Koh Kong is a city north of Phnom Penh, that lies next to the gulf of Thailand. This undeveloped city is used as a visa run for many of the foreigners living in Bangkok, as well as a gambling hub for Vietnamese and Thai's. Other than that there isn't much in this town other than a under appreciated coastline, Mangrove forest that stretch for miles and roughed forest and river terrain. It's simply a natural wonder. As I transversed this terrain with my tour group, I became keenly aware of just how still and quite things were in this part of the country. I swam in a water fall, hiked around the Mangrove forest and travelled down the river on a slow boat in utter peace. Far away from the city and it's demands, distractions and vices, I spent my time reading and literally sitting by the docks watching people. I returned from the tour fully satisfied with the day and complementing what to do after as it was New Years Eve. As the sunset on the this day and the New Years approached, I became suddenly aware of just how alone I was. Far away in a distance country, away from my worldly comforts, my family, my friends and my girlfriend I thought I would be in a state of distress. However, I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of peace and tranquility. It is often when one has nothing that one realizes he has everything. Those worlds rang clearly through to me as I sat alone with only my thoughts as company. Overwhelmed by this realization I found a restaurant that overlooked the ocean and reflected on this past year and my journey thus far. This radical change and been a longtime in the making, and started in all honestly last year when I finally took over and completed the redevelopment of a property my family owned. Though this might seem like a strange trigger, it had been a sticking point between myself and my father for many years. My father had refused to let me manage and renovate it five years ago, and I perceived this as a lack of trust in my abilities as well as belief in me. It had also coincided with the passing of my grandmother, the stresses of graduating from college, the decision of going to grad school or finding a job and my heartbreaking breakup with Flora, my first love. These stressors combined to form a toxic emotional mix that manifested itself physically into this incomplete apartment project. It was during these years that my confidence in myself and my abilities were completed shattered. I felt like a shadow of the man I used to be, an empty shell, moving from one task to the next, but not fully embracing life or pursuing things to my full ability. The completion of this project helped me to resolve some weird mental impasse that had been built around not being able to complete this project. It allowed me finally to vanquish some of those past demons and start living in the present. The renovation itself took only six months, and I had it fully rented out within two more months. I worked with both contractors, parents and girlfriend on this project, helping to bring us all closer together. My confidence jumped dramatically as I had taken a multi-phase project that had been the source of many of my internal fears and completed it successfully from start to finish. For the first time in a long time I felt truly confident in myself and my abilities. Many of my friend and colleagues will be surprised by this revelation, as they have perceived me to be a relatively confident individual. The greatest tragedy was that I couldn't see that confidence in myself until recently. I would often ask myself, what the heck were they seeing that I wasn't? Who the heck were they talking about, it couldn't possibly be me? But I guess that is just the nature of the world, in which we see greatness in all others except ourselves. The fact of the manner is that we are all a little self conscious in ourselves, we all have our own struggles, fears and perceptions that we place upon ourselves and ultimately place others. It is only when we realize that everyone has these same doubts and fears that we are truly able to overcome the doubts we have in ourselves. Doubt or judge yourself and you will doubt others and see judges everywhere. By confronting this one demon, and regaining a notion of my previous confidence, I was finally able to see the confidence that others had bestowed upon me. I could finally look at myself in the mirror and see all the great beliefs and praise people had placed upon me. It lifted a great weight from my shoulders that had stood as constant reminder of my past failures. It also started a virtuous cycle that helped me to rebuild my relationship with my father as we worked together to complete it. All of these positive events were because I finally had the confidence again to just do things and ask permission later. I wasn't initially able to convince my father to renovate and manage this projected, I just took the bold step of paying for it first and asking for permission later. I found it is better to have to apologize for action rather than explain or wait for a permission that might never come. These events triggered something deeply emotional in me and I found