Random Postings from GT

Back in November 2014 to January 2015, I was working at a place called Innotrac as a seasonal customer service representative.  It’s a call center.  I was paid $8.50 an hour and worked for about 9 weeks.  During this time, my mom said I owed her $547 and some change for rent.  So I paid her $550 a month.

Fast forward to February 2016.  I get my current job and figured the $550 agreement was still in effect.  To be nice, I opted to pay $600 a month in rent instead.  Then my mom upped it to $650 in July, and now $675 in December.  That’s $125 MORE Than what she quoted me in November 2014.

You can argue inflation, but prices have not gone up no 25%.  In fact, the $50 hike I got in July due to my car insurance should have been more than covered by the $50 extra I was paying per month.  If anything, I should only be paying $625 a month right now!  Worst case, I should still be at $650.

I did the math on what I could afford in rent.  My budget is $600-650 a month.  She’s now overcharging me based upon what I earn per month.  I can buy a house and pay $500 a month with a 10 YEAR MORTGAGE

My mom’s complaining I’m not paying her enough.  She’s now bitching that when she threw my dad and me out in 2013 that I owed her the money back that she spent on where I was living.  Um, what?  That was my DAD’s money.  Not hers.  If she’s really bitching about that, then she should have equated that into the equation the FIRST time she quoted me her shitty rent price.

I know I said it before, but what the fuck does she want?  My entire goddamn paycheck?  I make anywhere from $1700-2000 a month depending but I very much doubt even if I gave her the entire goddamn thing resulting in my student loans going into default and collections chasing me for my other debt, that still won’t appease her.

And she’s really violent.  She destroyed my dad’s laptop computer in November.  She then destroyed his smartphone this month.  How long before she attacks someone?  But people don’t give a damn.  Guess she has to kill one of us (or all three of us) before someone suddenly realizes there’s an issue.

To add further to my irritation, now my sister is throwing her hand in.  My mom told me my sister was calling me a leech so my mom started to call me a leech.  I write my sister on Facebook to tell her to go to hell (putting it mildly) which resulted in her calling my mom to bitch which caused my mom to bitch back at me.  So my SISTER started that one but I got nailed twice for it.

I’m currently sorting out my budget to figure out what I can afford.  I want to buy some land and build a house.  Figured my land budget would be around $10,000 and house would be $40,000.  Hoping to keep the land under $5,000 to according for having to install water, electric, septic, etc on the property and prepare it for the house.  Then I’d rather keep the house under $30,000.  Figured all I really need is a 3 bedroom, 1 bedroom house with a kitchen with maybe a bar to sit down at to eat.  Living room is unnecessary so can be tiny.  Not like I entertain people anyway.  Been looking at shipping container homes.  Figured the bedrooms only have to be large enough for a bed, computer desk, dresser, and a bookshelf or two.  Bathroom doesn’t have to be fancy.  Just need a sink, toilet, and either a shower or shower/tub combo.  Only other expense would be the exterior since I’d need a 6ft tall fence due to my dog.  Figured $5,000 for that shouldn’t be too bad.  The land I’m looking at is half an acre or better which would give me the ability to expand later if needed.  Looking at a shipping container home, but my issue is I’m not sure I can even build one in Pueblo.  I can’t live in a trailer because my dog takes out the skirt within minutes.  I’d look at a foreclosure for like $10k-20k or bid on an auction but chances are I’d lose to real estate flippers.  I’d also likely have to do renovations that aren’t paint and new flooring which I have no knowledge of.

But you know my main issue with buying a house?  Many lenders require you have 2 years in your job.  I will have 1 year in February.  So I’m stuck renting which means instead of paying maybe $400 max a month for a mortgage, I have to pay $600-800 a month in rent to someone who could very well say I can’t keep my dog.  That means I have absolutely no money left over to save up to buy a house.  I did my budget.  I know how much I can save up in my own house.  A rental blows it to pieces.  So I’m fucked either way.

But hey, it doesn’t goddamn matter when I got kicked out again.  So I’m homeless.  Considering I wrote this last week, I’m already out on the street.

In September, I started dating a guy.  By November, he decided I was disrespecting him and he started to accuse me of random crap so we broke up.  Come to find out he’s bipolar.  I have my mother who is Ms. Bitchy Bipolar already who yells at me and accuses me of random crap DAILY.  You honestly thing I want a second bipolar in my life?

My mother has been in super Ms. Bitch mode the last few months.  Back in November, she ended up in the hospital.  She wasn’t even there a week before they let her out.  She was fine for maybe 2 weeks before she became Ms. Bitch again.  Now she’s back to yelling at us for random crap.  On top of that, she’s become destructive.  She destroyed my dad’s laptop.  She’s drinking to the point of getting drunk ... and she’s a mean drunk.  She’s overdosing on some of her pills.  It’s a matter of time before she hurts someone else.

One of my mother’s complaints is that she has to support her 2 kids (my brother and me).  WTF?  Since I’ve been hired at my current job in February, I went from paying her $600 a month to $650 a month to now $675 a month.  That’s more than my dad makes in a month with his part time minimum wage job.  WTF does she want?  My entire fucking paycheck?  At the rate she’s increasing the “rent” on me, it’s going to end up that way.

On top of that, she was talking about taking out a credit card in my name to help pay off things around the house.  WTF?  Where the hell is the money going?  We lived for years without the money I’ve been bringing in and now all of a sudden we can’t survive?  This is getting ridiculous.  What the fuck is she going to do when I finally move out?  She’s not going to have that extra $675 a month.  She probably won’t even have the extra money my brother brings in which is something like $100 from his job and then whatever he brings in from his SSDI which I think is like $700-800 because he’d come with me to escape this crap.

