I WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE! @goawaygodboy - Tumblr Blog

Hiii it is I Lola. Your favorite obsessive compulsive princess who has issues. This blog is like you’re at the worst sleepover of your goddamn life and your parents aren’t picking up the phone.

This is a private-journal sort of blog: a mish mash of my mental health nonsense, personal woes, or tangents I feel don’t belong on my public blogs. My activity here is inconsistent because being vulnerable scares me, but hey! If you follow me here, you should take it as a compliment since I trust you enough to follow.

Below is the tag guide for this blog. Pretty straightforward, no?

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My everything hurts I’ve been thinking too hard about myself as a person and friend and my DVDs that were supposed to be here by tomorrow are in North Carolina and I need to have my mom proofread my paper by the end of today so I can get it out of my way and I feel like this

#☁️#curls into a small ball #honestly now that I’m on antidepressants I don’t think I notice too many differences?#like I have more energy but my mood still feels… eh…#whatevs. dong feel so hot but Ill live #maybe I’ll regress but idk I gotta have a reason besides being tired and sulky #I have my art show tomorrow! so at least I have that to look forward to

I’m probably bigender but I have a paper to work on so I don’t really care about that right now

#👑#I remember seeing this pin on Pinterest. I wish I saved it #it was something to the effect of ‘how it feels being comfortable being a girl but also wanting to be a boy but also something else’#and honestlyyy I agree with that a lot #don’t get me wrong! now that I’ve leaned into being femme I feel really happy with how I present myself #but sometimes I kinda do think it’d be fun to be a guy every now and again #I mean. there was that period in time I thought I was a trans guy but also I was insufferable when I was transmasc #and also HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEWS BUDDY?#so while I don’t think I’d ever be transmasc I don’t think I’m wholly cis #I dunnooo I wanna be a cute girl but also a pretty boy at the same time #I wanna look like a Bratz doll but also like the Nesquik rabbit. can you hear me

I’m gonna try holding off Ill-Advised Impulse Purchases until next month… next month on the 25th I’ll officially be one year clean of self-harm so I wanna save it until then so it feels like more of a special occasion ;0 the only problem is narrowing down what it is I wanna get… hmmm

#👑#self harm mention cw #(but in a positive context)#Indy sent me some super cute Bobby stickers on Etsy so maybe those #since Clawhauser is on my mind maybe I could get some merch of him!#and considering Clawhauser is. y’know. from Zootopia I’ll have LOTS of options… hehehe

Ohhh I might be a little fucked. Didn't Really thoroughly read an artist I was eyeballing for a commission's Carrd and they list "Pro- censorship / 'anti shipper'" in their DNI but I already paid them and we're in the discussion stage and I'd feel like way too big of an asshole to back out and hold them at gunpoint for a refund

#👑#I mean. At least skimming their card they don't actually say they're proship #they're just one of those Discourse Neutral people who say they don't really care about discourse #which isn't Inherently bad but it's a kind of dodgy gray area #because there's a good chance they're at the very least rubbing shoulders with bad actors #But! I'm just gonna try and be as polite as possible during our work process and not worry too much about it

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Me on my period usually: If I were walking down the street and I saw a piano about to get dropped on me I wouldn’t move. Also I need to jack off until peeing hurts

Me on my period now for some fucking reason:

#👑#HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE.#man if I gotta put TUMBLR in ScreenZen jail that’s how you know I’ve hit a low 🫩#haven’t gotten there yet but I feel it’s inevitable. why is everything Instagram reels level of bad #Youtube

I think if you actually fell for this at that point it’s natural selection and you deserve the humiliation ritual

#I think we should make yumeshippers the new waifuists. the fact the air they breathe is the same as mine as laughable #all it took was sugoislopping it to make a bunch of morons flock to it huh?#if a ‘yume’ shipper were to see a Japanese person getting beaten to death on the streets they wouldn’t intervene.#because once they are nothing but dirt beneath their feet they’ll leave behind the culture they can drool over but never comprehend #but that assumes they have the intelligence to comprehend much of anything besides being a gachikoi riako :33 #I need a tag for my longwinded period-induced fits of rage.#🌪️#that’ll work. fuck.

I’m trying not to be too woke but I recently got added to a GC for one of my pal’s CF (bad start) and I forgot that I’m friends with people of color because everyone saying yumeship makes me go

#☁️#‘I think [yumeshipping] is swag’ Do you now? was the Japanese necessary for you to like it?#tell me have you actually spoken to a Japanese person before? let alone an Asian person?#I bet you haven’t you bum ass beetles fanart drawing yankee #and even if you did what would it matter? the Japanese probably aren’t people to you huh?#just some Sugoi Cool people with amazeballs culture!!! xDDD #you do not see people of color as people. just vessels for you to absorb their culture to call yours #because the only culture you have is incestous self-righteous facism #if you fucking shot yourself. right in front of me. nothing in my life would change.#the world will keep spinning and better off without you.#you are a FLEA. you are NOTHING to me.#honestly I don’t think I’ll be in that GC too long my friend’s friends kinda give me Weird vibes #Can my period come already. hello. please. save me.

