Welcome To My Mind

Sitting in the office I wait, knowing they are pairing me with someone now that I’ve transferred to DSO. I tilt my head back against the chair, waiting for the door to open in silence. The clock on the wall consistently ticks, the only sound filling the room as I stare at the ceiling. As the door opens I don’t move, don’t bother to greet them either. The supervisor who has come with me clears his throat, my eyes drawing to him with a brow raised. “What? Want me to be all sweet and nice? We both know that’s not like me and I’m not changing that.” He sighs, apologizing to whoever it is. I tune it out, playing with the pen in my hand. It goes round and round in my head, because there was a time I was sweet and nice. But that version of me died, leaving behind a broken and hollow human. After they talk for a while my chair is spun around, my supervisor being the one to force me around. “Asshole.” He rolls his eyes, because he’s wiping his hands clean of me and can do so.

“Meet your partner, Leon Kennedy.” I look over to him, seeing him around the same age as me. “Hello. There, you happy?” He shakes his head, leaving soon after. As I stand Leon follows beside me, not having said anything yet. As we are lead to an office I find we will be sharing one, moving to the open desk. A bouquet of flowers sit there, freezing me in place. White roses. My chest tightens, Leon having moved to his desk as I still stand staring at mine. “You ok?” I snap out of it, pushing the memory away once more. “Fine.” I set my stuff down, and when I try to grab the flowers I freeze again with my hand hovering. I close my eyes as I pick them up, tossing them into the trash. “You don’t like white roses?” I take my seat, not sparing him a glance. “No.” He nods, not saying more. It’s quiet, neither of us talking after he gives up. He tried multiple times, but I responded like I do everyone else. Short or not at all. We only talk when necessary, Leon sometimes studying me from a distance. The way I don’t interact with anyone unless I absolutely have to, the way I keep things short and sharp. He’s curious about what caused it, because he had a feeling I wasn’t always like this. He sees what’s behind, that I hide pain with anger and isolation.

He only asked once and learned quickly to never ask again. “What makes you so angry, I can tell you weren’t always like this.” It was his nearly fatal mistake, the pure aggression it had pulled out of me something even Leon Kennedy was scared of. The way I closed in on him quick, a strength he never expected from me as I shoved him to a wall and pinned him with my arm to his throat. “You don’t fucking know me! Don’t act like you care or know anything because you don’t. Mind your own fucking business and stay the fuck out of mine.” Carlos had separated us, knowing me from before. Shoving Carlos’ hands away as I stormed off, disappearing for hours after. When I came back I was silent, didn’t look at him or participate in anything. He noticed the bruised knuckles, skin broken in a way not matching with the punching bags in the gym. They looked rougher, the bruises and lack of use telling him it was possibly fractured.

//

Startling awake I bolt upright, gasping for air with sweat slick skin. It takes me a few minutes to remember where I am, completely out of it from the nightmare. Checking the time it’s four am, only having slept one hour. Deciding to just give up I start getting ready, showering and eating breakfast. It feels like it’s been forever by time I can go into work, entering the building exhausted. Walking into the office I head straight to my desk, dropping my bag unceremoniously to the ground. We leave for a mission today, one that feels like someone has a personal vendetta for me. Going back to a location that haunts me, back to where this all began. They know, and that’s what stings the most. I know it’s a punishment for my actions while there, a punishment for how I’ve been the last year. We were told where we were going last week, and every night since then I’ve woken up after reliving it. Torturing myself for the things that happened, torturing myself for not being quick enough.

Staring out the window my mask slips, a moment of weakness that took over before I even realized it. I don’t hear the door, so deep in my mind that he slips in unnoticed. I snap out when a hand touches my shoulder, quickly whipping around as I slap the hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Leon nods, taking a step back. “I was calling your name.” I ignore him, moving to my desk to check my bag for the millionth time. “I uh… I got you coffee.” I look up, seeing the two cups in the carrier. It catches me off guard momentarily, because despite the way I treat him he still brought me something. Still thought of me enough to grab me a drink too. He sets it on my desk, seeing the quick crack of the anger. It confirms what he’s thought all along, that something turned me into this girl, that there was once a time where the jagged edges weren’t so sharp. Even with the way I act and treat everyone his heart still speeds up when I’m near, finding his mind drifting away to thoughts of me. I clear my throat, taking the coffee without acknowledging it. He sits at his desk, glancing over to watch as I go through the case file again.

The dark circles that have made a home beneath my eyes are prominent, standing out against my skin. We sit in the room, having a quick meeting to go over everything again. I tune it out, not wanting to listen to the things I already know. I’m asked to stay after, Leon walking out as I remain in my seat. “You know your way around this building, I know that you don’t like this. Try to keep a clear head, the faster you finish the quicker you leave.” My anger is worse than normal, and only she knows why. “I know how to do my fucking job, don’t act like I’m not capable.” I feel the most unstable that I’ve been in a while, snapping at people and more angry. Only Leon saw the quick drop of it, the facade cracking like a lightning flash. Leaving to join him in the wings I stand with a decent amount of space between us, eyes on the ground. My head is loud, punishing me for going back. A memory resurfaces, a moment that took place in this very spot.

// Flashback //

“Are you ready?” I look over at her, wide awake while I’m half asleep. The early bird and the night owl. I shrug, feeling her lean over to rest beside me on the wall. “Ready as I’ll ever be, not like we have much of a choice.” She smiles at me, silver eyes bright. “Well, at least it’s a quick in and out. Be back before you know it, actually was gonna ask you something.” I raise a brow, curious to what it could be. “Uh oh, sounds dangerous.” She smacks my arm, laughing at my teasing. “Shut up! I was wanting to ask if you wanted to go get dinner, then a movie or something?” It shocks me, cheeks turning pink at the simple question. It’s usually me who asks, never having expected her to ask. “Um… Sure, I’ll go.” She smiles, before she notices the blush I’ve suddenly got. “Oh my god, are you blushing?!” I quickly look down, trying to school myself. “No, don’t know what you are talking about.” It’s then she starts her own teasing, proud of herself for making me turn pink. “I hate you.” She responds quickly, no hesitation. “No, you don’t.”

// End of flashback //

As we step into the plane I force it away, tucking it back into the box and locking it away once again. Buckling in I don’t even realize I’m doing it, my leg bouncing restlessly as we sit. Leon doesn’t acknowledge it though he does see it, wanting to ask if I’m ok but knowing I will just shut it down. He noticed how I’ve been colder to him, angrier than with others. He doesn’t know if it’s something he did, if I just didn’t like him or I hated him. When we step off the plane I take a breath, the air holding secrets I don’t tell. We take off towards our destination in silence, both ready for anything that could happen. A ghost follows behind me, her laugh in my ears mocking me for coming back. “We should enter through the back, I think there’s a door over there that should let us in unnoticed.” I don’t think, I know there is I just don’t want to reveal I’ve been here before. “Sounds like a plan.”

As we enter I feel my heart race, swallowing it down as I try to ignore it. We begin searching the building for what we need, the lack of noise feeling wrong. The air carries a weight of unease, a bomb waiting to go off. We get there too easily, Leon keeping watch as I begin to get into the computer system. Just as I finish collecting the evidence an alarm goes off, both of us jumping as we know we don’t have much time. “Come on, we need to get out of here.” We take off, met with people in the hallways. We take turns shooting, bullets passing too close for comfort. As I begin to reload I feel a sharp pain, a bullet passing through my arm that begins to bleed profusely. “Fuck!” I see Leon turn to look, seeing the blood and calling out. “You’re hit!” Finished reloading I call back, trading fire once again. “No shit Sherlock!” Finally getting through them we continue pushing, still on high alert. “We need to stop and patch you up, you are bleeding a lot.” I shake my head, despite knowing he’s right. “I can look later, I’m fine.”

He grabs my good arm, pulling me with him behind cover. “I said I’m fine!” He ignores me, pulling out his knife and cutting my sleeve. “Thanks for that jackass, this was new by the way.” He grunts as he rolls my sleeve up above the cut, already used to my remarks. “Need to see what I’m doing and don’t think you’d like being shirtless in the field.” I remain silent, anger still thrumming as he inspects the injury. “It’s through and through, should be good just wrapping it until we get back for medical attention.” I don’t reply, allowing him to wrap the gunshot wound with gauze and tie it off. “There you happy? Can we go now.” He stands up, but instead of walking he stops me. “Do you hate me or something?” It freezes me momentarily, the true reason I’m worse to him than anyone else not one I plan to share. “Let’s move-” He cuts me off, finally fed up. “You don’t get to just avoid it y/n! You treat me like shit even more than you treat everyone else, you act like I’m the worst fucking person in the world. So what have I done huh?” I whip around, argument starting.

“What? You think just because we work together I’m supposed to be all sweet and nice? Sorry to break it to you but I couldn’t care less! I’m only here with you because it’s my job and you are who I was assigned with, I don’t baby people if you want babying go find someone else!” Before he can answer a loud shot suddenly breaks the air, everything following feeling like it’s in slow motion. The bullet rips through Leon’s side, his body dropping immediately. I take cover, fear threatening to swallow me whole. It was a lone shooter, quickly finding them and taking him out. Moving to Leon my hands shake, already pressing against the wound before trying to make contact with Hunnigan. “I need an evac now! Leon’s shot!” My voice is shaking, panic swelling. My brain struggles to separate the present from the past, the situation too similar to the last time I was here. “Y- you’re gonna be ok Leon, you’re gonna be alright.”

