electric boogaloo

Characters: Gon Freecs, Killua Zoldyck, Leorio Paladiknight, Wing (Hunter X Hunter), Zushi (Hunter X Hunter), Biscuit Krueger, Alluka Zoldyck, Mito Freecs, Ging Freecs, Kaito | Kite (Hunter X Hunter), Original Female Character(s), Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter), Illumi Zoldyck 

Think of it this way.

You have a friend, a best friend in the whole world who wanted to go everywhere with you, who essentially saved your life. They have emotions that burn bright, but that’s what you love about them. However, they experience loss like they’ve never felt before, and their bright emotions become extremely dangerous towards everyone, including themself. You watch them start to implode, and you’re trying to do whatever you can to help them, but your efforts aren’t working on them like they worked on you. So while they helped you by caring for you, and you’ve determined to stick by them through everything, your care for them isn’t enough to help them, so you question if they actually viewed you as an equal or cared about you enough to push through the darkness for them (this line of thinking is flawed and situation often extremely nuanced, but it’s a natural one to have for people who don’t have significant understandings of these scenarios).

Whether Killua wanted to acknowledge it directly or not, I believe he could tell for a long time that Gon was either going to kill someone he regretted or himself, and Gon was cutting Killua off from his chance to help him this one final time. That is what his rejection was. He may have done it from a place of wanting to keep Killua safe, but that line of reasoning also is very flimsy to me when i consider there being two other royal guards and hostile chimeras everywhere who were just as dangerous that he left Killua with, not to mention that generally I don’t think he was in the state of mind to consider this. I believe Gon didn’t want Killua there because Gon almost fully blamed and hated himself for Kite’s loss, not because he was worried for Killua’s life, re: “this doesn’t concern you” + his spiral before he makes his covenant. Kite’s loss has been internalized as Gon’s fault. Gon was spiraling with this for months, and his grief caused him to stop considering the people who cared for him. Gon, also, did not care for human life at ALL while in that state, evidenced by his treatment of Komugi. I don’t believe that, in that moment, he cared much for human life, his or others. He was completely clouded. This is why Killua, while hurt by it, was desperate to stay by him and make sure he didn’t end his own or others innocent lives. Gon’s complete shut down of this was like watching the last tethers of your loved one slip from your hands, watching them become someone they never wanted to be if not losing them entirely.

Killua wanted to be given that chance to snap him out of it, that importance as Gon’s best friend and someone Gon needed to keep him tethered to earth (like always—“I do stupid things, you talk me out of them”, Killua is his tether); instead he was shut down and, when Gon rejected his help with this, he knew metaphorically that he’d lost Gon right then and there. Killua wasn’t being his tether anymore, so Gon didn’t need him. To Killua, Gon had let his blind hatred and pain overtake his connection to Killua (as well as his respect for Killua’s opinions, but— god there’s so much to these scenes it’s insane). Thus, Killua begged Palm to call out Gon’s name, that maybe she would have a chance to save him from his darkness and be his tether, that Gon’s care for Palm might bring him back to himself, but it was still too late.

Idk if you were lookin for a monologue but those scenes I’ve picked apart so much so a monologue is what you’ve gotten (sorry), those scenes get me every time. feel free to disagree tho, this is just what I’ve picked up.

To Killua, love is something he had to work for. He wasn’t raised with it, and he was never taught to view love as a positive thing, yet once he leaves home he chases it. He chooses to be good and to love over and over again because he literally has to. Loving is never simple to him, it is always a choice that he makes. Of course, he feels it as well, but in relation to his upbringing, he understands it is not something that he can JUST feel. In the face of overwhelming adversity and contrary emotions, he chooses— or at least tries to choose— love. He diverges from the plan in the CAA to ensure Ikalgo stays safe; he chooses love even when it opposes his own plans. Against all his strongest feelings, all of his fear and his despair, he rips the needle out, and chooses to continue loving Gon. Even in the end, Killua steps away from Gon, someone he still treasures dearly, and chooses to pursue loving himself and his sister.

To Gon, love is a feeling. Love is something that pushes and pulls him around, it’s something that is natural and innate. Of course he went after Killua, it was only natural. Of course he helps his friends. Of course he is going to bring Killua with him. However, because it is only a feeling, the moment a stronger feeling or drive takes its place, that love he had fades to the background. Love is a feeling that comes and goes rather than a choice to pursue. the moment he is faced with overwhelming grief, he shuts down everything else in his view to focus on his revenge. The moment something or someone more intriguing comes along, his prior love dwindles in the face of the new exciting emotions, and then return when he has completed what he wants. Gon did not understand love as a choice, only as an emotion. In the end, he begins to understand the complexity of love, but by this point it is too late for them. He hurt his best friend, and knows he has to let him go.

This is exactly why he is also said to be like the Troupe and somewhat animalistic, while Killua, despite the blood on his hands, is not. Ultimately, this trait is why Gon could regress in the way he did when he lost someone so dear to him. This is also part of the reason why Gon could accuse Killua of not caring as much. Gon knows Killua does love, that he cares deeply, but he does not love in the same explosive way that Gon does, and Gon, in his pain, lashes out at him for it.

Killua chooses Gon because he has always known love to be a choice alongside his feelings, while Gon chooses Killua when his strongest feelings align with it. In times of easy laughter, these differences are negligible, but when their complicated situations arise, it’s still a fundamentally different perspective that splinters the balance of their relationship.

Characters: Gon Freecs, Killua Zoldyck, Leorio Paladiknight, Wing (Hunter X Hunter), Zushi (Hunter X Hunter), Biscuit Krueger, Alluka Zoldyck, Mito Freecs, Ging Freecs, Kaito | Kite (Hunter X Hunter), Original Female Character(s), Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter)