❛ and the worst part is, i don’t even have my holy water! ❜ 

❛ you escaped the clutches of yet another demon. ❜ 

❛ there may very well be a hot dog vendor in chicago who is a bigfoot. ❜     

❛ demons, you cowards! ❜ 

❛ this is like satan’s cement butt hole. ❜ 

❛ i think your douche meter is usually half mast but right now it’s about three quarters full. ❜ 

❛ i think a moon having a boner is about as realistic as ghosts. ❜ 

❛ well the only way to really provoke them is to provoke them! ❜     

❛ i think the ground is cleaner than this couch. ❜ 

❛ holy shit, it’s a jacuzzi tub! ❜ 

❛ i stole them off a woman who died on the titanic! ❜ 

❛ no, no, no, you’re going to scare the ghosts away. ❜ 

❛ if i see people taller than me, i get concerned about them because i think they’re gonna die. . young. ❜ 

❛ jesus christ, do you always have to insult the ghosts at the place we’re at? ❜ 

❛ if george clooney was on the tonight show and you set him on fire, one of his feet would burn and the other one would probably still be planted there on the floor in a very nice shoe — clooney’s flammable. ❜ 

❛ i’ve always gotta’ think about stuff, y’know? like this mannequin in this tub, what’s he doing here? ❜ 

❛ hey demons, it’s me, ya’ boy. ❜ 

❛ it is a very old piece of footage, but so is die hard — still good. ❜ 

❛ so it was aliens? they showed up, gave ‘em ipads, gave ‘em a zune, built the pyramids, left, and that’s it? ❜ 

❛ stop telling the ghosts to follow me home. ❜ 

❛ oh so you’re going to make me sit in the shitty chair? ❜ 

❛ this guy has been inhaling too many cat shit fumes. ❜     

❛ i took an improv comedy class once, ‘cause i’m a white guy. ❜ 

❛ i just got startled by a disco ball. ❜ 

❛ maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it. ❜ 

❛ just, to be fair, fuck christopher columbus. ❜ 

❛ i’m not doing this because i want to steal, i‘m doing this because i want to give the ghosts significant reason to haunt me. ❜ 

❛ hey ghouls! the boys are here. ❜ 

❛ i think everyone needs a hobby, and if you don’t have one, that’s when you’re probably gonna start killing people. ❜ 

❛ i wasn’t fat-shaming bigfoot! ❜         

❛ this is what happens when people are passive aggressive full-time. ❜ 

❛ ghost 101: one, knock book off shelf. week two, hold a candlestick in the middle of a hallway. three…sheets. ❜ 

❛ it looks like one of the conjuring films. ❜ 

❛ anytime you get uneasy, that’s me! ❜ 

❛ if there were a town full of me in the puritan times, we’d have landed on the moon in 1790. ❜ 

❛ we’re just two guys sitting in a tub. ❜ 

❛ demons! you’re not trying hard enough — plunge us into darkness! ❜     

❛ you gotta’ fuckin’ calm down, man. ❜ 

❛ why is it someone who chokes on a peanut doesn’t get a ghost? ❜ 

❛ i think it’s a little bit more fun to believe that humans are capable of some truly horrific things. ❜ 

❛ i’m exposing my cranium to you. ❜     

❛ there’s a good chance tonight is the night you see me die on camera. ❜ 

❛ shadows do tend to follow you though, that’s how they work. ❜ 

❛ this is gonna get a little morbid, but who’s to say that a burning body doesn’t smell like barbecue? ❜ 

❛ i didn’t even get to do all the things on my bucket list. ❜ 

❛ i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter, this is all bullshit! ❜ 

❛ you keep tricking me into talking to them, you fuckin’ dickhead! ❜ 

❛ spooky, huh? ❜ 

❛ is it very european to — to burst into flames? ❜ 

❛ and i guess this is where we’re fuckin’ sleeping because we’re idiots. ❜