Then with my job, I’m getting frustrated.  Last month, I nearly walked out of my job on 3 separate occasions.  I broke down crying one day out of frustration.  One asshole near my work is getting pissed at people parking in “his” parking lot to go to court so is charging $30 a month to park there.  No one who goes to court once a month or maybe even twice is going to pay that fucker $30.  I work 3-4 days a week, one day being a Saturday and the courts are closed, and I’m certainly not paying that asshole $30.  That results in me having to walk from my office to the courthouse every single day in all kinds of weather.  The walk is something like a quarter of a mile back and fourth (little over a tenth one way).  Not something major, but when you do it multiple times a day, you have deadlines to meet so you can’t putz around taking your time, it’s getting cold, and you can’t wear tennis shoes because you’re going to court, it gets frustrating. On a good day, I make the trip once.  On a busy day, I might make it 4-6 times.

With my boyfriend breaking up with me and my mother being back in Ms. Bitchy mode, now she’s accusing me for being the reason why we broke up.  I knew it’d happen.  No matter what I say, it won’t matter.  She doesn’t fucking given a damn.  She sees and hears what she wants.  Why the fuck would I want two goddamn bipolars in my life?  She’s proving right now the exact reason why I don’t want another one in my life.

With all of this crap, I’m looking at buying a piece of land and building a small house on it just to get the hell away from this bullshit.  But if I can’t keep my job out of frustration, like that’ll do me any good.  It doesn’t help that I have something like $4300 in debt between my car and two computers I financed and my student loans.  If my mom takes out that credit card in my name, I could very well be on the line for $5000-6000 ON TOP OF my student loans.  Not like she’s going to help me pay for it.  HALF of my student loans (something like $35,000!) are because of my parents.  I gave them half or better of each of my loans.  You think they’re helping me pay that back?  Nope.  And my mother bitches I don’t pay HER enough.  WTF?  She doesn’t pay ME!  She doesn’t even adjust her shitty rent to compensate for the amount she owes ME.  My student loans could have been closer to $20,000-25,000 by the time I graduated if I took out what I NEEDED instead of what she WANTED.  But instead I’m on the hook for nearly $70,000 FUCKING DOLLARS because of HER!  I’m not going to get any fucking help paying back a dime of that and yet she bitches constantly I don’t pay her enough.  Two of my loans already has something like $6000 of interest that has accumulated because I can’t afford to pay the damn things. One loan started off at around $10,000 and is now closer to $14,000.  The other was around $7,500 and is now nearly $10,000.  I did the math.  I’ll have at least another $3,000 of interest in top of that between all of my loans (not just the two highest ones) this time next year.  The interest keeps going up and because I can’t put a goddamn cent toward trying to lower it by throwing REGULAR extra payments at it, it’s just going to keep going up. I’d throw my income tax at it, but thanks to the fact that I have no health care because Medicaid said I made too much and dropped me like a rock and Obamacare with the shitty penalty, I have to pay that piece of shit tax penalty.  That could very well eat up half or better of my return.  Throwing maybe $300-500 at $6000 of interest on a nearly $70000 loan isn’t going to do a damn thing.  It’ll just be right back to the same amount inside 3-6 months and go back up after that.

With my boyfriend breaking up with me and screwing me out of a cruise in January, I decided to do Las Vegas in January.  Figured I could do it for around $1000-1200.  My mom is now bitching because she’s not going.  I’m not going on a vacation with her, especially when she’s in Ms. Bitch mode.  I’d never be able to enjoy myself.

What makes this whole situation suck even more is that it’s nearly impossible to get anything to eat when my mother is in Ms. Bitch mode.  The way our house is setup, she sits where she can see the entire living room and the kitchen.  The stairs to the basement where my and my brother’s rooms are is right off the kitchen.  We go upstairs to get anything to eat and she can see us and yells at us.  If we want something to eat, we either have to wait until we think she’s in the bathroom taking a shower or she’s out of the house.  Since neither is an every day thing, that can mean we go a day or two without eating.  I’m hypoglycemic.  I get dizzy if my blood sugar gets low.  Does my mom care?  No.  She’d rather I starve because “I’m not paying her enough.”  So if I collapse and bang my head against something, she’s likely to just leave me to die.  Since I have no health insurance, not like I could afford the care anyway.  I’d be the family pet that gets ill but can be treated with a really expensive treatment.  Rather than pay it, the family just puts the pet down instead.  I can’t even go out to fucking eat because my mom is situated where she can see both front and back doors.  She’d start yelling as soon as I came up by the backdoor.  I don’t even have money to go out to eat anyway because I’m either paying her or I’m trying to pay off my debts.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Nothing I do means anything.  Finding a job that wasn’t minimum wage wasn’t enough for my mother.  She bitches I should be making twice as much.  Paying my mother $600 wasn’t enough.  She had to up it to $650 and then $675 (because of my car).  I’m effectively paying the mortgage on our house!  And I’m not even on it!  Getting my own car wasn’t enough.  My mother bitches because the other cars we have are breaking down.  NOTHING is EVER enough for her.  If we lived in a goddamn mansion in the most expensive place in the world and had billion dollar jobs, she’s STILL find something to bitch about!  Of course I’m sure people are saying that I should just be pleasing myself.  I hear that enough from my coworkers.  Rather hard when every goddamn day I get yelled at for something stupid.  Rather hard to please myself when I have that. It’d be one thing if I lived on my own but I don’t have that luxury.

In September I was set up on a date with a guy who works the opposite shift I do but the same days.  We went out effectively weekly until November 8th when he had a fit and broke up with me.  He revealed to me in October he was bipolar much like my mother who’s been having fit upon fit.  Seems every 5 minutes, something’s setting her off.  My now ex-boyfriend seemed fine on November 7th when we went out to breakfast but instead of going out to see Doctor Strange with me (I was paying), he said he was too tired.  I go to the movie with my brother instead only to get out to find my ex-boyfriend had spent the last 2 hours playing with his computer speakers.  So he would rather play with his computer than go to a movie with me.  Then Tuesday comes and he gets really bitchy over random topics, says I’m disrespecting him, and breaks up with me.  So he effectively proved to me he’s as bad of a bipolar as my mother.