myself wondering what else was possible. What else might I have been waiting permission for, what else had I missed out on? Though I might never know what I missed, I was determined not to repeat these mistakes in the present or future. If anything I would be apologizing more from now on for my actions rather than in-actions. A waiter suddenly arose me from thoughts, and asked me what I would like to order. I asked for a Cambodian Beer, (Yes, that's the name of the beer). As I looked out onto the ocean as the sunset upon this day, this month, this year and I felt a wonderful sense of passion flood through my soul. It was an excitement and belief in myself that I had not felt in years. I sipped my beer as the last rays of sunlight fled into the night sky, carrying with them all of my accomplished in 2011 and wishes for 2012. It had truly been a great year, full of accomplishments, changes and realizations, but the promise of a new year was what was bringing me excitement now. May I honor myself and those that believe in me by living up to them in the New Year. I took a final sip of my beer as the last light crested into the horizon, I was finally at peace with myself. Sihanouville: A beach paradise in the making. The trip to Sihanouville was an interesting adventure, I booked this trip without a tour group, without knowing exactly what I would find or to do. This would have scared me before, but I was following the principals that I had learned along this trip, and was in the process implementing. As I jumped on the six hour bus ride south to the port city, I wondered what this trip would be like. I had heard that Sihanouville was a lot like Phuket was 20 years ago, so I was excited to see this area before it became overrun by tourist. There were also many other activities just south of the city to see and try, so I knew I would have a full time before I headed back to Thailand. The bus ride was at 6am in the morning and I took my seat only to be joined shortly by an older white man. He said hello to me in Cambodian and asked if I spoke English, to which I responded in english, "I am not Cambodian." Right off I had a creepy feeling about this guy, as he pointed out the "nice ones" that boarded the bus and starred uncomfortably long at this young girl sitting across from us. But I figured it would be a long bus ride why not have a conversation, I wasn't here to place judgement. After some initial small talk, I discovered he had a family in the UK and worked in construction. He was actually on his visa run, and was waiting to go back to see his "girlfriends" in Bangkok. He continued to talk and eventually went into a rant about how Eastern Europeans and Africans were under cutting wages in the UK, and how he saved up whatever he had so he could come to Thailand 5 months out of the year. By then I had pretty much placed him in the sex tourist category, with him being one of the hundreds of thousands that travel to under developed countries to take advantage of the poverty in these countries. To live like kings there, because they can't afford to do it in their own country. What was particular annoying about this type of guy is that he wasn't there for just a quick bang, from one of Thailand's sex workers, but had made promises to the girls he was dating knowing full well that he was just on holiday. It's one thing to make an exchanges with two individuals knowing full well each others intent and purpose. But he created an unrealizable fantasy for these girls, promising them marriage, citizenship, the world knowing full well he won't deliver. He destroyed their dreams and to me that is down right despicable. Needless to say our conversation pretty much stopped there, but I was left with a dirty feeling, an anger about the situation that I knew I had to be addressed. I let him know just what I thought about his "holiday" and that he shouldn't be starring at the young girl next to us. To which he responded go fuck off, I guess the world shows you both the good and bad. Needless to say the remainder of the trip was less than comfortable. But one of my mentors at the YMCA put it best, "It's one thing to feel helpless about injustices in the world, but to know what is right and not do it is the worst type of cowardice. Even though my ride was a little less than pleasant now, I felt better about myself and the safety of the girls around me by speaking up to this guy. I arrived in Sihanouville and was pleased to see that the description of the town was pretty accurate. It was a mix of small boutique hotels and guest houses that lined the beach. An occasional luxury hotel marred the skyline awaiting the influx of mass tourism, but other than that it was paradise. The town itself also had a lot going for it and might be poised to become the secondary travel location for Cambodia after Siem Riep. They sit on a beautiful coast line with white sand beaches and island chains, a natural deep water port for international trade and travel and an abundant amount of outdoor activities. Top that off with 50 cent beers and 3 dollar BBQ dinners, it's a beach paradise in the making. Needless to say I was happy to have arrived