Hug your local Turian

“So... We got the exploding diarrhea. Here's my advice for anyone who doesn't have it yet:

It's going to take a minute for the government to pin down where this is coming from, and then issue a recall, because the FDA has been gutted. But, I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt : this is coming from Taylor Farms produce, and you will see them recalled.

You'll want to avoid all Taylor Farms produce in the grocery store. They supply McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut, about any fast food place you can think of.

Raspberries, watermelons, cilantro, and the veggies you're hearing about are not causing this many people to get sick. It's the shredded lettuce, specifically, that's the problem. But, you'll want to stay away from every type of produce this company puts out, because one strand of shredded lettuce is all it takes to contaminate bushels.

Taylor Farms is the source. Taco Bell proactively pulled their produce from their restaurants. You're going to see other fast food places doing this, and probably will see that before the government names a source. The FDA knows this, but they can't come out and tell us all until there's proof, which takes resources and research, which takes manpower, but the FDA has been cut by about 20-30%

During the Biden term, onions at McDonald's had ecoli. We knew this because DNA testing was done quickly and they were able to narrow it down to one place that caused the outbreak. And, it was traced back to Taylor Farms. This isn't going to be solved as quickly though.

When you get this, make a virtual appointment to your PCP - a "same day sick" appointment. Tell them someone in your family just tested for this and was positive and was prescribed Bactrim. If you go in person, they're probably going to make you poop in a cup and wait until results come back to prescribe.

You'll know when you get this. Trust me on all of this.

You'll want to stay hydrated because this parasite damages the lining of the small intestine. Your small intestine, in turn, secretes more water into the gut, and less nutrients and liquid are able to remain in the body. So no matter how much you shit, you're going to want to drink. A day of this leads to dehydration if you don't increase your fluid intake, and a few days will land you in the hospital.

If you have headaches, weakness, muscle cramps, dizziness, or an increase heart rate - hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Go to the ER for fluids if you can't drink enough.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Brought to you by America's 250 birthday celebrations, workforce reduction in the FDA and CDC, and viewers like you.

Please feel free to share this.

And, MAGA - don't blow up the comment section. I argued with y'all on COVID bc I was afraid y'all would die, but I really don't care if you get explosive diarrhea.

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.” 

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.” 

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

‘Yep.  Pompeii is legendary.  Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’

‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’

‘…well…’

‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’

‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’ 

‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’

“Oh, ol’ BangBang, Project Orion. Yeah, if we could’ve licked the fallout problem, that would’ve been awesome. No more worrying about payload weight, Orion scales up really nicely. There’s been some talk about reviving that for purely space-to-space travel, as long as you don’t need to land….”

Мне тоже они нравится. (Любая из их версий) Вроде как идея есть что с ними нарисовать, а вроде и нет.😅

Which makes it funnier if they leave them the food (let's say a dragon fruit and steak) and they come to check on the human after a few minutes to see the human staring at them like this

The sight alone is enough to make a grown mech leak oil down their panels as they try to figure out if that pinkish red stuff on their mouth is some poor organic life form that managed to somehow sneak it's way into the enclosure and ended up in the human's mouth, "by primus, what's that in your mouth,SPIT IT OUT NOW!!" As they try to wrestle the steak out of your mouth, as they shake you like how a preschooler shakes their hamster.

Only to see the peels of the dragon fruit laying down beside the piece of steak that you had been busy tearing into with your teeth after having been starved on accident by them

Small and cute

Full of personality

Clever

Able to sneak in places

Fragile

Tiny hands useful for all kinds of tasks

Need protecting sometimes

But will bare their teeth at the world in defense of their friends no matter how big the threat

Do you know those gliding wingsuits? Imagine a human wearing one of those and gliding in a mountain range. Unfortunately, that area is considered deception territory, and one of the elite seeker trine is sent out to investigate. As soon as the human is spotted, however, any cohesive thoughts are out the window because they look like a seekerling. That is a baby seeker alone in the cold!! Where is it's trine?? Baby alone and cold?? Seekers are highly social and very protective of their young, so for them, it's instinct to take care of any seekerlings they can find (I'm imagining either Skywarp or Thundercracker as the yoinker). They bring the human back to hq, and Starscream is infuriated

SS: How. How do you confuse a human for a seekerling?!

SW: BUT look at how stinking CUTE it is?! *holds up human*

TC:...They are really cute, and so small...

