Say Yes to It (It Am Life)

Grog not want to dump all of this on poor, trod-down reader who am just want to get an advice or something. But Grog am not generate lot of traffic to site, so am try to find way to really invigorate fan base. Problem am, no can think of a thing. Grog am look to cash in for real. Like, Grog am see all he other friend drive giant car, am like, “You am a rabbit, cannot even drive.” Car just careen off of road on first test drive, rabbit hit eject button and shoot out of top with parachute. Like, come on, am so many more responsible thing to spend you money on. Like carrot; carrot am solid bet. Carrot and nacho.

Grog am even start part time job. Well, am start like five part time job, but four of them am no count, because of a reason that no am matter. But Grog most recent part time job am okay fit, am no have uniform so am no chance of uniform bust open and display Grog strong muscle to everyone, also embarrass Grog because of Mickey am Mouse underwear. WAS ON SALE!

But job am to go from house to house and sell magazine. Which magazine? Any magazine. For love of all that am holy, any magazine you am want. Print am dead? No am think so. For like a number of dollar less than you mortgage payment you am get finite amount of information send to you just one time a month. Not like on the “internet,” where am just always new information all the time. Print am genteel. 

See, before hibernate, Grog am go on “vacation,” which really am just a name for a bunch of fight Grog go on with some friend. They am call Grog up, say, “Hey we am need barbarian to like hurt everyone because we am so weak.” Grog say okay. Not super into it, you know? Like some barbarian love to be “weekend warrior,” pull out Amulet of the Plane, plane shift, and go kill like ten dryder or whatever just to keep the bloodlust alive. Grog no am like that. Grog like he day job, am have no need to stroke ego by kill helpless deadly chaotic evil creature. 

But sometime you am take one for the team, and by “take one” Grog mean “kill a lot.” Barry, Grog stupid friend who am set whole thing up, on way home felt need to criticize Grog for not want to enter barbarian rage during fight. That am just not Grog way. Like, if you no like how Grog do barbarian stuff, take some level of barbarian you self, jerk! Or call another barbarian! Oh right, Barry, you not know any! So shut up.

And next thing you know, Grog and Barry yelling at each other on way home. Lot of finger point at each other, both literal and new literal. About five minute into argument, Grog just decide, you know what? Sorry, Barry, am just hungry for trout from the river. Enjoy you ration bar, Grog am go get a fish. But after Grog leave party, decide that maybe not really want fish after all, it am just the anger talk about fish for some reason. Just walk home through woods alone, climb into bed and go to sleep. Get up a few week later, still angry with Barry. Check e-mail, think about write Barry angry e-mail. Decide it am not worth it, would rather post to site for once in Grog life. Grog write article, but still Grog anger toward Barry seethe underneath it all. After write post, Grog wonder why Grog computer all bust up. Oop! Grog am have claw now, go look in mirror, and it am a bear! Grog am so surprise that for one second he forget to be angry, and turn back into just regular Grog. 

Grog am see this sort of thing before in orc village. Gruumsh (no relation to Gruumsh One Eye) own like pretty much half of orc village, including park that lot of young orc use, and some older orc come and do yoga there. It am well-situated near meatpile and mud pit. Well, Gruumsh decide to turn park into space for new halfling venture am pop up all over mountain, a restaurant for orc where you am get you own personal meatpile, very small, on a plate. 

Grog not understand why we need personal meatpile when we am have local village meatpile like almost literally right there. Sure we am already have elf jewelry store chain at other end of village; that not mean we want more non-local business! There am lot of argument for and against, and in the end Gruumsh kill leader of opposition in trial by combat. They am build restaurant, and eventually even opponent forget to be angry and patronize it. But not Grog; Grog leave village, try to find another village. Wander and wander and end up live among hu-man, hear story of other orc village am not even have they own town meatpile anymore because chain of restaurant am so popular.

So base on that experience, let Grog take a big guess what people am say about this situation when you am talk about it:

Hey bro, you am already let chain store into neighborhood, why you care now?

