Am start journey today. Not know where journey take me. Journey am spur on by two thing:
1) That orange frog guy am elect President of United State. No have nothing against frog in general, but this one am like extra rude, like more rude than regular frog.
2) Grog realize he am uncool. Everywhere there am hybrid pop culture nerd symbol, just make Grog seem antiquated. Like, oh, you mix speech of Richer Nixom with a scene from Supernatural, eh? Cool stuff. Guess am no place for Grog anymore. Grog am just half-orc. Not even full orc. Definitely not have cultural cache to become solid meme. Not even have other character for nerd community to ship. Just am losing scenario all around.
So, give rabbit friend notice last week. He am cry, but it sound different when rabbit cry then when hu-man cry. To Grog it am seem like a loud squeak. When orc cry, tear come out of eye in shape of pointy projectile. It am defense mechanism; like if enemy make you cry, you am in real danger, so make pointy tear. Am not feel good when come out of eye. Tell rabbit friend to stop cry or else Grog cry. He am smile at Grog like, Oh Grog, you old softie, but Grog am like, âNO SERIOUSLY IF AM CRYINâ AM DYINâ.â
Pack up all Grog belonging: several rock, a stick, bag of nacho cheese Dorito, twenty dollar bill that am tape together, autograph photo of Joel Hodgson, necklace of goblin ear, and laptop. Ready to go!
No real place to go, though. Hang out at bus stop for several hour. Call rabbit friend to see how he am. He am good, but it am only been like one hour, so just you am wait.
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Hey hello, everyone. That am mean both hey and hello together. It am a kind of extra special greeting Grog am just come up with like two second ago. Anyway, welcome to Grog. Oh! That am special catchphrase you am use sometime if you am want to. Oh, who am Grog kidding? Grog viral catchphrase marketing scheme am never going to work!
Grog not want to dump all of this on poor, trod-down reader who am just want to get an advice or something. But Grog am not generate lot of traffic to site, so am try to find way to really invigorate fan base. Problem am, no can think of a thing. Grog am look to cash in for real. Like, Grog am see all he other friend drive giant car, am like, âYou am a rabbit, cannot even drive.â Car just careen off of road on first test drive, rabbit hit eject button and shoot out of top with parachute. Like, come on, am so many more responsible thing to spend you money on. Like carrot; carrot am solid bet. Carrot and nacho.
Grog am even start part time job. Well, am start like five part time job, but four of them am no count, because of a reason that no am matter. But Grog most recent part time job am okay fit, am no have uniform so am no chance of uniform bust open and display Grog strong muscle to everyone, also embarrass Grog because of Mickey am Mouse underwear. WAS ON SALE!
But job am to go from house to house and sell magazine. Which magazine? Any magazine. For love of all that am holy, any magazine you am want. Print am dead? No am think so. For like a number of dollar less than you mortgage payment you am get finite amount of information send to you just one time a month. Not like on the âinternet,â where am just always new information all the time. Print am genteel.Â
Job go like this: knock on door. No one am answer. Go to next house. Knock on door. No one am answer. Go to next house. Knock on door. A lady answer, but she answer with big yell and poof of dust as door slam in Grog face. So, no am make a lot of money yet, but probably soon.Â
Right, so remember how like a couple of month ago Grog make a post about like how important it am to save a public space from be pull under by capitalist miasma? Only like two people read it, so maybe not. Grog mention at the beginning that he am just wake up from hibernate. Later on Grog realize, hey wait a minute Grog no am hibernate! At least not ever before. Turn out, Grog am turn into bear for a long time, not even know it.Â
See, before hibernate, Grog am go on âvacation,â which really am just a name for a bunch of fight Grog go on with some friend. They am call Grog up, say, âHey we am need barbarian to like hurt everyone because we am so weak.â Grog say okay. Not super into it, you know? Like some barbarian love to be âweekend warrior,â pull out Amulet of the Plane, plane shift, and go kill like ten dryder or whatever just to keep the bloodlust alive. Grog no am like that. Grog like he day job, am have no need to stroke ego by kill helpless deadly chaotic evil creature.Â
But sometime you am take one for the team, and by âtake oneâ Grog mean âkill a lot.â Barry, Grog stupid friend who am set whole thing up, on way home felt need to criticize Grog for not want to enter barbarian rage during fight. That am just not Grog way. Like, if you no like how Grog do barbarian stuff, take some level of barbarian you self, jerk! Or call another barbarian! Oh right, Barry, you not know any! So shut up.