I don’t get a response, calling again before realizing I don’t have signal. “Fuck! We don’t have signal here we need to move, I- I’ll help you come on.” I don’t even realize I began crying, only noticing the slight shake in my hands. I help him sit up, a noise of pain leaving him as he stands. I stop him, pulling my jacket off my waist and using it as a bandage for the time being. Left in only a sports bra I pull his arm over my shoulder, beginning to walk with him. “I just need to get us somewhere I get signal, I’m gonna get us out of here I promise.” It’s a complete 180, from being how I normally am to who’s in front of him right now. Leon’s breathing gets heavier, trying to keep weight off me. He sees it, the fear that’s swallowing me whole. As he begins to lean more and more of his weight on me I continue pushing, hoping to find signal. We make it to a grassy area when he collapses, pulling me down with him. His eyes are barely open, scrambling onto my knees beside him.

“No! Come on, don’t do this Leon! Don’t fucking do this!” He smiles, reaching his hand to where mine rests on his wound. “It’s alright.” I shake my head, tears freely falling. Before I can respond my ear piece crackles to life, the voice bringing me a renewed sense of hope. “Leon, y/n come in.” I quickly answer, voice rushed and panicked. “I need evac now, Leon is shot!” It’s not calm, nowhere near it. It’s a cry, a begging plea. “Ok, I’m sending them now. Is he awake.” I don’t answer, turning back to Leon. “They are coming ok? Just stay awake, don’t fucking close your eyes.” He reaches up, fingers grazing my jaw. It’s the first time in a long time I don’t pull away from someone, I don’t flinch or hit, I just let him. “I’m gonna be fine either way it goes, it’s part of the job.” I force myself to stay present, but begin to lose it when his eyes close and don’t open again. Pulling him into my lap I continue holding pressure, his blood beginning to cover my skin. He’s still breathing, still has a pulse but my brain can’t distinguish between his state and the last time I was in this position. I finally hear the evac team arriving, only partially calming me.

When they move to take him I start to panic, trying to hold onto him until I’m pulled away. I start fighting immediately, not stopping even once I register the voice. “Y/n, calm down! Calm down.” He has me in a hold I can’t squirm out of, despite the way I’m thrashing in an attempt to get away. “Get off of me! I’ll fucking kill you!” He knows I don’t mean it, and after another few minutes of venomous words spit out I stop fighting. My entire body loosens, beginning to cry. “Come here.” Carlos pulls me into a hug, one hand on the back of my head not caring of the blood that transfers from me to him. “I know, I know. It’s gonna be ok, he will be alright. You did good, you got him to safety and medics are taking him. You did good.” I snap quickly once more, shoving him away and putting distance as he lets me. He knew the trauma, because he was the one who had to pull me away then too. He was there the first time and when he heard about this one he came again. Because even when I pushed him away he still stuck around, showing up when I need it. I walk with Carlos to the plane that will take me, going back to headquarters while Leon is life flighted to the hospital.

//

I drive to the hospital they took him to, not yet sure of his state. As I walk in I see multiple familiar faces, choosing to sit away from everyone else. I didn’t bother to clean the blood, having immediately left once we got back. My skin still carries the evidence of his injury, my clothing branded. I drift off into my head, completely out of it as I sit and wait.

// Flashback //

“What would you do if I died?” I look over at her, confused on where it’s coming from. “What do you mean? Why are you asking that?” She shrugs, avoiding my eyes as we lay in the grass looking at the night sky. “I don’t know, just curious I guess.” I look away, not really sure how to answer. “I don’t know because you aren’t gonna die.” She scoffs, the reaction striking a nerve. “We both know it’s not promised anymore. It’s very real one of us could die.” I don’t respond, because I know I’ll say something I’ll regret if I answer now. “Oh so you aren’t gonna answer? Really?” I let out a breath through my nose, the way she’s adamant about it not going over well. “Yeah I’m not gonna fucking answer because there’s no fucking reason for it! What do you want me to say? That I’d die with you? That I would never move on?” Her face falls, and I know I’ve fucked up instantly. “So that’s how it is, that how you feel?” I try to back track, trying to take it back but there’s no going back. “Wait I-” She cuts me off, standing up as she responds. “I don’t wanna hear it, you said how you feel. Glad you finally told me how little you fucking care.” She walks away, leaving me by myself. The next day she doesn’t talk to me, ignoring me unless absolutely necessary.

// End of flashback //

I snap out of it, finally hearing my name being called. Carlos is crouched down, nodding for me to follow him. “I’m not leaving.” I can see why he’s staying close, everything that he witnessed after the first time keeping him on edge now. “I’m not saying you are, just gonna clean you up a bit.” I stand but still don’t move, hesitating. “Jill or Claire will come get us if they hear anything.” Finally accepting it I walk with him, heading into a separate room. He wets some paper towels, taking my left hand first. It’s quiet, his focus on cleaning my skin of blood. “Why are you here?” He doesn’t pause his actions, doesn’t think about his answer. “Because you need someone, no matter how much you think you pushed me away I’ve always been here and always will be. Even from a distance.” I fall quiet again, long enough that the blood is cleaned from my skin before speaking again. “I don’t know why I keep doing it, I just… I’m so angry all the time, treat everyone like shit and can’t stop it. She would hate who I am, I became the exact person she always hated. I started and just can’t stop, because it’s my fault she’s dead. Then I go back to the same exact place and the same thing happens again, and I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Tears threaten to fall again, trying to will them away like I always do. “It was the same thing, damn near identical. I’ve already seen it before, lived it before and a year later it’s happening again. All of it, the injury being a gunshot and an argument right before. I don’t know why I keep failing people.” He sees the internal fight, because he’s known me long enough to notice everything. “It’s not your fault, it’s never been your fault. What happened today and what happened last year, none of it was ever your fault. You can’t blame yourself for things you can’t control, because it’s going to keep eating away at you until there is nothing left. You can still be that girl from before, maybe not exactly the same but you can be similar to her. You are still a good person, always have been. You go into things with the best intention at heart but sometimes shit happens. Stop blaming yourself, let yourself feel it. You hide behind anger because it feels easier to be angry than to handle your real feelings. You can have feelings, it doesn’t make you weak.” I break, tears falling again as he tries pull me in. Pushing him away hard he backs off, following behind me as I return to the waiting room. Sitting on a chair I curl my knees to my chest, laying my head on my knees.

Another hour passes before the doctor walks in, calling for us as we all walk up. Carlos left about thirty minutes ago, being called back to the office as Claire subconsciously took his place. I stand behind everyone, letting them be at the front. “He’s gonna be just fine, surgery went smooth and he should wake up here in a little bit. If you’d like y’all can go see him.” As everyone heads down the hall Claire pauses, seeing the way I don’t move to follow. “You coming?” I shake my head, unable to meet her eyes. “No, I’m gonna head home. I’m pretty tired. I’ll come back later.” The way I say I’ll be back isn’t reassuring, both of us knowing I won’t be back. “Ok.” Turning to leave I make it to my car, climbing in and heading home. It keeps me awake all night, trapped in a torrent of thoughts in my mind. The wound in my own arm patched once I got home, not allowing anyone to see it because Leon was more important. When Leon wakes up everyone else is there, his eyes looking for me. He talks to the others for a bit before asking, having given me time in case I had just stepped out. “Where’s y/n?” Claire looks down, shifting her position before she answers. “She went home, left once we knew you were ok. Said she would be back.” His face falls slightly, remembering my reaction when he had been shot, remembering the pure fear in my eyes and the tears that fell.

//

I never go to the hospital, locking myself in my house until I’m required to come back to work. I’m not sure when Leon comes back, having avoided him even to the point of conversations involving him. I’m not sleeping, barely eating and running off fumes. Nightmares stealing everything from me, haunted by too much. I requested to work alone and it was granted, given I didn’t really make it a choice. Beginning to go on missions alone just weeks after the last one with Leon, getting tangled up a few times but nothing too serious. Coming back with my work done, a job well done in the governments eyes. I got my own office, moving across the floor to an extra one that had sat empty for a while. Despite the conversation with Carlos I’m still not allowing myself to feel anything, relying on anger to hide it. Even meaner now, angrier in a way that makes people avoid me at all costs. Worse than I’ve ever been before.

Sitting at my desk I hear a knock, not exactly wanting to see anyone. “What do you want?” I hear shuffling, looking up from my report. “It’s Leon, just wanted to check on you.” I hesitate, something begging me to let him in but as normal, hostility overrules anything else. “Go away, I don’t need to speak to you about anything.” He sighs, staying at my door for a little longer before leaving. I hardly leave my office, Leon only seeing me from a distance. He’d come back to my office a few more times, never getting me to open the door. Being drug into a meeting I walk in, Chris having to come personally escort me there knowing I would skip out if he didn’t. Walking in my eyes find Leon’s, quickly looking away. He sees it though, the dark circles beneath my eyes and how I’ve gotten thinner. It’s what confirms his theory, that I’m avoiding him out of guilt for what happened.

