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some popular some not so popular fics that i adore. asterisks are favs that i can't be normal about.

character study

rookie of the year by medric / @bluegrasshole*

rozanov – not on hockey / vdud' (eng) by werevolche / gotthesunshinex *

mosquito by gone_girl

au (hockey, or not)

vessel by medric / @bluegrasshole*

clear to a hedgehog by @magneticwave*

for the right reasons by @citrusses*

house of mirrors by ratherunnecessary

win and bear it by anonymous (public plea to please...update)

hurts so good (angst/whump)

penalties by @citrusses*

show me how to be whole again by @rozanohwell*

send me back a thousand days by @rozanohwell*

if only a prayer by absolutelyhollanov*

dogging by @radialarch

everything else (yum yum )

running down the hills by hockeyfinches

ballad of a bisexual terminator by pressuretoparty

torture me (with all i’ve wanted) by toomuchplor

like for like by @smugrobotics*

love takes a mile by corsi

that'll leave a mark by subcorax

forget there's any other place by anonymous

“are we hugging?!”

“absolutely not”

And then spent the whole night dancing with Nils:

When Ilya spends two full years flirting with and pursuing Shane, while Shane barely gives any indication he is still interested.

When Shane kisses Ilya on the forehead in Montreal and Ilya looks like he has been struck by lightning and says, "I should go."

When Shane approaches Ilya during the Olympics, in Russia, and Ilya tells him "We aren't anything." (Then, years later, in a hotel room in Tampa: "We aren't anything. We can't be.")

When Ilya meets Sasha in a bathroom and Sasha says, "Danger used to get you going" and Ilya rejects him to stare at the text from Shane instead.

When they meet in Vegas and Ilya tries so, so hard to keep distance between them, but fails again and again: cradling Shane in a public bathroom, unable to keep from touching him in a hotel room. (Although he is successful enough that Shane notices, because it is such unusual behavior from him: We didn't even kiss.)

When he cannot even look at Shane, as they are lying in bed in Vegas, after. (When, years later, Shane notices Ilya turning his face away from him and know this means Ilya is overwhelmed and trying not to cry.)

(When Ilya tells Shane, in Russian, "It's you. It's always been you. That's the worst part about all this. I'm so in love with you, and I don't know what to do about it.")

(When Shane asks Ilya, at the cottage: "Does it fucking kill you, too?"

He was polite most of the time, sure, he always tried to be Good but he had difficulty regulating his emotions and was prone to complete verbal shutdowns, high anxiety, and even violence when pushed past the breaking point.

School didn't always come easy to him, building connections with other children was extremely difficult, and there were more than a couple of instances where Yuna and David were called in because he had attacked another child, seemingly out of nowhere. Of course there were always reasons and explanations for what had triggered it but school administrators saw him as the instigator, because he was the one who made it physical.

The slightest change in routine could cause a meltdown that threw the entire day off.

He hated getting in trouble, despised feeling as though he was failing to meet the expectations of the adults around him. He just wanted to be good but he couldn't always control it and when he spiralled over not being good enough, he was prone to self-injury behaviours.