They all leave at some point. No matter how many promises, no matter how much reassurance; they always leave. It's crazy that life works that way; like the concept of strangers again. Start off as strangers. Learn and get to know one another. Build a bond. Build trust. Then... life works it's magic. And boom. Strangers again. I guess it doesn't come to an end THAT bluntly. We grow apart and have differences; if we care enough, we fight. We end up drifting and instead of growing together we grow apart.
I thought I would get better with this. I'd like to think that I worked pretty hard and healed from things for me to get to the point of where I am now. I really tried to have faith and trust that this wouldn't keep happening.
I just feel that no matter how much I try and be a good ______; it's never good enough. I understand we outgrow people. People enter our lives for a reason; whether thats to teach us a lesson or for whatever other reason but it still hurts when we become strangers again. Maybe this is something that I'll never get used to. Maybe it's something I'll never be able to figure out how to cope with.
I tried so hard you know? To make time, to be present, to make myself available when they needed me (no matter where I was or what I was doing). I tried to keep the tradition going as best I could. I tried to make them smile on the darkest days and even darker nights. I kept my priorities in order to keep them a priority.. just to find out I didn't even make it to their list. I tried.
I guess I worked and healed to the point where I trusted and I did have faith. did. I took the risk and thought it would be different somehow. Their so good with verbal reassurance. Words don't ever really hold weight with me but for some reason I took the chance. Of course, actions didn't match. I really trusted this time would be different. They still tell me pretty often that they won't leave but they say that as they walk towards the door.
I would never force or ask anyone to stay. I guess I'm stuck in between wanting to "fight" for the ship or let it unfold in whatever way that is. I'm not sure what to do. I haven't figured this part out yet. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I don't know what to do.
The only thing I do know - I'd never leave. I'm confused, hurt, and upset; yes. No matter what, I said I would never leave. No matter how confused, hurt and upset I may be - I'm still here and that'll never change.