“Now that everyone is here-” I grumble under my breath as I cross my arms, Chris glaring at me when I do. “Not by choice.” He sighs, placing both hands on the table. “Now that everyone is here.” He gives me a pointed glare, as if telling me to keep my mouth shut. “We have a mission, there’s been a small outbreak in a town a couple hours from here. We are going in and checking it out, whatever we come across we take out and if anyone is there and not infected we bring them back to base. We will have teams to cover more ground, it will be a two day mission.” He turns to me again, and I know whatever comes next is pointed directly to me. “You, stop hiding injuries. If you get injured you report and get treatment.” I roll my eyes, Leon’s head snapping to me. “Why waste people’s time when I’m capable of doing it myself.” Leon speaks up before Chris can tell me off, brows furrowed. “What do you mean hiding injuries?” As I tell him to mind his business Carlos answers, still not happy with the fact I hid a gunshot from everyone including him multiple times now. “When you got shot she did too and didn’t say a word, went home and stitched it shut herself. She has now done that two more times since then. She’s lucky there’s no permanent damage.” I lean forward, placing my arms on the table. “Like I said before, no damage no use being seen. Now can we get this fucking meeting over with so I can be done.”

Everyone in this room is used to my attitude to the point it doesn’t affect them, as well as Carlos having told them I wasn’t always like this but not telling them what exactly caused the change. Chris finishes the details, moving on to the partners he preassigned. “Claire, you are going with Jill. Carlos you are with me and Leon-” I stand up, finally done with it. “Fuck that! I’m not going with Leon!” Leon looks hurt, as if I’d physically hurt him. “It’s not up for negotiation, it’s an order.” I give a bitter laugh, throwing my hands up before walking out. “Whatever.” Going to my office I slam the door, sitting at my desk stewing in frustration. My head pounds, hands shaky with the news I’ll be with Leon. I don’t want a repeat, I don’t want to witness it again and fail a third time. But I have no choice, getting a knock on my door minutes later. “Who is it.” It comes out shaky, trying to keep steady but my chest is tightening too quickly. The door opens slowly, footsteps coming in quietly.

“You ok?” Carlos asks as he walks in, moving closer with hesitant steps. I nod, though the way I can’t verbalize it is telling enough. “Deep breaths, in and out.” I find myself following his instructions, beginning to ramble, revealing things. “I don’t wanna fail again, I can’t fail again. I failed Maya, I can’t fail Leon or anyone more than I already have. I can’t lose anyone else.” My breathing is still fast, chest beginning to physically hurt from the movements. “You aren’t failing anyone, take some breaths. None of it is your fault and never has been, you can’t keep blaming yourself. Leon is still here, he’s ok and is fully recovered. Because of the aid you gave him he made it, you did everything you could both times.” He eventually gets my breathing back to normal, standing straight again before he delivers another message. “Chris said for everyone to go home so we can pack and get sleep.” I nod, grabbing my bag and tossing it over my shoulder. “See you in the morning.”

//

Arriving to the small town we get out, hopping off the truck as I hold my bag and weapons. As we all stand in a group we get briefed again, being given our areas of focus and which houses we will stay in. Leon stands beside me, waiting to be given the all clear to head out. “Everyone keep your eyes open, use comms and report anything of importance. We meet back here at seven tonight.” Setting off we begin walking in silence, my eyes continuously scanning as I feel Leon’s eyes on me. “There a reason you are staring at me Kennedy.” He shakes his head, quickly looking away at being caught. If it weren’t for the gun in my hands they’d be shaking, adrenaline already high from being partnered with him again. As we walk I see a quick movement inside an empty building behind Leon, taking a slow step closer to make sure it wasn’t in my head. It happens quickly, the door bursting open as what was clearly previously a resident barreling out. I quickly raise my gun, pulling the trigger.

Leon whips around, looking over at me seconds after. “Thanks.” My eyes are stuck on the crumpled body, ripping them away as I hear Leon step closer. “You ok?” I quickly move past him, leaving him to follow. “I’m fine.” He sighs, falling into step beside me once again. It remains relatively quiet the rest of the day, only speaking to each other when necessary. My answers are cold and sharp, finally entering the cabin the two of us have been assigned to. Dropping my stuff I reach for my comms, calling that we had made it back to our room and what we had come across. Chris gives us the all clear, turning the earpiece off and sighing. Sitting on the couch I pull my boots off, hearing Leon moving around behind me. "You hungry?" I ignore him, eventually earning a sigh. "What have I done to you? Tell me what the fuck I've done that gives me this fucking treatment! You are nowhere near as hostile with everyone else than you are with me, please just tell me what I did!"

I close my eyes, trying not to give in. I shake my head, attempting to tell him to drop it. "Am I that bad of a person? Is it so-" I snap, standing up and turning around to face him. "It's not always about you! It has nothing to do with you!" My chest heaves, breath coming short as I feel seconds away from breaking. "Just... Drop it Leon." I turn away, feeling tears well up. "You aren't angry... You're scared." The first tear falls, closing my eyes as the frustration from showing weakness sits on my shoulders. “You don’t have to be, I’m right here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still right here." I hear him stepping closer, steps tentative as he moves. "If you think it's your fault what happened the last time we were on a mission-" I turn around fast, shoving his chest. "Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!" He allows me to hit his chest, not bothering to stop me. "You don't get it! Nobody fucking gets it or understands! Stop trying to act like you get it, nobody fucking understands what it feels like!" I try hitting him harder, trying to get him to fight back.

“Fight back!” He doesn’t miss a beat, still not moving to do anything yet. “No.” He catches me off guard, because instead of fighting back he does the exact opposite. Wrapping his arms around me he hugs me, and the more I fight him the tighter he holds. "Let me go!" He shakes his head, feeling the way I'm rigid and fighting still. "No." After another few minutes fighting him I finally stop, melting into him as I cry. He loosens his grip, giving the option to pull away though I don't take it. I let him hold onto me, bringing my own arms around him and holding onto him like he’s the only thing keeping me here. When I usually fight they let me go, allowing me to shove them away. But Leon doesn't, he held me despite the way I fought him and just waited for me to stop. "It's ok, it's ok." His voice is quiet, a tone only meant for us and the darkness. The words fall from my tongue, not exactly sure for the reasoning. "I'm sorry." He shakes his head, brushing his fingers through my hair. "Don't apologize, there's no reason to." Without letting me go he begins guiding me to the couch, sitting down with me in his arms.

I didn’t realize how much I needed it, needed someone to just hold onto me.

Someone to say that it was ok.

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep, my head in his lap as his hand brushed through my messy hair. It’s the first time I’ve properly slept in a long time, Leon carefully lifting me up into his arms, I nuzzle my face into his chest as he walks me to the bed. Laying me down I wake up just a bit, catching his wrist before he can move too far. “Stay.” His blue eyes bounce between my half open ones, the vulnerability there stealing the air from his lungs. “Ok.” I scoot over as he gets into the bed with me, finding my way back into his arms after he gets comfortable. We both fall asleep quick, my hands tangled in his shirt as if trying to make sure he doesn’t leave.

//

As the morning sun filters through the curtains I begin to wake up, eyelids fluttering open. Leon’s arm is wrapped over my waist, his chest to my back as his breaths warm my skin. We shifted at some point in the night, still tangled together. I move carefully, managing to slip from his arms without waking him. I watch him for another moment before swallowing nervously, unsure of what to do now that he’s the surface. Taking my guns apart I begin cleaning them all, the movement blocking out the thoughts for now. Hearing his footsteps I still don’t look up, not sure what to say or do. As he sits down beside me I finally meet his eyes, the blue catching me in their hold. He opens his mouth to speak, but before he can say a single word Chris’ voice cuts into my ear piece. “Everyone check in.” I lift my hand to connect, answering for both Leon and myself. After he’s heard from everyone he calls us to meet back up for our areas today. I don’t say anything to Leon, quickly standing up and moving to get myself ready. I don’t look back at him, walking to the group as I slide back into that damned safe place.

As we all arrive Leon stands beside me, the tension in his body making something twist in my chest. I move slightly, the gentle brush of my knuckles to his. A quiet way of saying I’m here, and in return he does the same before linking my pinky with his. Carlos catches it, the slight movement though neither of us show it on our face. Once the briefing is over we all head to our areas, Leon walking by my side as we clear buildings. The last few hours had been calm, too calm, the air carrying lingering danger. “Let’s head into that building, looks like some type of city building.” I nod, following him to the door before speaking again. “You go left, I’ll go right.” After agreeing we enter silently, the building large with a multitude of hallways and floors. The sound of my boots on the floor is soft, dust that was long undisturbed now floating in the air. I can faintly hear Leon moving, taking his path through the left side of the room. As I finally reach the fourth floor I take the hallways carefully, taking out the stragglers of infected civilians. As I enter the last room I find no one, about to leave when something just barely catches the beam of my light.

