Grantaireble

I should be Institutionalized

or

I’m so sad. About the election but also just about the state of my brain and life and I’m sitting here trying to get it together but every step I take it’s like I’m hanging on by a thinner and thinner thread

and the worst part is because I’m so used to trusting my brain it makes me not trust my friends and family and I can’t shake the feeling I’m being watched and judged or like experimented on or tested or at the very least hacked, but of course no one believes me because it’s not logical or realistic and I can’t even fully believe me, but I can’t completely disbelieve me either

And if I do talk about it everyone gets worried and starts acting weirder around me which just makes the paranoia that much worse and then people tell my mom and she gets upset so everyone is afraid to even bring it up

and I’m so far away from my friends and I miss them even though part of me so doesn’t trust them and I just don’t know how to continue on with my life like none of this has happened but talking about it freaks ppl out and alienates me more

And most of the time I can act like it’s not happening with my genuinely unhealthy ability to compartmentalize and at first I thought distracting myself would help but it’s always there in the back of my brain

Like someone is expecting me to do something but no one will say it to my face. Like there are weird secret rules I keep breaking and I’m being punished for it. Sometimes it literally feels like I’m being blackmailed into quitting all my habits/ vices or revealing all my secrets or “confessing my sins” or something

And so I have this baseline feeling of confusion and guilt and like betrayal at all times with no one to direct it at so it ends up turning back around on myself and I keep trying to be positive about things but it’s so hard when nothing feels certain or real