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hey friends! i posted an update video if you’re interested.

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I got MARRIED last month guys. I made it through the wedding!!

Lots of other things are happening in my life. Some good, unfortunately some bad. But I’m getting there.

Look at my husband!!!

Hey friends!! I’m still alive if you were wondering - I’m getting married in less than a month and it’s been such a stupidly stressful time. Truthfully, things haven’t been going well recovery-wise. It’s been a real struggle. But I’m back on my meds, seeing my therapist weekly, and going to groups. TRULY wish this had waited until after the wedding but eating disorders have a funny way of not giving a shit if a relapse is “inconvenient” (as if there’s ever a convenient relapse). I quit my job. A lot of really awful things happened there and to be frank, I’m pretty traumatized by the whole experience. I’m making jewelry again and focusing on getting myself back together before the wedding. I hope you’re all doing well!

#recovery

THREE MONTHS after beginning my job search, I received an offer letter today from a women’s residential substance abuse treatment facility and I’m GEEKING y’all. I want to frame the offer letter. Everything is good right now.

i have my second interview at the hotel tomorrow!! it’s actually a really nice place despite the super weird yelp reviews lol. i’m not really sure what an administrative assistant does at a hotel but it can’t be that awful, right?

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I have an interview today (the first interview I’ve gotten since trying to find a job for MONTHS) for an office assistant position at a hotel & convention center. i found the listing on craigslist. they pretty much only host BDSM and medical marijuana conferences. they have 1 star on yelp. honestly??? i’m LIVING and i better get this job.

#i've been trying to get a job in social services but if this is where i end up i won't be mad lol

enter: me complaining like a baby (as usual)

so i’ve spent the last two weeks, every single day, trying to perfect a macaron recipe for an apartment-wide christmas cookie contest (the three highest scores get money off of January’s rent). I’ve been applying to jobs with no luck so I thought this would be my chance to contribute to our finances and I felt REALLY good about my submission. i delicately piped each cookie, handpainted holly on each one, and filled them with fresh cranberry buttercream. i thought they were nearly perfect tbh.

i didn’t even fucking place :)

what do y’all think of Whole30? I’m not, by any means, trying to go on a “diet” but my current intake is FULL of processed foods (which is leading to a lot of lethargy and, I believe, worsening depressive symptoms). I like the idea of challenging myself to eat whole foods for 30 days, and I appreciate that Whole30 has a strict “no scale” policy (I’ve been weighing every day for a while now and I know that’s really counterproductive to my recovery). I think I’m in a place where I could do Whole30 safely, but I also don’t know if I’m just trying to justify the idea of it. Would I be committing a recovery sin if I try the program? There’s no counting calories or macros, but there are “rules.” But honestly...I kind of feel like I could use some temporary rules right now. I feel pretty out of control with my eating and Whole30 is all about developing a healthier relationship with food over the course of 30 days.

What do you guys think? I need some third parties to tell me if this is a bad idea or not and/or what steps would I need to take to make the program more recovery-friendly.

#whole30

thinkin’ that i want to do a holiday cookie series because i’ve been baking so much lately (coping lmao) and i’ve got some FIRE recipes

I went last night and it was pretty fun! Tbh I got kind of overwhelmed but I think I handled it okay. I think we're going to Ann Arbor tonight to get drinks with a few people from Austin's work, too. And on Sunday we're going to go to church (lmao). I'm really trying to get out of my comfort zone and honestly I deserve an award if I make it through this weekend.

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one of austin’s coworkers invited me to a girl’s night at her house tonight (i don’t know her or anyone who is going to be there) and i’m suuuuuper anxious about it but i’m going to go!! i know that i have to put the effort into meeting people and making friends and i’m going to try really hard not to fuck it up lol. isn’t that really nice of her tho? inviting someone she doesn’t know to her house?? i’m shook + touched.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has reached out to me! I'm truly so thankful for the support. I'm making the conscious decision to have a good day today because, dammit, I'm in charge of myself and I'm capable of challenging negative thoughts.

feeling pretty nostalgic today so here’s a read more for old time’s sake!!!

i should be so happy right now. i’m marrying the best person on this whole planet, we’re (relatively) financially secure, i live in a great city, i’m starting school in january.

so like, why am i fucking miserable? (depression - depression is the answer to that question).

okay, cool, so i know the answer to the question. now why can’t i do anything about it? i know what i need to do. i need to talk to austin and i need to get back into therapy and probs get back on some medicine. and i’m doing none of those things.

i feel like such a failure for not being happy.

i’ve been applying to jobs for 2 months and i haven’t even gotten an interview yet and you know what? it’s....really getting to me!

i just applied to my LITERAL DREAM JOB working with at-risk and homeless teenagers and holy shit guys if i don’t get it i’m probably going to die!

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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(this is the only post I’ll make about my current professional crafting endeavors bc I’m trying something new where I keep my private life and professional life separate lol imagine that)

If anyone’s curious about what I’ve been up to in Michigan, I’ve been doing a lot of craft shows and started a new Etsy called Annastella. I’m doing mostly minimalist jewelry, some crochet, and even some recovery jewelry to stay true to my roots haha.

#recovery

I also got a wedding dress today 😭

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