Goodbye, Trees!

I spent yesterday night by my lonesome, for the most part, to take a stroll. It was to help my body ease into labour as tomorrow is supposedly my due date. I started off looking for a sandwich because I was famished. I found a place I had never been to before and settled, though reluctantly. It was fine until I kind of started freaking out by the very last portion of my sandwich because the meat wasn’t, well, well-done. Pregnant people aren’t supposed to consume raw meat. I started growing anxious, calling a bunch of people for reassurance, talking to the staff, and ended up calling my grandfather to see if he can talk some sense into me. I started to believe that he did, and calmed myself down by thinking that the nearest hospital is literally 5 minutes away.

I left the place and started to walk. I can see the people I pass with their surprised faces because my tattoos were exposed. I remembered why I hate most people and whatever it is they tend to stand for. It’s easy to ignore all that until you inwardly snap because a bunch of guys working on, what I believe to be, the sewage system verbally harass you for looking the way you do, at 9 months pregnant. I just kept walking with my head down and forced myself to feel sorry for them.

After looking around some stores to pass time, I met up with my aunt for errands and dinner. I was still quite full but stuffed myself anyway because you’re supposed to. Our meeting was brief, and I found myself alone again after a while. I went to drop off a shopping bag in the car because it was starting to physically weigh me down. Last minute baby stuff. Then, I went on to get a few groceries - crazy groceries as I called them because it’s from the health goods shop. I appreciated the time alone for the sheer practicality and/or efficiency, but loathed it too because, well, I was alone and that meant a bunch of things.

It took a while before I realized that I haven’t been alone all this time because I was carrying a quiet little person in my stomach. That eased my night a little bit, though I felt sorry for her because she was probably feeling sorry for me this early in her life. I kept walking until the stores closed.

Somehow I ended up spending the last hour of the night rolling joints for three guys who decided they wanted to get high. I should be tired and already sleeping, but I was wide awake. As they laughed and enjoyed themselves, I wondered why they wouldn’t just use my pipe. I wondered how my brother was doing because my husband kept talking about my brother. He keeps telling me that we will visit soon. As soon as it is financially possible. At this point I kind of just wanted to go home and take a shower.

While this will not take home the trophy for most emotional shower, it was still pretty dramatic. As productive as it was, I’m not convinced to feel good about my day. I felt guilt. I felt loneliness. I felt out of place numerous times. I felt scared. I felt the void left by people who have moved on away from me over time. I felt unhappy.

Before I finally fell asleep, I gathered my thoughts if only to personally simmer down. I realized that I don’t feel in control of my own life. So much is happening but I find that all I want to do is stay still and catch my breath. Interacting with people drains me. Buying things, even those ones that you need, never seems to solve anything. There’s always something about life that is seemingly left undone that is somehow transmuted into that empty space in your heart after a few brain cells work their magic. This got to me at some point during last night. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.