perfect places.

          she  mentions  his  mom  and  bam  freezes.  if  there’s  ever  a  time  where  he’s  sure  his  heart  had  stopped,  he’d  think  it  was  this  moment.  if  it  wasn’t,  then  it  was  the  moment  he  first  saw  gwen.  eyes  remain  focused  on  the  items  on  the  shelf  in  front  of  him,  on  anything  that  wasn’t  the  female  beside  him.  going  through  his  mother’s  death  alone  was  one  of  the  worst  things  bam  could  have  possibly  imagined.  he  spent  a  week  back  in  that  house  after  hearing  the  news,  mostly  to  help  his  dad  pack  up  her  things.  half  of  the  boxes  went  to  bam’s  apartment.  hell,  they  were  still  sitting  in  the  spare  room,  too.  the  guy  could  never  find  the  strength  in  him  to  do  anything  them  yet.    ❛    it’s  okay.    ❜    he  displays  a  tone  she’s  used  to.  a  tone  that’s  reserved  for  after  getting  the  shit  beat  out  of  him.  it’s  a  tone  that  gives  false  hope  in  regards  to  his  well - being.  bam  wouldn’t  be  surprised  if  she  knew  it  was  bullshit.  he  sniffles  and  it’s  something  quiet,  but  he’s  soon  moving  on  from  the  conversation  to  keep  himself  from  crying  in  front  of  gwen.    ❛    yeah.    ❜    there’s  a  deep  sigh  that  follows,  as  if  he’s  relieved  that  the  topic  changed  so  quickly  to  something  he  actually  didn’t  mind  elaborating  on.    ❛    i  am.  they  added  a  special  recipe  i  came  up  with  and  everything.    ❜

the shift in the air is enough for gwen to look up finally from the stupid hand soap. she pauses, unsure if she should have said anything or just LEFT it. maybe she should have left it. he’s not turned to her, but she can see the tenseness in his shoulders. she can hear the HURT in his voice. it’s the same voice he always used when he spoke about the atrocity that was his father. a year ago, gwen would have been sliding over to him, arms going to hug him from behind, planting a KISS on his neck and murmuring ‘take a breath, babe.’ but. they couldn’t be further from that. gwen doesn’t know what she’s allowed to do. she hesitates, before taking a few steps closer, and then gently placing her hand over bam’s. she shouldn’t. she SHOULDN’T, because the feel of his skin against hers is like a pure ZAP of electricity. it’s the most she’s felt in MONTHS. but right now, this moment is about more than just bam, and her. “i’ll never forget the time she sent me a corsage, before prom, because she was worried you’d forget.” gwen says, quietly, a brief and sad smile flickering on her lips before it’s gone again. she drops her hand away from his, lets the numbness wash back over her, instead. gwen is taking steps away again, pretending that she’s looking for hand towels now. maybe it’s so she can pretend she DIDN’T just touch his hand. didn’t just graze him, and feel the warmth and familiarity that was her first and ONLY love. she almost forgets entirely that he’s talking about the restaurant. she’s a bit belated in her reply. “oh, that’s amazing. what recipe is it?” gwen asks, politely.

          at  the  mention  of  her  parents,  flashbacks  hang  over  bam’s  head  like  a  dark  cloud.  they’re  good  memories,  of  course  ––  how  her  father  treated  him  like  his  never  did,  how  her  mother  would  look  out  for  him  for  reasons  he’d  never  understand.  family  dinners  were  never  common  until  gwen  showed  up  in  his  life,  but  he  actually  missed  them.  head  falls,  eyes  wandering  towards  the  ground  before  the  male  is  nodding  a  few  times.  since  the  gesture  is  so  silent,  it’d  be  impossible  for  her  to  read  his  response  unless  she  was  actually  looking  at  him.  this  fact  doesn’t  process  quickly  in  bam’s  mind  because  he  still  remains  silent…  until  she  asks  about  him.  his  motives  are  much  like  everyone  else’s  in  the  sense  that  he’s  running,  escaping  to  somewhere  far,  far  away  for  a  bit  so  he  could  breathe.  oh,  but  guilt  is  a  boa:  it  constricts  until  you’re  struggling  and  gasping  for  air.    ❛    just  wanted  to  get  away  for  a  bit.    ❜    to  avoid  his  father.  to  try  and  run  from  his  mother’s  death,  which  left  her  haunting  him  with  every  step  he  takes.  he  should  have  been  there  and  he  wasn’t.  that’s  on  him.    ❛    and  my  boss  promised  me  a  raise  when  we  got  back,  but  it  doesn’t  really  look  like  that’s  happening.    ❜    his  own  words  beckon  a  light  chuckle,  brows  furrowing  as  he  finally  gives  her  another  glance.  