and immediately sought out some friends and activities to indulge myself in. I went to a tour agency to book a fishing trip, and when the guy spoke I immediately knew he was American. I asked where he was from and he said Minnesota, of course I asked if he knew Nii, but he said no. Oh well, the mayor can't know everyone in town. The guy had a really interesting story, he was one of the boat people that were given asylum after the war, but had committed a crime before he earned his citizenship, so he was sent back to his "home country", Cambodia. It is a really a said situation as a lot of these folks were basically born in America and didn't really know Cambodia at all, but were thus sent back to a "foreign" country. He was making due at a bar and helping with this travel agency, but it was sad to see that this was such a problem. We had some beers and talked some more about the area and how much Cambodia was changing. I found it quite refreshing to just kick back and talk with some locals and get their perspective. I bought couple of rounds and he later hooked me up on my boat tour for the next day as well. Score, guess my 3 dollars in beers investments paid off. I got up early the next morning to head to the tour boat/island tour/fishing boat. It was a quick day trip and I really wanted to see if the islands around Sihanouville were as nice as Phi Phi. The group was composed of an interesting mix of characters as always, there were a few locals coupled with some UK girls, (I will elaborate a more on this later), an older man with a Cambodian girl, a family of Russians and the random Chinese American guy, me. We took off to the first island for snorkeling, and when I dived into the water the first thing I noticed was the lack of fish, as the area wasn't protected from fishing as in Thailand. However the coral structures were simply amazing, and were some of the most beautiful I have seen in the world. If there were fish, this would truly be an amazing snorkeling area. We next stopped at an island for lunch, it boasted soft sand and a pleasing view of nearby islands. It had one small restaurant on it and a few locals living in the interior, but other than that it was empty. I imagined all the possibilities for setting up a nice little boutique hotel, but the grilled pork, chicken and fish captured my attention as the guides prepped our lunch. I sat in the sand watching enjoying the view of the island and the Russians playing in the water, they had a beautiful Russian women with them that skipped around taking pictures of herself. Needless to say it added greatly to the beauty of the island. Also the UK girls and the locals played near by, as the girls flirted with the locals. The two girls probably in there early to mid 30's, a little on the heavier side and were hanging out with two local guys in their early twenties. It was the reverse sex tourism, that I had heard about. Where girls come to hang out with the local guys and buy them gift, food and drinks in exchange for attention and sex. I didn't know what quite to think of it, as in some ways it was wrong, but in other ways it was guys being guys I suppose. I sat there a little taken back about the issue, but figured I didn't want to waste my time dwelling on a subject that I wasn't too familiar with. Instead I focused on the beauty of the island and the amazing lunch that was being prepared. I can still taste the fresh pork and fish on my finger tips and the warm island sands between my toes, what a great way to spend the afternoon. We returned to Sihanouville after visiting another snorkeling area and doing a little fishing, the night was quickly approaching and I wanted to get some sleep as I was heading into Kep tomorrow. I went to the hotel and showered down, before heading to the beach for dinner. I walked along the boardwalk and was amazed by the assortment of meats, fish and seafood they had. All the BBQ were less than 5 dollars for your choice of meats. I sat down and had a mixed plate of meats and shellfish and two beers for under 5 bucks. Satisfied I walked along the shoreline and looked at other people enjoying fish and crab BBQ, of course the fatty in me got the best of me and I ordered a whole fish with another beer and sat down to watch a fire show. They had a similar show as in Phi Phi, but had a much more relaxed and laid back feeling to it. I could see this becoming the next Phuket in Cambodia in five years. Hopefully I am not too late to invest in the area, as I know it will explode soon. The next morning I headed into town and got a ride to the bus station, I told the guy that I wanted to go to Kep and that after which I needed to go back to Phnom Penh. He gave me my ticket and pointed me to my bus. I hopped on and went to sleep, thinking about climbing the mountains and seeing the abandoned buildings in Kep. The next thing I knew I was awaken by a familiar honking and smell that could only be Phnom Penh. Shit, the guy had put me on the Phnom Penh bus first instead of the Kep bus. I had travelled to the edge of town and we were at the rest stop before we went into Phnom Penh. Guess I can't put things onto autopilot just yet.