I stop mid movement as I grab it, Leon’s voice calling for me. “Y/n?” I put the photo down, taking one last look before heading off. Stepping out of the doorway I walk over, relief finding his features. “I’m here, just thought I heard something so I went slower through that room. It’s all clear.” He nods, eyes scanning me before we move. I feel on edge, continuously keeping an eye out for anything else. I keep it to myself, not sure what exactly the discover means. Trying to convince myself it’s nothing, to make myself believe it was just a random isolated incident. Walking into the safe house I remain quiet, Leon having noticed the shift. “You ok?” It takes me a second to realize he’s talking to me, quickly looking up with my brows furrowed. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He has a look in his eyes, one that means he sees what I play dumb about. “Just checking, seems like you’re thinking about something.” I remove my jacket, instead of answering that I claim the shower first. Locking myself in the small bathroom to breathe, take a moment to myself before I go back out.

Starting the shower I wait for it to warm up, beginning to strip my clothing off until I’m left with nothing. I don’t take long, not wanting to steal all the hot water and force Leon into a cold shower. Dressing quickly I step out of the room, collecting my dirty clothes and putting them away before walking into the main room. “Hey, showers open. Left you some hot water.” He nods, handing me some food. “I won’t be long.” I sit on the couch in the room, curling up in the corner. “Alright.” As he shuffles through his bag I slowly eat, mind still preoccupied. Why was there a photograph, why was it fresh like it had just been sat there recently, like it was specifically for me to find. Why did it feel familiar. Leon eventually disappears into the bathroom, the shower running once again. By time Leon steps out I’ve finished eating, sitting against the wall playing with my knife. He comes to join me, slowly lowering to the ground beside me as if testing the space. “Where’d you learn to do that?” I furrow my brows, momentarily confused on what he means. “What?” He nods to where I’m tossing and catching my switchblade, his eyes tracking the movement. “The way you are tossing your switchblade, never seen someone do it like that before.”

I shrug, the person who taught me having said she taught herself. Makes sense he hadn’t seen it like this before, given it was her trick. “Someone showed me.” He doesn’t ask me to show him, seeing the way my eyes showed a flash of pain leaving him to drop it. So he observes, though one thing tugs at his mind. Because it had slipped from Carlos the other day, a name that was connected to me in some way. Leon’s next question catches me off guard, a strange mixture of grief and anger clashing violently. “Who is Maya?” I look up quick, surprised that my neck didn’t crack from how fast the movement was. “How the fuck do you know her name?” I stand up, Leon following as well. “I-” I shake my head, heading straight to the door and throwing it open. My fists clench and unclench, beginning to storm off to where Carlos and Chris are staying. Catching sight of Carlos I rush up, him turning just in time for me to shove him into the wall. My arm presses across his throat, his brows furrowed in confusion. “What all are you fucking telling people!” He only looks more confused. “What are you talking about? What did I say to who?” I feel my hands shake, my heart in my throat. “You know who! You ran your mouth about her! No one here knows her other than you!” Just as I move to hit him Chris is pulling me off him, my breath still heavy and eyes full of anger. Carlos rubs his neck, his eyes full of hurt as he watches me. “Fuck you.” Chris lets me go, my breath still heavy. Carlos shakes his head, throwing his hands up.

“You aren’t the only one who knew her y/n! She mattered to other people too! She fucking mattered to me! I know I may not feel exactly the same way you did but I do know that I cared about her. Fuck I can’t do this all the fucking time with you! I’m sorry Maya died but you don’t get to sit and take it out on everyone else! You don’t wanna talk about her fine but it doesn’t change the fact she’s fucking dead! At least you got to say goodbye!” The guilt and grief kicks in, eyes falling to the floor. I turn without another word, beginning to walk off in a random direction. Carlos calls my name as I walk faster, trying to avoid everyone. “Y/n wait…” Ignoring him I make it a little further before Leon attempts to follow me, but when I whip around and tell him to leave me alone he does. Finding an area far enough away I feel tears that threaten to fall, and in order for them not to fall I resort to the normal approach for me. My fist finds the tree, bark cutting into my knuckles with every punch. I swap hands, going until there’s a pain in my right hand that grows strong. It distracts me, my knuckles red with blood and a pain when I move my hand. The tears are long gone, never having a chance to fall. Once the thoughts are long gone I make the trip back to the cabin, the soft orange glow of the light shining through the window greeting me. As I make my way up the porch I carefully open the door, stepping inside.

Turning to look Leon stands, walking over as his eyes scan me. He carefully takes my hands one at a time, flinching in pain when he grabs my right hand. “Let me patch you up.” He doesn’t call me out on the situation, just offers to clean my open wounds. I let him lead me to the couch, exhaustion tugging at me. Not only physical exhaustion, also mental. As I sit he retrieves the med kit, moving to sit in front of me. Perched on the end of the coffee table he takes my left hand first, pulling out the antiseptic and wiping the blood and dirt from the open sores. He moves slow, thumb brushing my skin in a comforting motion. I watch him, the way he moves slowly as he thoroughly cleans the injuries. He bandages my left hand, wrapping gauze around my knuckles before taping it off. As he moves to the right I flinch, his eyes flicking to mine. “Broken?” I shrug, looking at my slightly swollen hand. “Hairline fracture probably. Nothing I haven’t felt before.” He nods, trying to be as careful as he can while cleaning that hand. “Probably should see a doctor for it, if it is fractured you need to take care of it properly.” I don’t directly respond, just giving a little shrug. “I’ll be fine, not the first time.” I can see the way his shoulders drop a little, like he was hoping for a different answer. “Is that why sometimes when you take off you come back with scraped up knuckles?” I ignore the question, feeling too vulnerable for the conversation.

Because it feels like he’s unraveling the tight wire from my heart, like he’s trying to take out the poison that replaces blood. He doesn’t press more, as if he knows better, as if he’s learned the signs and memorized them. “Why are you doing this?” He looks up, having just finished properly wrapping my right hand to give it support. “What do you mean?” I avoid his eyes, instead beginning to fidget with the end of the bandage on my right hand. “Being nice, patching me up and talking to me like you care?” My hair hangs down, hiding my conflicted expression. “I do care, I’m patching you up because I know you won’t do it yourself. I’m talking to you because I know even if you pretend you don’t need it you do, everyone needs someone. I care about you; you aren’t some monster who deserves nothing. Even if that's what you tell yourself." I don’t know how to respond, the words similar to the girl who haunts me.

// Flashback //

As she drags me to the chair I groan, already knowing what she’s doing. “Maya you don’t have to patch me up I’m fine I promise, I can do it later.” She shakes her head, pointing to the chair. “Nope, I know you won’t do it yourself so sit.” I sigh, slumping into the chair she pulled out for me. “Alright fine. I don’t know why you do this though. I don’t need someone to take care of me.” She begins cleaning the cut on my face, smiling softly. “You’re right, you don’t need someone but you deserve to have someone. So I am being your someone because everyone needs to have at least one person in their corner.” I don’t know how to respond, falling quiet as I let it sink in. She doesn’t bother to break it either, giving me the space to process after learning more about me from bunking together. As she finishes cleaning my injuries she pulls away, beginning to clean up the mess. It’s quiet when I do talk, not used to someone treating me like I matter. “Thank you.” She smiles, looking over at me as she responds. “You’re welcome.” It’s quiet for a moment, her eyes on mine before they dip to my lips.

She moves slow, hand moving to brush my hair from my face. A shiver runs through me, not realizing the moment I melt into the touch. She leans in, my breath hitching before she closes the distance. She keeps one hand on my cheek, the other resting on my side as she kisses me. When we finally pull away she presses her forehead to mine, both of us smiling like idiots. “Wanted to do that for the longest time.” I huff a laugh, her smile only getting bigger. “How long?” She pulls away, shrugging dramatically. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

// End of flashback //

I stand suddenly, looking away from him because my mind wants to play tricks over him. "I'll keep watch, not tired." I can't quite read the look on his face, Leon clearing his throat before he speaks. "Ok. If you get tired just let me know, we will switch at two so wake me up then." I only offer a nod, grabbing my guns to clean. Just so my head doesn't wander to far, just so I can for a moment pretend that Leon isn't cracking something open I've tried so hard to bury. I don't bother to wake him once the clock strikes two, instead I keep it to myself. Taking a double shift to avoid sleep, to avoid the possibility of seeing her face.

//

"I told you to wake me at two." I don't bother to look up, continuing to take inventory of what all is here. "Who are you my fucking parent?" He looks almost shocked, like he wasn't expecting the coldness there, looking over me like he's trying to find something. "Huh?" I drop the notebook on the table, crossing my arms. "You came in here like I owed you something, asking why I didn't wake you like I am supposed to fucking act on your every little command." His eyes fill with hurt, the look on his face nearly making me crack. But that's why I have to do this, because he's getting too close. Wiggling his way beneath the surface and into the zone that carries nothing but danger and pain. "So, you are going back to doing this huh?" He moves past me, beginning to do a check over his weapons. "Doing what? Be who I am? Sorry but I don't know what you fucking thought you were getting. Like I told you before, you want to be coddled like a baby find it somewhere else." He huffs an equally cold laugh, the sound grating at my heart. "Wow, almost thought you were actually capable of being nice." I shrug, pulling my harness on as I still refuse to face him.