Reason why I brought that up is because I was going to go on a cruise in January with my ex-boyfriend but that fell through.  So now I’m trying to plan a trip for me and my brother instead.  Before, I could spend $1000-1500 and my ex-boyfriend could have spent the same giving us a decent trip around $2000-3000.  I can’t do that with my brother who makes maybe $50 every two weeks.  So I have to plan the entire trip around my own budget which is roughly $1500.  It’s harder than it looks.

I looked at a variety of cruises that fell in my time frame that I now have off which is January 15th-24th.  While I found a number that are under $400 for an interior room, that’s PER PERSON.  So that quickly hits $800.  Cheapest I found was just under $200 per person.  Still $400 for two.  Then I discovered various other costs like on shore excursions ($30-$150 per person for each excursion), specialty dining  ($20+ per person per night), drink passes ($5-15 per drink), tips ($10-20 per person per night), spa passes ($100+ per couple), AND the port taxes which is often 10-50% of your cruise tickets!  Then you have to include flight which can be anywhere from $50 per person up to $500. Then you have to include baggage which can be $30-60 per bag.  Then you have to include travel from the airport to the dock.  Or if you drive, you have to account for gas instead.  So that $200 cruise might suddenly be $800 per person!

Don’t believe people when they say you can get a cruise for like $499 per person.  That’s a load of bullshit because they’re ignoring the port fees, taxes, tips, activities on the ship, on shore excursions, flight, baggage fees, and the trip to and from the airport.  Unless you live in a port city (which most of us don’t), you’re not going to get a cruise for anywhere near the price quoted.  Even if you ignore everything you have to pay for on the ship, don’t do any on shore excursions, and happen to either live in a port city or near one and/or have a friend that can drive you to the docks, you’re still looking at like $499 for the cruise, $200 (or better) for the taxes, and another $50-$100+ for tips.  If you have to buy airfare or drove, add another $50-800.  That’s still $800+ PER PERSON.

I gave up finding a cruise in January so looking at one later in the year or in 2018.  Cheapest one is still just under $1500 for two and is a year away.  I was looking at European and Asian cruises ... only to find while the cruise ticket might be under $400 per person, the airfare is easily $2000!  So that’s out of the question.

Since the cruise is now out of the question until this time next year at the earliest, I’m now stuck with nothing to do during my vacation in January.  Read New Orleans was a good choice in January and could be done under $1000.  ...  Yeah, for one person maybe and if you don’t rent a car and don’t see any of the sites that aren’t free.  Not happening.  Was thinking Orlando and do Universal and Disney World.  Yeah ... that ended up rivaling a European cruise so nope.  Was considering freezing my ass off in Chicago but most of what I want to do is closed in January and not sure I want to drive in an unfamiliar city in the snow.  While I’ve been to Chicago many times over the years, it was all before I was 12 so I don’t remember it much.  While I have relatives I can stay with there to cut the hotel out of the picture and potentially even a rental car if they drive me around, the fact that many things are closed or limited still makes it not worthwhile.  My next thought was just going to Denver but I have the same issue as Chicago.  Every article I find on how to have a vacation for under $1000 is severely outdated or assume you’re flying out of Chicago, New York, or Los Angeles because the numbers I get are drastically different.  Nearest major hub to me is Denver.  Colorado Springs and Pueblo have smaller airports.  Either way, flights are easily twice what I find in any cheap vacation guide.  Having a budget vacation when you don’t live next to a major airport hub is frustratingly impossible.

Maybe I would have been fine if I had enrolled in the insurance plan when I first started, but I wasn’t sure I’d be in that job a few months later.  Now that I’m still with it, I decided to look at enrolling, but God damn is it expensive.  The cheapest plan is just under $250 a MONTH and doesn’t even include vision or dental which is another $30 extra.  So I’m looking at almost $300 a month for health insurance.  WTF?!  I can’t afford that.  When I started my job maybe, but I didn’t budget for that.

Since I started my job, I went from paying my mother $600 a month in rent (in February) to $650 a month in rent (in July).  I bought my first car ($50 a month), making payments on my student loans ($175 a month), and am financing two new computers for my brother and me ($500 a month).  My mom also wants me to take my dog to a dog trainer which is $500 at the MINIMUM (which she won’t help me pay for since it’s my dog despite her being the one to bitch about it)!  Between everything I have to pay, that’s $1375 a month.  I only get $1700 a month.  To pay $300 a month for health insurance would leave me roughly $25 a month to get gas in my car, buy things like shampoo, snacks, pay for World of Warcraft (I have 3 accounts), and take my brother to the movies.  I can’t afford it.

I’m one of those people that might go to the doctor once every few years.  I don’t get sick very often or when I do it’s nothing a doctor needs to see.  I’m not accident prone.  I’ve never had a broken bone or stitches.  Only thing I need on a regular basis is to get my eyes checked although even that I do like every 3-5 years.  So my total cost for a visit to the doctor might be $20 a year ... if that since some years I don’t see a doctor at all.  So why should I pay $300 a MONTH in insurance when I don’t go to see the doctor every 5 minutes.  Maybe it’d be different if I were pregnant or had a baby, but I don’t.  Even if I did, my health insurance would be $1500 a month instead!  If I can’t afford $300 a month, I sure as hell can’t afford $1500!

When I was initially budgeting for health insurance, I figured that if my insurance started in September and that’s when I started paying, I’d be fine.  But I have to make a FULL payment at the end of this month and coverage starts next month.  I didn’t account for that which puts me in the read next month as result.  I’m one of those people who budgets out months in advance so I’m well aware of when I can splurge a little and for how much.  Sure, I might have $500 in my account, but 6 months later, I might hit $50 for whatever reason (more than likely an extra expense popped up somewhere or I put extra money toward a debt to pay it off sooner).  So despite seeing $500 in my account right now, I really have less than $50 I can play with.

