Real Men Don't Wear Pants

by NastyPigKeith (nastypigkeith.tumblr.com)

As an obsessively insatiable porn fanatic who has spent more time–thousands upon thousands of hours–watching people fuck on camera than doing literally anything else, I’ve developed a keen sense of the kinds of incompetencies that all-too-often turn potentially great porn into disappointingly bad porn. Here’s my all-time top-twenty list of porn peeves, mostly in no particular order:

Arm blocks This porn sin is an excellent indicator that you’re watching bad actors being filmed by a bad director. Look, this isn’t some trick you’re fucking just for fun. This is your work/art and you’re performing for the camera. Be mindful of where you’re putting your arms (or legs, if you’re the bottom). Your audience is watching the penetration. Do not block the damn shot!

Cumshots that miss the target Porn actors need to learn about gravity. Point your dick down at the guy’s mouth to shoot your load–don’t try to shoot up into it. And just generally speaking, work on your aim. It’s really disappointing when you cum all over the place except on the hole. This is one of the reasons I love Brad McGuire as a top–his mouth-watering cumshots always squarely hit the bulls-eye.

Bad lighting I really do love Treasure Island Media, but they’re one of the biggest offenders here. Why do so many of their videos look like they were lit by an Itty Bitty Book Light? Invest in some studio lights and use them! This isn’t a romantic interlude and it isn’t the time for mood lighting, nor does your dungeon scene have to evoke an actual dungeon. We want to be able to see the individual goosebumps on the bottom’s balls in stunning, glorious, full-color, well-lit HD.

Bad editing Bad editing happens way too much in so-called professional porn. Did someone just take a big cum-blast to the face, and the next moment he’s clean and dry? Bad editing. Can’t tell who’s topping who anymore? Bad editing. Could you get a mortgage loan decision in less time than this guy is taking to stroke out his load? Bad editing. Did the scene cut away to the shooter’s face just as he started firing jizz into a hot mouth? Bad. Fucking. Editing!

Porn actors who don’t do porn Listen, if you’re gonna be a porn actor, be a porn actor. If you don’t want to suck cock or get fucked, go do something else for a living. Every single porn actor should do scenes where they get fucked up the ass, deep throat cocks, take facials, and eat cum. It should be mandatory. You’re not cool with getting spermed in the mouth? Here, hold the light while we film someone who is.

Lying to us with closeups Porn studios take note: viewers are looking intently at your actors’ bodies. We notice the size and shape of the guy’s hands and feet, the quirky curve of his cock head, the color and thickness of his treasure trail, his shoulder tattoo, his outtie belly button, his appendectomy scar…and we fucking notice when any of that changes during the closeup! Don’t cut in footage of some other actor’s cumshot or ass getting seeded. We notice, and then we don’t trust you anymore. We need to trust that the actor in the closeup is the same actor as in the long shots.

Implied penetration I’m not interested in seeing the back of guy’s head bobbing between another guy’s legs, or his cock sliding between the guy’s ass cheeks, or their hips grinding together. I want to see penetration. Show me the mouth wrapping around the dick, the flared lips sliding up and down the shaft, the bulge of the engorged head hitting the inside of the cheek. Show me the cock forcing its way past the rosebud, the skin around the sphincter dragging along the shaft on the out stroke, the momentary gape when the head pops back out again followed by a oozing backwash of fresh sperm. That’s what I’m paying to see, not some lame-ass soft-core shit where you can’t even tell if the top is actually hard.

Shallow penetration This is implied penetration’s bastard cousin. Here’s my rule: cocksucking means the entire cock head is fully inserted into the mouth with the lips firmly closed around the shaft. Anything less is cock licking, cock kissing, or cock teasing, and I’m not paying to see that lame shit. Similarly, fucking doesn’t happen until the cock is inserted at least halfway down the shaft and it doesn’t get good until there’s less than an inch and a half of cock still on the sunny side of the sphincter.

Faceless fucking I can’t get into watching a massive cock split a guy’s ass wide open if I have no idea whose cock it is and whose ass it is. Always give us good clear shots of the actor’s faces to establish them before the action starts. Then keep re-establishing who they are with long shots that include faces and action together (see lying to us with closeups, above). In fact, the moments that make my soul smile are the ones where we have a great view of the swollen cock sliding in and out of the bottom’s quivering hole and an equally great view of the deep satisfaction written all over his face at the same time.