Little ramble before my grind of the day. For some reason my habit of treating myself like a chew toy has gotten like. Really bad. Like I actually forgot this was habit until yesterday I started picking at my eyebrow hair/pulling my hair out/squeezing/clawing at my face/arms/with a little self hitting for good measure. But I told my therapist yesterday and she told me if I keep doing it I’ll associate it with feeling distressed and I’ll be more likely to do it when distressed so I’m trying to nip that problem in the bud. Fortunately I’m getting some fuck-ass big ol’ squishy thingy to see if that’ll help alleviate the urges so we’ll see

Okay She Did Not Give A Shit What Was I So Worried About

#☁️#pinches the bridge of my nose and sighs really hardly #she's gonna read the rest of the evaluation at some point or another and now my Main worry is her reaction to my passive suicidiality #I am surprised my friends who follow me here insist on staying friends with me aren't you tired #but on the bright side! GUESS WHO'S GOING ON PROZAC BABYYYYYYYY 🎉🎉🎉

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Okay. I’m done with my psych appointment and while I was waiting I skimmed my psych eval report and I Forgot I Brought Up Floyd (The First Ex).

#☁️#I NEVER MENTIONED HIM ***ONCE***#hopefully she’ll be fine but. scared scared scared

Lowkey I think I have a spending problem but I’m in college so idrc about that rn

#not sure if this is a vent or general musing about my poor habits. no tag for now #it’s kinda funny. it’s less ‘I keep impulsively buying MYSELF things’ and more ‘I keep impulsively buying OTHER PEOPLE things’#like. someone could very much Insinuate there’s something they want and I’ll jump on it ASAP to offer to buy it on their behalf #but I was thinking seeing one of my friends go through the trenches for like. almost a week and got struck with the idea of #‘hey since their birthday is coming up I should buy them a cameo from their favorite voice actor as a birthday gift’#before going Wait Pause. cameos can be really pricy I should slow my roll a little.#and thus what’s been making me reconsider my spending habits #to be completely honest I feel kind of bad spending money on myself unless I deem it a special occasion #and like… it isn’t even a situation where money’s perpetually tight for me so I need to be as frugal as possible #since FASFA covers all the payments I need for my college expenses I don’t actually have to pay for my tuition #(At least that’s what the admissions office told me)#so I have a lot of money left over hence my Willy nilly sugar mommying #honestly I think I know what the problem is. I often times worry that when someone is upset I can’t do anything Helpful Enough #so in my mind buying them gifts is a BIG NOBLE DEED I can do to help them #and whenever they’re like ‘ohhh Lola you’re so sweet’ it’s like doing a shot of cocaine so. I guess it’s for the thrill of being helpful #🚨 EVACUATE THE PREMISIES I’M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT CHARLEY AGAIN 🚨#(LOUD AUDIENCE BOOING) (tomatoes start getting tossed) ‘GET OFF THE STAGE!’#when we cut contact during their big Go Fuck Yourself message they made a point about how I’d often send them big flowery lovey dovey texts #after we’d argue or be on our weekly mandated shaky ground #and how I’d kept making these big declarations of love and care but never follow throw on them because of how avoidant I was to them #so a part of me worries. are these purchases actually stemming from a place of love? or is it just to get people to think I’m a caring guy?#money can’t buy happiness but I bring so little to actually offer so what other choice do I have #holy shit shit got long. uhhhh. sorry.#you can tell Lola genuinely thinks she deserves to live I am SO glad I’m seeing my psychiatric provider today #I’m gonna get my antidepressants and shut the fuck up praise god

things-that-are-not-true

all o fthis happened because of me

ocdheritageposts

OCD Heritage Post

#hashtag mycurse

Was gonna start sulking but now that I’m actually diagnosed with depression next time I see my psychiatrist I can ask her about putting me on antidepressants NEVER KILL YOURSELF

#👑#fast gif cw #I mean. I’ve been suicidally depressed for a good six years now so I feel like the damage has been done #but WHATEVER I’m just glad this is actually an option now #I’m a Little wary that my mom might be skeptical I need antidepressants?#but she wasn’t skeptical when I told her the diagnosis so I’m trying to be cautiously optimistic

RESULTS ARE IN. AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER AND MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER IS ON THE MENU BOYS

#👑#WAAAAAR IIIIIIS OOOOVEEEER #interestingly! they ruled out OCD #they said since I have more obsessions than I do compulsions chances are it’s probably just an anxiety thing #they also ruled out bipolar and PTSD mostly because I have some symptoms of those but not enough to warrant getting diagnosed for those two #BUT A WIN IS A WIN. ONLY TOOK FOR FUCKING EVER

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Psych called me yesterday and said they’d be willing to give me my screening results today at 11. It is almost 11:30

#👑#ANY SECOND NOW…#best case scenario they misunderstood me and they thought I wanted to call at 3 #which isn’t ideal because. y’know. class. but as long as they actually make good on their word #but considering the patterns with this place I can’t say I’m all too optimistic

Guahgh. I have been so fucking dizzy and out of it all evening and the one thing that got me awakerr was a botification in a server I’m in and itsst almjng about Currenty Eventy stuff and now I feel like the picture of SpongeBob in silent hill

#☁️#should’ve just eidden the high of Bering sleepies while I cohkd #the concept of doomscoellkjng on discord #there is joker mush in. my headdddd #need to Calm the Forque down. never trust how you feel about life when it’s 9pm #and you also feel like Anais tweaking #yk the gif

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