"That's on you, shouldn't get your hopes up. I'm only here for the job, I don't care about anything else." It's silent after that, neither of us breaking the hostile air. I stand with as much space between us as I can, getting our final area assigned before taking off. It's hard, knowing that it hurts him how quickly I whipped back to the way I previously treated him. Feeling his eyes glancing over at me every so often as if begging to meet mine, like maybe once we make eye contact it'll be back to the temporary softness. "You got a fucking staring problem or something?" It's biting, dripping with the same poison that I bleed. "Fuck you." The anger laced in the two words is my hopeful confirmation that he is realizing that it would've never worked, a hopeful confirmation that he won't try to stick around. "Fuck you too." As we approach two buildings we clear the immediate area, entering one each as we silently clear them. It’s quiet, but the hair begins to raise on the back of my neck as if sensing something. I don’t think anything of it, not wanting to lose my focus. Walking through the next hall I find a room that catches my attention, a singular light illuminating from below the frame.

I debate calling it out over comms, but I decide not to. Instead I push the door open slowly, gun raised just in case. What I find makes my skin crawl, scanning the room more before moving deeper. As I take a closer look I brush a finger over the vial with a glowing blue liquid, the substance almost sparkling. I move a couple papers on the desk, skim reading over it to see if there’s anything of importance. I fail to hear the movement behind me, seeing the chart and trying to memorize the information leaving my guards down. A cold barrel finds the back of my head, my entire body freezing up. I keep my breath calm, slowly raising my hands in a mock surrender. “You really had to go snooping didn’t you. If you had just minded your own business then you would’ve been just fine.” I look around without moving, thinking of what to do. “Who are you? What are you doing with this?” He keeps the gun to my head, my jaw clenched tight. “I’m no one you need to know. You and your friends came into my area, I was going to leave y’all be but you have found things you weren’t supposed to.”

I think it through, knowing that going for my gun is not the smart choice. I begin to sneak my knife out of its sheath, sliding it up my sleeve to hide it. “You have me, I’m the only one who saw stuff so no need to mess with anyone else. They didn’t see anything so why bother, just digging a deeper hole if you do.” He reaches his hand around to grab my chin, the movement making my hands twitch with the restraint it takes to keep from attacking him. “Maybe not, but it’s your fault you know. They haven’t found anything but if I take just you I’m sure your friends will find out and come after you. So it leaves me no choice.” I try to buy time, searching for something to bring up until I remember yesterday’s discovery. “There was a photograph I found yesterday, thought one of the people in it looked familiar. Who were they?” He trails his hand away from my chin, still holding me tightly in place. "Some old... buddies of mine. I think you knew one of them actually, well not them but someone related to them." I furrow my brows, trying to keep composure though that tidbit of information leaves me to take the bait he clearly laid out on a silver platter. "What do you mean?"

He walks to stand in my peripheral view, a sickening smile on his face. "Well, if I'm not mistaken you were extremely close to a girl, close is an understatement. You and Maya were in a very serious relationship right?" I tense up, feeling a wave of fear surge into my throat. The quick image of the engagement ring I’d been stolen the chance of giving her. “Yeah, y'all were a couple. Sad that she had to go, died in your arms. I can't imagine how traumatizing that was, losing the person you love and not able to do anything to stop it from happening. She just got too close and had to be eliminated before she exposed things that were never supposed to come to light." I crack slightly, emotion slipping into the words without my permission. "You had her killed on purpose?" He lets me turn to face him completely, my anger beginning to slowly brew. "Yes, because she was about to find out things she had no business being in. The one you said looked familiar was the dark-haired man to the very left, correct?" I slowly nod, gripping the handle of the knife harder. "Her brother was a very helpful side of our team, such a contrast how different the two were. One sibling fighting against what the other is contributing to."

A shiver runs through as I finally recall why he had been so familiar, only having met her twin brother once in the years we knew each other. Before I can say anything in response there's a noise from the street below, soon followed by a shout. I quickly move to try and attack but he beats me to it, catching my arm and snapping the bone. "Nice try." Just as a call of my name is yelled a piercing hot pain bursts through my side and a slice to my broken arm, immediately sending me to the ground. I try to call out but it doesn't work, the shock of being stabbed so quickly catching me off guard. I don't see the direction which he flees, hearing Leon's voice getting closer as I roll onto my side away from the door. I suck in deep breaths, coughing from the pain that vibrates through my chest. Footsteps approach quickly, hearing them before his shoes come into view. “Y/n!” He rushes over, quickly kneeling beside me as he rolls me to my back. “What happened?” He’s immediately pulling at my gear, eyes wide at the quickly pooling blood that spurts from my arm, searching for where the second injury hides before I answer through a wheeze.

“My ribs. Arms also broken.” He presses his hand to my side, nodding his head as he tries to keep himself calm. “Ok, you’re going to be alright. I need to put a tourniquet on your arm, you’ve got an arterial bleed. Then we’ve got to get you up and moving.” Although I know he's right part of me doesn't want to, instead wishing to lie here. "No, just go." He completely ignores me, as if I hadn't said a word. He pulls his belt off quick, wrapping it high on my arm before tightening it. I let out a scream, the pain blurring my vision as he whispers apologies. Lifting me up I bite back a cry, another apology leaving his lips. "I'm sorry, I know it hurts. I've got you." I accept he's not going to leave me behind, so I decide to actually try and help him as we walk. He guides me out of the building through the streets, blood seeping through his fingers where he still holds pressure on my side. I keep scanning the surroundings, vision blurring before I force it to clear. Trying to stay awake, watch our backs since I'm useless otherwise. I feel lightheaded, the more we move the worse it gets. "Leon, we need to stop." He shakes his head, only holding on tighter. "We can't, we need to get you out of here." Not responding I try to follow, but my body eventually gives out. Falling to the ground I pull him with me, Leon being caught off guard by the sudden shift of weight. "Fuck."

Leon quickly adjusts, scooping me into his arms as my head falls to the crook of his neck. "Hey, need you to talk to me. What's your favorite color?" It pulls a small breath of a laugh from me, because of all things he asks my favorite color. "Black." He hums, like he had expected it. "Sounds about right." It's quiet for a minute, and maybe it's the blood loss that makes me say things. Or maybe it's the fact I may actually die. "Maya was my partner, but also... more. We met in training, they had us staying in a shared room. Clicked and then things just happened, after we graduated they kept us together as partners. She cared for me like no one else ever did, treated me like I meant something. Last year we were on a mission when we got into an argument, she asked me what I would do if she died and I didn't want to think about that. When I didn't answer it she got upset and I snapped like I always do, because when I get scared I lash out instead of talk. I said stupid shit and regretted it immediately, but I couldn't take it back. She didn’t talk to me the rest of that night and the next day, I tried to apologize but she didn’t wanna hear it and she had every right.” I trail off a little, the memories burning fresh. “She was shot, the next day at the same fucking place we were when you got shot.” He looks down for a moment, eyes scanning me as if that information hurt him.

“She died in my arms and even though I told her I loved her the last memory she has is our fight. Because she died within seconds, and when you got shot I remembered that. It was the same almost, we were arguing cause I am so fucking horrible to you and then you got shot. I didn’t want to accept that I’m mean to you more than anyone else because you make me feel the same way she did. Because…. It leaves people open to being hurt and I didn’t want to get hurt again, but you just don’t stop.” I don’t register the tears that had begun to fall, body now feeling numb. “Maya was my girlfriend, first person I ever allowed into my life like that. I had a ring, was gonna ask her when we got back. And sometimes, when I think about you I get this feeling in my chest that only she ever gave me. So I am mean so you will give up, request a change and move on. But you just don’t, and you say things and do things that… that make me want to let you get closer but I can’t do that again.” He swallows, my skin even more pale than before and my words slowly getting slurred. “It wasn’t your fault, people have arguments and hell sometimes I don’t even react to things well. Even if the last thing y’all did was argue she knew that you loved her, and that’s what matters.” He looks scared, as if he sees something I don’t. “Do you think I’ll be forgiven, for the people I failed?” He shakes his head, picking up on why I’m asking.

“Baby you already are forgiven, long before this.” As the words leave him he stops, seeing the way my eyes roll back and begin to close. “No, keep your eyes open. Stay awake y/n, don’t go to sleep. Come on baby.” I force them open again, finding his on me with open fear swimming in the blues. “M tired.” He nods, picking up his speed as he walks. “I know you are, I know but you need to stay awake. You can rest later, not now. Right now I need you to stay awake, keep talking to me. What was Maya like?” He decided to ask that because I had been talking about her and maybe it’ll help me stay awake. “She… She had these grey eyes, but not like normal grey eyes. They… they were brighter, and she liked mornings. People would always call us… early bird and the night owl, because while she liked mornings I hated them.” I give a weak laugh, the blood loss making me delirious. “She always took this stupid bear everywhere, said it… had to go on all adventures too. Damn thing was raggedy as shit… near its death yet still held onto that thing.” My heart sinks then, the next memory overshadowing the momentary happiness. “Her parents wouldn’t let me come to her funeral… said it was my fault she died. Never been to her grave… if I wasn’t… wasn’t wanted at her funeral why go see her?” He glances down again, trying to make sure I’m awake and watch where he’s walking. “That wasn’t right, her death wasn’t your fault. Never was and never will be.” I nod slightly, eyes fluttering as I begin to give into the exhaustion.

I vaguely hear him calling my name, trying to bring my attention back but it’s too hard. A few seconds later I’m being handed to someone else, people yelling and the person who now holds me speaks the loudest. “Y/n! Don’t you fucking do this, not you too.” It takes a moment to figure out who it is, a voice that shouldn’t have taken any effort at all. Carlos. Despite trying to do as he said and hold on the injury takes too much from me, eyes closing as he yells again.

