tired with college

For a precious moment, your collarbone cradles my face once more

My longing swells up, intertwines with fondness for what was

I know one day no smell will remind me of you anymore, so I hold the feeling a little tighter between my fingers now,

Bisected, its insides facing the eye

And tried to write the things I liked about you

But what could I say that you didn’t already know?

In those two months, I feel that the only thing I learned of you

I know it isn’t just this misunderstanding,

Know really I’ve been angry at you all along for your past transgressions.

It’s all my body knows to protect me,

The hot wash of rage when you threaten to demand more of me than I can give;

Beneath it I curl into myself exhausted,

Wishing things had unfolded differently,

and because of this I feel vaguely upset.

But then I listen to the song that makes me think of you,

The one from over the summer when I was untroubled,

and suddenly I’m weeping.

I still don’t know whether you really want me, or even if the way I want you can be enough.

Were those three weeks real?

Watched the flame take, that senseless, hungry creature,

Let it incinerate every piece of this me I had built beside you.

I witnessed my ashes drift away on the breeze;

Overwrote blue nostalgia

With feelings of right

Watching my best friend napping

past nightfall, the sky light pink

a lone streetlamp shines

head bowed, hands in my pockets

my chest flowers bloom to wilt

fondness laid to rest

starry-eyed disillusion

The closer we become, the more clearly I can make out how he’s wasting away before me

He survives off caffeine and one meal a day

He has chronic pain that’s been getting worse

He’s sad more often now, and it drapes over his days and our conversations

I don’t think he has anyone to talk to besides me

I have never felt so powerless before