not the great white hope

‘ there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone’s face, but this is definitely one of them. ’

‘ if you need some love, get a hooker. ’  

‘ i’m the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics ’

‘ red meat kills, enjoy. ’

‘ i can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds. ’

‘ i don’t think you had a childhood. i think you came out a bitter, surly killjoy. ’

‘ are you going to kiss me now? you are so incredibly predictable. ’

‘ okay, see, last night when i said to you: “tomorrow, no matter what, make sure i get up at seven,” what i actually meant was: “tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up seven, in case, when seven comes, I actually wanna get up.” which, as it happens, I didn’t. ’

‘ that’s the last time i buy something just because it’s furry. ’

‘ give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. i need some heroes. ’

‘ jerk! ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-face, miscreant ! ’

‘ this town is like one big outpatient mental institution. ’

‘ i think it’s good to be adopted. if you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals. ’ 

‘ i love you, you idiot ! ’ 

‘ now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? well, don’t do it. i did it once and i had nightmares for a week. bulgarians in speedos. ’ 

‘ i feel like a used car. ’

‘ my life stinks. hey, let’s look into each other’s eyes and say “i wish i were you” at exactly the same time - maybe we’ll pull a freaky friday. ’ 

‘ i just… like to see you happy. ’

‘ it’s a friday night. we should be out, i don’t know, partying with the homies. ’

‘ i can’t date. i’m not genetically set up for it. ’

‘ god, you’re like a pop-up book from hell ! ’

‘ you lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of ‘you had me at hello’. ’

‘ every day that you breathe you make my life harder. ’ 

‘ dude, what’s a bulwark? ’

‘ ladies never get their own eggrolls. ladies never get their own anything. they don’t even get their own ideas. ’

‘ you can’t always control who you’re attracted to, you know? i think the whole angelina jolie/billy bob thornton thing really proves that. ’

‘ only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch ! ’

‘ i pierced my nose. and within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. i went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. i spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face. ’