only we know

“Fascinating. And you still feel young?”

“I mean, physically, yeah. I don’t have arthritis or anything like that.”

“So gross” She chuckled and nudged her friend. “Almost as gross as you and Steve?” Natasha listened to her friend and flashed him a soft smile. “Yeah.” He understood her. Always had and she was thankful for Bucky’s input. Somehow, it always helped. “Shit. You old man.” She teased and shook her head. “Don’t worry about any of that. It’s not something I can’t doctor up. I want you to get familiar with the campus. Maybe we can sit in on a class together. See how you feel?”

Bucky gave a soft snort. “Yeah, almost, but not quite. I think you guys have to put in a few more years until you get to our level. We’ve worked hard to be the most gross couple around, damn it.” He gave her a little smile in return. He laughed. “I know. Do you know how many wars have been added to the curriculum since I was in school? Or presidents. Or notable inventions. God.” He gave a little shrug. “Yeah, I guess. I wanna feel like I earned it, though.”

Steve hadn’t been sure what to expect when he finally let Bucky in, finally told him what’s going on in his head. Fear, confusion, uncertainty, but this is… different, he’s not sure how to describe it. The way Bucky jumps to correct him without even a second thought, the tone of his voice, the way he’s holding himself. He can’t quite put a finger on how to describe it - all he knows is it hurts hearing Bucky talk this way, clearly frustrated by this, by the position they’re in, by Steve and the way he’s reacted. As if he can help it. He can still hear Jason’s words ringing in his ear, he can see the fear on Bruce’s face when he came to see his son, he knows - he knows he messed up here. Steve knows that.

And the worst part is, Bucky’s not even wrong - Hydra are terrible, they’ve been causing pain and chaos for so many years now, and Schmidt is undeniably crazy and they all know it. But that doesn’t change the fact that Steve is the target - Cap is the target, and he should’ve done better. He should’ve done something. And a young boy got hurt because he didn’t.

“Bucky, you can keep saying that but it doesn’t change how I feel. You think I don’t know all of this is because Hydra’s insane? I get that - trust me, I get all of it. They’re twisted and they’re awful and somehow they feed off this kinda thing.” Steve sighs, suddenly drained now that he’s admitted it. He didn’t want to argue about this - about how he feels, about the situation everyone is in now. About the fact he needs to do what a team would’ve done five years ago, except now he needs to do it alone. “None of that changes the fact that I feel responsible for this. Nothing is going to change that. This is my job - this is why I was made. To stop Hydra. And I couldn’t even do that - I couldn’t do it right back in the war, I couldn’t do it right in DC, and I’m still not doing it right now. This is what they made Cap for, and I’m still…” He’s still not good enough.

So many people have said it to him over the years. Steve can still hear them, the voices of doubt, of disapproval, everyone who made it clear that Captain America just wasn’t enough. Not ever. He could never get it right, no matter how hard he tried to. “It’s different.” Steve answers Bucky, his voice soft, and he’s itching to move, dying to pace or read or work on files or something other than sit here and argue about this. “You didn’t get a choice, all you could do is what they made you do. Everything I’ve done, every move I’ve made has been my own choice, I need to pay the consequences for those.” There’s such a distinct difference and Steve doesn’t know how Bucky still doesn’t see it, even after all of these of trying to show it to him. 

“So - what am I supposed to do, just pretend I’m not responsible for any of this? Bucky - that’s not me. That’s not me and you know it. And I’m not going to stop - I can’t stop, I can’t let them have that, but that doesn’t change how I feel, Bucky. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel responsible. How can I not? Bucky, what kinda person would that make me, if things like this kept happening and I didn’t take responsibility any of it?” He pushes himself up a bit - not enough to move off the window seat but enough to shift and face Bucky. He’s not entirely sure he’s ready to look Bucky’s anger in the eye like this, but… he needs Bucky to understand. He needs someone to understand. “Listen - just listen, hey. I’m not saying that. I would never say that about this, about us. Our life - this apartment, Libby and Dugan, our marriage, I’m not saying any of that is any less than it is - because this, you are my whole life. I just…” He sighs, dropping his gaze from Bucky’s not sure where to go next. “I don’t want to lose it. We waited so long for this, we both went through so much and somehow we still found our way here. I don’t want to lose that just because I’m a living target.”

Bucky bites his lip as Steve looks up at him, his cheeks flooding with heat born of shame. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to be comforting and...and soft, but like virtually every other positive attribute, Steve is much better at this than he is. If their situations were reversed, Steve would know what to say. Bucky lets his frustration at his own ineptitude get in the way, and color his words -- now Steve thinks he’s mad at him, when he isn’t. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I know you know all that, and I know this is really how you feel. I know you can’t help it. I don’t mean to get angry, I just...”