Face closeups OK, OK…it’s hard to get the face time just right, I’ll grant you that. But once you’ve established who’s who and whose dick and whose ass we’re watching, don’t pan the camera off the action to show us a closeup of the top’s face. Show us faces in full-body long shots that also show the penetration.

Robotic sex There’s not much fun in watching the piston of an ice-cold unemotional fuck machine. Whether it’s the result of actors who are just there to collect a paycheck or garden variety bad chemistry (which is the director’s fault), robotic sex makes for bad porn. The fucking should be joyful. The actors should be having genuine fun and not look like they’re enduing a 2-hour lecture on the migratory patterns of Mediterranean fruit bats. Two actors who are always truly happy to be buttering their nooks and crannies are Austin Wilde and Noel from Sean Cody. Learn from them!

Saving the cumshots for the end I like spermy sex. There’s no reason the jizz can’t fly a few times throughout the scene–especially if it’s a gang fuck or orgy. Packing all the cumshots into the last 2 minutes of the scene like some goddamn grand finale fireworks show does a huge injustice to the beauty and the intimacy of men swapping seed.

Bad camera work Porn photography needs to be done by professional camera operators under the direction of a talented director. Handing a camcorder to one of the actors who already shot his load doesn’t cut it. That’s how we get jitter, motion blur, inscrutable camera angles, backlit silhouettes, out-of-frame penetration, panning away from cumshots, and so forth and so on. In one notoriously bad example (again from my beloved Treasure Island Media, god bless them) the camera operator literally trips and falls over while filming and that perspective ends up in the final cut. Art.

Bad cameras If the clicking sound of your consumer-grade camera constantly adjusting its auto-focus is your primary soundtrack, you’re not a porn producer. You’re an asshole with a cheap camera. Just stop.

Boring scenes If the same guy has been sucking the same cock in the same position for more than a minute, or if I can skip ahead 5 minutes and still see the exact same closeup of the exact same action from the exact same angle, you’re just not creative enough to be in the entertainment business at all, much less porn. Shake it up! Change angles! Change positions! Change tops! And for fuck’s sake, please figure out that front views are way more fun to watch than rear views!

Post production The solution to boring scenes or bad direction in general is not to use whiz-bang post-production effects. Split screens and picture-in-picture overlays just make your bad porn twice as boring in half the time. And you don’t make art by cutting scenes with artsy transitions–you make art by showing us exquisite sucking, fucking, and cum-flinging done with wild abandon but captured with a meticulous effort that only looks effortless.

Acting Porn actors aren’t really actors. Don’t make them try to act. No one wants to see that. We don’t need a backstory, a narrative, or a contrived scenario. We just want to see them go at it.

Bad sound Why is the volume of porn always at least 100 decibels louder than anything else I ever play on my computer or TV? Why can I turn the slider down until it’s 1 nano-pico-micron above zero and still have to worry that the neighbors across the street can hear it? Why do directors make their actors yell and scream and swear when they cum? Who the fuck does that in real life? And don’t even get me started on the porn equivalent of the laugh track: the moan track. Ugh. No. What I want to hear is the natural, sincere, spontaneous moans and exclamations of men in the throes of ecstasy–at a reasonable volume. Why is that so goddamn hard to get?

Wasted cum The whole fucking point of sex is to move sperm out of one person’s body and into another person’s body. Barebacking ends with seeding, always. It could be a feeding or it could be a breeding, but cum should be entering a warm wet hole. Shoot it in, fuck it in, or push it in with your fingers, but get it in there. Finishing a hot raw fuck with a load on the back, chest, ass cheeks, or the top’s own body is just an insult to everyone watching.

And that brings us to my #1 porn peeve…

Condoms Worst. Porn. Sin. Of. All. The moment I see a condom in porn, I shut it off. Ruined! I do not want to see guys getting their rectums rubbed with latex–I want to see direct contact with warm cock flesh. Cum must be freely and joyfully swapped with wild abandon. Condoms are literally a barrier to intimacy. These aren’t strangers who just met on the street–they’re professional porn actors. Get them tested. Get them on PrEP. Know their sero-status and sero-sort them. There are other ways to protect their health that don’t completely negate the very point of sex and porn in the first damn place.

So those are my biggest porn peeves. What are yours? Reblog and tell us in the comments!