And next thing you know, Grog and Barry yelling at each other on way home. Lot of finger point at each other, both literal and new literal. About five minute into argument, Grog just decide, you know what? Sorry, Barry, am just hungry for trout from the river. Enjoy you ration bar, Grog am go get a fish. But after Grog leave party, decide that maybe not really want fish after all, it am just the anger talk about fish for some reason. Just walk home through woods alone, climb into bed and go to sleep. Get up a few week later, still angry with Barry. Check e-mail, think about write Barry angry e-mail. Decide it am not worth it, would rather post to site for once in Grog life. Grog write article, but still Grog anger toward Barry seethe underneath it all. After write post, Grog wonder why Grog computer all bust up. Oop! Grog am have claw now, go look in mirror, and it am a bear! Grog am so surprise that for one second he forget to be angry, and turn back into just regular Grog.Â
So must have gained a level over weekend, somehow take level of bear warrior without realize it. Grog am have to live with it, Grog guess. Am have to learn better to let go of anger or else just become a bear like in traffic or at the post office or at brunch with a business associate who say he wish women not make such a big deal out of thing, there am plenty of good job for women. Grog figure it am probably best to find support group to help with this bear warrior stuff. Grog see that there am a bar down the street that host a bear night tomorrow. Will be nice to have quiet, supportive conversation with other bear, hopefully. Cross you finger!
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So there's a weird thing happening in my neighborhood. There's a parking lot that everybody uses, not just for parking, but for special outdoor events. It's owned by some dude, and he's been fine leasing it to the neighborhood (though he increases the rent every year), but now suddenly he wants to develop it into a lot with three national chains. There are already a few national chains in the area, but this will up the ratio greatly, and they will be clustered together in the heart of the area, blocking views of and access to local businesses and most likely turning traffic into a giant clusterfuck. We've got petitions and t-shirts and are trying to make people aware of the situation, but when it comes down to it, it's a private lot owned by a butthead and what can we do? I'm sad and upset, Grog. What should I do?
Oh what? Grog am just wake up from hibernate. But okay, will try to answer you question, even though it am have more preamble than most question Grog answer.Â
Grog am see this sort of thing before in orc village. Gruumsh (no relation to Gruumsh One Eye) own like pretty much half of orc village, including park that lot of young orc use, and some older orc come and do yoga there. It am well-situated near meatpile and mud pit. Well, Gruumsh decide to turn park into space for new halfling venture am pop up all over mountain, a restaurant for orc where you am get you own personal meatpile, very small, on a plate.Â
Grog not understand why we need personal meatpile when we am have local village meatpile like almost literally right there. Sure we am already have elf jewelry store chain at other end of village; that not mean we want more non-local business! There am lot of argument for and against, and in the end Gruumsh kill leader of opposition in trial by combat. They am build restaurant, and eventually even opponent forget to be angry and patronize it. But not Grog; Grog leave village, try to find another village. Wander and wander and end up live among hu-man, hear story of other orc village am not even have they own town meatpile anymore because chain of restaurant am so popular.
So base on that experience, let Grog take a big guess what people am say about this situation when you am talk about it:
Hey bro, you am already let chain store into neighborhood, why you care now?
Look, bro, he am a businessman who am look after he own interest. No can blame him.
Hey also, bro, why you even care about a dumb lot for car to park in?
In like a year, bro, those business probably close and then everything am be back to normal, so just like chill and go with the flow, okay bro?
Let Grog address these thing one by one:
There am big difference between a few chain and the ratio of chain to local am be fifty-fifty. It am slippery slope that end in fifteen Qdoba restaurant in a row and pretty much no money go back into local interest.