SS *beating back the bird emotions because frag the human does look like a seekerling but almost cuter because soft and small*:...Fine. But you both are taking care of it!!

Poor human has just accepted their fate. But it's not actually that bad, all things considered. They get three extra friends to go flying with and get to hang with giant robots. The only problem is that they have three giant fighter jets posted up in their backyard (the human threatened to never go flying with the trine again if they didn't bring them back home).

That’s so cute 😭 I love the concept of wingsuiting! It’s really one of those purely human bad ideas that sound like it shouldn’t be done ever, but you see a video of it and…damn that’s cool.

Bird-Seekers and their new fledgling. Trying so hard to teach you to fly their way, but you can’t. You just know Starscream is going to make Shockwave make you a tiny jetpack or something. Jet powered hang glider.

…Or just teach you to fly in their alt modes. Then you come home one day and they’ve stolen a Eurofighter Typhoon for you and it’s just in your backyard. It’s a shame you weren’t born with wings, but you earned the sky. The trine is now a quartet.

Bonus point for them trying to feed you. And/or pushing you off cliffs to get you to fly. Because fledgling. And puffing up their armor and nesting on you. Defending you from anyone that’s not a Seeker.

Megatron unwisely walking into the Seekers quarters, which now resembles a giant nest filled with takeout containers: Starscream! Why isn’t your trine on patrol -

1. Exploring the concept of Cybertronians being unaware humans are sentient - or, the less scrupulous hiding it in order to make a profit - and adopting humans as “pets” is a very well-established trope, and has its place in fanfiction just the same as any other trope. It’s fun! People like it for a reason!

2. Humans would make the WORST PETS OF ALL TIME, EVER, FULL STOP.

Care requirements are horrible. Complicated. We evolved in harmony with an unutterably delicate and complex ecosystem, and removing us from it without immediately killing us requires three advanced degrees per mech, specialized equipment, and an entire team of scientists, medics, and engineers. If you don’t have the resources of a major xenological park to hand, including the deep pockets of shanix to pay for it all, you’ve already failed.

Behavior wise? Humans lose our shit in captivity. We use captivity as punishment for our species. You throw a human in a cage, and they know they’re in a cage, and it won’t matter what enrichment you provide. They will become unhinged. They will have one goal: to break out of the cage. They will be angry at you when they break out of the cage.

You are getting the hellish combination of an under-stimulated Border collie, an unpredictable chimpanzee, an isolated Seaworld orca missing their pod, with the spite of a recently shaved cat. When your “pet” human breaks out, when, not if, the mech “owner” will wake from recharge to find someone with tiny hands and advanced problem-solving abilities is now living in their walls. They are coming out only with the intention of committing acts of sabotage and violence that would make the DJD think “That’s a bit much.” They are going to kill you in your recharge.

Besides, humans don’t live long compared to mechs. It would be like mechs keeping a fruit fly as a pet, if the fruit fly had opposable thumbs, a shiv made out of scrap metal, and a personal vendetta against the mech for putting them in a cage.

“But humans are domesticated, they even domesticated themselves! They love to play and follow routines and respond to positive stimuli! They’re so cute when they sleep! They pack bond easily!”

And when we did reach an understanding of how hard it would be for us to make contact with other species - if they even exist - one of the first things we did was make the Golden Record, and send it out. Flying blindly through space, just in the bare hope it might, among all the dust and emptiness, find its way into the hands, talons, tentacles, of someone who can think and reason and know we’re here.

It’s like we feel we’re missing something. A part of ourselves that should be there, and isn’t. And we keep looking everywhere to find it - even out in the stars. Enough so that we’ve spent so much money and time building structures to record any incoming signals that might possibly suggest - just suggest - we’re not alone. Even at the risk that what eventually hears us, could come knocking with bad intentions (re: the dark forest theory).

Then you twist that sideways into our silly little TF what-ifs, in-universe. Where we not only meet people who are shockingly similar to us, but are different in ways that fold their strengths into our weaknesses like a letter in an envelope. We challenge each other, we are complementary to one another, we help one another. It not only feels right from a narrative standpoint that humanity and Cybertronians would share a distant, common origin, but in some ways, it makes sense.

If you’re willing to consider either the Allspark being on Earth for a very long time, impacting our species’ evolutionary path; or humans being deeply influenced or even “created” by Unicron being at the heart of the planet; then it’s less a first contact scenario and more of a family reunion.