What the hell am I even paying for with the insurance anyway?  Am I putting it into some kind of fund to be saved for later when I do need it?  Then why don’t I get any of that money back later?  What about those who never need it?  They pay for nothing ... or do they pay for others who hit their deductible and now have the insurance company paying for it?  Honestly, I’d rather save up my money and pay for things I need out of pocket than pay a company insurance that would result in my care being more expensive than it should have been.  If I go to the eye doctor and pay $300 for the eye exam and glasses, then why they hell should I pay $300 a MONTH for health insurance that won’t even cover the entire eye exam and glasses?  I’m getting double screwed because I have to pay for part of the eye exam myself ON TOP OF the $300 to the piece of shit insurance company.  Suddenly my eye glasses went from $300 to something closer to $400.  It’d be one thing if I could get the vision insurance separate from the main insurance package, but I can’t even do that.  If my total health care costs in a year is less than what I’d pay in health insurance, then there’s no Goddamn reason why I should be paying health insurance.  And there’s no reason I should be penalized for it.

Health insurance via the Obamacare system would result in unnecessary financial difficulty upon me.  That $300 I could put into savings (which I can barely do as it is right now) or put toward paying off my debts rather than being put toward something I might use 2-3 times in a DECADE.  The Obamacare system was nice in THEORY but the implementation was bullshit.  It penalizes those of us rather unfairly who never or rarely need to go to the doctor.

For the last few months (and I’m talking since like January), my family has been dealing with loss of internet.  It wasn’t so bad initially.  We’d lost the internet for a minute or so at roughly 7:30 PM MST every night but we’d be back up and running fine afterward.  Now, we lose the internet randomly throughout the day.  Sometimes it might last a few seconds, sometimes it lasts for nearly a minute.  While before we could predict when it’d go down, now we don’t know.  It might go down once at 3 pm one day but the next it’ll go down 20 times between 10 am and noon.

We’ve called Comcast and got a tech person out here to look at the lines but they have found nothing (supposedly).  We were told to text the tech every time our internet went out but because it goes out for less than a minute, they can’t do anything.  To compensate for our problems, they gave us free Showtime for 3 months.  That doesn’t fix our issue.  My mother won’t let them into the house to check the lines because she doesn’t want a $50 bill on an already absurdly high bill.  So we’re stuck as a result.  We thought maybe it was the modem  (which we own) only to be told by the modem manufacturer that it was fine.  While it’s a DOCSIS 2.0 modem which is being phased out, the manufacturer said there should be no issues.  We tried moving it to another location which didn’t help any.  My mother’s computer is plugged directly to the modem.  My brother and I go through a router.  My tablet and our netbook is wifi.  When one goes down, we all do.

It’s becoming very irritating to be paying for a service that doesn’t work properly.  Our bill is like $130 a month for cable and internet.  While the cable works fine, the internet is crap.  It gets really frustrating to be playing World of Warcraft only for the internet to cut out while on a raid boss or in a dungeon or while questing.  I have 3 World of Warcraft accounts.  I pay almost $50 a month to play that game.  To say I’m getting pissed is an understatement.

What’s even more frustrating is that I read about others having this issue and it’s often due to a cable outside the home.  Supposedly the tech checked the cables.  I don’t believe him.  He missed something.

We have no idea if our neighbors are having the same issue.  We don’t tend to talk to them.  One of our neighbors stole our cats a few years ago and dropped them off on the other side of town.  While we got one back, we didn’t get the other.  Needless to say, we’re not friends.  Our other neighbor is the cat stealing neighbor’s son.  So again, we’re not friends.  And the grandchildren of that family tend to tease our dogs so we don’t talk to them much.

I’ve never really had major problems with Comcast in the past.  What few issues we had were often resolved quickly enough without major headaches.  But this disconnecting has been going on for over 6 MONTHS with no resolution beyond us getting free Showtime for 3 months.  That doesn’t fix the issue.  Comcast hasn’t done a damn thing to fix the issue and yet we’re STILL paying them for crappy service.  You’d think we’d get a discount on the service until this is resolved.  Paying full price for internet that isn’t working properly isn’t fair.  Not likely we’ll get a refund for the last few months of crappy service and a discount until the issue is resolved.

Only positives about me ... if you can consider them positives, is that I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and long fingers.  Yay?  Suppose you can include me being disease free as a positive for what that’s worth.  Don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, either.

On the other side, I have bucked teeth as well as bad teeth in general, lower jaw that’s smaller than my upper one, more hair than normal due to PCOS, sweat constantly, acne not only on my face but also all over my body, am nearsighted and wear glasses, small breasts (36A or 38AA depending), big feet (I wear size 10 shoes), my hair often becomes greasy inside 24 hours of washing it, I only shower 3 times a week, I don’t tend to shave much besides my legs and arm pits, I suffer from dry skin, I’ve been told I smell, and I’m like 20 lbs heavier than I should be (I’m 140-145 lbs when I should be closer to 120-130 lbs).  I don’t have a waist.  I’m effectively a box.  A pear at best.  I’m like a  36-36-38.  Who the hell wants a box?  On top of that, I’m a 30-year-old virgin who still lives with her parents.  Yep, THAT’s appealing.

Was looking at a picture of myself from my grandfather’s memorial back in April and realized I look fat.  Thought maybe the image was squished making me look that way.  Nope.  It was me.  So if my confidence isn’t shot already, now I’m going to be thinking I look fat on a daily basis.