Look, bro, he am a businessman who am look after he own interest. No can blame him.

Hey also, bro, why you even care about a dumb lot for car to park in?

In like a year, bro, those business probably close and then everything am be back to normal, so just like chill and go with the flow, okay bro?

Let Grog address these thing one by one:

There am big difference between a few chain and the ratio of chain to local am be fifty-fifty. It am slippery slope that end in fifteen Qdoba restaurant in a row and pretty much no money go back into local interest.

Yes, he am businessman. Congrats you am know a word, bro. Yes, he am look out for he own interest. But yes, you can blame him. Grog am see firsthand the similarity between orc and hu-man culture. In orc village, ability to direct orc society am tied directly to ability to inflict violence. In hu-man society, instead of fist to face, it am fist full of dollar. It am a different kind of violence, but it operate on same principle of power differential determine direction of society. It am pretty gross. Just because it am legal not mean it am right.

Sound like it am not just a parking lot, but a community space, even if it mostly just have park car in it. It am what the parking lot represent, you literal-minded dumdum. It am a pretty narrow view of community that not understand how space become tied to people view of neighborhood, and how social space am important and inform neighborhood view of itself. It took Grog two second to figure out. How come you no see it, bro?

So let say these business open, and then close a year later. It not go back to normal. Why? First because building am still there, will still attract new tenant, probably another national chain. So it pretty much am never-end cycle of same thing over and over again. But also, there am the damage to the sense of neighborhood identity to consider. People of neighborhood invest they self into neighborhood emotionally. To know that that sense of community can be shatter by one stupid dummy maybe hurt community in a way that am never fully recover from.

So what you can do? It am difficult. Power differential am too great, maybe. Sound like you am on right track. No am lose hope, okay? Keep fight. One thing Grog learn is that rich people no like when poor people bug them a lot. So that am something. Keep you voice loud. Even if you lose the fight, they am know you am there now, that you am watch what they do. You am may need to use legal loophole. Here am some practical thing to consider, maybe:

Am new building going to be accessible to Large and/or Gargantuan monster? If not, hey, back to drawing board. Gargantuan monster need burrito too.

Am you have any high-level caster in you party? If so, maybe try Teleport Object to move whole development? It am worth a shot.

Or maybe summon extra-planar creature to wreak havoc on construction.

Since it am probable that whatever chain restaurant come in will serve meat, it am possible to cast Gathering of Maggots and maybe get it shut down for health code violation. Again and again.

Replace construction crew with undead creature who only want to party because they am just excite to not be dead anymore.

Use Summon Nature's Ally to conjure a pixie. Pixie shoot guy who own lot with memory loss arrow. Problem solve!

So but okay, Grog wake up after what roommate call "mini-hibernation" to find that Grog am depress! That clock change mean that Grog now only get like a few hour of daylight. It am dark so early now. I mean, Grog am not complain about time change; Grog understand that we am live in agrarian society, so conservation of daylight am like super important. Would never be insensitive about how majority of people in this country make they living, working the land, am use they hand to wring a life from the earth itself. 

But never it am the less that Grog find Grog self in quite a predicament. Grog am sad all the time now, not able to sleep good, only want to eat Cap'n of Crunch and drink bucket of Mountain Dew. Who even care? Why it even matter?

NO! It am stink think to be this way. Grog work hard to pull Grog self out of this hole. Watch all Ernest movie in attempt to cheer Grog up: Ernest He Go to Camp, Ernest He Save Chritsma, Ernest He Lose Leg to Diabetes, Ernest He Discover He Have A Twin With A Mustache, Ernest He Look A Lot Like He Mom, Ernest He Reenact Misery With He Neighbor Vern, Ernest He Discover Shadow Government, Ernest He Sit in Empty Tub Quietly All Day, and Ernest He Long For Death. Never realize how depress most of he film am. Grog am like, okay Netflix, queue up the next one, maybe it be better. But it am get so dark after like the first couple of film. Leave Grog in a pretty bad place. But oh, he am have such a way with a physical gag!

