lux aeterna,

(. at first he thinks the question is serious, and he opens his mouth to answer no — because god is a man -made concept and he doesn’t have the faith to believe with the weight he carries on his shoulders, but it’s the second part that catches him off his guard.  he blinks for a moment, a little stunned to get much more of a reaction — but then he smiles.  well.  how unexpected. )

"Catch me," is all she’s able to mumble before her vision darkens and she goes crashing towards the ground. 

the end of the day in his office meant a bit more than packing up and going home to rest his weary head. joonmyun is an overachiever, he’s always been that way — from arriving to classes with bleeding battle wounds to staying up nights to study courses he never stepped foot on a university for. being the therapist is no different; joonmyun keeps the light on well after office hours just in case is what he tells a secretary as she walks past and peeks her head in with a raised brow to tell him goodbye. he smiles and tells her to get home safe, and she shrugs her shoulders with a final wave of her hand.

this is the point that he pores over textbooks and files, where he studies mutations that aren’t his so that he can understand a student better — hopefully be able to help them a little better, too.

but joonmyun is interrupted; it’s a knock on the door — even though his office is closed and even though he leaves the lights on, he rarely ( if ever ) gets visitors this late. but as he puts on his smile, as he opens the door his face falls at the water that drips onto the floor and the way wendy stands there shivering. he almost wonders what in the world she’s done to get herself into this mess, in the middle of winter — barely catches sight of an injury that’s bleeding and the way she sways on her feet before she falls with little warning.

it’s easy to catch her; he feels the freezing water soak into his sweater and his arms lift her into a hold — place her on the couch and wrap her tight in a blanket he has lying around, his jacket that he won’t be able to use later; anything to keep her warm. she shivers even in her passed out state, and he has to remember to breathe. ” what have you gotten yourself into this time, son seungwan?” he mutters as he sits beside the couch to watch her — wonders if he should check for injuries now because god forbid they get worse later as she warms.

classes had come to an end, and as tyche swiftly shoves her books into her tattered messenger bag ( she really needs to save up and buy a brand new one ), she doesn’t seem quite enthusiastic for another appointment with the institute’s counselor. however, her consciousness tells otherwise while she ambles through the ocean of mutants, so she approaches the entrance of a different hallway — a complete contrast of the previous corridor. she stands a few feet away from joonmyun’s doorstep before the door suddenly flies open, revealing a sniveling male walking past her — she almost doesn’t notice his body disappearing into nowhere, bit by bit, his cells vanishes from her sight. the familiar man emerges from his narrow office seconds later with a concerned look directed not toward her, but to the vast hallway. "don’t blame me — blame his teleporting abilities." tone nonchalant, she rolls her eyes instantly.

joonmyun closes his eyes when his door slams open — he can feel the grating of a migraine pounding at his skull, but he still stands to hurry after the younger male who just threw open the door in his hysteria, to get out — to get away. this isn’t a day that’s going well; not for kim joonmyun — he wasn’t expecting the teleporter to shift into his office cell by cell only to hide in the corner and mutter to himself for most of it, especially when he hadn’t seen him before ( wasn’t sure he was even a student, either. )

but joonmyun is patient and joonmyun is kind, still approached him in an attempt to calm the frenzy that waged in the child’s heart but it only led to pacing and a too quick speech. he stands at the door with wide eyes, a little worse for wear now that it .. seems over, but still there’s the concern somewhere deep inside his heart — he wants to know. he should have been able to fix this. but he sighs, a little resigned to the state of affairs when he finally looks at tyche — smiles despite his aching head and leans against the door frame.

long days at the school etch themselves deep into the pores of joonmyun’s skin — even long after he goes home, there is still nostalgia that remains for days long past and guilt that never goes away. as much as he works, late nights abound — and this is only just another late night where he travels halls that are dark and dimly lit to go about his way.

as much as kim joonmyun loves xavier’s, there comes a time that he must go home.

there are a fair few that still travel the halls and joonmyun smiles at them as he passes, tells the students outside to keep warm as they try to beat the cold night air. he is one that loves the winter, though — the way the cold gets stuck in his lungs and leaves them raw when he tries to breathe. even now, he is bundled in his scarf and sweater; hands buried deep into his pockets to stay warm on the way home. but something interesting catches his eye from the corners, and joonmyun turns his head to see someone jumping the fence — it’s a bit peculiar, so he walks over only to realize it’s wendy standing there.

