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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@golfofficial

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whenever i need a hug the most, instead of asking for one, i get in the bath
the warmth surrounds me and i donāt feel guilty about it
asking the people i love for the support i need is too intimidating and worrisome
i donāt want them to feel like they have to fix me
even if they tried they couldnāt
too far gone, too broken
i want to fix myself, but i donāt know how
how do i train my brain to want to live?
iāve always felt ugly
inadequate, undesirable, unworthy of love
things like acne, scars, stretch marks, fat rolls, an enormous double chin make looking in the mirror a challenge
itās also a challenge to hate your appearance when you love someone
how i can believe that someone could love me when this is the way i look? ļæ¼
itās embarrassing that i am who i am
the person i love calls me beautiful, they call me sexy, they call me gorgeous
why donāt i believe them?
HUNTER SCHAFER by Ryan McGinley | Vogue Magazineās rising stars for 2020
Belladonna of Sadness (1973, dir. Eiichi Yamamoto)

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i donāt think the pressure of having to wake up and get out of bed every day will ever ease up. i donāt think my brain and body will ever find peace. i think iāll be at war with myself for the rest of my life. and i think iāll always want to die.
i want to feel completely free of stressors. i want to be able to take a full, deep breath into my lungs without feeling suffocated. i want to feel light, like iām flying. i feel so heavy. every day iām weighed down more and more. i would literally fucking die to get this shit off my shoulders.Ā
my entire experience of life has been a cloud of anxiety and doubt hanging above my head wherever i go. some days itās a storm. some days itās a big, white, fluffy cloud. some days itās gray, lil sprinkles of drizzling rain. no matter the mood of the day, itās always looming. always daunting, always reminding me that anxiety isnāt always routine. iāll be in the best mood, and suddenly, 45 minutes into my shift at work, iām on the dirty bathroom floor trying to catch my breath. sheās unpredictable at times.Ā
i feel reluctant to tell people when iām struggling. sometimes itās too much to put on their plate. my friends have other things that are much more important that they have to worry about, and my family wouldnāt provide me with the support i need even if i were to reach out. i donāt want to come across as damaged. i donāt want to be added to the list of ābrokenā people youāve come across that you cut out of your life. i want to need myself. and only myself.Ā
iāve never felt more unloved by the people in my life
i feel so uncared for. unimportant.Ā
but if i express that, iām being needy and dramatic.Ā
i want to be loved!!!!!! i want to feel supported!!!!!!!! i want a hug every once in a while. a compliment for no reason. to be asked how iām doing and be genuinely listened to. my thoughts and feelings and concerns to be taken into consideration, and for them to be applied.Ā
i always feel like iām asking for too much. too needy. too dramatic. too selfish.
i always love more than the other party. thatās why itās difficult for me to open my heart up and let people get their grasp on it. fearful that iāll look like a fucking idiot. i always do.Ā
iām not sure my needs will ever be met by anyone. my heart will always be slowly crushed by the ones i love. iāll always be the person that takes care of others, never taken care of.Ā
i just want to be held for a little while.
nothing is more lonely than growing up without your mother. especially as a woman.Ā
i yearn for the feeling of having motherly support. i try to find that in other family members, friendās mothers, coworkers, etc. any support system i can latch on to, i latch on tightly. i listen to every word of advice they give, i cherish every form of affection they show, i mentally write a list of every praise they give. but itās never made me feel any less lonely.Ā
i feel unwanted jealousy at times. toward members of my family that have their mother around. toward friends that complain to me about their mothers. toward coworkers whose mothers will bring them small gifts or food to work for no particular reason. the anger and frustration of it all hasnāt disintegrated. i end up feeling guilty and ashamed of myself but that doesnāt make those feelings go away. what happened isnāt any of their fault. so why do i get so fucking angry at them for it?
i want nothing more than to be able to come home from work and vent to my mother about the psychotic customers iāve dealt with that day. i want to ask for advice about relationships. i want to share my achievements and hear from you how proud you are of me. i want to cry in your arms after a hard day of dealing with my anxiety and negative thoughts. i want to get cute little matching tattoos. i want to color our hair together. watch horror movies together. go to concerts together. i want to know what itās like to be loved by my mom. and iāll never be able to experience that.Ā
17 years after your passing and iām just now starting to process how itās affected me. so crazy how understanding trauma and healing from it works. i can actually sleep through the night now. for years i would wake up with my heart about to burst in my chest and i would just sob all night long. horrific images of the day i found you after you had lost your life. your pale skin. how cold you felt. i remember how your eyelashes rested atop your cheeks as i stared at your face waiting to see your eyes open and for you to smile at me. i remember how i grabbed hold of your hand and how stiff it was. your nails were painted purple. my favorite color. i remember being confused and not understanding the screaming and the sirens. cold and lonely is all i knew after that. itās all i continue to know.
although iāve come to terms with you being gone, the pain hasnāt let up. itās actually been increasingly worse the more i accept it. some days feel numb. some days feel like iām being hit by a goddamn truck. but i take it day by day. i know this is something iāll carry with me until i die. and thatās okay. because itās for you.Ā
I prefer intimate conversations, where intelligence is in there as well. Where you can talk about things, such as sex, politics, spirituality, music, art, pain, healing and so on. But it takes an open mind and heart to have that type of communication.