So that not am work. Ask rabbit friend Samantha what she do for depression. She say she eat carrot, just sort of give up on clean the house for a little bit. But Grog am already do that! So okay, thank for nothing, Samantha.

But at other time the change am more subtle and you not really notice, then suddenly you am like, "Grog use to really like this emo album, but now it sound like a bunch of baby am do cry-cry." Am two possibility. The first am that an evil sorcerer go back in time and wreak havoc on record-him session, turn band into all baby, like Muppet(TM) Baby, still have same personality but am just littler, voice am sound like they got second-rate voice actor to imitate original voice. This possibility bring up lot of logistic question, like did the sorcerer make them play they grown-up instrument, or did he buy them like Fish'em Price(TM) instrument? If it am the latter, how he get such such good sound from baby instrument? Grog assume that sorcerer have to age-regress sound engineer and producer too, so sorcerer have to take over mixing board, so like, that am some pretty solid production work. Am just say.

The second option am that Grog am just outgrow some baby music. It usually take Grog a couple of day to get to this conclusion, after explore all magical/time-travel possibility. And more often than not the non-magical option am the right one. But not all the time.

One time Grog take sabbatical to go on research mission/hit stuff adventure trip. It am pretty standard stuff. Like, "Okay Grog, knock down this door because the rogue not roll very good and the door am lock." Or "Ok Grog, only magic user get good initiative this time around; you better get in there and kill a guy." Every time Grog try to liven thing up by do something funny like make a necklace of ear or split a guy in half and whisper into he brain a good secret, everyone get uncomfortable. To be honest, by end of trip, Grog am get lot of data on psychology of chaotic evil creature, but start to think maybe rest of party not understand Grog. Which am suck, because Grog try to get along with everyone, try to understand everyone. After battle, Grog just sit in corner while the "good" cleric stuff as many gold into he pocket as possible. 

Finally come home after adventure, and everything feel different. Have some fierce battle, sure, but nothing that should make it difficult for Grog to acclimate to domestic life again. But Grog notice: rabbit friend not come around anymore. Even roommate stay in he bedroom pretty much all the time. Am like weird dark spot all over wall. Am lot of broken stuff everywhere. That am weird. It am always be like this in here?

Grog think: how am Grog different?

Am smell different? Grog smell Grog own self. YES! Grog not smell good! Smell even worse than usual! Well, it am easy to remedy. Just like hop in shower and clean up. Except that when Grog go into bathroom and look in mirror, Grog see how he am change: 

Grog am a weremonkey!

This am pretty big change, and apparently Grog not even notice. So it am full moon when Grog come back, and from what Grog am able to piece together, Grog run around apartment yell about banana. Am still half-Grog even though am half-monkey, so idea of throw poop am not appeal to Grog. Instead (from what roommate tell Grog later) Grog melt Hershey(TM) bar on stove and then throw it on wall. 

Ok. So. Here am advice: you have to decide if change am good change or bad change. You not give specific about you situation, so let me give you list of thing maybe help you decide if this am good change or bad change you am go through. It am same process Grog go through when he am experience what rabbit friend Alex call the lycanthropy incident."

Am it make you smell bad?

Am it mean you am not have to wear anything to cover you butt?

Am you like the idea of have a very hairy body?

How you think you significant other am feel about fecal/chocolate play in bed?

Am it mean you probably get in free a lot of places?

Am it mean you get to wear cute hat without fear of ridicule?

Am it mean someone maybe buy you a cool tricycle?

Am it mean you rampage on full moon?

Am it change you alignment?

What am likelihood of you get career in one of these area? Not very good. But listen, it am not all bad new. So you end up work as poop cleaner, or toothpick tester, or butt-puncher or some other menial thing. What; am this like a capitalist society where value of you life am determine solely by amount of money you am have?

Oh.

Okay, but still, a life spent sailing in opposition to wind, while difficult, am yield many reward, like wonderful tousle hair and rosy cheek and so on. Maybe even you learn to talk like a pirate without sound like an idiot. But of course this am leave you in unfortunate situation of now you have to not spend all you money instantly.