Yes, he am businessman. Congrats you am know a word, bro. Yes, he am look out for he own interest. But yes, you can blame him. Grog am see firsthand the similarity between orc and hu-man culture. In orc village, ability to direct orc society am tied directly to ability to inflict violence. In hu-man society, instead of fist to face, it am fist full of dollar. It am a different kind of violence, but it operate on same principle of power differential determine direction of society. It am pretty gross. Just because it am legal not mean it am right.
Sound like it am not just a parking lot, but a community space, even if it mostly just have park car in it. It am what the parking lot represent, you literal-minded dumdum. It am a pretty narrow view of community that not understand how space become tied to people view of neighborhood, and how social space am important and inform neighborhood view of itself. It took Grog two second to figure out. How come you no see it, bro?
So let say these business open, and then close a year later. It not go back to normal. Why? First because building am still there, will still attract new tenant, probably another national chain. So it pretty much am never-end cycle of same thing over and over again. But also, there am the damage to the sense of neighborhood identity to consider. People of neighborhood invest they self into neighborhood emotionally. To know that that sense of community can be shatter by one stupid dummy maybe hurt community in a way that am never fully recover from.
So what you can do? It am difficult. Power differential am too great, maybe. Sound like you am on right track. No am lose hope, okay? Keep fight. One thing Grog learn is that rich people no like when poor people bug them a lot. So that am something. Keep you voice loud. Even if you lose the fight, they am know you am there now, that you am watch what they do. You am may need to use legal loophole. Here am some practical thing to consider, maybe:
Am new building going to be accessible to Large and/or Gargantuan monster? If not, hey, back to drawing board. Gargantuan monster need burrito too.
Am you have any high-level caster in you party? If so, maybe try Teleport Object to move whole development? It am worth a shot.
Or maybe summon extra-planar creature to wreak havoc on construction.
Since it am probable that whatever chain restaurant come in will serve meat, it am possible to cast Gathering of Maggots and maybe get it shut down for health code violation. Again and again.
Replace construction crew with undead creature who only want to party because they am just excite to not be dead anymore.
Use Summon Nature's Ally to conjure a pixie. Pixie shoot guy who own lot with memory loss arrow. Problem solve!
Am sure you am come up some of you own idea. If all else fail, Grog know a guy who know a guy who am like pretty good with punching through walls and am good also at destroy a thing.
(image am excerpt of much bigger piece by kontraband that Grog am only can find here anymore)
So but okay, Grog wake up after what roommate call "mini-hibernation" to find that Grog am depress! That clock change mean that Grog now only get like a few hour of daylight. It am dark so early now. I mean, Grog am not complain about time change; Grog understand that we am live in agrarian society, so conservation of daylight am like super important. Would never be insensitive about how majority of people in this country make they living, working the land, am use they hand to wring a life from the earth itself.Â
But never it am the less that Grog find Grog self in quite a predicament. Grog am sad all the time now, not able to sleep good, only want to eat Cap'n of Crunch and drink bucket of Mountain Dew. Who even care? Why it even matter?
NO! It am stink think to be this way. Grog work hard to pull Grog self out of this hole. Watch all Ernest movie in attempt to cheer Grog up: Ernest He Go to Camp, Ernest He Save Chritsma, Ernest He Lose Leg to Diabetes, Ernest He Discover He Have A Twin With A Mustache, Ernest He Look A Lot Like He Mom, Ernest He Reenact Misery With He Neighbor Vern, Ernest He Discover Shadow Government, Ernest He Sit in Empty Tub Quietly All Day, and Ernest He Long For Death. Never realize how depress most of he film am. Grog am like, okay Netflix, queue up the next one, maybe it be better. But it am get so dark after like the first couple of film. Leave Grog in a pretty bad place. But oh, he am have such a way with a physical gag!
So that not am work. Ask rabbit friend Samantha what she do for depression. She say she eat carrot, just sort of give up on clean the house for a little bit. But Grog am already do that! So okay, thank for nothing, Samantha.