He reaches for Steve’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t wanna lose you,” he says. “I don’t wanna lose us. And maybe that’s selfish as hell of me to think of that, but it’s the truth. I love you so much. And I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to make you see that just because you feel responsible, doesn’t mean you are.” He pauses, looking down at Steve’s fingers, the beautiful artist’s fingers that have always completely entranced him. “There are a whole hell of a lot of differences between you and Hydra, between people like you and people like Schmidt -- namely that there aren’t many people like you, and there are countless people like her. But they also wouldn’t care how many people they hurt. They wouldn’t feel responsible for anything -- even though they are, and they’re the only ones who are.”

He bites his lip again, nibbling as he tries to think of what to say. “You have to know I understand. I know what it’s like to blame yourself and torture yourself over what you could have done, what you should have done. I get that, Stevie, I do, and that’s what...that’s what upsets me so much about this, because I don’t want you to feel like that. You’re the last person in the world who deserves to feel this way.” He wants to reach for Steve again and pull him back into his arms, but he’s afraid Steve is gonna pull away. 

“Honestly? If it’s not on my research, it’s on the other guy looming in the back of my head.” The doctor was blunt, but there really was no use to dance around the subject regarding the jolly green giant taking over when he got stressed. “I haven’t had an incident in a long time, but my streaks never tend to last.” 

Elektra’s gaze followed his, pinpointing the kid he was talking about in the crowd. One sharply groomed eyebrow arched, her lips pressing together into a thoughtful line. “A little young. He’d probably have to use daddy’s money to buy it.” And she liked to think that she’d aged well, but she doubted she could carry an interesting conversation with a boy who’d been babbling his first words when she was old enough to be graduating secondary school.

Bucky gave a slight snort. “It’s not his fault if he’s not old enough for a job,” he said. “What do you have to be these days, sixteen? Fifteen?” He took a sip of his drink, the ice clinking against the sides of the glass. “Besides, the only other woman he’s talked to on a regular basis is probably his mother, you’d scare the shit out of him.”

“It’s because of the noise. The wolf’s howl at night, the dogs are barking during the day.  It’s because nobody has any compassion left in their god damn bodies. It’s a fucking shameful. My house has been targeted for months. I mean I could kick everyone’s ass but that’s not how I roll.”

“I’d do it,” Bucky said, with a little shrug. Truth be told, he had a lot of anger about recent events, and Steve kept telling him to ‘be nice’ and how he couldn’t fight people. “You’re trying to do the right thing, nobody deserves to be attacked for that.”

Kaleb laughed and grinned some. “It’s not that complicated, really. Then again, did they even have computers worth mentioning back when you and Captain America were supposed to have been growing up??” He asked, looking over at him before his expression blanked. “Uh, not that I meant anything disrespectful by that.” He added quickly. 

“Holy shit, you have a robot arm?” Cisco got a bit derailed from that sentence, eyes widening before he turned defensive. “Sorry, man. I thought it was something else, something bad. You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

Despite himself, Bucky snorted. “I guess you could call it that, yeah,” he said. “I don’t have to be a dick about it? You’re the one who started talking like my reading comprehension level was below the third grade. You coulda just asked me not to touch it, just like that.”

Rocket growled jumping up as he grabbed the arm quickly to look at it, “Alrighty. That should be easy. Sorry this is going to hurt.” Rocket quickly grabbed the nearest device and grinned, “You wanted to play rough punk.”  A quick shock should shock the other into submission right?

Jubilee giggled at his words. “He was a president?” She arched a brow and then chortled. “I’m kidding! See what I did there?” She opened up her contacts and handed it to Bucky. “Type your number in there and I’ll believe Steve. A face like that? Can’t be a lie.” She returns the smile. “It’s been a crazy time but I think getting the chance to have dinner with friends will certainly help.” 

Pamela blinked. “1917? Oh. That is interesting. Would you tell me how that happened?” She ignored the comment about gender as her scientist brain’s curiosity kicked in.

Bucky gave a little shrug. “Got captured by some Nazi scientists who thought it would  be a good time to turn me into a weapon,” he said. “They injected some sort of super soldier serum, included longevity.”

She grinned at Bucky’s words. “Well, here’s the deal. I…being with Sam has been amazing and  it’s not the long term relationship thing. I think that part is the best part so far.” She stops herself when she realizes how she sounds. “Do you hear me, Buck?” Natasha laughs lightly. “But you’re right about the second part. Does sound more like me and I think Sam likes that aspect too.” She turned to face her friend as they walked. “How about you take some college courses at the university? I can get you in?Talk to the dean?”

“Yeah, it’s gross,” Bucky teased lightly. He gave a little shrug. “Well, there’s nothing wrong with not being ready to ‘settle down’ or retire or whatever. Some people need a little...excitement, or whatever.” To be honest, he didn’t, but everyone else around him did, so apparently it was going to be in his life whether he liked it or not. He gave a little shrug. “I mean, the last time I was in school was...shit, 1935? Don’t I need transcripts?”

“No need to apologize” Nyssa replied, Shadow was curious about the other dog but he remained by the assassin’s side. “Shadow is quite used to other dogs.”