Sure, I have a full time job where I make like $14 an hour, but not like that’s much to offer.  I’m not looking for a boyfriend anyway.  Last thing I want is someone else to yell at me and tell me I’m useless, lazy, worthless, etc.  I get that enough from my own mother.  All I’m really looking for is a guy to get me pregnant.  I’m not looking for the guy to stick around.  I’m not looking for the guy to pay child support.  Keep finding myself going back to sperm bank websites and mulling over spending $500-1000 each month until I get pregnant ... on top of buying ovulation kits so I time the insemination right.  Tried twice now on Craigslist to find a guy only for that to fail miserably.  Not the best idea to do that anyway.  Craigslist is worthless when it comes to the majority of what it’s used for.  No surprise really.  I had no luck finding a job and no luck finding a guy for sex.  Wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to find a guy roughly my age (25-35) who wants to have unprotected sex 1-3 times a week for anywhere from a month to a year.  Well, it’s harder than it looks.  Considering a good percentage of Pueblo has STIs and 0.01% of the town are clients of my office at any given point (I’m sure 1% or better of this town has been clients at one point or another), I’m walking into dangerous territory.  I’m sure Craigslist is filled with registered sex offenders or should be registered sex offenders if they aren’t bots.  Rather frustrating to go into work and meet women who are even less attractive than me that are pregnant or have kids.  Rather sad that I’d likely have to pay a guy to have sex with me.  Ugh.  If I have to do that, I’d rather just use a sperm bank and avoid the likelihood of getting an STI.  Also avoid the chance of getting a stalker or the guy changing his mind about not being in the kid’s life.

Rather frustrating that I can find a number of ads for sperm donors on the Denver Craigslist site, a few listed for Colorado Springs, but zero listed for Pueblo.  I can’t travel due to my crappy car.  I also can’t host due to living with my parents.  While I have the money for a hotel room, I’d rather not spend it when I can put that money toward other things like a home.  Rather funny and frustrating to see the difference in ads between Denver to Pueblo.  Goes to show Pueblo men are more likely to be prudes while Denver men are more open.  Most of the offers I got from men to get me pregnant were from out of town.  I’m fine with that honestly.  Beats me running into a client which could potentially get me fired.  I just find it frustrating at the same time.  That makes on demand sex much harder to achieve.  If I want a quickie during lunch on the day I’m ovulating but the guy who agreed to impregnate me is up in Denver, I’m SoL.  Shame, too.  I found a guy on Craiglist who seemed to be perfect for me who was willing to be a sperm donor ... except he was in Denver.  That went up in smoke before it went anywhere.

On another note, now that that’s semi settled ... for now although we’ll see if I quit out of frustration due to people insulting me over my personality or something comes up that I’d much rather do, now shifting my sights into another direction.  I’ve been considering children for years and told myself a few years back that if I didn’t have a baby by around 30-35, I’d consider artificial insemination.  Well, I’m not attractive in the slightest and I’m regularly insulted for my personality these days (I’m too quiet, I’m too nice, etc) so a boyfriend is about as likely as world peace in the Middle East.  I had one guy at work flirt with me a bit.  Issue is that he’s married ... and it flopped the next week.  He didn’t even acknowledge what happened the previous week.  Can’t blame the guy.  He was buying a house for his family so had other priorities.  Can’t help but feel the only reason he was flirting with me was due to a brief lapse of judgement.  Or he was just screwing with me, getting my hopes up only to shatter them.  Seems everyone does that to me so no surprise he would, too.  Due to my job change, I likely won’t see him again anyway so that was worthless.  It also wasn’t worth having his wife come after me or have my co-workers hate me for potentially destroying his marriage.  It was for the best.  But that’s par for the course with my shitty life.

The sad part is, the only guys I really meet with my job are criminals and police officers.  My mom said no men with a criminal record and she also said no cops (she’s been arrested twice and doesn’t like them).  So there goes my options.  Been telling myself for years I’d be fine being “the other woman” as long as the wife doesn’t come after me, neither the husband or wife try to kill me, and I don’t get any STIs, but that won’t go over well with my mother.  I also have the issue that I still live at home with my parents.  So not like I can have a free relationship with a guy without having to answer questions every five minutes.  If I want to go out, I get asked where I’m going.  Not like I can evade answering.  My mom’s not above changing the locks on the door to lock me out.  She’s done it ... twice.  Only time I’d be able to go out on dates or whatever would be during the day and only if I had an excuse related to something else like I’m going out shopping.

I’m nearly 31 now and still live with my parents.  Pathetic, right?  What kind of guy would want to touch me with a 10 foot pole let alone want me sexually?  I can’t really move out because my mom won’t let me.  Only way I can move out is if I’m married or she kicks me out ... and she kicked me out once already for about 14 months only for me to move back in.  A part of me wants to get pregnant because that would force one of a few scenarios:

1.) My mom would finally have to acknowledge I’m not as innocent as she thinks and treat me with more respect.

2.) Let me move out on my own without a husband.  Question would be if my mother just kicks me out or lets me move out on my own, though.

3.) Force us to finally build the addition onto the house that my mom’s been talking about for like a decade.

4.) We buy a bigger house.

There’s also the fact that I’m currently a 30-year-old virgin which is incredibly depressing.  Right now, I am the oldest woman on BOTH sides of my family that doesn’t have at least one child.  I’m also the ONLY grandchild (of both sets of my grandparents) that doesn’t have a child myself.  That means I’m the only virgin of all of my first cousins.  That’s just depressing.  My cousin’s eldest daughter and her daughter who was born like 16 years ago are more likely to get married and have a child before me which is (as you can guess) depressing.

The older I get, the more irritated I get that my life’s effectively going no where.  I have no reason to do anything.  I don’t have a boyfriend and not like I’m ever going to get one.  Who wants a bucked tooth beaver who wears glasses, with bad skin, sweats like a pig, slightly overweight, no waist (I’m more like a pear, not the desirable hourglass), and breasts so tiny they don’t even make bras that fit me?  I’m a 36A or a 38AA which you don’t find in store ... or you do very rarely.  I have to resort to sports bras and those are oh so attractive.  (Note the sarcasm.)  I hate wearing bras because I hate being constricted, but of course I’m required to.  That ignores the fact that I can’t find anything cute that fits me and doesn’t irritate me.  But anyway, as a result of my unattractiveness, I don’t (and likely never will) have a child to focus on besides myself.  My big desire right now is save up money to buy not one but TWO new GAMING computers by November.  Most people my age would be thinking of down payments on a car or house or even paying off debts, not a gaming computer ... or, in my case, two gaming computers.