//

A steady beeping is the first thing I hear, eyes heavy when I try to open them. Feeling slowly returns next, a mask cross my face and weight on my leg as a hand is tucked into mine. I manage to finally open my eyes, taking in the source of the weight on me. Carlos has his hand around mine, head resting against the bed I lay on as he sleeps. I scan the room next, taking note of the sterile hospital room and the people standing around. Claire and Jill sit on a couch, both asleep as Leon is in a chair to my right and lastly my eyes find Chris. The only one still awake as he leans against a wall across from me. “How are you feeling?” I don’t answer that, still processing the way everyone is here. “Why are y’all here?” He doesn’t move from his position, both our voices quiet as he stands with his arms crossed. “Believe it or not we all care about you, even if you think we don’t. We’ve all been here the whole time, you’re part of the team.” I let the information sit for a moment, despite the way I treat them they still see me important enough to all be here waiting for me to wake up. Carlos must have heard us talking, slowly moving to stretch until his eyes land on me. “Thank fuck. How are you feeling? Scared the hell out of me.” I shrug, his hand lifting to push my hair back. "Fine, been through worse." He nods, though the way he looks at me tells me he knows something I don't. As I look at Leon quickly I feel my heart sink, remembering everything I had said.

Slowly everyone else begins to wake up, Leon meeting my eyes once before I avoid eye contact. They stay for a while, but as everyone begins to leave Leon stays behind. My chest tightens, knowing I said too much, not wanting to face what I’d done. Exposing myself, leaving an opening to be hurt. “You should go.” He tries to meet my eyes, though I fight it. “No, I don’t want to leave you alone.” I fall silent again, hot tears beginning to fall from my eyes. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” I take a stuttered breath, nose twitching as I mask the truth. “Just fucking leave Leon! God, you don’t fucking stop getting into my business! Just fucking leave!” He leans back, daring a look at him that I immediately regret. The clear hurt in him, the look of a shattered man. “I thought-” I don’t let him finish, immediately cutting him off. “You thought what? Because I was dying I’d magically fall in love with you? That because you played hero I’d change? I don’t, I don’t care about you Leon! I don’t care and I never fucking will! So just fucking give up and leave!” He stands, nodding slowly as he swallows. “Ok.” As he leaves a part of me deep inside wishes he had argued, that he had said things that you can’t take back. Instead he closes the door behind him, his footsteps disappearing. After I let a little time pass I demand to be discharged, signing myself out against the doctor’s warning. I take a taxi home, getting out of the car as I head to the door.

The stairs take longer than they should, knocking all the air from my lungs by time I make it. Grabbing the key from beneath the mat I let myself in, returning it to its home before stepping inside. Closing and locking the door behind me I head to the bathroom, cleaning up the best I can. I grab a quick meal and eat, settling onto the couch. My own words stab a knife in my heart, the memory of Leon’s face twisting it deeper. Rest never finds me, and only two hours after getting home a knock is at my door. Ignoring it doesn’t work, because after only two shouts for me to open the door he’s letting himself in. He steps into the kitchen, snatching the glass of dark liquid from my hand. “I was drinking that.” He pours it down the sink, setting it down harder than required. “Now you aren’t, shouldn’t even be drinking, let alone here. What were you thinking? Discharging yourself from the hospital when you barely woke up? Need I remind you that you were stabbed and your arm sliced deep enough for an arterial bleed!” I roll my eyes, leaning back as I grow annoyed. “I don’t need to hear you lecture me like a child Carlos. I’m a fucking adult and can do what I want.” He gives a frustrated huff, grinding his jaw as he walks over. “No! You need to fucking listen! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Is that it! You want something to happen to you so you can die! And don’t tell me that’s a lie because I know you well enough to see through all of your bullshit.”

He pauses, sitting down as he mutters a quiet explicative to himself. “What would Maya think? She loved you and hated when you didn’t take care of yourself, she took care of you because seeing you like that hurt her. What would she think?” I clench my fist, heart pounding. “She’s dead Carlos, nothing will change that just like you said.” He drops his head, fingers tracing the grain of the wooden table. “I know you think it was your fault, but it wasn’t, it was never your fault. You know she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. She wouldn't be happy if she saw the way you are now, she always worried about you and the way you wouldn't take care of yourself. Please, just please stop punishing yourself." Tears threaten to fall, deciding to instead take it out elsewhere. Trying to pull my sweatshirt off I grow frustrated, tears beginning to finally fall as it catches on the bulky cast. "Fuck! Get this shit off of me!" Carlos stands slowly, knowing enough to know it isn't the sweater I'm upset with. Pulling me into his arms I finally shatter, clinging to him as I begin to cry. It's loud, sixteen months of bottled-up grief releasing in a flood.

Carlos stays after the tears dry, helping me change bandages and into bed before taking a seat in the chair across the room for the night.

//

Things change after that, maybe the dam breaking was all I needed, or maybe I got exhausted of myself. People coming and going, all of the people who I woke up to coming to visit and hang out. All except one, guilt settling in my stomach knowing that it was me who did it. Knowing it's my fault. Even though it gnaws at me to ask I don't, and two full months later I'm cleared to come back to work. Walking in I move straight to my office, dropping my stuff and standing for a minute. It's early, early enough no one else is here yet. I move slowly, heart thumping for reasons I don't know. Starting on paperwork I pass the time, playing music in headphones before I'm called for a meeting. Stepping inside I find my way over to Claire and Jill, talking with them as we wait. People slowly file in, and without realizing it Claire manages to pull a small smile to my face. "Did you just smile?!" I try to bite it back, still not used to any of it anymore. "Don't know what you are talking about." Jill calls the bullshit, and against my will I even giggle. "Bullshit! You just smiled, no use lying we saw it." They get even more excited at the laugh, my face turning a light shade of red. As I look away in an attempt to hide my eyes catch him, leaned against the far wall eyes already on me. As we make eye contact he looks away, shifting his body to face away more.

The smile slowly slips, and as I make a move to head towards him I'm cut off. "Alright everyone have a seat, let's get this meeting going." I swallow whatever I was about to say, moving to sit at the table. Focusing forward I try to pay attention to the screen ahead of me, but my mind is far away. Trying to catch his eyes a few times I fail, never once looking over to me. When the meeting is finally over I rush to stand, Leon already halfway to the door when I make it over. I call his name once we are in the hall, but he keeps moving forward without even missing a second. "Leon, please." He stops, only the two of us when he quickly turns around. "Why? So you can go off on me again? Acting like you care all of a sudden when last time you told me the opposite? I can't do this, you want to flip back and forth every five minutes. I'm not doing it anymore y/n, you were the one who told me to leave yeah? I was all in your business and wouldn't leave you alone? Well you got your wish."

He turns his back to me, watching as he walks away.

//

It started out calm, going out for drinks with everyone after a long shift. Leon had been by my side the whole night, hand resting on my thigh. Leaning into me he whispered he’d be back, heading to the bathroom leaving an empty seat. As I waited for his return someone sat down beside me, ignoring him until he spoke up. “Hi gorgeous.” I immediately wish he didn’t speak, clearly looking for something I wasn’t interested in. “Hi.” It’s flat, trying to give a hint. “Looks like your drink is almost empty, let me buy you a fresh one. What are you drinking?” I raise my brow at him, finally looking over. He’s about my age, dark hair and eyes. “Look, I’m sure you are a good guy but I am not interested. There’s plenty of other women, you can go buy one of them a drink.” He doesn’t seem to take that well, leaning closer into me. “I’ve got my eyes on you, a pretty girl sat all alone at the bar. Let me keep you company.” Before I can respond a voice sounds from behind me, a smug smile taking over my face. “I suggest you back away, she’s taken.” His hand slips to my lower back, snaking around to pull me into him. The man leans back, frowning at Leon before turning back to me. “Is your daddy coming to your rescue?” It’s a large exaggeration, my boyfriend 38 and definitely not old enough to be my father. Leon immediately lifts his hand to my chin, pulling me into a possessive kiss to make it clear what we are. He pulls away, my lips chasing his as he leaves, “Move on kid, she’s not available.” He huffs, a look of disgust on his face. He takes a few steps away, Leon beginning to take his spot beside me once more before we hear it.

“Old enough to be her father yet dating her, grooming young girls.” It’s even more dramatic, the gap not large enough for the insult but clear when looking at us. Leon stands immediately, crossing the distance as I quickly move to follow. He’s face to face with the guy, fists clenching and unclenching as his voice comes in a low growl. “Wanna say that again?” I place my hand on his arm, quietly saying his name but he doesn’t move. “Maybe you didn’t hear me old man, you are grooming young girls to date you, can’t get someone your own age so you take the young ones.” Taking the training we have for work I stop him, catching his fist before it can make contact with the man’s face. I do not want to be bailing him out of jail tonight and explaining what happened to our boss. “Leon don’t. It’s not worth it, he’s not worth our time.” Leon looks down at me, taking steps away from the man as I move between them. He pulls me into him, one hand sliding down and grabbing a handful of my ass. I only turn enough to see the other, giving him my own parting words. “First of all, quit being so fucking dramatic. We aren’t that far apart in age and our relationship is none of your fucking business. Second, being a brat doesn’t look good on you, reminds me why I like the older ones. They aren’t babies who throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want.” The man walks away, letting out another huff as he leaves. Leon pulls me tight against him, whispering in my ear.