It am strange how, in all Grog travel and adventure, am never experience anything quite like this before. So Grog turn to you, dear maybe like five or six reader, to give you suggestion for how you am deal with you own depress. Grog always give you excellent advice, now it am you turn. Send Grog a message through tumblr or to [email protected] and Grog am compile suggestions together into a list in a couple of week, maybe. Possibly. Grog mean, unless maybe Grog not want to.
Here lately I've been feeling like I've changed a lot, and sometimes I don't feel like I fit in my old life anymore. Any suggestions?
But at other time the change am more subtle and you not really notice, then suddenly you am like, "Grog use to really like this emo album, but now it sound like a bunch of baby am do cry-cry." Am two possibility. The first am that an evil sorcerer go back in time and wreak havoc on record-him session, turn band into all baby, like Muppet(TM) Baby, still have same personality but am just littler, voice am sound like they got second-rate voice actor to imitate original voice. This possibility bring up lot of logistic question, like did the sorcerer make them play they grown-up instrument, or did he buy them like Fish'em Price(TM) instrument? If it am the latter, how he get such such good sound from baby instrument? Grog assume that sorcerer have to age-regress sound engineer and producer too, so sorcerer have to take over mixing board, so like, that am some pretty solid production work. Am just say.
The second option am that Grog am just outgrow some baby music. It usually take Grog a couple of day to get to this conclusion, after explore all magical/time-travel possibility. And more often than not the non-magical option am the right one. But not all the time.
One time Grog take sabbatical to go on research mission/hit stuff adventure trip. It am pretty standard stuff. Like, "Okay Grog, knock down this door because the rogue not roll very good and the door am lock." Or "Ok Grog, only magic user get good initiative this time around; you better get in there and kill a guy." Every time Grog try to liven thing up by do something funny like make a necklace of ear or split a guy in half and whisper into he brain a good secret, everyone get uncomfortable. To be honest, by end of trip, Grog am get lot of data on psychology of chaotic evil creature, but start to think maybe rest of party not understand Grog. Which am suck, because Grog try to get along with everyone, try to understand everyone. After battle, Grog just sit in corner while the "good" cleric stuff as many gold into he pocket as possible.Â
Finally come home after adventure, and everything feel different. Have some fierce battle, sure, but nothing that should make it difficult for Grog to acclimate to domestic life again. But Grog notice: rabbit friend not come around anymore. Even roommate stay in he bedroom pretty much all the time. Am like weird dark spot all over wall. Am lot of broken stuff everywhere. That am weird. It am always be like this in here?
Grog think: how am Grog different?
Am smell different? Grog smell Grog own self. YES! Grog not smell good! Smell even worse than usual! Well, it am easy to remedy. Just like hop in shower and clean up. Except that when Grog go into bathroom and look in mirror, Grog see how he am change:Â
Grog am a weremonkey!
This am pretty big change, and apparently Grog not even notice. So it am full moon when Grog come back, and from what Grog am able to piece together, Grog run around apartment yell about banana. Am still half-Grog even though am half-monkey, so idea of throw poop am not appeal to Grog. Instead (from what roommate tell Grog later) Grog melt Hershey(TM) bar on stove and then throw it on wall.Â
Ok. So. Here am advice: you have to decide if change am good change or bad change. You not give specific about you situation, so let me give you list of thing maybe help you decide if this am good change or bad change you am go through. It am same process Grog go through when he am experience what rabbit friend Alex call the lycanthropy incident."
Am it make you smell bad?
Am it mean you am not have to wear anything to cover you butt?
Am you like the idea of have a very hairy body?
How you think you significant other am feel about fecal/chocolate play in bed?
Am it mean you probably get in free a lot of places?
Am it mean you get to wear cute hat without fear of ridicule?
Am it mean someone maybe buy you a cool tricycle?
Am it mean you rampage on full moon?
Am it change you alignment?
That last one am pretty important, and in truth am the reason Grog decide finally to seek out high-level cleric to remove lycanthropic curse. So sit down, look at you life, clean up the wall, and decide whether this change in you life am worth you finally have sweet, sweet hairy chest like Freddie Mercury.