the mention of her parents turns gwen’s brain back, to the week before she went on the trip. the week her parents were sitting at the dinner table, and her father turned to gwen and said ‘did you hear about mrs dyer?’. for a moment, gwen was sure they were gonna say that bam’s dad had KILLED HER. morbid, but gwen heard, from bam, what the man was like. in a way, maybe he did kill her, but either way, she was dead. gwen had sprinted out of the house, rounding the corner, to bam’s house, even though it had been MONTHS since she’d seen him, let alone spoken to him. but she hadn’t gone inside. she hadn’t knocked on his door. she stood there, panting for air. “i’m sorry.” she chokes on the words, her voice wavers. she still doesn’t look at him, but clenches the handsoap bottle tightly that her knuckles go white. she breathes. releases. “about your mum.” gwen clarifies. bam’s mum had always been so nice. so worn down, and sad, but KIND above all else. gwen feels even worse for bringing up her own parents. at least they were still alive ( gwen was SURE they had to be. she’d feel it if they weren’t. ) “ you’re still at the restaurant?” gwen said, after another long, heavy pause between them.

                                  ❛  no comment  ,  i need my lawyer present.  ❜   humor aside  ,  she doesn’t need to provide an answer to that question  —  she’s sure gwen already knows  ,  can already read it plastered across her features  ,  flashing like a bright NEON SIGN  :  god yes.  because she’s watching him  ,  with that same dreamy foolish glint in her eye  ,  and anyone around could see she was drowning in him  ,  deep  :  the only girl in this goddamn town stupid enough to do so. odelia breaths a sigh  ,  managing for a moment to tear her gaze from him to her friend.  ❛  look  ,  i know  ,  everyone in town knows what he’s like.  ❜   an understatement  ,  probably.  bad reputation follows arturo lopez around like a thick smoke does to a destructive blaze  ,  and odelia has heard every possible variation of the bad boy of westham  :  from the antagonism  ,  to the living it up  ,  to all the conquests.  yes  ,  she’s not blind nor death  (  just slightly demented  ,  it seems.  )  gwen has warned her more than once  ,  gwen has tried to tell her to MOVE ON  ,  and sure  ,  sometimes she finds herself pausing whenever she catches ear of another person recall their great nights with arturo  ,  but she can’t bring herself to use it against him  ,  can’t bring herself to use it to hate him like she should  ,  nor can she use it to change how she FEELS  ━  and she agrees with gwen the same way she agrees with faction one  ,  disapproves of the greedy  &  otherwise selfish ones not contributing to the bigger picture.  BUT  ,  there are so many buts when odelia talks of arturo  ,   which  ,  perhaps  ,  is worse that outright defending him.    ❛  but i can’t help it  ━  i try ! but i see him  ,  and he just knows what makes me tick  ,  and maybe  ━  i don’t know.  ❜    that each time it does happens  ,  she’s waiting for a different outcome  :  INSANITY at it’s finest.   ❛  that was the last time  ,  though  ━  i promise  ,  no more arturo.  ❜   a convincing  &  confident nod seals the otherwise unconvincing sentence  ,  but she does try to mean it.  ❛   i’m good ,  g.  things are  .  .  . tough  ,  but i’m keeping busy  ;  it helps.  ❜   keeping busy with what or whom  ,  she will not clarify !  so instead  ,  her features soften in concern.  odelia deals best when her saviour complex kicks in  ,  to mend others while specifically avoiding herself.   ❛   how are you  ,  though ?  i feel like  .  .  .  we haven’t talked much since everything happened  ━  and i want to make sure my girl is doing okay  ,  you know ?  ❜   an adoring smile widens ;  a playful nudge of her shoulder that reads  :  you can talk to me  ,  if you need to.  

gwen snorts a small laugh, shaking her head at her friend. she glances back at odelia, even though she’s still too FASCINATED by the literal scum that is arturo. the amount of times he’s HURT odelia is bordering on NARCISSTIC. gwen has, and always will, pick up the pieces, because odelia is her friend. all giving, and pure, and good. gwen got along with odelia better than she got along with ANYONE. no matter how often they saw each other or not, it was like no time had ever passed at all. so how could someone like arturo lopez take advantage of that? how was  it fair that one of the BEST PEOPLE she knew, got treated like that? gwen clicks her tongue, “please don’t tell me you know him DEEPER than that.” she pleaded. “as much as we wish life was a YOUNG ADULT NOVEL, it isn’t.” she didn’t mean to be a downer, but sometimes bad people were just bad. and arturo was the living definition of that. gwen pulls another face as odelia describes arturo, and how he always drags her in. the entire thing is TOXIC, but can gwen blame her, when she’s just as bad? at least bam isn’t NEARLY on the same level as odelia’s boy is. but, maybe that’s also why gwen lets odelia do it, over and over. because gwen RELATES. even though her and bam have NEVER gone back to each other, or done the tease, and play, which odelia and arturo do. but emotionally, they may as well. “no more arturo.” she agreed.  “odelia, you’re amazing. honestly. do you have any idea how lucky ANYBODY would be to have a second of your time?” she asked the girl, softly. “— you’d tell me, right? if there was something more to it?” it worries gwen. gwen is and always has been a worrier. but, still. is there something darker, and deeper, which odelia is yet to reveal? “i’m glad to hear that. i’m hoping i’ll just... a d j u s t as well, you know? every day i wake up, and everything still feels exactly how it did when we first stepped off the buses. i feel.. like i’m the only one not adjusting, or moving forward yet.” gwen admits, surprised by her own honesty. she shakes her head, this time at herself. “sorry. blah. what a rant.” she laughed, eyes falling to her feet. “and i’m always here for YOU. that’s what friends are for. i’m sorry i’ve been MIA. i promise, i wasn’t trying to shut you out. or anyone.”  but she did. gwen did it well. shutting people out, closing herself off. right here, right now, was the most open gwen had probably been in YEARS. gwen was used to being the one being the shoulder to lean on. it was almost a RELIEF to be able to switch positions for once. “what do you do around here, anyways? i was doing medical inventory, but even that’s hard. how did anybody live back in the 50s, or whatever? without our phones, internet and stuff?” 

