gingershots

it’s so fascinating that our relationship with our families are reflected in our romantic relationships. i’ve gotten to know my relationship with my parents (or lack thereof with my dad i guess) a lot better the past few years since i’ve tapped into my dynamic with a serious romantic partner.

how to describe this feeling... i guess recognizing what was lacking in my childhood and family relationships made me confront the fact that my mom, despite all she’s done for me, has so many of her own faults. if i were an objective outsider, i would have emotions towards her that i am ashamed of feeling as her daughter, knowing all the hardships she’s gone through. and i see so much of my mom in myself now, as a grown woman. i love and hate that lol. my mom is a good mom, she tries her best with me, gives me all she has. i’m grateful for her and i’d like to put away and avoid projecting my own insecurities in my relationship with her, the last thing i want is to hurt her. she deserves so much more than that.

and my dad, i never used to think about him much. i figured he didn’t matter to me since he’s barely in my life...but now i recognize that his absence holds such a large presence that looms over me - in how i behave and interact with my partner, in those moments of self-loathing and feeling unworthy/undeserving of love and care, and so much deeply embedded distrust in all my relationships, never being able to settle into a feeling of safety and security. what sucks the most is that he will never know any of this, he left me in a lifetime of trauma but just gets away with it. must be nice.

my aunt and uncle in china - i love that they are more like friends, they can offer an object mature opinion. I can talk to them about my values, my dreams, my worries without them getting all ‘adult’ on me lol

and lastly, my grandparents. im so happy we have a close relationship. my grandma may be the person i am the closest with. i want to be like her - determined, curious, strong, hard-working, and has such a big heart. she’s such a tenacious woman. as for grandpa, he has the heart of a child. i always remember how lenient and loving he was with the kids when we were young. he’d never say no to buying us treats and toys.

To reflect with myself

My grandma.

Grandma grow up in a time before “feminism” was a recognizable concept but she is a feminist, she has that fire in her. I hear it in her stories and I see it in her every day that I‘m lucky enough to spend with her.

She lives up to chinese ideals of women but she doesn’t conform to them. Her family only supported the sons getting education - at 10, she will run across the town through the cemetery at night to sit outside of the classroom and learn. The Japanese invaded and occupied shanghai - at 12, she moved into a relative’s house and while the other girls her age played with dolls and were spoon fed by their mothers, she cooked and did laundry to take care of her younger brother. Today, at 72, she’s takes care of everything in the house and my grandpa, but that doesn’t stop her from putting aside time to learn how to use WeChat, how to pick up a delivery package from the community’s lockers with a confirmation code on her phone, how to listen to music through an app. This woman does not stop. Her youth remains because she does not give up. She’s adaptable and she’s a force.

The few things by JP Saxe. This song describes a lot of of insecurities I had early on in my relationship with Brian and kind of is a way that he explains his perspective, and that helped me understand that sometimes the way he reacts or not react to me isn’t about me, it’s just how he is. We’ve also talked about this being the song we’ll play at our wedding, so it carries a lot of weight in my heart.

人质 (ren zhi/ hostage) by A-Mei describes a... I guess unhealthy but also very loving relationship...like if the relationship isn’t working yet neither of you wants to let it go, you just end up holding each other hostage and inevitably at the end someone, or both parties, get hurt. When I hear this song, I just think about the phase we went through when we were broken up...and even though we are good now, I still can’t shake off that feeling when i listen to this.

after many many MANY days of getting stuck on this question, these thoughts suddenly came to me.

1. first and foremost - efficiency. 

example A: i don’t want to follow the pre-established process document to carry out this task if i can do the same thing faster and better in my own way. 

example B: if i can do 3 things on the same trip, im not gonna go out on 3 separate occasions and do one thing at a time. 

people who follow the rules for the sake of following the rules + travelling back and forth when something can be done in one go = things that drive me nuts.

2. how much we need social sciences to be embedded in our education. this is a realization i came to this week, in the context of BLM. i think it’s great that more people are coming to terms with the realities of this world - yes there is systematic injustices against POC, against trans/queer, against women, against old people, of course there is. but what surprises me is how little people were aware of this before. i think having been a student of social sciences, my mind has been ingrained with concepts like “intersectionality” and “social contract” - and i think everybody should be. these should not be electives in school, our future children need to understand and face these realities. broke these rose-tinted glasses so many people look through to see their world. learning these in the context of academia and being taught by scholars is a better different and much more (imo) thorough experience than just reading a few lines on social media and suddenly picking up these ‘trendy terms’ as weapons for social justice warriors who, a lot of times, don’t have a comprehensive and consolidated understanding of the research, the history, and different perspectives.