“Gonna take you home, remind you who you belong to.” He bites my earlobe, my breath stuttering as arousal immediately fills my body. He grabs my hand, pulling me out of the building and straight to the car. Opening my door I sit down, Leon dipping in to kiss me once again. His tongue slips past my lips, the heat building as I let out a soft moan. Pulling away he smirks, adjusting the crotch of his jeans to hide the growing bulge. Getting in he starts the car, immediately pulling out quick enough the tires squeal. He drives quick, jaw clenched tight. “Leon, I’m all yours you know. Don’t want anyone else other than you.” He lets out a breath through his nose, jealousy poisoning his veins. “Need to make sure you know who you come home to, make it clear to everyone who lays eyes on you.” I smile, excitement at what’s coming and amused with the clear jealousy he’s displaying. “Hm, maybe he was right, you are an old man. You sure you can get it up anymore?” Pulling into the driveway he quickly gets out, crossing to my side and nearly ripping me out of the car. He leans in close, nose brushing mine. “You really think that?” He grabs my hand, placing it over the bulge in his jeans. “Feel that? That feel like I can’t get it up?” I give him that teasing smile, egging him on. “You never know, could lose it while trying to fuck me.” He backs away, snatching my hand and taking me into the house. The second the door closes I’m pressed against it, pinning me there as his hand finds my throat. My chest rises and falls fast, panties already soaked. “Gonna regret it baby, want to act like a brat and tease I can’t keep it up then I’ll have to show you.” As he says the next words he’s pressed tightly against me, lips brushing mine with every word.

“I’m gonna remind you exactly what I can do, fuck you until you are crying, begging me to stop. Good thing you don’t have to work tomorrow, not gonna be able to leave the bed once I’m done with you.” I whimper, despite wanting to sound more confident it comes out whiny. “Please, remind me I’m yours Leon.” His hand tightens around my throat, squeezing just enough to heighten the pleasure as his lips crash into mine. He shoves his knee between my legs, hand leaving my throat to find my waist. Pulling away from my lips he begins moving me back and forth, riding his thigh as his lips travel to my jaw. Tilting my head back the moans slip freely, my neck exposed to his attack. He drags down to the soft spot on my neck, latching there and sucking harshly. I gasp, the sting mixing perfectly with the pleasure coursing through my body from where he drags me over his thigh. He runs his tongue over the mark he left, the skin quickly bruising as he leaves hickeys any place available. My voice pitches higher, the sign I’m on the verge of cumming finding him. He moves away completely, leaving the pleasure to quickly fall away. “Nuh uh, only good girls get to cum. Being a brat tonight, should’ve known you don’t get to cum until I decide you can sweetheart. Now go to the bedroom and take everything off, when I get in there I want you naked on the bed. Understand?” I nod, the normal submission already taking claim. “Yes sir.” He steps away, palming himself through his jeans as I walk away towards the bedroom. As I enter the bedroom I quickly undress, feeling the slick drip down to my thighs. Getting another idea I smile at my own plans, trailing one hand down my body to play with myself. Rubbing circles over my clit I slip lower, pressing two fingers inside and beginning to pump them.

As he finally walks in he holds a towel in his hand, the item telling me exactly what is going to happen. Dropping it down he moves quick, catching my hand and immediately pulling it away. “Really pushing it tonight baby, maybe you don’t deserve to cum at all. Get myself off, cum and never let you finish.” I whine as he pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it carelessly to the ground before climbing over me. He runs one hand over my body, starting from my neck and moving down. “Use the safe word if you need to, if it hurts or is too much tell me immediately ok? I don’t want to hurt you.” I nod, trying to catch his lips with mine but he pulls away. “Tell me, use your words.” I nod again, the words coming slow as my mind races with what’s coming. “Yes sir.” He groans, his lips crashing into mine with a kiss that’s all teeth and tongue. He lowers his hips to rest against mine, beginning to grind against me as his rough jeans drag against my bare cunt. I gasp into the kiss, the friction sending sparks up my spine. Pulling his lips from mine he begins trailing down, beginning to suck more marks into my neck any space he finds. As if I’m his canvas to leave his masterpiece upon, marking my throat in designs the shape of his lips. With each mark he drags his tongue over to soothe the sting, copying the ritual until he reaches eye level with my breasts. He takes one nipple into his mouth, pinching and pulling the other. The minute my hands slide into his hair he’s moving, gathering both wrists and pinning them tightly together above my head. He moves to be eye level again, a cocky smile on his face. “No touching baby, let me have my fun. If you are good maybe I’ll let you have your own fun too.” He goes back to what he had previously been doing, finding my nipple again before switching to the other. After leaving multiple bites on them he moves lower, whispering against the skin of my navel.

“Keep your hands there.” He lets them go, moving to hold my legs wide open to expose me to him. He wastes no time, my hands twitching to hold onto his head as he dives into my folds. His tongue glides through, beginning to eat me out like a man starved. The slurping noises are obscene, my loud moans mixing with his own groans as he drinks everything he can gather. Pulling away slightly I watch, his eyes on mine as he spits on my cunt before leaning right back in to continue his attack. My thighs threaten to close around his head, the overwhelming sensations making my thighs shake and stomach clench relentlessly. He moves one hand to find my entrance, shoving two fingers in and setting a rough pace immediately. His lips latch around my clit, sucking harshly as he adds a third finger. I cry out his name, the intense pressure building in my lower belly nearing its snapping point. “Leon I-” I can’t finish my sentence, his mouth pulling away just slightly as he speaks. “Gonna cum? I don’t know if you should to be honest-” I interrupt him, back arching violently as I try to hold it back. “Please please please please! I’m sorry, I wanna cum please!” I feel the smile as he flicks his tongue against the sensitive nub, words muffled against me. “So sweet when you beg, go ahead baby. Cum for me.” I immediately release, crying out loudly as liquid gushes out. He moans into me, pulling away to rub his hand back and forth to prolong it.

My mind vaguely remembers the towel he had dropped to the ground, his hand pulling away from its place when my orgasm slows to a stop. He kisses back up my body, his lips finding mine and face wet with my cum. His hand slips back down, his free one pulling my hands against him to indicate I can touch. I slide one into his hair as his finds its way back between my thighs, three fingers thrusted back inside as his thumb swirls my clit. My mouth falls open my hand flying down to grab his wrist in the overstimulation. “Nuh uh, let go or I’ll have to pin your hands back down again.” I pull it away, hips beginning to chase his fingers in the mix of pain and pleasure. He laughs, as if entertained by the mixed reaction. “What happened? First trying to stop me and now you’re humping my hand like a bitch in heat, can’t even decide what you want.” He repeatedly curls into the spot only he can find, the hand not between my thighs grabbing my chin. “Can’t talk? Have I fucked you stupid already? Barely getting started, only had my fingers and tongue yet you are unable to even speak.” I whimper, face burning at the vulgar words. His fingers speed up, audibly smacking against the soaked skin with each thrust. I cry out more, thighs beginning to shake as the knot returns. Squirting again he moans, eyes dropping to watch. He bites my shoulder as he pulls his hand away, the sting followed by the balm of his tongue running over the sensitive imprint of his teeth.

I hear the metal of his belt clink as he opens it, the sound of his zipper followed close behind. Removing both his jeans and underwear he leans over me, stroking his cock as the tip hovers close to my hole. “Here’s how this is gonna go, you are going to take what I give you and if you cum without permission you will be punished. Wait until I tell you, keep your eyes on me, got it?” I nod frantically, his tip running between my folds. “Yes sir.” He settles at my entrance, punching the air from my lungs when he thrusts in all at once. I cry out, nails digging into his skin as he immediately sets a harsh pace. My legs cross over his lower back, keeping my eyes on him as he grunts with the effort he uses with every thrust. I’m quickly reduced to screams of his name, resulting in his mouth finding mine to swallow every sound. He pulls back, not missing a beat as he continues moving. He takes my legs from around his hips, pulling them together to rest on his shoulder changing the angle. My hands tangle in the sheets, a mean smile on his face. “Jesus baby, so fucking tight around me. Soaking my cock, dripping like a fountain. Such a dirty girl, poor pussy clenching around me like she’s begging me for more. Wants my cum so bad, clenching around me trying to milk me. Don’t worry, I’ll give it all to you when I’m done. Might even fill you up multiple times, cum inside you until there’s no more room for it to go.” I reach for any part of him I can hold, his hand finding my throat and squeezing. My walls close in on him even tighter, a hiss leaving him when he feels it. My orgasm grows fast, the combination of his hand around my throat and the angle he thrusts making it hard to hold back.