Without a doubt, Grog favorite band am Orc rock quartet The Beeples. The Beeples am first real Orc band use modern instrument. First record "Hey You, Meet the Beeples Or Else, Okay?" revolutionize orc audiomagic entertainment with first song, "(Am Eat) Eight Steak a Week." It am like still unsurpass in record sale, even though it am release over fifty year ago. One of thing that make The Beeples so great am they songwrite. To Grog ear, am no better songwrite team than Lemon and McFartney. Horg Jarrison am amaze guitar player, and am nobody got that crazy backbeat like drum hit guy Rango Starn. So much energy, so much talent!
They next album, "It Am The Beeples!" am a classic. Have picture of it somewhere, will put at it head of post, ok? It am great cover because it am first time band really portray orc life in cover art. They am got lot of meat from meat pile, and some dead baby. But for serious, from catchy pop of "Am Want to Own You Clan" and "(Baby You Am) Throw My Car" to wistful sentiment of "All You Need Am Glove," album am just hit after hit after hit. Beeplemania am sweep orc nation. Beeples merchandise am everywhere. Soon The Beeples am making like a movie and stuff, a movie call "Hack!" that am just sort of loosely structure pop nonsense. It am a fun time, though; lot of fast motion humorous scene of The Beeples chase down group innocent hu-man villager and kill all of them. Title song, "Hack!", am release as single, do super great. I know you know the song; it am get use in commercial all the time: "Hack!/I kill somebody/Hack!/I kill everybody!" Grog know you am know it.
Beeples keep release album, and keep do amazing work. Some of Grog favorite Beeples song:
Chaotic Evil Beholder's Garden
Meatpile (That Am What We Want)
Maxwell's Alchemical SIlver Warhammer
I Throw Lucy into Sky (With Diamond)
Glass Funyun
And You Bard Can Sing
Dumb Elven Wood
Rocky Bassoon
Oh No, Here Come The Sun [Grog Note: This song am about group of feral troll; am like super good]
The group find so much fame. It am cannot help but change an orc, you know? The group am grow apart, break up, and they go they own separate way. Jom Lemon start talk about peace and love all the time, and talk about give up you worldly possession, but he am have biggest personal meat pile ever, and by all account he am an asshole, so he can go fuck he self. Ral McFartney am okay; after Beeples break up he am keep release solo album that nobody really like very much. Also he always make goofy surprise face in every picture anybody take of him (you can see beginning of it in early record cover; that am him in the middle of the "It am the Beeples!" cover). Horg Jarrison convert to elven religion, start to worship Sehanine Moonbow, get huge tattoo of full moon with crescent-shape haze on top of it on he back, start recording album of elven religoius ballad. Rango Starn make some album, too, that people not care about too much. Then he play conductor on orc kid show "Oplek the Armored Spiky Train" for a while. Then he just show up at orc award show sometime for no reason, maybe just to prove that he am still alive. WE AM GET IT, RANGO.
Anyway, Grog hope you get nice overview of career of The Beeples. They album am all available on ITune, still hold up good. Am glad you ask me about it and not some other orc, because they might tell you that The Throwing Stones am better, which am like total bullshit, man.
OH BOY, GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPIE. Everyone know that best way to avoid criticism am to run away when someone start to criticize you. Also, in orc society you am just hit them, like with a club or an axe, whichever am most handy. So good homespun wisdom, bro, but you am no Garrison Keillor.Â
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Little know fact about this: it am not the full quote. The full quote go on: "Or it would, anyway, if not for the vast Jewish Conspiracy." Anyway, enjoy very inspirational quote of anti-Semite Henry Ford.
Grog, I'm always broke! The way I am with money makes me feel sub-human and/or mentally deficient. What can I do?
What am likelihood of you get career in one of these area? Not very good. But listen, it am not all bad new. So you end up work as poop cleaner, or toothpick tester, or butt-puncher or some other menial thing. What; am this like a capitalist society where value of you life am determine solely by amount of money you am have?
Oh.
