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Let me preface this with this is entirely a me issue and not a Josh issue. This is not big picture - it’s small picture. In no way do I wish he didn’t come out. 

I have been really struggling with Josh’s post. I hate that I’m even saying that. Let me explain. I am absolutely not anti lgbtq+. Let’s say, if my best friend or Danny came out I’d be shouting praise from the rooftops. This has more to do with being diehard Josh lane. Please understand that I HATE that I feel this way. I am being open and vulnerable in hopes that I can receive some helpful guidance. I don’t know where else to turn.  Truly. 

My heart fell to my stomach. It feels like my depression and anxiety are taking root again. I haven’t eaten since because I am sad. It’s like when you receive shocking news and it knocks your world off kilter. My heart hurts. I’ve never once thought I could pull him (don’t even live close enough to ever meet the guy!) but when I was fantasizing over him it just felt different when I imagined he would be interested in female genitalia. Now I can’t stop thinking about how he’s been giving head for 8 years. I don’t mean to sound vulgar - I’m really just trying to be clear and concise. It almost feels like I’m going through a breakup of sorts? Not necessarily with the band, but with my fantasies and original understanding of Josh? Why do I feel this way? I hate it! 

I can’t help but wonder if the majority of the super positive posts I read are from Jake/Sam/Danny lane? Are there really no other Josh laners that feel a little stung by this? Not angry with Josh, by any means, but hurt because change can be challenging. Can we be honest about this? It’s not hate - it’s real vulnerable feelings, even if we don’t like that we’re having them. I feel like irl we would be disappointed to find out someone we crush isn’t interested in us, no?

I was feeling and very much alone when I came across this fandom. I found happiness and fun here and i was really uplifted. It’s been my safe space for a while. I loved reading the Josh fics and now everyone is going to either take them down or stop writing them. 

I really don’t want to feel this way. Like, really! No one enjoys being upset. Will time help? I’m terrified that time won’t help. I haven’t listened to a song. I can’t look at pictures and I know that’s my trauma response. When an instagram story about him comes up I get anxious and nauseated from the anxiety. I can hardly focus.