So how to do it? Grog not make much money as self-help guru. You various Dr. Phil and he ilk make lot of money by skim scum off pond of quaint homespun wisdom and sell it to gullible fool. Grog try to give real, tangible advice, which am harder to implement. Also, apparently Grog not use "proper grammar and syntax," so that make people think he am stupid or something. So Grog am poor most of the time, and have to stretch money pretty far to make end meet. Here am some tip Grog pick up over time:

In winter, wear like eight layer of clothing to stay warm so you no am have to have heat on. Alternately, set you self on fire.

In summer, spin around a lot to cool you self off instead of use air conditioner. If spin around enough, you am fall and hit you head and pass out, thereby not feel heat anymore for at least fifteen minute.

Ice sandwich. Trust. You can make ice either the bread or the meat or both. It am good and good for you.

Go out to eat with gnome and then conveniently forget wallet.

Also, maybe never even buy a wallet.

Elf clothing am cheaper, so just buy that and then let it out. A lot. And prepare for people to see you butt a lot.

In a pinch, pile of rock make excellent pillow.

When you have people over, say it am a pot luck, but don't make anything. Then get tired very early.

To maximize potential number of gift, have like three or four birthday.

If possible, in addition to regular fecal matter, poop out cecotrope which you can re-ingest for additional nutrition, which am allow you to cut back on money you spend on food (this tip come from rabbit friend name Corey).

Orc society no have money as such. Obviously when you am talk about adventure and plunder, it make sense that yes, there am gold and silver and copper. But among orc tribe it not have much value. Violence am main currency, and while it am seem like it am different set up altogether than hu-man society, really it am kind of same thing. Both economy am about imbalance of power. Violence, money, it am kind of same thing, but on different level. When Grog am young Grog, Grog have similar method for deal with not be very violent in a society that treasure violence. When Grog leave orc village, Grog start campaign to help orc who not want to live violent orc life call "It Am Not Get Better. Seriously, Get the Fuck Out of There." End goal am to get young orc out of lifestyle which am antithetical to who they am, and also to make sure they am not get kill by stupid bro orc who am just violent because that am what orc am told to do from like day one. To that end, Grog send out brochure by rabbit courier with tip to help young orc survive:

Ketchup.

Lot of ketchup.

Like seriously you am going to hate ketchup because think about how much blood there am in a humanoid body and then think about how much ketchup you need to approximate that.

Invest in very realistic humanoid-shape dummy you can sneak out of village and then carry back in like you am just kill someone, bring them back to you house to eat them. Cover it in ketchup, obv. And you can put raisin on ketchup to make it look like fly already going to town on the body.

Good way to get out of fight: ask what they am think of portrayal of orc in popular hu-man media. Start with Lurtz from Lord of a Ring and then move on to old Dungeon and Dragon cartoon. If they am not ever see it, offer to let them borrow DVD set. Talk about how vile the hu-man are.

Also, make sure you own those DVD or else uh oh.

Practice ventriloquy so you can make it sound like you am having really angry shout match with someone who am behind a tree.

Speak of tree, cut a tree in forest most of the way through, and then the next day go on minor expedition with other orc, get mad for no reason and push it over. Nobody know the difference, think you am like real strong.

But Grog have some experience for navigate late-adolescent difficulty. Grog not go to hu-man high school, of course. In fact, Grog not even live in hu-man society at the time. Orc high school equivalent am call Hit Everyone. Basically you am spend several year just hit each other a lot. Orc teacher give grade base on how much you hit, and how hard. It am really boring, and Grog pretty much plateau in first year because am not built as strong as full orc classmate. So Grog watch all he classmate get more and more strong, but Grog still hit like a first-year Hit Everyone student. Cool, dad, thank for be a hu-man.