Okay, but still, a life spent sailing in opposition to wind, while difficult, am yield many reward, like wonderful tousle hair and rosy cheek and so on. Maybe even you learn to talk like a pirate without sound like an idiot. But of course this am leave you in unfortunate situation of now you have to not spend all you money instantly.
So how to do it? Grog not make much money as self-help guru. You various Dr. Phil and he ilk make lot of money by skim scum off pond of quaint homespun wisdom and sell it to gullible fool. Grog try to give real, tangible advice, which am harder to implement. Also, apparently Grog not use "proper grammar and syntax," so that make people think he am stupid or something. So Grog am poor most of the time, and have to stretch money pretty far to make end meet. Here am some tip Grog pick up over time:
In winter, wear like eight layer of clothing to stay warm so you no am have to have heat on. Alternately, set you self on fire.
In summer, spin around a lot to cool you self off instead of use air conditioner. If spin around enough, you am fall and hit you head and pass out, thereby not feel heat anymore for at least fifteen minute.
Ice sandwich. Trust. You can make ice either the bread or the meat or both. It am good and good for you.
Go out to eat with gnome and then conveniently forget wallet.
Also, maybe never even buy a wallet.
Elf clothing am cheaper, so just buy that and then let it out. A lot. And prepare for people to see you butt a lot.
In a pinch, pile of rock make excellent pillow.
When you have people over, say it am a pot luck, but don't make anything. Then get tired very early.
To maximize potential number of gift, have like three or four birthday.
If possible, in addition to regular fecal matter, poop out cecotrope which you can re-ingest for additional nutrition, which am allow you to cut back on money you spend on food (this tip come from rabbit friend name Corey).
Orc society no have money as such. Obviously when you am talk about adventure and plunder, it make sense that yes, there am gold and silver and copper. But among orc tribe it not have much value. Violence am main currency, and while it am seem like it am different set up altogether than hu-man society, really it am kind of same thing. Both economy am about imbalance of power. Violence, money, it am kind of same thing, but on different level. When Grog am young Grog, Grog have similar method for deal with not be very violent in a society that treasure violence. When Grog leave orc village, Grog start campaign to help orc who not want to live violent orc life call "It Am Not Get Better. Seriously, Get the Fuck Out of There." End goal am to get young orc out of lifestyle which am antithetical to who they am, and also to make sure they am not get kill by stupid bro orc who am just violent because that am what orc am told to do from like day one. To that end, Grog send out brochure by rabbit courier with tip to help young orc survive:
Ketchup.
Lot of ketchup.
Like seriously you am going to hate ketchup because think about how much blood there am in a humanoid body and then think about how much ketchup you need to approximate that.
Invest in very realistic humanoid-shape dummy you can sneak out of village and then carry back in like you am just kill someone, bring them back to you house to eat them. Cover it in ketchup, obv. And you can put raisin on ketchup to make it look like fly already going to town on the body.
Good way to get out of fight: ask what they am think of portrayal of orc in popular hu-man media. Start with Lurtz from Lord of a Ring and then move on to old Dungeon and Dragon cartoon. If they am not ever see it, offer to let them borrow DVD set. Talk about how vile the hu-man are.
Also, make sure you own those DVD or else uh oh.
Practice ventriloquy so you can make it sound like you am having really angry shout match with someone who am behind a tree.
Speak of tree, cut a tree in forest most of the way through, and then the next day go on minor expedition with other orc, get mad for no reason and push it over. Nobody know the difference, think you am like real strong.
Life am tough for young orc who not want to fight, just like it am tough for someone in hu-man world who maybe value something other than money. Hang in there, little kitten. Stretch that money as far as it am go, and make a rich friend.Â
Hey Grog okay so Iâve got a friend whoâs going to art school and I get really nervous about talking about art with him because I feel like he looks down on me because I donât know much of anything about art. What should I do?