          upon  initially  arriving  in  this  new  version  of  west  ham,  bam  hadn’t  seen  gwen.  he  was  oblivious  to  the  fact  she  was  even  there  until  the  first  town  meeting.  did  he  say  anything?  of  course  not.  the  boy  can’t  even  remember  if  they’d  made  eye  contact  at  all,  but  he’s  certain  she’s  definitely  heard  about  his  presence.  people  liked  to  talk  around  new  ham,  but  that  wasn’t  exactly  surprising.  seeing  her  in  the  same  store  was  like  getting  stabbed  in  the  chest  ––  right  in  his  heart.  it  hurt  more  than  anything  to  have  just  silence  between  the  two  of  them,  but  again,  bam  understood.  when  she  speaks,  though,  it’s  as  if  that  same  shattered  heart  dares  to  skip  a  beat.    ❛    thanks.    ❜    was  it  rude  to  give  her  one  word?  after  all  they’d  been  through?  there’s  another  moment  of  awkward  silence,  but  then  he  decides  to  clear  his  throat  quietly.    ❛    i,  uh…  i  hope  you’re  doing  okay,  by  the  way.    ❜

S T R A N G E R S. that’s what it feels like. there’s so much weight between them, so much left unsaid. gwen wishes they’d gotten it all out there, long ago. then maybe they could try that friends thing, that people somehow manage with their exes. but, then again, she can’t ever imagine looking at bam and feeling ANYTHING but HURT. his hopefulness for her is kind. it makes a brief smile flicker on her face. she can’t look at him, so she doesn’t. she pretends to be immersed in a bottle of hand soap she’s holding, as she shrugs. “ . . . i know it’s really childish to say, but i miss my parents A LOT.” gwen says, honestly. there’s so much more she could say here. where did they go? wherever they are, are they happy? WHY did they leave? will they come back for her?. instead, she chances a glance at bam. he looks less bruised and banged up then she remembers. there was a time when he was more bruise then boy. gwen closes her eyes briefly, trying not to think too much of the past, or the present. she needs a happy inbetween, but how, and where is that? “— what were you doing on the trip? i didn’t take you for a cub camp kinda guy.” she asks curiously, making the small talk she can, before she can hopefully LEAVE and not seem rude.

the very last person gwen was trying to see was BAM DYER. she’d done a pretty good job so far, but now she’s alone in one of the smaller convenience stores ( mainly because she’d hoped not to bump into anyone), and who should walk in? OF COURSE it’s him. the store is too small, and glaringly empty for gwen to not say anything. she’s keenly aware that he’s here now, as she picks up boxes of bandage - stocking up before somebody comes and RAIDS the place. she opens her mouth, then closes it again. one time in her life, she could’ve told bam anything. she could laugh, cry, yell, beg... anything, and everything. and now, it’s like they’re strangers again. she chances a glance at him. her heart still beats the same as it always has for him. hurts. SAY SOMETHING. “— there’s a few tubes of antiseptic creams left. in aisle 3, if you want them.” god. what a fucking stupid thing to say. gwen looks away again. 

“CHANDLER !” gwen calls it out, as if she hasn’t seen her friend in YEARS, as opposed to maybe a day. honestly, with everything going on, it FEELS like years. it feels like suddenly everybody has aged, and been forced to grow up. or s o m e of them have, whilst others have taken ADVANTAGE. gwen is standing from where she had been sitting at the cafeteria, staring at the meatloaf SOMEBODY had decided to cook in batches for everyone. right now, everything is too messy and disorganised. chaotic. gwen can’t keep up or decide what to do. her mind runs and runs, and threatens to panic. she’s glad to see a friendly face. gwen is hugging chandler, tightly. “sorry.” she murmurs, pulling away, and offering a small smile. “... i know this is our home, and these are people we know... but at the same time... this DOESN’T feel like our home, and i feel like i don’t know anyone anymore.” she admits. “you hungry for some... cold meatloaf?” gwen offers.