“Libby, sit.” With a little fwomp, the puppy obeyed, her stubby tail still wagging as she looked over at the other dog. “Shadow, huh? Where’d you come up with that name?”

It’s been such a long time since Steve felt stuck like this. He’s never had this before - he’s never had a life and Captain America’s job at the same time, not until the ban kicked in. Not until he was forced to have a life, even if he was still doing his normal work at night. Now that he’s trying to balance the two, and Hydra’s back in action here… all of that is at risk again. Everyone he knows is at risk, all of the people he’s grown close to, and Steve doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want this. He never wanted this.

Steve might not be entirely convinced that it’s okay, but the more Bucky talks, the more Steve can feel himself relax that little bit more with each word. Bucky’s voice has always had the ability to do that - it’s soft and warm and familiar, something he’s had throughout his whole life, a voice of reason, a voice to keep him grounded, a voice that’s full of love. “I know..” Steve hums softly and closes his eyes, giving himself a moment to just.. let his mind fall silent, thinking about nothing but the feel of Bucky’s fingers in his hair.

He hates this, he hates feeling like this, he hates feeling so stuck, so lost for what to do. Ever since Project Rebirth… Captain America is all he was for so long, and now that he’s Steve too, it’s putting everyone at risk. Maybe it’s too much, maybe - maybe he shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe he can’t have both. Maybe it just doesn’t work that way, not when he’s up against someone like Hydra, against people who just don’t care who they have to hurt and how much pain they cause to get what they want.

He doesn’t know how to answer right away. Steve knows what he wants to say - he wants to insist it’s his fault, because it is. But he knows that won’t help. He doesn’t want to argue about this, he just… he needs to talk it through. He needs to figure out what comes next. “Schmidt took him because of me, Buck. They want me, and this.. all of this, this life I thought I could have with a job and friends outside of the Avengers.. maybe I can’t have it.” Steve’s voice grows quieter and quieter as he speaks, curling in further on himself, barely managing a smile when Libby sniffs at his feet, whining softly as she looks up at him. “Maybe, me having all that just… puts everyone in danger. Maybe I was stupid to think I ever could have a life like this.”

“Schmidt took him because Schmidt is fucked up,” Bucky insists, without skipping a beat. “I mean, Christ, with her father being who he was, could anybody really have expected anything else? Hydra does what they do because they’re all bad people. If I can’t blame myself for what they used me for, then you can’t blame yourself for what they do because of you, either.” He bites his lip, trying to curb the frustration he feels. It’s not even directed at Steve, but at the situation as a whole, at the crippling unfairness of it all. He has to keep himself from blurting out the truth, not wanting to hurt Steve, to reduce him to the shield like so many others do.

Because, the truth is, it isn’t about Steve at all. It’s about Captain America. They aren’t doing this because of the man -- they’re doing it because of the red-white-and-blue costume, because of the star and the shield, because of what all of those things mean. Because of the ideals they represent. If Sam Wilson was Captain America, or, god forbid, Bucky himself, that’s who they’d come after. If it had been Howard Stark or Peggy Carter or Dum-Dum Dugan, that’s who they’d come after. Of course, none of them would be the Captain America that Steve is, none of them embody those dangerous ideals in the way that Steve does, but all the same, it isn’t Steve that Hydra is after, not really.

“It’s not your fault,” he says, and he can’t help but wonder why everything has to be Steve’s fault -- in Steve’s mind, anyway. “If they were after me, you would tell me that it’s not my fault. You would tell me that it’s because of Hydra, not because of me. So why the hell is it your fault when the tables are turned? Explain that to me, Steve.” He takes a deep breath, not wanting to get angry, not wanting to fight. But, really, the only difference between the current situation and the situation they would be in if Bucky was the target, is that Captain America is good and the Winter Soldier wasn’t. 

It’s right on his lips to tell Steve to stop being a martyr, but he knows that’s not fair and he knows it’s cruel. Steve isn’t doing this on purpose, it’s genuinely that believes these things to be his fault. But it’s just so frustrating for Bucky, to try and convince him that he’s not. But it’s when Steve impugns their life together that Bucky can’t keep quiet anymore. “No, Steve, what puts everyone in danger are the fucking Nazis. They’re the ones who are putting everyone in danger. You’re trying to stop them, and yeah, does that mean people get hurt? Yes. Does that make it okay for people to get hurt? No, of course not, but blaming yourself for Hydra’s bullshit is just giving them even more power. It’s doing exactly what they want. Because they want you to doubt yourself, they want you to think that you don’t deserve this -- because they want you to be miserable. Miserable people don’t fight back.” Who knows that better than Bucky?

Pam rolled her eyes, ignoring his first comment. “I’m not a child. You shouldn’t let yourself be fooled by appearances, though I suppose you men can’t help it.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “I was born in 1917. So unless you are also a centenarian, sorry, you’re a kid to me. And before you get on your soap box, I’d call you a kid if you were one of us men, too.”