Look, since advent of capitalism, history of hu-man art am basically just rich people pay poor people to draw a thing so rich people can look at it and nod they head like âYes, it am deep.â Someone want to look down on you because you am not know specific timeline of what type of painting or sculpture am worth a lot when and where, sure, go for it bro.Â
In orc culture, art am pure and natural. By natural Grog mean it am usually involve arrangement of natrual thing like entrail or feces into different shape or maybe spread on like a cloth or something so that it make a picture. Most of the time you not even know what it am until you am done with it. âOkay, this one am a half hedgehog, half investment banker. See, there am he briefcase and he expensive watch, and he have a spiky head.â
Grog own experience with art am unique, since am take orc sensibility and apply it to hu-man artistic paradigm. Mainly am into crunching, which Grog am talk about before. Grog use exceptional strength to finesse like a car bumper or a gutter or corner of brick wall just a little bit. Really when you get down to it, crunching am just apply orc conception of manipulation of form to hu-man society. It am a kind of minimalist sculpture.
But okay, let say you want to impress you friend with hu-man art knowledge. Here am a few tip:
Make sure you am know name of artist you talk about. One time some smart guy want to talk about art. Manet, he say. Manet am the best. Oh, Manet. Grog too embarrass to tell him it am Monet, not Manet. Dumb idiot guy!
Speak of Monet, he am first artist ever get pay for work. That am why we talk about how you can monetize a thing.
Lot of old painting not even done by artist who we am think. They have like assistant who do actual painting. So anytime someone talk about a great painting that am from like the old days, roll you eye and say, âOh, well, am hear he assistant do that one. So I guess it am great, but at what cost?â
Never mention Thomas Kinkade.
Never say that Keith Haring work look like crime scene outline.
Never comment on how small a wiener am. It am consider uncouth.
If you friend show you some modern art, whatever it am, tilt you head and say, âAm that a butt?â
If you friend mention Andy Goldsworthy, tell him you think he work am derivative of some work you am see once by someone name Mother Nature.
If all else fail, say you real area of expertise am outsider art. Then make up an artist and ask if you friend ever hear of them. Grog go-to outsider artist name am Will âWilliamâ Campbelson. Say he work am primarily poorly done watercolor of bee, but he make the paper he self out of paper towel he eat and throw up to mimic the process of how a bee make honey. It get them every time.
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Ok so I just graduated from high school. During the summer, a few of my friends are taking a road trip across the country. My parents are like really protective so they don't want me to go, but I think I'm pretty much able to make my own decision about this. What should I do?
But Grog have some experience for navigate late-adolescent difficulty. Grog not go to hu-man high school, of course. In fact, Grog not even live in hu-man society at the time. Orc high school equivalent am call Hit Everyone. Basically you am spend several year just hit each other a lot. Orc teacher give grade base on how much you hit, and how hard. It am really boring, and Grog pretty much plateau in first year because am not built as strong as full orc classmate. So Grog watch all he classmate get more and more strong, but Grog still hit like a first-year Hit Everyone student. Cool, dad, thank for be a hu-man.
But Grog have two good friend in Hit Everyone, Karl and Jo-Jo. Karl just not really come from good orc stock, have kind of Ugluk complex, and Jo-Jo, well, let say he mom maybe hit the sulfur water a bit too much. After we finally graduate from Hit Everyone pretty much bottom of class, Karl say, now let us go on adventure! It sound like great idea. In retrospect, worst three puncher go on adventure maybe not so smart, but okay. Grog mom see this right away and implore Grog not to go. Threaten with take away he Hit-A-Thing game system. At this point Grog pretty scare. Mom buy Hit-A-Thing with she own rock she earn from hard work. It within her purview to take it away if she want.
But in the end Grog persevere. Stalemate go on for three day. Finally Grog and he mom sit down, and Grog explain that look, Grog not be here forever, plan to go to adventure school, learn weaponcraft and how to draw caricature. Karl plan to live in wilderness and build army of rat soldier, and Jo-Jo already have promising career as Guy Everyone Pick On Pretty Much Forever. So this really am last chance for good friend to do a thing together, especially since if you get like three rat together, they probably could take Karl down and eat he face. Probably not going to see Karl again.
