Ad meliora

A change in scenery will continue to cycle if it weren't for a total overhaul internally.

May we seek the great perhaps.

I may be in a bad place mentally. Life seems bleak and difficult; honestly, I don't think I can survive any longer. My demons are acting up again -- stronger than ever. I feel immensely alone. Yes, even in a house of 4 other heads and even in wide array of friends to vent to. I don't want to upset them -- they have their own lives to bear. I don't want to worry them nor tell them the thoughts in my head. They deserve peace and better things in life. Sadly, I'm not any better. If my carcass rots, may I will be.

I don't know how want to look forward to. I don't know if there is even good to aim. I don't know if there's worth to life for. Fading into oblivion seems like a better idea.

I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm defeated to my bones.

Can anyone hear me now? Does anyone want to send help? Will anyone be able to tell me that there's something to look forward beyond the horizon?

Photos taken in Mackay, Australia (2013/2014)

familiar (n.)

I've tried approaching friends and retelling stories. Somehow, it doesn't add up. None of them will know the grief that I'm keeping -- this stringent tug of pain.

I can remember. I can recount. I can say it again and again. Ultimately, I know I am alone. Maybe, I just want a partner to lean on, a film to relate to or a song to give in.

My mom lectures me day and night to let me pray everyday. She puts me in a corner every time I try to eat my meal in peace -- sometimes to the point of disapproval and often times in disrespect. I usually shrug it off with a silly grin or a sigh and wishfully hoping she'd take the hint and leave. She does not see these. Or, quite frankly, maybe she ignores every bit of them. Mothers are always right after all. Aren't they?

Little does she know, I pray in my own little space, away from the qualms of theism. Little does she know, her disrespect towards my views are the reason why I whisper a soft plea to Him. Just enough for misfits and outcasts to have their own ways: in perfect harmony and liberty to navigate their own beliefs.

Faith in a higher being does not entail pushing a spoonful of verses to nonchalant individuals. Faith is acceptance in diversity and loving other people despite their different opinions on things. Faith is welcoming and non-intrusive; it knows boundaries and respects themfully. Faith is supposed to be genuine. It believes in the good and performs what's right -- for His word attributes caring for one another -- and not for winning a "blessed" seat in afterlife.

All I'm saying is.. maybe it's about time to let people be (as long as they haven't really done you wrong). I may not approve of their traditionalist ways, I will remain to respect it. I hope some people (esp. My Family) would stop shoving me their high seat in a table I don't want to be in it.

Everyone executes faith differently. It's about time we embrace it.

I want to write something cathartic to what I'm feeling. I have yet to find the right words to fit it in a box. I can't even find the right people to confide with. Hay, life.

Dulo ng Hangganan // IV of Spades

No one will ever know.