try the rizzle if you dare

My worthless service dog that has seizures every time I do

this book I’m reading on female evolution for some reason uses bill and hillary clinton as examples of the typical differences between male and female vocal structures and the author is like “imagine if bill clinton had a throat sac like an ape which caused his voice to resonate” don’t say that? I don’t want to imagine that?

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

Set a timer for five seconds. Then, every billion years, take a single step forward. Once you've walked the entire way around the world, take a single drop of water out of the Pacific ocean. Then repeat walking around the earth, still taking a billion years between each step, and once the ocean is fully drained, place a piece of paper on the ground and refill the ocean. If you continue this method of taking a single step every billion years, draining the ocean, and placing a paper until the stack of paper reaches the sun, then repeat that one thousand more times, you will only be one third of the way through your five second timer

was waiting for the elevator in the middle of taking out all the trash and a resident came out of her apartment like OH GOOD! maybe i can show you this weird bug that was in my BEDROOM! so i follow her and she gets out a magnifying glass and shows me a dead pillbug on a napkin. im like thats incredible ma'am thank you for letting me use the magnifying glass. she says "i told my creepy kids about the bug and they didn't even call me!" and this sentence is tunneling into my brain so bad theres a physical pressure

its kind of sad that bugs are so weak. it dishonors their noble biology. i guess this is is why crustaceans are so admirable. imagine for a moment, an unsquishable bug. such is the way of the crab

Oh, I’ve had that one. Go with “yes.” Don’t give them a number, just say “Yes.” Then they still have to offer a number and you can deny it without contradicting yourself. They could just ask you, at that point, but that’s suspiciously similar to saying they don’t know, and they tend to avoid doing that.

Reblog to save a life

if you scroll past this just because it doesn’t affect you personally, i see you.

I think flinching is such a hit or miss reflex. Like yea a tiny bit of boiling water touched my hand but i dont think reflexivly throwing the water everywhere is a good defensive measure perhaps. might be even worse actually

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

the reason that wounds that break the skin hurt is because its always supposed to be dark inside your body and when your blood sees sunlight for the first time it gets scared. and that causes the pain. or maybe it doesnt