The ONLY things I’ve been complimented on over the years are my artistic talent (worthless), my long fingers (big deal), my long natural fingernails (which is often followed by “ow, those are sharp”), my high cheekbones (really?), and my hair (... which anyone can get from a bottle).  My personality tends to get insulted more than anything.  I’m too friendly.  I get told that time and time again.  I don’t have a backbone.  I just don’t stand out.  I’m not appealing in the slightest.  If I’m not told I’m too friend, I get asked why I’m mad.  I’m not mad.  More than likely I was just thinking about something.  But the fact that guys have to reach for something to compliment me on is telling.  Who the hell looks at someone’s hands to compliment them on unless there’s nothing else they like?  Complimenting me on my hair is also irritating.  Anyone can have my blonde hair and it doesn’t take much to have my length (roughly mid-back) or have it straight.  My hair isn’t unique.  I suppose it’s nice a guy notices things like my hair or fingers, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s just reaching for something to compliment.  Then again, what do I really have to compliment?  My breasts are so small I’ve been taken for a man on several occasions.  I have no figure that says I’m a woman.  Even my voice can be a bit ambiguous which has resulted in me shifting to talking in a little higher octave when talking to people who don’t know me.  That gets a bit hard for me to keep up with at times.

I’ve been looking into artificial insemination methods, but it’s expensive and chances are my mother would have a fit because I’d either have to have the sperm shipped to me at home or I’d have to find a reason to travel out of town on a regular basis to be inseminated.  That doesn’t factor in that none of our cars would handle a drive out of town.  I’d have to buy ovulation kits on a regular basis which would really set off red flags for my parents.  Since I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), I’d have to buy far more ovulation kits that someone who doesn’t have that.  Due to that, I could effectively control when I got pregnant (to a degree anyway).  I’d rather have someone else control it for me and not have it be that planned out, but that’s not going to happen.  At this point, it’s planned or not at all.  And it’s looking more like not at all.  Besides, I’d much rather at least experience sex at least one.  But that’s assuming I’m actually not infertile due to PCOS.

Bad part of all this?  I was desperate enough for sex to put a personal ad on Craigslist.  I got 102 responses to my ad before it got deleted around 20 hours after I posted it.  I never had a chance to respond to any because I was at work when it got deleted, and I had intended to respond to a few after I got off.  Many of the responses requested pictures of me, but I really have none.  The most recent ones that were taken of me are from my grandfather’s memorial which are on MY digital camera which my mom stole from me, and despite my efforts to get them (with the excuse I wanted them for my LinkedIn profile), I haven’t had any luck.  Not like I can do a mirror selfie.  My mirror is too small to do that.  And I’m terrible at taking images with my phone anyway.  On top of that, I can’t really post pictures with a personal ad or even really offer pictures in a response to one due to the nature of my job.  If one of the responses I got ended up being a client of mine, I could get fired.  Or it’d be very awkward at work.  Considering my office deals with 1,000 people at any given time with people coming on and dropping off the program daily and Pueblo has a population of over 100,000, my chance of running into a client is fairly high.

Rather sad I got 102 responses to a personal ad looking for a simple sexual encounter but a post looking for a simple job goes ignored or might have fewer than 10 responses ... with all of them being fake.  Of the 102 responses I got for my ad, 2 followed what I asked them to do, a good 70 kind of followed what I asked them to do, and the rest didn’t do what I asked.  So around 75% of them seemed to have been legitimate compared to like 1% of the job offers I got.

If I did manage to find a guy willing to have sex with me and that did get me pregnant, I’d have no intention of having him have anything to do with the child if he didn’t want to be there.  He’d never have to acknowledge the kid or even see me again.  He’d effectively be a sperm donor.  If he did want into the kid’s life, my only request is that I get to name the kid(s).

It’s rather sad that I have little control over my own life.  I can’t go out when I please despite being an adult.  I can’t cut my hair shorter than my shoulders.  I can’t dye my hair.  I can’t get artificially inseminated without getting laughed at ... or yelled at.  My life is most certainly not my own.  I can certainly use someone to lean on, someone to be my white knight, but that’s nothing more than a fairy tail not worth reading.

I’m contemplating doing visual novels but those are pretty common and I drew little interest for my AC3 fanfic anyway.  Was also considering RPGs since I bought RPG Maker MV which is cross platform, but I suck at that.  Best I’ve done is finish like half of the mapping for a single map and part of another map for my AC3 fanfic came before that died.  Then my last thought is maybe turning my character generator and/or genetic program into an app to sell.  But would those draw enough interest?

If I did 2 separate programs and sold the character generator for $1.99 and the genetic program for $0.99, that’s roughly $3 between the two.  Google would get a cut so 50% (for safe estimation) meaning I get $1.50 if someone buys both program or $0.50-$1 if someone buys one.  To match what I get now, I’d have to sell $840 worth in a week.  Somehow, I don’t see like 800 people buying my programs on a weekly basis.  From what I was reading, many apps only bring in like $1-2 a week which is disheartening.  Even looking up genetics and character generator on the Google Play store reveals others already beat me to that and they’re all free.  So I’d really be screwed if I even tried.  So so much for that idea.  Guess it was good I looked first before I started to make the programs or else that would have been wasted effort for nothing.

How is someone supposed to get references?  Job experience can be bypassed by playing up skills (depending on the job anyway) but references?  I went to apply for a care giver job with the elderly which was entry level and no experience required only to get screwed when they asked for 3 personal references and 3 professional.  No relatives allowed.  Great.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  There was even a statement I would not be considered if I didn’t supply 6 references.  So that job went into the trash.

You’d think a background check might suffice for at least 1-2 references.  My mom commented once that I’m so clean I squeak.  I don’t do anything!  But while beneficial with background checks, it screws me over with references.