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new yearās resolutions are stupid and overplayed, right? then why do i always feel the need to make my own list?Ā
iāve found it easier over the years for me to set small, short term goals for myself rather than to think about the long term. i used to have life goals when i was a child. as i got older, i realized that i donāt know what the fuck i want to do with my future. i donāt know where iām headed. i donāt know what i want my career to be. i canāt think of one single thing i would want to do with the rest of my life. and iām coming to terms with being okay with that.Ā
iāve always felt shitty about myself that all of my friends are in college and they have their futures planned out and theyāre excited for their achievements etc etc etc. i know school isnāt for everyone. but is there anything for me? itās confusing when you donāt have one solid thing youāre passionate about. that you know you would be content doing for the rest of your life. one thing you wouldnāt feel guilty about being in thousands of dollars of debt for. maybe one day iāll figure it out. maybe not.Ā
part of it may have to do with the fact that i genuinely didnāt think i would make it past my teen years. my mind was in such a dark place as a teenager, i was so focused on what was going on in my brain and preoccupied with self destruction that i didnāt even think living to be an adult was an option.Ā
the number one thing iām most wanting to work on this year is taking care of myself. my body and my mind. i want to feel healthy within my body. i want to feel happy within my mind. i want to eat better and more often. i sometimes will go days without eating a meal. i need to stop drinking so much caffeine, it just heightens my anxiety to a thousand percent. go to the doctor more often. donāt ignore the pain i feel in my body (especially my back, youāre about to be 23 for fucks sake. your back should not hurt this much.) i donāt want to continue to ignore the obsessive thoughts i have swimming in my brain. i need to start consecutively going to therapy and taking the tools iām given to better my mind state. i deserve healthiness. i deserve happiness. and so do the people involved in my life. they deserve the best version of me.Ā
this year i want to write more often. i want to experience more. i want to let my stress go. i want to be more open to trying new things. i want to be open to loving more. i know some of these things take time, and i may not be exactly where i want to be at the end of 2020, but some progress is better than none, right?Ā
miki kim
iām always disappointed.Ā
i find myself looking for affirmation from others, and iām continuously disappointed by doing so. the words i need to hear arenāt ever spoken. why do i need that from others? the past trauma iāve been dealt with leaves me in constant search of reassurance and validation and affirmation. i know this is something i need to work on and i know that it isnāt healthy. i know itās exhausting for the other party. i know that itās going to end up driving people away.
this year iām going to work on giving that to myself. try to halt the negative thoughts that run through my mind. speak nicer to myself. validate myself. reassure myself. affirm myself. remind myself that iām the shit. because i know what i need to be told in order to feel loved and important. nobody else does. iām the best person for the job.
i want to love myself for who i am. i want to feel whole. and i want to find that within myself.Ā
happy new year.Ā
is my life going to be filled with sadness forever?
i just want to feel peace. peace within myself and the relationships i have. my anxiety and mistrust in people is making me sick. i want to trust. i want to love freely. i want to let myself be loved. the pressure i consistently put on myself is unhealthy, i know that. i need to go back to therapy.Ā
iāve convinced myself iām incapable of being loved. iāve convinced myself that every person i even remotely begin to have interest in is going to leave me in one way or another. iām in constant fear that iām going to be abandoned in times of need. and iām falling in love. no, iām in love. with an incredible man. heās so beautiful and kind and thoughtful and intelligent and just an overall light in my life. so why do i not want to let myself love him? why does my brain make me focus on the negative instead of relishing in the positives?Ā
heās so independent. i can learn so much from him, and i already am. i aim to be the person he is. iāve only known him a little over two months and i admire this man. iām so terrified heās going to break my heart. heās in the position to. iām just waiting on him to decide heās bored of me and that will be that. iāll be left broken once again. heās told me about how he sees a future for us, about how he wants me forever. thatās nothing i havenāt heard before. i want him. i want to build a life and a future with him. does he really want that with me?Ā
i want to trust him. i want to not be afraid of being hurt. i want to love him openly and fully. i need to get to the point where iām not paranoid that his feelings about me have changed. iām going to push him away if i donāt get control of my emotions. just like i do with everyone i love. iām too much for them. i just need my anxiety and my worries eased. i know i ask for too much a lot. i feel so selfish.Ā
Harry Styles for āFine Lineā album shoot. Photographed by Tim Walker.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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āsometimes you have to move on from people without closureā
cutting people out of my life is so difficult for me, even when iām aware of their toxicity. i just always want to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. i know this is a weakness of mine. i just recently had to cut someone off for the sake of my mental health and it was so difficult for me. it still is. i know it was one hundred percent for the best, so why is it so hard for me to let it go? why do i still feel so guilty for it?
i think iāll always be the person that cares for others more. whether thatās in a romantic sense, or a friendship, or even my own family. i always feel like iām giving more energy than iām getting back. i care about people with my whole heart and soul. iād do anything for the people i love. drop whatever iām doing and be there for them. anything for them to be happy. i wonder if iāll ever find someone like that for me.
i wonder if iāll ever be loved. properly. fully and unconditionally loved by someone. my brain canāt comprehend that. unable to imagine a lifetime where iām appreciated and cared for in a healthy way. i hope one day i can know what that feels like.