Aelin

But I'm leaving. I'm moving to a town far away. My lone solace when it came to her was that I live so close to her that I could walk to her house. If something happened I could run to her. It feel like the flesh of my heart strings are being ripped apart. I can't go to her whenever I or she pleases either. It's like she's is in a concrete box and with a tiny rat hole and I'm trying to squeeze in through it.

There are not many days left till the boards. And I should be studying how alcohols can be converted to carboxylic acids right now. But I get struck by feelings of adoration every two seconds. Like there are people in my life so lovely. Just so damn lovely. I was thinking about that throughout the day. Not continously but often enough. I don’t feel it in my heart though. Images of a view overlooking a garden. Not just any garden. Not just a regular image. It’s so BRIGHT. But not in a way you can’t see anything but in way that everything is so clear that it’s supposed to jelly but no it’s FRESH GREENERY. It’s GLEAMING. Yeah there it is that word. gleaming. and that scene is like the embodiment of the people I love. SO bright so vibrant so fresh so adorable so fulfilling. That’s another accurate word. Fulfilling. So LOVELY and GLEAMING and FULFILLING. AND THEY DON’T SEE IT?!

Now I’ve realised that I don’t feel love in my heart, i mean i do but not only there but everywhere. It’s there in the air that surrounds me. It’s there in purple, my friend’s favorite color; It’s their in 7— her favorite number; It’s in greenery and trees, something another friend loves; It’s in butterscotch icecream, in video games, in malayalam books, in trendy haircuts and clothes, in ramen and tteobokki, in answering questions of seniors in exams, in laying your head on your friend’s shoulder, in filling cold water water in our bottles from an official building where we’re probably not supposed to be, in skipping classes, in talking in wierd accents, in rainbows and the color green, in biting your friend’s shoulder, in- it’s as infinite as are stars in the sky. And most of these are not even the things I do or like. 7 is not not my fav number it but I think of Sandhya everytime I see it. Hell I’m lactose intolerant and allergic to many icecreams but I have a special liking towards butterscotch even though i can’t eat it because in 5th grade we decided Mahika was butterscotch icecream and i was chocolate, i think video games are mind numbingly boring but when I see it I think of her. I used to hate bright colors but when I saw Achu loving rainbows and especially the colors green and paining her heart out with rainbow ink I fell in love with it. I don’t get trendy haircuts but Ayurdha does and loves it so whenever I see a short trendy haircut I wonder if she’ll like it. Reading malayalam books makes me fall asleep in seconds but my mom loves it so when I see something of the like I wonder if my mom knows about it. Parvathy told how she’d love to answer a senior’s doubt in an exam and she did and was so happy. She loves drinking cold water from the dispenser in front of the pink building even though we’re most prolly not supposed to go there but go in anyways. she feels loved and loving when her friends lay their head on her shoulder, I don’t feel that but I do it because I know she’ll feel loved. me, sandhya, parvathy, mahika, and latha talk in wierd accents with each other and it feels like the best language we’ve spoken. I know all these things and so much more that they love and adore and they’re so lovely you’re so lovely and I love you

I wish I could melt into this more till I dissipate and become nothing but everything that I love at the same time. But time holds me by my shoulders with a wise and knowing demeanor and tells me to tuck away these phosphenes of thoughts because it’s 9:10pm, boards are nearing and I’ve got to figure out what catalysts are.

I was on canva today. Just making a random design. I added a pink glitter background and magnified the canvas to get a better view. Then scrolled through pics I’ve uploaded in the gallery. Chose one pic, deleted it. chose another, deleted again. Chose one again but this time… time froze before I could think. A magnified image of a girl looking at me in the eyes. With her eyes. Of course I’ve seen that picture before. And I’ve never not looked at it for 2 minutes straight. But this time it was bigger, the picture. I was most certain it was alive. I saw you breathing. I saw your smile widen. I looked into your eyes. And I saw love in the curve of your upper eyelids. Saying it once does not satisfy my heart. How can the curve of someone’s upper eyelids be so kind, so loving. What am I saying. I don’t know if I want someone else eyes to look into yours and see it. If I want it only for mine. Or if I want someone else to see it and be healed. All this time, I didn’t like the profession of doctors. I didn’t like white coats and bland blue scrubs and white floors and white desks and gray lives because that was all I thought of it. But- when that picture of you, your existence, the love in the curve of your eyelids, healed something I didn’t even know needed tending, I saw. How it is in your nature. It’s in your gaze and your smile, even in your eyebrows, in the shine of your cheeks when you grin. You’re the closest person I’ve seen to angels or nymphs. I wish I was joking. It’s not all very good to sound like one’s gone mad but it’s worth it. Whoever comes to you for solace will find it as soon as they meet your eyes. But this is not all you are. In that picture, I felt like my soul was holding yours and I found myself not even caring if it was forever or for a day, it was too beautiful to care, like if I wished for it to be forever I would miss out on being grateful that my being holds this form of you in its crystalline lens right now, like the time i would use for wishing could’ve been used for loving you right now instead. Because that’s how it is. I did not know I was capable of this much love, this much adoration. Love -that word is so feeble compared what I feel right now. It is not something between you and me. It’s as if you’re standing on a sandy beach in front of me looking back at me while I feel all this and the dark green ginormous mountains and every single tree in it and the expanse of peaceful dark clouds behind it is a witness to something so miraculously yet naturally human that no language can string together. Our existence needs no attention or acknowledgement like the majestic creatures in the depths of the sea that no one can reach exist in silent glory. I read somewhere that the sun was great and beautiful before anyone’s acknowledgement of it. It’ll continue to be even after all of us are there no more to look at it. Like when black holes collide into galaxies, it may be happening light years away with no onlookers, in all it’s magnificence, so beyond acknowledgement. It’s only witness is itself and the void in which it lies. We’re something similar to it too.

Your dream and the reason why you pursue it is beautiful. I want to tell you a piece of simple but wonderful advice that I learnt from Cinderella's mom in the movie, "Have courage and be kind" she had said. You are a person who lives and goes through life with grace and resilience. You'll have a great journey no matter what you choose.

'And if my wishes came true

It would've been you'

A snippet from 'the 1' by Taylor Swift