lyss

im starting to feel like the younger version of me again. when i use to sit in the classroom doorways during lunchtime singing to myself to occupy the time because i fit in everywhere but nowhere. i am only seen when people want to see me. no one thinks about me unless they want something. no one thinks alyssa might be interested in this, i want to do this with alyssa. god why dont people want to see me? ??????? why didnt anyone ever ask me to play??

i want to be soft and gentle but how do i do that when i am riddled with rage? how can the two coexist when no one is safe from my anger? not even me?

I sometimes fear i’m losing who i am to recreate myself for you, to make myself more loveable for you. Has it worked? Am i loveable? Am I enough? 

there is a corpse beside me. a thing that lived once but now dead. i didnt even pick it up, i didnt even pick it up. when did a life become so meaningless to me? does growing up mean becoming hostile to things that dont convenience me? how many times did i trample over it with no consideration, no second thought. this cant be me, this cant be life.

your birthday came up in my calendar today. its a small reminder my life still went on without you.

when will i earn back my happy memories without the stain of you infecting them?

for so long i begged my parents see how sad i was and that i needed help. and now that they know i wish they didn’t? u dont need to baby me and cry every-time im sad. ive dealt with this for 22 years and only now you care idk