Back in March, I applied for a job at the Marriott hotel as a room attendant.  Hey, the job was barely above minimum wage but the benefits!  They actually offer a 401k which my current job as a contractor for the courts doesn’t even offer!  Room discounts also had me interested in case I wanted to travel.  I get called on April 9th for an interview ... at my grandfather’s memorial of all things.  The interview was on the 10th.  I go in and do well so I get told I’d maybe get a call for a second one on Thursday.  I get a call later that day to come in on Monday for a second interview.  I figured that’s a good sign ... but could have also been because I stated I work Tues-Sat so my only day off remaining that week was Monday.  So I go and do decently.  Well, both of the interviewers saw I had a job already so I told them I was looking for something “in addition to or instead of what I have currently”.  I was told I’d be needed at the same hours I work my current job at, but I did state if I liked the attendant job better, I’d happily take the pay cut and quit my current job.  After two interviews, I got told I’d get a callback in 3-5 days.  Well, that’s long gone and no call.  So having another job screwed me.

What also got me is at the first interview, I was told there were 4 openings.  At the second, I get told there’s 5 candidates and 2 openings.  So seems the two who interviewed me weren’t on the same page or they had hired 2 on the spot after I was seen on Sunday.

If I can find a CONSISTENT job that doesn’t frustrate the hell out of me that also offers decent benefits, I’d honestly take minimum wage at this point which would mean taking a pay cut of roughly 50%.  I just can’t handle what I’m doing now.  And the loss of nearly 20 years of stories I’ve written only makes me more antsy because I have no time to even try to rebuild them.  The fact that I feel I’m being overpaid for what I do (even though I’m being UNDERPAID by like 50%) makes me even more willing to work for minimum wage.  I don’t feel like I’m worth much and constantly getting passed over for things doesn’t help my self esteem.

Next month, I’ll be moving to an office further from where I live which means I can’t go home for lunch ... or if I do, my lunch will be like 10 minutes tops.  So I’m effectively stuck in the office for my lunch and bring my lunch with me to avoid the expense of eating out.  I need to get away for that hour because I can’t get away for breaks, but I’m losing that.  There’s no where I want to go during lunch that’s near where I’m moving.  If I’m unhappy with the job now, I’ll be worse in a month.

I could have sworn there were regulations to ensure employees had 2 15 minute breaks in a day if you work 8 hours regardless if you smoke or not.  So it’s rather unfair that the only people at my work who get smoke breaks are the smokers.  And out of my entire office, only 3 of us don’t smoke.  There’s around 10 of us in the office.  That’s terrible!  And it’s also frustrating.  If I want to take a break, I have to walk out of the office and either sit in second hand smoke or sit in my car.  Not the most appealing.

Getting really close to a goddamn breakdown with this stupid job.  I don’t get paid enough for this.  Between getting yelled at for stupid crap and clients failing to do what they’re supposed to, I’m at my wit’s end.  I applied for a job with the Marriott as a room attendant, but my mother bitches because the pay is considerably lower and no benefits.  It’s the Marriott.  I get retirement after being employed a year which I don’t get with my current job.  I get medical benefits after being employed for a month.  I also get to keep any tips I get.  On top of that, I’d get room discounts and I don’t have to write affidavits only to get subpoenaed and go to court.  I’d happily take a job with less pay if it’s less stress on me.  My grandmother’s behind me.  My great aunt’s behind me.  My sister is behind me.  My aunt is behind me.  Even my dad’s behind me.  My mom?  Nope.  She’s bitching because the job is crap pay, no benefits (not true but she won’t listen), and I won’t go anywhere with it.  I’m not happy in my current job.  I want something I’ll be happy in.  It’s not a good sign when I come home from work with a headache and all I want to do is scream and cry.

To add to my frustration, I got pissed at my computer because my 3 TB drive was disappearing on a regular basis causing my computer to lock up.  Well, I finally buy a 3 TB external, copy what I wanted to that, and opt to just reinstall Windows 8.  I wanted a fresh install so formatted the SSD drive I had my OS on.  Well, I accidentally reformatted a second SSD I have that I didn’t want to reformat.  I lost nearly 20 years of stories I had been writing (including my AC3 fanfic), pictures, my checkbook, my resume, and things I did for school.  Gone.  Not a single goddamn data recovery program has found what I lost.  I look more into it and discover why.  It’s because my SSDs have TRIM which effectively makes it impossible to recover data once deleted.  It’s a setting that can be disabled but for some fucking reason it’s enabled by DEFAULT!  So great.  A large chunk of my life I just lost because fucking Windows isn’t very specific on what fucking drive you reformat during the goddamn fucking installation process and the fucking companies who make SSDs now enable a setting by default that makes retrieving data after deletion/format impossible.  But stupid me for not backing it up because I had no intention of reformatting that drive, right?

To add to that, I applied for income based repayment on my student loans, and on studentloans.org, I got told my payments would be up to $54.  I get 2 e-mails after about 2 weeks.  One says my payments are $52, the other says they’re $48.  I figured subsidized vs unsubsidized.  Fair enough.  It’s $100 so a far cry from the $800 I was originally supposed to pay so I was happy with that.  Well, then on April 1st, I get an e-mail saying my payments are $600!  What the fuck?!  So I e-mail them back and ask what the hell are my payments and that it wasn’t funny if it was an April fool’s joke.  I get a response after about 10 days saying one of my payments is $40 and the other is $135 so roughly $175.  That’s a far cry from the ~$50 payment I was told about 2 weeks prior and the $100 I thought I had.  Now I have to pay $200 a month?  On top of that, when I got told what my payments finally would be, they ended my forbearance a month early resulting in my payments being due the day I got the notice.  It takes a few days before payments are posted.  So I now have a goddamn fucking late fee at no fault of my own because fucking Navient decided to remove the rest of my forbearance on the day I had to make a payment with no warning.  They couldn’t wait a goddamn fucking day or set my payment to being due NEXT month rather than this month?  To add insult, I actually made a payment on April 1st and they didn’t even take that into account!  To say I’m pissed is an understatement.

Add that to my grandfather died on April 1st (of all days) which made me that much more irritated with Navient for pulling the $600 payment bullshit, and now my mother being back to little Ms. Bitchy, needless to say, I’m not having a good month.  But no one cares.  Par for the course.

