Yellow

kapag pagod na pagod na ako

naniniwala ka ba sa knight in shining armor? or sa tingin mo masyado siyang korni pakinggan dahil pambata ang mga ganung ideya? kasi ako, naniniwala ako sa mga ganun. alam kong matatawa ka kapag sinabi ko 'yan sa'yo pero gayunpaman, handa ka pa rin makinig sa rason kung bakit ko pinaniniwalaan ang mga ganung bagay.

alam mo ba bakit ako naniniwalang totoo sila? dahil sa'yo. alam kong itatanong mo sa akin kung seryoso ba ako, at oo. seryoso ako.

sa tuwing umuuwi akong luhaan dahil sa mga tukso ng mga kaklase natin noon, palagi kang nandiyan para samahan ako o kaya naman ipagtanggol ako. hindi mo hinahayaan na masaktan ako lalo na ng mga mararahas nilang salita.

sa tuwing hindi ko na kinakaya ang pagod na nararamdaman ko at pakiramdam ko sasabog na ako, nandiyan ka para makinig sa akin. para sabihan ako sa mga dapat at hindi ko dapat gawin at iwasan.

nandiyan ka para yakapin ako nang mahigpit at sabihing:

"nandito lang ako palagi sa tabi mo. handang makinig sa'yo."

tama pa bang init ng yakap mo

ang hinahanap ko

yakap mo ang naging dahilan kung bakit kinakaya ko lahat ng pagsubok. yakap mo ang nagsisilbing boses sa mga utak ko para sabihin kaya ko lahat, hindi dapat ako sumuko dahil malayo na at malayo pa ang mararating ko. yakap mo ang dahilan bakit nakakatulog ako nang mahimbing tuwing gabi. natutulog nang hindi nakakaramdam ng sama ng loob.

ngunit yakap din ang ibinigay mo sa akin sa huling pagkikita natin.

"So tell me about her."

"Tell you about who?"

"Your muse."

"My muse? You want to know something about my muse?"

"Yes, I do want to know something about her, if it is okay with you."

"That's lovely. Let me tell you something about the girl behind those words and lines I've written."

She is a girl who would question everything that exists in this planet. Annoying? I know, but no one can blame her. Like cats, she is interested in the beginning of everything in this world, in this universe. She was fascinated about the air and how it was made. Her curiosity lies in the creatures that inhabit in the deepest part of the ocean. She is fascinated about God and how He existed, if there is a God.

Above all, she is inquisitive about her own existence. Asking questions like why is she even breathing at all if she feels like she's dead inside? What were the reasons behind her sufferings? Does she deserves them? "Of course not," she says. "No one deserves this kind of life." She just needs one reason. One reason to stay alive and motivated. Be it a person, a food, a place, a thing, or an animal.

Until one day, she realized that she was here for herself. She was right here, living her life, kicking, and breathing for herself. She has been fighting for herself from the beginning of her own story.

"Who is she?"

"Hmm? What do you mean by that?"

"Your muse, who is she?"

"I am writing for myself."

Staring at the ceiling, feeling the voidness of my heart. There are far too many questions on my mind that I would like to ask but am unable to do so, so I remained silent. The exhaustion of my body as a result of nothing. All I know is that I want to vanish and go somewhere where no one knows who I am. I want to get away from all of these things that are bothering me.

They say life is beautiful, does that mean I have no life? They say look at the bright side, does that mean my life is nothing but darkness? Or am I living in different world from the other? The world I'm living in is nothing but an unfair world. Eyes looking at you, judging every move you make. Ears listening to every word you say. People sticking their noses to every decision you choose. This world is definitely a prison, I have no freedom.

If only I could runaway. If only I could disappear somewhere and pretend to be someone else. If only I have someone to lean on. If only I have reasons to stay happy—I'd be glad to hold them for the rest of my life.