As much as I like looking at the similarities between cybertronians and humans in an in-lore context, I like it because of the irony. By all intents and purposes, they should be as different as can be. One race is made of flesh, the other metal. One is tiny, the other giant. One is so short lived their lives don't even amount to a blink, the other can live for so long they can watch the births of stars and planets and live to their primes.

Even down to their very lifeblood, they are different.

One is dark red, the other light blue.

They are, quite literally, the color negative of the other.

I made this supper quick, a very nondescript red puddle of nothing you need to worry about, and inverted the color to the puddle bellow that.

Blood and energon.

The difference might as well be written in their DNA and CNA respectively.

And yet.

And yet, they are so, so similar. Personalities, histories, habits, fears, hopes, griefs, desires... even sins.

The relationship humans and cybertronians have on a cosmic scale leaves me in awe.

Primus and Unicron?

Nah, Cybertron and Earth.

they start talking to a human and the human is like "haha yeah that's a crow!" and the alien researcher is like "you called it a 'bird' earlier, is that a different name?" and the human is like "oh a crow is just one species of bird, there's like, 10 others out there"

"On this planet?"

On Earth, the inhabitants are just. Playing and walking LITERALLY STEPPING ON CARPETS OF ORGANISMS the whole time. the aliens are like "it doesn't hurt them??? Can't you just...move them to a place where you don't have to step on them?" and the humans are like "no of course not, grasses evolved to tolerate being stepped on, and besides, more plants would grow there if we tried to move the existing ones"

Alien: I don't understand...why would you not place the solar farms in an area of the planet with no existing ecosystem?

Human: ...what?

Alien: You have rather sophisticated protective gear and have done some space exploration, surely you could establish them in an area of the planet to which life is not yet adapted?

Human: ...there isn't one.

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Only 25% of Earth's species have been formally described, at most."

"that's...that's most of them."

"Yes?"

"Well...I suppose the ocean trenches and abyssal plains must be difficult for you to reach...where did you have to travel for your discoveries?"

"Wait. I believe this is something your language refers to as needing 'unpacking.' The current biodiversity represents a historical low point?"

"Well, a local minimum, as the math people say. But yeah, I think there was some recovery after the Younger Dryas about ten thousand years ago, but for every new species humanity creates intentionally or unintentionally, tens or hundreds have been wiped out. We're not proud of this."

"We will need time to digest this, to the point I'm afraid to ask the next question: NEXT great extinction?"

"Yeah, I forget how many there've been total, and there's some arguing over how bad it has to get before it really counts. A comet or meteor strike 65 million years ago wiped out the majority of life...the majority of species or even genera...there's entire classes of life we didn't know ever existed until we found their fossils a few hundred years ago. And then there's the Permian, when a good chunk of a continent erupted and I think we lost...ninety percent of all species? Maybe more? I'd have to look it up. There was also a mass extinction that just happened because all the continents got pushed together and apparently that was bad for life on land and in the sea. You're looking a little faint...do you need to sit down?"

"But...even a single great extinction has always meant the end of life above the unicellular level, on every world we've visited. This planet has evolved complex incredibly ramified life repeatedly despite three mass extinction events?"

💜sibling dynamics💛

Я наверно постараюсь картинки переводить,но за качество перевода не ручаюсь.

🤎Отец года🤎

Unicron is a clear reference to the devil with horns and wings. Humans once had a tail, so let it be like a demon's.

Human protoforms when they look at another alien race or one of their Cybertronian cousins: So cool, so cool, so cool, so cool, so cool, teach me everything you know. How can I be like you? If I eat your food, could I die? Can I try some of that "energon"? So cool, so cool, so cool, you want to know how my body works and what I'm made of by looking at me? Cool! I'm ahead! Cybertronian cousin? Why are you grabbing me? Why are you pulling me away from the cool alien guy!?

Adult human (a real adult) when they see one of their Cybertronian cousins/some alien: Do you want a life-changing adventure? Can I eat that? Great, thanks! What do you mean my dad almost ate your planet? What do you mean my dad almost killed your dad? Holy crap! Is our dad the devil himself?! Oh, uh, it's an inside joke between humans, you wouldn't get it.

☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆I love that people call their creator god the embodiment of all the evil that devours the universe...dad[Papa](•⩊•)

What could be better than spending time with family watching gladiatorial combat on Monacus? Absolutely nothing. - Unicron