Mom agree, and next day the three friend set off on adventure. We make good progress first day. We make camp and split up duty: Grog set up bed and fire pit, Jo-Jo look for wood to make fire, Karl look for thing to eat, since he insist on not bring food from village meat pile because he am "capable hunter." Grog and Jo-Jo get everything set up and fire burning, wait and wait. Finally Karl show up with hand full of leaf.
"You guy am not believe this," he say.
"Pretty much you am right," Grog say.
"This am leaf from special elf plant."
"Yeah?"
"Pretty sure."
"Percentile?"
"Like sixty percent sure."
"No thank. Grog just go to sleep hungry, eat a bug in the morning."Â
Jo-Jo am fall asleep during this exchange, so he not eat leaf either. Karl eat all leaf, pretty much instantly start to vomit everywhere. When vomit subside, we cover him with blanket near fire. He shiver all night. He look at something beyond Grog and Jo-Jo. He mutter to he self.Â
"Yes," he say. "Karl am. Karl hear you, King Fur-Rocious. You blessing am confer upon me. Karl am the rat king."
"Karl," Grog say, "that am from 'Tale from Watership Down.' He am bad rabbit who take over El-ahrairah warren. He claim to be new lord of rabbit, and also rat and weasel and stoat. It am from a book. We read it for animal book club, remember?"
But Karl not hear anything. Grog and Jo-Jo fall asleep eventually. When morning come, Karl am nowhere to be found. Grog and Jo-Jo look around for at least five minute, then pack up and go back to village.
Whole village show up when they see Grog and Jo-Jo.
"Oh, you am back already? Only one of you am dead?" Say one idiot. Whole village start to laugh.
Jo-Jo turn to Grog.
"Jo-Jo handle this," he say, and give sad smile.
He take two step and trip over he own feet, land on stinky elf carcass in mud puddle. Everyone gather around Jo-Jo and laugh. Grog slink away, go to room and cry it out. Poor Karl. Poor Jo-Jo. Poor Grog. In that moment it seem impossible that anyone ever escape the pull of the past. It reach so far and pull so strong. Nothing am ever get better.
But like a week later Grog leave for adventure school and everything pretty much great ever since, so don't worry about it.
Point am, parent want to protect kid. But destiny am everywhere. If you am want to find you self, you have to assert you self. Start a conversation with you parent, push for what you want. You relationship with parent am begin to change whether they want it or not. Show them that you deserve they respect. You am not a kid anymore.Â
Anonymous asked you:
Have you ever played the original Nintendo?? What is your favorite game?
YES! Grog love Nintendo. Never am very good at it, mainly because until original Xbox come along, all controller am too small for Grog big hand. Grog not even get into Power Glove debacle. Suffice it to say Grog still have scar from it, and bust up power glove am centerpiece of Grog broken controller Hall of Fame.
When people am ask about they favorite original Nintendo game, they say something like The Super Mario Brother or Castlevania or whatever. People say to Grog, "Oh, you favorite game am probably one of the AD&D game or Ultima III or Ultima IV or Ultima V." Grog say: way to be, racist. You not know me. You not know my style.
1) Fun House - Fun House am kid show on Fox from 1988 to 1993. Host by J.D. Roth, love child of J.D. Salinger and Philip Roth, Fun House am rich man Double Dare. While 8 bit version of J.D. Roth not capture erudite wit of real life J.D. Roth, game do feature Grog favorite part of TV show, which am kid on inline skate who am throw tomato at target.
2) Kabuki Quantum Fighter - In which 25 year old Colonel Scott O'Connor get he brain digitize into binary code to fight a virus that am infect Earth Defense Computer in the year 2056. When O'Connor undergo process that turn him digital, computer recognize in he DNA I guess that he great-grandfather use to be a Kabuki actor, and so it turn O'Connor digital avatar into Kabuki actor. Player primarily whip they hair at bad guy like Willow Smith. Am make total sense to young Grog.
3) The Untouchables - Am Grog favorite video game base Brian De Palma film which am also write by David Mamet. 'Nuff said.
Keep you Mario and Samus and what not; as long as Grog can be Kevin Costner, Grog am happy.