3. weddings are for other people, not for yourselves. this came to mind because my roommate’s friend is getting married and is in the midst of planning a wedding. the politics that go into wedding planning takes all the fun out of it. “who’s paying for it?” “who do we have to invite?” “how are we gonna seat everyone?” “are we picking these fancy paper to put under everyone’s plates because we want everyone to have fancy paper under their plates or because this adds to our social capital, and ‘saves face’?” weddings are merely a tool set up by capitalistic institutions to encourage consumerism - it’s a $60,000 (at least) performance for my guests, not me.

“it’s easy for your friends to tell you to just leave him, or ‘you can do much better’, because they only know the bad things you complained to them about your boyfriend.”

- this one sounds so obvious now that im typing it out loud but it was really a realization i took time to come to. it’s actually incredibly hard to give relationship advice, because no one knows my relationship like i do. maybe my friends know about all the time brian has been late, but no one knows the sweet things he’s done for me or how many times he’s been there for me when i was an emotional wreck. i feel like there’s almost this guilt to talk about the good things your partner does for you, like it’s showing off/flaunting. somehow it feels easier to bond with others over complaining about your S/O?

“if you worry, you suffer twice”

- i heard this one recently and it really struck a chord with me. knowing how much i worry about the things that are beyond my control, i should really be practicing this more. like i REALLY agree with this sentiment but so hard to practice worrying has become my default state. hopefully i can be better with time.

uh “be happy” 🤢🤢🤢does this count as advice?

im so not a fan of this whole “fake positivity” era where people just tell me “it’s okay, just be happy” - like what the heck does that even mean?? also what if i just don’t want to be happy right now? what if i just want to wallow in my sadness? like, just let me freaking be.

to be free.

“being yourself” to me feels freeing - to be able to show all of yourself to another person, to be completely honest and vulnerable with your thoughts and feelings.

- cleaning on a sunny day

- cooking something new and making it look pretty, for other people or myself

- discovering and trying new experiences

- meeting and hitting it off with new people

- Brian’s face when he opens up a packaged gift from me

- when we just listen to music, lying in our bed, staring at the ceiling - the whole world just melts away, that’s such a good feeling

- when I get a first taste of something delicious. It’s so good that I can’t help but to make that MHMM sound while closing my eyes and (slightly) roll them back lol

- talking to grandma

- going out for a walk; slash, long hikes

- talking to friends for 3-4 hours about everything and anything; feeling that connection when you just get each other; fueling each other’s minds

- that post-workout feeling, that I’m stronger and leaner

- doing nice things for people I love (although this gets burdensome sometimes because when I do this too often I feel taken for granted by the other person and that in and of itself becomes an invisible stressor and then I become annoyed/resentful, ahhh strong word but honestly sometimes that’s the mood)

- getting shit done!!

Had to hold off on answering this question until I had a really good day, to counteract these sad thoughts that are about to resurface themselves.

- not having a good family dynamic (i still believe every family has its problems but recently met someone whose family is actually very close and not dysfunctional and seeing how she turned out as an adult, this gave me hope that “good”/”normal” does exist in a family setting, just unfortunately not mine)

- losing friends that have grown apart

- when my emotions take over my head and i lash out and end up hurting people i love

- the language barrier between brian’s parents and i and the whole slew of problems that comes with

- not being able to fulfill my grandparents’ wish of having great grandchildren aka. my kids right now/soon

- similar to that ^ not being able to spend time with grandparents/mom often while still pursuing my life - only if i can be in two places at once!

- occasionally feeling like no one in my life right now truly understands me and my thoughts

- when people i care about forget/dismiss/don’t do anything for my birthday

- that so much of our world is preoccupied with junk entertainment to care about anything that really matters

- the thought that i will never be able to see this world through after my life. like what will happen to earth/to humanity 50/100/200/1000 years after us? we will never know

- when it creeps up on me that i dont actually have many close friends

....

nothing really comes to mind tbh... i’ve watched a lot of good films and tv shows, but i’m not sure if any of them were particularly life-changing. at least not on a personal level. maybe more so on a “this really expanded my horizon/world view” level.

- to take things less seriously. not everything needs to black or white, right or wrong. i’ve learned that people are multi-faceted, things are circumstantial, and shit happens. 

- i’d like to be able to accept and move on, to think and make peace with the matter, to not dwell on the things beyond my control.

so many things crossed my mind... 

- if money didn’t matter so much, like if we didn’t have to work so hard to achieve these material ideas to “live a good life”

- if there wasn’t so much pressure to be successful - “success” being measured by your career, your partner, your living situation, how you dress, your instagram, how many friends you have etc

- if we can be rid of familial pressure to marry/have children/buy house etc

- if it’s really acceptable to “chase your dreams”, whatever that may be

but then i realized, these are not about the world, these are concepts i PERSONALLY subscribe to, and they can be changed/adjusted

my immediate response to this question was - “what’s my dream?”

one “dream” (i guess?) i can articulate is that i want to be understood - imagine if everyone just understood my mind, my ideas, why i am the way i am...i think life would feel easier, and lighter. it would be so free.

Mhm...to experience, to really live, and to learn.