単独で

the warmth surrounds me and i don’t feel guilty about it

asking the people i love for the support i need is too intimidating and worrisome

i don’t want them to feel like they have to fix me

even if they tried they couldn’t

too far gone, too broken

i want to fix myself, but i don’t know how

inadequate, undesirable, unworthy of love

things like acne, scars, stretch marks, fat rolls, an enormous double chin make looking in the mirror a challenge

it’s also a challenge to hate your appearance when you love someone

how i can believe that someone could love me when this is the way i look? 

it’s embarrassing that i am who i am

the person i love calls me beautiful, they call me sexy, they call me gorgeous

i want to feel completely free of stressors. i want to be able to take a full, deep breath into my lungs without feeling suffocated. i want to feel light, like i’m flying. i feel so heavy. every day i’m weighed down more and more. i would literally fucking die to get this shit off my shoulders. 

my entire experience of life has been a cloud of anxiety and doubt hanging above my head wherever i go. some days it’s a storm. some days it’s a big, white, fluffy cloud. some days it’s gray, lil sprinkles of drizzling rain. no matter the mood of the day, it’s always looming. always daunting, always reminding me that anxiety isn’t always routine. i’ll be in the best mood, and suddenly, 45 minutes into my shift at work, i’m on the dirty bathroom floor trying to catch my breath. she’s unpredictable at times. 

i feel so uncared for. unimportant. 

but if i express that, i’m being needy and dramatic. 

i want to be loved!!!!!! i want to feel supported!!!!!!!! i want a hug every once in a while. a compliment for no reason. to be asked how i’m doing and be genuinely listened to. my thoughts and feelings and concerns to be taken into consideration, and for them to be applied. 

i always feel like i’m asking for too much. too needy. too dramatic. too selfish.

i always love more than the other party. that’s why it’s difficult for me to open my heart up and let people get their grasp on it. fearful that i’ll look like a fucking idiot. i always do. 

i’m not sure my needs will ever be met by anyone. my heart will always be slowly crushed by the ones i love. i’ll always be the person that takes care of others, never taken care of. 

i yearn for the feeling of having motherly support. i try to find that in other family members, friend’s mothers, coworkers, etc. any support system i can latch on to, i latch on tightly. i listen to every word of advice they give, i cherish every form of affection they show, i mentally write a list of every praise they give. but it’s never made me feel any less lonely. 

i feel unwanted jealousy at times. toward members of my family that have their mother around. toward friends that complain to me about their mothers. toward coworkers whose mothers will bring them small gifts or food to work for no particular reason. the anger and frustration of it all hasn’t disintegrated. i end up feeling guilty and ashamed of myself but that doesn’t make those feelings go away. what happened isn’t any of their fault. so why do i get so fucking angry at them for it?

i want nothing more than to be able to come home from work and vent to my mother about the psychotic customers i’ve dealt with that day. i want to ask for advice about relationships. i want to share my achievements and hear from you how proud you are of me. i want to cry in your arms after a hard day of dealing with my anxiety and negative thoughts. i want to get cute little matching tattoos. i want to color our hair together. watch horror movies together. go to concerts together. i want to know what it’s like to be loved by my mom. and i’ll never be able to experience that. 

17 years after your passing and i’m just now starting to process how it’s affected me. so crazy how understanding trauma and healing from it works. i can actually sleep through the night now. for years i would wake up with my heart about to burst in my chest and i would just sob all night long. horrific images of the day i found you after you had lost your life. your pale skin. how cold you felt. i remember how your eyelashes rested atop your cheeks as i stared at your face waiting to see your eyes open and for you to smile at me. i remember how i grabbed hold of your hand and how stiff it was. your nails were painted purple. my favorite color. i remember being confused and not understanding the screaming and the sirens. cold and lonely is all i knew after that. it’s all i continue to know.

i’ve found it easier over the years for me to set small, short term goals for myself rather than to think about the long term. i used to have life goals when i was a child. as i got older, i realized that i don’t know what the fuck i want to do with my future. i don’t know where i’m headed. i don’t know what i want my career to be. i can’t think of one single thing i would want to do with the rest of my life. and i’m coming to terms with being okay with that. 

