Anonymous Memoir

Being loyal or faithful

It doesn't come with race, ethnicity or gender..

I don't believe that loyalty or faithfulness is shaped by our races or gender.

You know that stereotype thing, that says, all guys are prone to cheating.

Well that doesnt apply to guys only, women do it too.

Every gender cheats.

It's not even about gender, its about wants/desires really, and the tendency for you to follow your wants/desires.

This race is more romantic than this race. Or that race is more abusive than that race. All this things are stereotype bullshit.

I've seen different races being romantic, i've seen different races being abusive.

You might have met more people of a certain race more romantic, but that doesnt mean your statistic is valid enough.

You've only met like maybe 2 or 3 people.

Even if you've met like 20 people still, theres like millions of people in this world.Unless you were able to compare each and everyone, then yes I will believe you.

Just like smoking cigaretes. The typical stereotype is that, if your family smokes, or your friends smokes, youd smoke too.

My dad grew up with a brother and a dad that smokes infront of his face all the time. Did my dad turn into a smoker? no.

My boyfriend, his mom and dad both smokes. Did he turn into a smoker? no.

He even tells me he has no desire to even do those things.

Do you see my point here? It's all has to do with desires and what you want.

People can just introduce you with something, but whether your gonna try it out or not, doesnt depend on them.

Its really all your decision. It's your decision to either give into the peer pressure. Or, take your own stand and be strict about it.

So you can't blame, oh im a smoker coz my friends influenced me to do it. OR I'm an abusive prick because my dad was abusive to me.

What you are doing now, who you are right now

It's all your decisions.

No one elses.

I respect people more if they were to own up to what they've done.

me: *points at something on menu*

waiter:

me:

waiter:

Friend count

Real Life = 2 ( no parents )

Internet = 1( hes my boyfriend ) 

god..

arent i lonely..

nah, i mean, lonely or alone means 0 friends..

i atleast have 3 haha..

but spiritualy, i have god..so thats 4..but..oh scratch that

im a big sinner...god probably doesnt consider me a friend....so..thats it just 3..

i feel like a huge loser right now after listing that out

...

Confession time!

My boyfriend and I, share our passwords to almost every account on the internet we have..

But, hes forgetful, so he rarely goes on mine..

But, he doesn't know how much of a crazy stalker I am..and how much crazy I'm in love with him...

I remembered all his passwords ( its too simple anyway i cant imagine how anybody would forget )

I always goes on his Skype account,

and just read his convos..

I know, youre like, *gasping* LOVE IS RESPECT.ORG! YOU"RE ABUSING HIM!..shut up..

Its only abusing if he doesnt allow it..

He totally gave me permissions to stalk him, im not even lying,

So, yea you can save your gasping and be jealous because I have such an amazing boyfriend taht understands my insecurity... >:D

any how..

his friend count are way bigger than mine..

sometimes when i read his convos...i felt like im also there with him, hanging out by his side while hes talking to his friends, and just be there..

sometimes i'd even imagine I'm good friends with them, and we all sit around a campfire, burning marshmallow and laughs at jokes..

he always wanted to invite me on his group chat...

but I refuse him like a total loser lol

im too shy..theyd hate me...no im not interesting..theyre more of your friend than mine...

excuses..excusees.......but thats how i really felt..

why cant i have a normal interesting life!!

I came back did i? To tell you about what happen earlier this day..on Sunday.

Hanging out was fun.

She's nice. It felt like as if we're both still in highschool. 

I feel like I'm taking a step forward. Into being sociable.

I read somewhere that, to be friends, you need to talk about deeper things, like, about each others dreams, aspirations, stuff like that.

I realise, I've been ignoring a friend, a real friend from highschool.

We used to share the same interest, talk about the bands we both in love with.

I realise, I've been talking less to her after highschool ends 4 years ago.

I never really talk about anything deeper, never ask about her dreams, aspirations and such. Rarely keep in touch.

The mental extra baggage ive been carried from school till college...

I hate it.

I want to change my mindset.

Not everyone is mean. But still they are mean people out there that will throw their shit at me sometimes..But! I don't have to dwell on it so much!

They said..weak hearts hurt others.

I wanna be strong.

Its little steps..but its cool..

On how much I hate those so call "best friends" who gets upset of their best friends who wants to hang out with their boyfriends more.

First of all, I think you are just jealous.

Second of all, Maybe you have never really fallen hard in love so you don't understand why shes says no when you ask her to hang out everytime.

Let me tell you something, they didn't do that on purpose.

Its just normal for someone to want to hang out more with someone they are dating with.

After all you are a friend, unless you have lesbians feelings for her, then why should you be jelous.

And we know that "honeymoon" phase doesnt last long. She'll come back to hang out with you after its over. If you really dying to hang out with her so bad than why not just be fucking patient.

If you are a true friend, you would try and understand.

You would know how being in love feels like.

And if you are a real friend you would still be friends with her no matter what happen.

Because real friends sticks together no matter what happen.

Im not saying by sticking together as in shes always near you, right beside you. As in, stick together mentally.

You dont own her. She's not your toy barbie that you had when you were 5 that you were so reluctant to share because you're stingy.

Shes a friend. A free human being. If she doesnt want to hang out, then thats fine. Would you rather her hang out with you half heartedly just to make you feel happy? Would you feel happy making her feel that way? 

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile eh?

My life, believe it or not, is still as boring as the apprentice show. I hate that show. haha

But..

This weekend wont be a normal one.

A friend ask me to hang out. This sunday. 

A part of me feels excited.

And another part of me feels super nervous and scared.

If i'm only meeting her, I wouldn't mind.

But shes bringing along her friends whom i didnt even know.

I just hope I wont feel left out..

Or worse yet they left me out..

She said don't worry, just be friendly..

pshht, believe me, I'm friendly..

But im cursed with the ability of being left out!

Ugh

I should just

Go there, enjoy myself, eat great food, have a few convos, take pictures and say my goodbyes. lol

oh and smile alot, yes thats it. Smiling will trick people into thinking youre a normal nice girl.

and another thing, be helpful. Super helpful.

Don't be shy to help and smile. And ask alot of questions.

To keep the convo going.

Oh diary..am i fucked this sunday?

I don't know..

I guess I'll be seeing you next monday..

for either a terrible entry..or a good happy entry..

I've been doing a little exercise here and there. Even though I couldn't say that its enough to be skinny. I'd still have a long way to go.

In terms of dieting, I realised that eating disorder is not something that you can just have. It's not something that you can do alone to have it. You have to be sick enough to be wanting it. I mean really sick enough. I wish I am sick enough. My love for food is too strong for me to even start eating healthily.. I can't strict my eating because I'm such a gluttony. I can't purge either because I'm not sick enough to do it. Why can't I just be skinny already. I've been carrying this load of fat shit all over my body since I was 9 and now I'm 21...I hate myself.

Dear Diary,

To be honest, If people compare my boyfriend and Tom Cruise in terms of looks. Majority would say that Tom Cruise wins.

But to me my boyfriend is always handsomer than any other guy really.

But in terms of loyalty and kindness, I don't think any guy could beat my boyfriend, ever.

Not even Tom Cruise.

Not even Johny Depp.

Not even Elvis Presley.

I'm a very insecure jealous woman.

If I have a guy that looks good and popular among girls,

I'd be bald by now ( ripping hair off my head out of frustration )

I'm glad because he is he.

And not somebody else.

I'm glad that he's mine and only mine.

I'm glad that he's not a flirt to anybody else.

I'm glad that he has never put me in a situation where I have to beg him to be mine.