Ask me how I could do this,

Berate me with terrible words filled with hatred.

My heart is torn, I love you. I adore you. I’m encaptured.

But I can’t give you every piece of me, I cannot lose myself in the pursuit of us.

I want someone to etch into me and mold me into somebody worthy of their love.

But I’m hard and calloused,

These walls of distrust and fear are made to be unbreakable.

I fold over from the stinging pain of animosity and the constant pressure to perform

My people, my responsibilities, my comfort, and my greatest heartache.

Even now the words I yearn to express, are forced to quietly subside as I put my people at the forefront.

All I can do is ask for forgiveness once the damage is done.

They’ll know it’s coming. I’ve decided to plan it out and leave them with everything they need.

The intense burning and desire that nestled into the cracks in my bones lingers and crackles under the heat of my emotions

These emotions that plague my brain and eat away at me until I’m nothing more than a zombie,

numb to the outside world

Chasing anything that fills my hunger for,

Peace,

Solace in the comfort of my bed awaiting my eternal sleep.

I hope I dream of something sweet,

Would I curse the world and all who have done me wrong

Or maybe I’ll cry at the injustice that I never belonged

If I had to be honest I don’t know if I’d say a word,

No one can take away all this pain and hurt

and I’m tired of holding in the tears that fuel my soul.

All I crave is distance

It’s like there’s a sudden urgency, and I think there’s no chance

I’m still afraid

What will you say if I tell you I’m afraid?

It’s not for lack of trying

This wall I fight so hard to knock down rebuilds itself the second I start to feel this way

These thoughts that rage in my mind never cease

The timer to 21 counts down and I can feel in my bones what’s coming