“ is there a problem with the front gate, wendy?” he asks as he approaches, perhaps a bit amused — until he sees the tiny injuries that pepper her cheeks. some of them look days old, while others look too fresh, maybe only moments exposed to the air. the beginnings of bruises and scrapes on pale skin are far too visible for him to miss, not with a keen eye such as his. it’s hesitancy in his voice that has him asking, “ did something happen?” he knows he should be a little more urgent — after all, she’s sneaking in over the gates instead of using the front door. but he doesn’t want to pressure her, figures she’ll tell him if she wants to — or if she absolutely needs to.

i'm not coming backi've done something so terriblei'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me

kim joonmyun is a strong house.  

but even the most sturdy of structures bend against the wind of a hurricane, the ferocity of an earthquake.  tired and bleeding, he too, bends; his fingers fold clothes and pack suitcases and he wonders just where he plans on going from here.  the room is empty as he works and joonmyun’s almost grateful that he doesn’t have to see char’s eyes staring at him with hurt, something like betrayal as his side of the room becomes a little more empty with each passing moment.  it feels a little weird saying his side when it became their side — even now, joonmyun can feel the breathing on his neck and the way char’s nose would search for its place somewhere in the crook of his shoulder as he slept.

he has never been as strong as others would like to believe.  that’s why he is ever the coward, running when the comfort of someone else’s arms doesn’t do enough to purify the scars still bleeding on his torso.  once upon a time, char was the fire to burn away at him, destroy the dead parts that sting his skin and weigh down his shoulders and leave only the purest parts of him behind.

joonmyun doesn’t deserve it now.  in reality, he doesn’t think he ever did.

he’s much faster at working than he’d like himself to be, because it doesn’t give him a chance to regret this decision — to go back when the room is empty and the light outside is only that of gray rain.  it matches his mood when he picks up a suitcase, picks up a box; his hands are full when he goes to open the door but it opens for him and it’s char staring at him with confusion in his eyes.

he tries to make sense of this because it’s a little strange ( something feels off to him ).  but the boxes are the weight of joonmyun’s sin, the ultimate sign of his betrayal and he can feel his heart sinking to the floor when he suddenly can’t breathe.  char doesn’t say anything, his lips forming a hard line — it’s an expression he only makes when he’s angry, and joonmyun can’t blame him ( doesn’t blame him — almost wishes that char hates him enough to burn him to the ground ).  

char opens his mouth to speak and instead of the curse that joonmyun is sure to find shaking with his name, it comes out as nothing more than a whisper. “ please, don’t leave.”

— wake.

he sits up with a gasp, mouth round as he tries to take in air that’s been denied him.  his hands are clutching at sheets and there’s no one beside joonmyun to tell him that he’s had a nightmare; it will be fine now, hush.  it takes him a few moments to recall the events of the dream, finally figures out the reason for its oddity — it’s because char, in the real world, wasn’t there to stop him at the end.

joonmyun closes his eyes.

the appearance of char in his life after three years time, signed with the name jongin — after near misses and held breath and wishing brought with it the arrival of the dreams.  it’s the regret that’s cut fresh into his heart with all the words he wants to say ( but doesn’t ).  joonmyun knows enough to recognize what’s going on; he sees it enough in students that come to him with tears in their eyes when they’ve burned every bridge they’ve ever built.  

joonmyun is not the one with fire in his veins, but he certainly feels the carnage he’s left behind with the arrival of kim jongin.

his fingers fumble over his nightstand as he reaches for his phone, hopes that his number hasn’t changed in all of three years ( he wishes, prays — ) it’s almost like a reprieve when the call connects and finally, he lets the tears flow.  there’s fire somewhere down in the pits of his heart that char planted there years ago that threaten to take him alive.  a sleepy voice on the other end of the line answers and joonmyun holds back a sob, he’s always muffled himself but he smiles because —

it’s the same sleepy voice that whispered you’re too noisy, extractor in his ear as arms wrapped around joonmyun’s waist.  a shaky sigh of relief and joonmyun’s sure that char — jongin — knows who it is by now.  “ i’m not going anywhere this time.  i’m so sorry.”  he whispers into the phone and finally feels what he’s been searching for.