow our fucking minds.

If you try to rob a bank, regardless of whether you’ll succeed or fail, you’ll have your food, drink, and housing fully paid for the next ten or twenty years.

“Out of sight, out of mind” is is completely meaningless when that spider on the wall goes missing

Bill Gates children will likely never outdo him and just be known as Bill Gates kids for the rest of their lives

The people that just want to be left alone are usually the funnest people to hang out with.

If you think your life is bad, always remember that there’s a janitor on the set of every porno that has to clean up after every session.

If you punch a sleeping person hard enough, they’ll just stay asleep.

It would really suck having a sudden earthquake happen during a surgery.

If monsters were real, we would probably just consider them dangerous animals.

If a kid doesn’t know who an older celebrity is, adults think they’re dumb, but if an adult doesn’t know who a young celebrity is, adults still think kids are dumb.

Water fights and water parks are both very big flexes on third world countries

Free money on your birthday is like passing Go and collecting $200 in monopoly

When you get old, the old you is technically the new you, and your young self is the old you.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because they cannot come inside without an invitation

When you go to the beach, you’re standing next to the same body of water that’s claimed thousands of human lives.

A nice, cozy rainy day is considered as ‘bad weather’, but a obnoxiously hot, sunny day is considered as 'good weather’