Get Conscious

Thought for the Day: Let's Get Back to the Way Things were BEFORE Covid!

There are various colorful Jewish words which have made their way into modern usage, for example, chutzpah, Bar Mitzvah, shmuz, and shpiel. Here is a new one for you: kugel. It means a noodle pudding that is made with eggs and is  eaten as a delectable side dish.

Every Sabbath and Jewish holiday during my thirty years of marriage, my wife has made makes the best kugel in the free world—potato kugel, sweet kugel, apple and raisin kugel, carrot kugel…she surprises us. Since there are approximately 50 Sabbaths and 12 Jewish Holidays per year, she makes 62 kugels every year. Multiply that by 30 years of marriage and my wife has delighted our family with 1860 kugels.

And what is my response? Every single Sabbath and holiday, I have thanked her warmly for each kugel—and I have paid attention to detail; Potato, Broccoli, Avocado, Raisin… And yet, after all these expressions of love on my part, she still says, “You are just not “there” for me.” I just don’t get it.

I try to be an expressive and appreciative husband and I have kindly thanked her for all the kugels-- and all the meals---and all the carpools, and her teaching salary that brings income into the family—and still—I am not “there” for her? What more could she possibly want, and what more can I possibly do? I am ready to give up.

The key to solving this problem, which I have encountered hundreds of times in my counseling office, is learning the art of emotional support. My definition of being a good husband is working hard, being polite and thankful for all that my wife does, provide for the family as best I can, spend quality time with the kids, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, fold the laundry, and thank her for every kugel. My wife’s definition of a good husband is all those things, but with one addition--being emotionally supportive of her and our children. I never learned the art of emotional support in college, and I must have been absent when “they” gave out emotional support.

So you know how I learned it? My wife taught me. She explained to me what she needs from me—feedback of not only what she does—but input and my noticing who she is. There is a huge difference between what a person does, and what a person is. 

In order to discover who you “are” I invite you to download and use the following Wheel of Strengths and fill in two strengths and abilities you have, into each category:

 Here are some questions to help you input the answers:

Intellect: Are you a good conversationalist, street smart, have common sense, strive to learn more each day. Are you a problem solver?

Social: Are you a loyal friend, outgoing, helpful, a good listener, kind, reliable, trustworthy, a confidante, able to keep a secret, involved in visiting the sick, involved with social-action projects?

Spiritual: Do you see a Higher Power’s hand in nature? Are you inspired by music, sunsets, long walks in the country? Are you ethical, honest? Do you pray? Do you feel close to God? What aspect of life inspires you?

Accomplishments: Are you helpful? Do you work out, do chores, help neighbors, make dinner, and organize the house? How have you grown as a person in the past two years? How are you trying to improve? 

Family: Are you a contributing member of your family, emotionally supportive of spouse and children, playful, committed to spending time with family, loyal, dedicated?

Personality: Which are your most prominent character traits:

Consistency, never giving up, perseverance

Power and leadership, strong will, assertive

Compassion for the physical needs of others

Graciousness, empathy for the emotional needs of others, sincerity

Patient, mellow, laid back

Loving-kindness

Truth, integrity, not gossiping about others

Creativity with ideas, music, art

Forgiving 

Resilience--The ability to bounce back and start again.

When you contemplate, recognize and activate the one or two attributes which are your strongest attributes---that is the real you. When you use those attributes, you become truly “alive”-- and that is why you feel whole and fulfilled when you live these attributes. This is who you are.

If you use this Wheel of Strengths—one for your yourself and one for your spouse--and comment and give each other feedback every day of one of their values or character traits--you will be noticing much more than simply what he or she does—you will be recognizing who they “are.” This is how you can “be there” for your spouse--by validating her true self and values—not just her kugels and carpools.

This Sabbath my wife will be making Kugel Number 1861. But when I point out to my wife which character traits she exemplified this week—from her Wheel of Strengths--I will graduate to “being there” for her. I will say, “I appreciate the effort, love and caring for our family that you put into making that kugel to enhance our Sabbath. You are a consistent, loyal and dedicated giver.” This is called emotional support. And the kugel will be amazing too.