i do enjoy the freedom and feeling of travelling alone, still. it gives me time to hear myself clearly and completely. and i have the feeling that this will be one if not the last time i do a solo trip in a long long time

at home i have been organising my clothes. i bought pants that were too big by accident, on vinted, this rarely happens. i caught myself putting them on the dark hidden top shelf of my old wooden closet, thinking “maybe they will be nice to have if one day i’m pregnant”.

a few weeks ago, just as i expected and prepared myself to get a message from him that would say “my daughter isn’t doing great, i don’t know if it’s a good idea that you come to the summerhouse anyway” — instead he called and said “my daughter is really okay with it, you should come” — and i went, and we cooked dinner together and sat down altogether and talked for the first time since we met, and it was all so nice. i felt so warm and humbled and grateful, for the pace of which i am being let in.

by the end of august my friend who has been sharing my apartment with me is moving out. she has had such a heavy energy lately that i have not been able to carry with her, and i have felt like a bad friend. i think i will be a better friend if not living with her. i hope she will be better in her new place, she deserves so much good happening to her and the sooner the better

my class is full of lovely people, and i’m sure i will stay in touch with a few, but during this school period i have not been able to build really close connections. i see them forming around me, but i don’t think i can and feel like joining. maybe it is just not my kind of people this time around. i wish i went to school during fall where there are less students. 37 is 30 too much for me. i realise how much i need to be to alone to function, and i thrive being alone, i thrive with a few, i thrive with the slow and the tender. here everyone is fast, individual, competitive, social (but also lovely, caring and fun).

also this final school period, a few weeks ago, i collapsed one day with severe anxiety when we were presented with 4 different presentation assignments. i cried in front of the teacher and the whole class and felt ridiculous. i always felt very anxious talking in front of others, but now at age 32 i felt my whole body saying no to it once and for all. it is not my way of learning or sharing. i don’t know why it took me so many years to figure out that i can actually say no to it, make it a boundary. i’m so tired of the fact that verbal language is so celebrated in school environments. i can’t just talk and talk and talk for the sake of talking, or casually socializing or for a good grade, nor do i wish that i could.

i say only a few things every now and then, and have built very few very close connections throughout my life. and that is doing my best