To top that off, my pay dates keep bouncing around.  First paycheck I got was on a Friday, then it was a Monday, then Tuesday, and now it’s Thursday?  I’m getting rather confused and frustrated based on that alone.  At the same time, my mother is bitching at me because she wants to get paid, too.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  It’s not my fault my pay date keeps getting bounced around.

My mom wants me to apply for jobs that deal with my degree.  I have 2 issues with it, though:

1.) How often do you find a job that lists sociology?  They’re few and far between.  On top of that, most don’t even know what sociology even is.  They always think social work.  Say criminology and people know what that is, but sociology is what criminology is an offshoot of.

2.) I don’t want the responsibility of a job related to a degree.  I don’t like giving orders.  I don’t like working with people.  I don’t like controlling people.  I’ve found a number of jobs that would make me happy like auto parts delivery driver and materials handler technician at the local library, but I always get kicked to the curb for some stupid reason.

So I end up getting stuck in jobs that don’t fit my personality and make me more and more bitter.  I was better off when I was unemployed!

I ended up ultimately caving and went to income based repayment for my student loans because I can’t afford to pay them.  Seems I qualify for $0 payments due to my not having a job last year, but I can feel the interest collecting which is driving me bonkers.  Doesn’t help that my mom is telling me to not pay anything on it if I don’t have to, not even enough to just cover interest.  I went from $70k in student loans down to $60k because someone paid $10k of it (who I have no idea).  In the span of a month, I saw one loan go from $10k to $13k which, combined with the other loans jumping up in value, I’m now back to 70k ... in a MONTH!  ... And my mom wants me to just twiddle my thumbs?  I’m going to be sitting on half a million in fucking student loans at this rate!  What also has me concerned is paying the taxes on the amount ultimately forgiven after whatever the duration of the loans are now.  I’m fucked.

So ultimately I’m back to job hunting ... again.  This time it’s for my own sanity as well as to ensure I have something to put toward paying my bitchy mother her monthly rent and maybe put something toward my loans.  At this point, I’m close to a nervous break down so to find ANYTHING that isn’t what I’m doing now and doesn’t deal with customer service would make me happy even if it’s minimum wage.

It pays more than I ever could have hoped for (I was expecting minimum wage honestly, but due to an NDA, I can’t say how much it is) and is full time rather than part time.  Issue is it’s 7pm to 7am 3-4 days a week.  Three days one week, four the next.  I get 2 weeks of training during the day before I get moved to nights.  Guess we’ll see if I can handle working nights.  Hopefully after 6 months or a year, I can get moved to or promoted to a day shift.  Otherwise, maybe I can find other work after a year that is during the day.

The job itself?  Well, I signed an NDA, but it’s simple enough despite being 12 hour days.  The woman who interviewed me understood my predicament of finding a job but every job requiring a year of goddamn experience but I can’t get the experience without the job.  She even commented that if I failed the background check (which isn’t likely), she has other jobs I could do.  At least someone in this piece of shit town was willing to give me a chance.  Shame I didn’t find this job sooner because it would have saved me a lot of hassle and anguish.

If this job doesn’t pan out, though, and I don’t get another job at the same company, I can see my mother throwing a fit.  She spent something like $70 on clothes for me to wear to the interview and then to start working in.  If I get fired, that’s $70 we won’t be getting back.  Money wasted and who’s to say when the next interview and job offer I get will be.  At my rate, I might be 40 before I find another job.  I’m not getting any younger and my age is certainly working against me at this point.

Well, guess we’ll see if this pans out.  Hopefully it does and I can finally get paying on my student loans rather than watch the payments balloon to impossible payments.  They’re coming out of deferment this month so I got this job just in time ... as long as it sticks.

One thing I dislike about Facebook and Twitter is getting random friend requests or people following me.  I have Rat Race Rebellion and now Symmetry at Work following me on Twitter.  Thing is, I don’t post on that site so not sure how they remotely found my account.  Made the account to follow a few game companies, not to post.  Also never heard of either before I got the notice from Twitter they were following me.  But I suppose the larger my network, the more likely I might find something ... or I can hope.  Chances are the larger my network, the more likely I’d get bullshit opportunities that are scams, 1099 jobs, commission jobs, call center jobs, or even jobs that require I travel out of town.  Yay?  Thing is, neither Rat Race Rebellion nor Symmetry at Work seem to have legitimate jobs.  Their jobs are about as legitimate as Flexjobs and those are all scams.  Ugh.

I’m sure by now my posts are just a joke to the few people who read it.  I must be lying, right, or at least exaggerating?  Well, I’m not.  Not everyone is lucky enough to live in an affluent area where jobs are plentiful.  I’m stuck in a crap hole with no prospects for the future.  My family can’t help me.  I have no friends who can help.  I’m one of thousands, likely millions, who get lost because no one helps.  But what can we do?  Nothing.

Well, given my terrible luck with job hunting, this will likely be my last post ranting on the subject.  No one honestly gives a damn anyway.  We’re all so caught up in ourselves that we forget others exist.  Only time anyone remotely gives a (pretend) damn is around Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Rest of the year, they flip others off or ignore them completely.  Since we’re past the new year, obviously no one will give a damn about me.  I’m just another piece of shit in the pile that people just leave to fester with the flies buzzing around.  It makes you long for the old days when towns were small, everyone knew each other, and you could get a job by walking into a business and say you’re looking for work.  You could start out with a simple job sweeping the floor and move on to stocking the shelves.  Eventually you might run the register or place orders for new inventory.  Nowadays, you walk into a place saying you want a job, you get pointed at a sign telling you to apply online ... only to find there’s no jobs listed in your local area or you get rejected by the automated system.  Yay for technology, right?  Jobs that used to be true entry level are now merged in with jobs that require a year or better of experience.  Other jobs that were also once entry level are now done by robots or were just forgotten.  How long before all entry level positions are eliminated completely or done by robots forcing every job to require not only a 4 year degree but job experience you can’t actually get?