i’ve always felt shitty about myself that all of my friends are in college and they have their futures planned out and they’re excited for their achievements etc etc etc. i know school isn’t for everyone. but is there anything for me? it’s confusing when you don’t have one solid thing you’re passionate about. that you know you would be content doing for the rest of your life. one thing you wouldn’t feel guilty about being in thousands of dollars of debt for. maybe one day i’ll figure it out. maybe not. 

part of it may have to do with the fact that i genuinely didn’t think i would make it past my teen years. my mind was in such a dark place as a teenager, i was so focused on what was going on in my brain and preoccupied with self destruction that i didn’t even think living to be an adult was an option. 

the number one thing i’m most wanting to work on this year is taking care of myself. my body and my mind. i want to feel healthy within my body. i want to feel happy within my mind. i want to eat better and more often. i sometimes will go days without eating a meal. i need to stop drinking so much caffeine, it just heightens my anxiety to a thousand percent. go to the doctor more often. don’t ignore the pain i feel in my body (especially my back, you’re about to be 23 for fucks sake. your back should not hurt this much.) i don’t want to continue to ignore the obsessive thoughts i have swimming in my brain. i need to start consecutively going to therapy and taking the tools i’m given to better my mind state. i deserve healthiness. i deserve happiness. and so do the people involved in my life. they deserve the best version of me. 

i find myself looking for affirmation from others, and i’m continuously disappointed by doing so. the words i need to hear aren’t ever spoken. why do i need that from others? the past trauma i’ve been dealt with leaves me in constant search of reassurance and validation and affirmation. i know this is something i need to work on and i know that it isn’t healthy. i know it’s exhausting for the other party. i know that it’s going to end up driving people away.

this year i’m going to work on giving that to myself. try to halt the negative thoughts that run through my mind. speak nicer to myself. validate myself. reassure myself. affirm myself. remind myself that i’m the shit. because i know what i need to be told in order to feel loved and important. nobody else does. i’m the best person for the job.

i want to love myself for who i am. i want to feel whole. and i want to find that within myself. 

i just want to feel peace. peace within myself and the relationships i have. my anxiety and mistrust in people is making me sick. i want to trust. i want to love freely. i want to let myself be loved. the pressure i consistently put on myself is unhealthy, i know that. i need to go back to therapy. 

i’ve convinced myself i’m incapable of being loved. i’ve convinced myself that every person i even remotely begin to have interest in is going to leave me in one way or another. i’m in constant fear that i’m going to be abandoned in times of need. and i’m falling in love. no, i’m in love. with an incredible man. he’s so beautiful and kind and thoughtful and intelligent and just an overall light in my life. so why do i not want to let myself love him? why does my brain make me focus on the negative instead of relishing in the positives? 

he’s so independent. i can learn so much from him, and i already am. i aim to be the person he is. i’ve only known him a little over two months and i admire this man. i’m so terrified he’s going to break my heart. he’s in the position to. i’m just waiting on him to decide he’s bored of me and that will be that. i’ll be left broken once again. he’s told me about how he sees a future for us, about how he wants me forever. that’s nothing i haven’t heard before. i want him. i want to build a life and a future with him. does he really want that with me? 

cutting people out of my life is so difficult for me, even when i’m aware of their toxicity. i just always want to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. i know this is a weakness of mine. i just recently had to cut someone off for the sake of my mental health and it was so difficult for me. it still is. i know it was one hundred percent for the best, so why is it so hard for me to let it go? why do i still feel so guilty for it?

i think i’ll always be the person that cares for others more. whether that’s in a romantic sense, or a friendship, or even my own family. i always feel like i’m giving more energy than i’m getting back. i care about people with my whole heart and soul. i’d do anything for the people i love. drop whatever i’m doing and be there for them. anything for them to be happy. i wonder if i’ll ever find someone like that for me.