“Leon! I’m gonna-” He shakes his head, folding my body in half as he squeezes just a little tighter. “Don’t. You better hold it baby girl, don’t you dare cum.” His face is inches from mine, warm breath fanning against my face. It takes everything in me to not cum, crying out his name in between rough kisses. Just as I feel like I’m about to combust he pulls out, panting as he flips me over. Manhandling me onto my hands and knees the relief is only momentary, thrusting back in as soon as he has me exactly the way he wants. Tears begin to fall down my cheeks, words that I don’t think make much sense tumbling out. The headboard of our shared bed collides with the wall loudly, surprisingly not having left a mark yet. His hands have a death grip on my hips, pulling me back to meet him halfway with every slam of his hips against my ass. My body feels like jello already, turning to hide my face into the bed before his hand tangles in my hair and pulls my back to his chest. "Trying to hide from me? None of that, looking so beautiful with my cock stuffed deep inside your little cunt." He bites down on my neck, an arm snaking around my waist to hold me in place when my legs buckle. "P-Please." He smiles, grunting in my ear as my head falls back against his shoulder. "Please what? What are you asking me for my love?" I begin pushing my own hips back against him, his lips grazing my cheek as he feels it. "Want more? Already about to break and you are pushing back against me like I'm not giving you enough. Are you that spoiled? My sweet girl being greedy." I nod, not really listening to exactly what he's saying. He turns my head to face him, kissing me hard. He grabs my throat again, squeezing as he continues to control the kiss.

He pulls away just barely, eyes trailing down my body. "You know- fuck. You are being so good, not cumming and following directions. Do you wanna cum baby? Think I might let you cum." I nod, breath catching as he suddenly slows to a torturous pace. "Wanna cum-" I'm cut off by my own moan, his hips picking up to a speed even faster and harder than the previous pace. "Hm, alright." His fingers find my clit and circle it fast, surging to the edge before he stops completely. I cry as he pulls out, moving to lay flat on the bed as I become a shaking mess. "Changed my mind." I muffle a cry of frustration into the mattress, entire body on fire at the relentless way he brings me right to the edge then snatches it away. "Leon, I can't- I'm sorry baby, I won't do it again. Please let me cum." He straddles my thighs, resting his entire body over top of mine. He smooths his hands over my burning skin, clicking his tongue. "I don't know, can't decide if you should come tonight." He dips down, his mouth littering my skin in soft kisses that are a strong contrast to the way he's been pounding me into the mattress. "Please." It comes out in a cross between a moan and a sob, Leon's hand reaching down as he presses his tip to my entrance. "Let me back in baby, I'll see what I can do about letting you come." As if I had denied him entrance, when I never did. He pushes back in, the pace he sets slow and devastatingly deep. Without realizing I try to shift away, body fighting itself on what to do. He slips his arm beneath my neck, wrapping it around and squeezing. Placing me in a chokehold. He speeds up, chastising me in my ear. "Don't run away from me, take what I give you. I know you can take it."

I bite down on his arm, his teeth grazing the shell of my ear. "Choking my dick, is it too big for you? Crying into the sheets while your cunt is strangling me. Creaming on it when I put you in a headlock, staring at my arms all the time. Knew you would like it, but you like everything I give you isn't that right." I nod, mumbling something that's supposed to be an agreement. His next words make me whine loud, hoping he means it this time. "Cum for me baby, let it out." I clench harder in an attempt to hold it, his arm around my throat loosening a bit as he presses his lips to my temple. "Cum for me or I won't let you cum at all." I snap, screaming his name as stars burst behind my eyelids. He curses, quickly pulling away and sitting back. As I slowly come down he's running his hand up and down my spine soothingly, the touch and soft praise reaching me. "There you go, my love. That's it." The bed beneath me is soaked, thighs drenched as he moves to lay beside me on his side. My eyes are still closed, catching my breath. "Hey, look at me." I blink them open slowly, his hand gentle as he brushes over my hair. "You ok?" I nod, nuzzling into where his hand rests. "Mhm, just need a minute." He nods, leaning over to leave soft kisses everywhere he can reach. Rolling over I slide a hand into his hair, pulling his lips to mine as he groans. Following me over he finds his way back over top of me, trailing a hand between us and guiding himself to my entrance. I gasp as he slowly slides back in, bottoming out as he lets out a deep groan. He starts slow, building up til he's punching the air from my lungs once more. The sounds in the room are vulgar, skin slapping skin, the squelching sounds and my moans mixing together. As I'm getting close once again Leon snatches my legs, placing them on his shoulders and leaning down effectively folding me in half.

Just as he begins to talk he's cut off, my phone which rests on the nightstand beginning to ring. He leans up, still thrusting as he grabs it. A shit eating grin takes place over his features, turning to show me the screen. Jill. He hands it to me, my eyes widening as I realize what he wants. I hold the phone with shaky hands, Leon leaning over with his lips right beside my ear. "Don't keep her waiting, answer her. Not nice to ignore people's calls." When I still don't move to answer it from the shock of his request he takes it, answering the call and putting it on speaker. My face turns a dark red, Leon on the other hand smiling as he never stops moving. "Hey, are you ok? You disappeared." I swallow, trying to make sure my voice comes out steady. "Y- yeah I'm alright." Leon looks entertained, the stutter not calming Jill's worry. "Are you sure? You don't sound alright?" Just as I open my mouth to answer Leon's thumb begins swirling over the sensitive nub, biting my lip as I choke back a noise. "Y/n?" He mouths for me to answer her again, forcing myself to speak as I try to get her off the phone. It's hard to keep a steady voice, another orgasm creeping in fast. "Sorry, I promise I'm alright. Just- Just didn't feel well so I came home." She seems to accept it enough, Leon staying quiet enough she won't hear as he speaks. "Good girl." He places a hand around my jaw, kissing the corner of my mouth. "Alright, well I hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything." Humming to her words I mumble a goodbye, hanging up as I am seconds from release. "F-fuck Leon!" He laughs, adjusting his angle and picking up his movements. "What? You are the one who said it's not nice to leave people on read or not answer calls." His lips crash into mine, tongue slipping into my mouth as I squirt for what feels like the millionth time. My thighs shake, back arching as I cry out.

His thrusts lose their rhythm, becoming more frantic and desperate as he continues despite the liquid gushing out around him. "Gonna fill you up, you want that?" I nod, the tip of his cock bullying my cervix. "Yeah? Maybe I should put a baby in you, get you nice and pregnant. Then no one will guess who you belong to, know that I’m the one you come home to. Know that it’s me who put a baby in you, your belly all round and these gorgeous tits full of milk.” My cunt clenches around him, whining as my nails dig into his skin hard enough to draw blood. "Oh? You liked that? Want me to knock you up, carry my baby inside you and make you a mama. I could do that, cum inside you over and over again- god damn- fuck you over and over until it takes." His cock twitches inside me, his own words having an effect on not only me but himself. He'd never talked about getting me pregnant before, apparently just now realizing he liked it at the same time I did. He grips my hips tight, sure to be bruised by morning as he pulls me to meet him. As he bottoms out his balls are flush against my ass, shuddering on top of me as he cums as deep as he could possibly reach. As the last few drops of cum leak from his tip he lays his head on my chest, both of our bodies covered in sweat. He lifts his head, peppering kisses all over my face as I come down. "You alright babe?" Although I don't verbally answer I nod, pouting my lips to indicate I want a kiss. He laughs, moving to press a kiss to my lips. "Didn't hurt you did I?" I clear my throat, taking a deep breath as I brush his hair from his face. "No. I mean I don't think my legs are functional, but you didn't hurt me." He laughs, pulling away to carefully pull out as I close my eyes. I jump at the sudden emptiness, Leon leaning back down to kiss me.

"Want me to run you a bath?" I peek an eye open, a smile tugging at my lips. "Bubble bath?" He nods, taking a breath as he gets off the bed. "Yes ma'am." I watch as he tugs his boxers up his legs, disappearing into the bathroom as the faucet turns on. Closing my eyes I feel his cum dripping out of me, sliding down to join the mess on the sheets. "Leon." He returns to my side, resting his chin on my bent knee. "Yeah?" I gesture to the soaked sheets, his eyes following. "Oh." I laugh, continuing to talk as he moves lower to where his cum is leaking from me. "How are we supposed to sleep in our bed if the sheets are completely soaked." He drags a finger through the mess of his cum, pushing it back inside my sore cunt. I jerk, quickly snatching his wrist to stop him. He shrugs, scooping me up into his arms and walking to the bathroom. "I'll figure that out, let's get you into the bath before the water gets cold.” Helping me into the tub he sits on the side of it, smiling at me with this lovesick look. "What?" He shakes his head, leaning closer and placing a quick kiss to my lips. "Nothing, just love you." I nudge my nose against his, stealing another kiss. "Love you too." He stands as he begins to leave the bathroom, heading to sort out the bed he had helped ruin. "Leon, you know I would never want to be with anyone else right?" He looks back, nodding. "Yeah I know, I will say though... You looked sexy as fuck going off on him, I couldn't keep my hands to myself after that." I shake my head, slipping a bit lower into the bath water. "Well, he insulted you and was acting like a child. You were being a jealous asshole too by the way." He plays dumb, calling to me from the other room as he begins taking the sheets off the bed. "I don't know what you are talking about." I shake my head, mumbling the last part beneath my breath. "Sure you don't." He pops back in again, eyes scanning my neck before he winks. "At least now when someone looks at you they know not to fuck around." I turn to look in the mirror, dark purple bruises all over my neck and chest extremely visible. "Leon Scott Kennedy!" He laughs, joining his laughter after a second.

//