But Grog have two good friend in Hit Everyone, Karl and Jo-Jo. Karl just not really come from good orc stock, have kind of Ugluk complex, and Jo-Jo, well, let say he mom maybe hit the sulfur water a bit too much. After we finally graduate from Hit Everyone pretty much bottom of class, Karl say, now let us go on adventure! It sound like great idea. In retrospect, worst three puncher go on adventure maybe not so smart, but okay. Grog mom see this right away and implore Grog not to go. Threaten with take away he Hit-A-Thing game system. At this point Grog pretty scare. Mom buy Hit-A-Thing with she own rock she earn from hard work. It within her purview to take it away if she want.

But in the end Grog persevere. Stalemate go on for three day. Finally Grog and he mom sit down, and Grog explain that look, Grog not be here forever, plan to go to adventure school, learn weaponcraft and how to draw caricature. Karl plan to live in wilderness and build army of rat soldier, and Jo-Jo already have promising career as Guy Everyone Pick On Pretty Much Forever. So this really am last chance for good friend to do a thing together, especially since if you get like three rat together, they probably could take Karl down and eat he face. Probably not going to see Karl again.

Mom agree, and next day the three friend set off on adventure. We make good progress first day. We make camp and split up duty: Grog set up bed and fire pit, Jo-Jo look for wood to make fire, Karl look for thing to eat, since he insist on not bring food from village meat pile because he am "capable hunter." Grog and Jo-Jo get everything set up and fire burning, wait and wait. Finally Karl show up with hand full of leaf.

"You guy am not believe this," he say.

"Pretty much you am right," Grog say.

"This am leaf from special elf plant."

"Yeah?"

"Pretty sure."

"Percentile?"

"Like sixty percent sure."

"No thank. Grog just go to sleep hungry, eat a bug in the morning." 

Jo-Jo am fall asleep during this exchange, so he not eat leaf either. Karl eat all leaf, pretty much instantly start to vomit everywhere. When vomit subside, we cover him with blanket near fire. He shiver all night. He look at something beyond Grog and Jo-Jo. He mutter to he self. 

"Yes," he say. "Karl am. Karl hear you, King Fur-Rocious. You blessing am confer upon me. Karl am the rat king."

"Karl," Grog say, "that am from 'Tale from Watership Down.' He am bad rabbit who take over El-ahrairah warren. He claim to be new lord of rabbit, and also rat and weasel and stoat. It am from a book. We read it for animal book club, remember?"

But Karl not hear anything. Grog and Jo-Jo fall asleep eventually. When morning come, Karl am nowhere to be found. Grog and Jo-Jo look around for at least five minute, then pack up and go back to village.

Whole village show up when they see Grog and Jo-Jo.

"Oh, you am back already? Only one of you am dead?" Say one idiot. Whole village start to laugh.

Jo-Jo turn to Grog.

"Jo-Jo handle this," he say, and give sad smile.

He take two step and trip over he own feet, land on stinky elf carcass in mud puddle. Everyone gather around Jo-Jo and laugh. Grog slink away, go to room and cry it out. Poor Karl. Poor Jo-Jo. Poor Grog. In that moment it seem impossible that anyone ever escape the pull of the past. It reach so far and pull so strong. Nothing am ever get better.

But like a week later Grog leave for adventure school and everything pretty much great ever since, so don't worry about it.

1) Fun House - Fun House am kid show on Fox from 1988 to 1993. Host by J.D. Roth, love child of J.D. Salinger and Philip Roth, Fun House am rich man Double Dare. While 8 bit version of J.D. Roth not capture erudite wit of real life J.D. Roth, game do feature Grog favorite part of TV show, which am kid on inline skate who am throw tomato at target.

2) Kabuki Quantum Fighter - In which 25 year old Colonel Scott O'Connor get he brain digitize into binary code to fight a virus that am infect Earth Defense Computer in the year 2056. When O'Connor undergo process that turn him digital, computer recognize in he DNA I guess that he great-grandfather use to be a Kabuki actor, and so it turn O'Connor digital avatar into Kabuki actor. Player primarily whip they hair at bad guy like Willow Smith. Am make total sense to young Grog.

3) The Untouchables - Am Grog favorite video game base Brian De Palma film which am also write by David Mamet. 'Nuff said.